Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 30Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,453
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Bottom line she knew how badly her adultery would hurt you and chose to inflict it on you. That is on her, the adultery and the pot use is for her ti own and fix.

Your adultery is on you to own and fix.

File


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:06 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,807
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

...and I mistakenly thought he was the better, saner parent for their poor kid.

How more messed up can a couple be? Poor boy. His life has just given a dive towards the worst.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

You have a dopehead wife that made you so unhappy that you moved out.
You have a mother that is a stay at home "mom"???? How much mothering can one do while high as a kite? She's a danger to herself, and more importantly, your child.

Once a woman falls out of love---forget her..

File and move forward. You can't do much worse. How was she contributing to the marriage again??
Evinrude58 is offline  
 
post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 438
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Stay clean then file for divorce. Tell her you want custody because of her drug use.

Smoking pot all day as a stay at home wife isn't going to look good in court.
chillymorn69 is online now  
post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:46 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You have a dopehead wife that made you so unhappy that you moved out.
You have a mother that is a stay at home "mom"???? How much mothering can one do while high as a kite? She's a danger to herself, and more importantly, your child.

Once a woman falls out of love---forget her..

File and move forward. You can't do much worse. How was she contributing to the marriage again??
She insist she still loves me. She says she isn't attracted to me 'at the moment.' Whatever that means.
Saddad44 is offline  
post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
The state I live in automatically disqualifies a spouse from alimony or support if infidelity occurs. Hence why I am hesitant to 'wait' around to find out. The longer the wait, the more it appears to the court as condoning the affair. That is selfish, but at some point you have to be a little selfish. I still have a tiny thread of hope, and I have read and gotten advice that if you even have a tiny shroud of hope you should keep trying.

I agree with the maid thing, but my wife is a slob, always has been. She has never held up her end of the stay at home mom duties. A huge issue for all 10 years of the marriage. This is no different. The only difference is I am no longer willing to allow my child to live in filth and think it's okay.
You have got to be kidding. What on earth! You have the nerve to think you can use adultery as a reason to divorce and to get a better deal after you are the one who started all this. You are apparently too blind to realize that you broke your wife's heart and she has not in any way, shape, or form recovered. In fact she had a revenge affair. She didn't do it because she was interested in the man. She did it to get back at you. To punish you for your affair. She is extremely angry with you, which would explain her extreme pot usage. It calms her down. I don't know which would be worse: the constantly stoned wife or the screaming, freaking out, screaming wife that you would get if she weren't stoned. Probably #2 so she could at least get it out and maybe start dealing with her pain. You have made yourself one seriously messed up situation.

I'm not saying your wife isn't responsible for her terrible behavior or that what she did was right. It wasn't, but it is extremely hypocritical and mean for you to try to use her adultery against her. If you do and if your attorney is foolish enough to go that route, all of your adultery would be exposed and it would probably fall right back into your lap.

Again not excusing her, but it seems to me that you must be utterly clueless to be so dense about the severity of your wife's pain. You obviously have not dealt well with the aftermath of the earthquake you caused. Am I saying your wife's adultery was your fault. Hm... I really want to say yes, but nope, that's on her. However you created the storm and she made bad choices on how to deal with it.

Now you should stop thinking about how you can get the best deal in the divorce, but on thinking what you can do to help your wife recover from the terrible shock and pain she went through so she can calm down, heal, and be a good mom to your child.
I have never used it against her. In fact, I forgave her the day I confronted her about it and have not really brought back it back up.

However, having minimal expectations is frowned upon in a relationship? The flip side, if I was a drunk who stayed perpetually unemployed would that be okay?

As far as the 'using it against her' part. If we get divorced, in my eyes, she doesn't deserve alimony. We were in the process of trying to make it work and she did hers over the course of many weeks and still had relations with me at the same time. We would cook dinner, spend time together, take our son out etc. I'm sorry, but I do not and will not accept blame for her decisions.

I may have started it, but I tried to do my best to make it right and be honest. I may have should kept the finding the spark again stuff to myself, but honestly is important. I read a lot of therapy blogs and books before I said what I did.

At this point I have very little hope we can fix this. She might come around one day, but how long does one wait and be punished?
Saddad44 is offline  
post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:53 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
...and I mistakenly thought he was the better, saner parent for their poor kid.

How more messed up can a couple be? Poor boy. His life has just given a dive towards the worst.
Our kid is top of his class and in the gifted program. He has no idea we have issues with our marriage. No poor kid here, he is very well looked after.

And while I was gone for the three weeks I came and got him almost every other day. Not an excuse for my leaving like I did, it was surely a mistake, but to assume we were bad parents is unfair in this situation.

I do think with my wife in her conditioned is not being a great mother at he moment, but historically she has been and hope she return she to at least that.

If we do file and go that route I do t have the heart to take our son from my wife, it would crush her. I would go after 50/50.

And he pot issue isn't because of the past xx amount of months, it has been going on for years and years.
Saddad44 is offline  
post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:55 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,807
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
She insist she still loves me. She says she isn't attracted to me 'at the moment.' Whatever that means.
That she loves you like a brother, uncle, cousin, but most definitely not like a husband. Do you want that new role? She didn't like the role you gave her when you left and couldn't get the spark back. It's the same thing pretty much.

Did you find the spark by any chance? Why do you want to make this marriage work now that it is more broken than ever?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
She insist she still loves me. She says she isn't attracted to me 'at the moment.' Whatever that means.
That she loves you like a brother, uncle, cousin, but most definitely not like a husband. Do you want that new role? She didn't like the role you gave her when you left and couldn't get the spark back. It's the same thing pretty much.

Did you find the spark by any chance? Why do you want to make this marriage work now that it is more broken than ever?
Going through all of this has made me realize how much I do love my wife. How much we rely on each other as partners. Our lives are so ingrained together it's hard to imagine them apart. I know she feels the same or she would be gone. I know she loves me.

However my wife is one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. Once she gets it in her head there is no getting it out. That's where we are now. She has flip flopped a few times.

It's not uncommon for her to block people out of their lives for her. She does it all the time.

However as both a betrayer and a betrayer it's very difficult to deal with and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it go back and slowly work through our issues. Limbo is unacceptable.

Is it to much to ask for a commitment and a little effort? Maybe it is. Maybe I need a new tactic. My homework from our MCeas for me to back off and hers was to show me affection and pay attention to me physically and emotionally. She has yet to do so, I have, however, backed off.

Just seems one way street so far and I'm getting close to saying f it. But I really don't want to...... I love her to death and knowmy dien falls and have fixed many of them and will continue to work on it. But at what point is it fruitless to continue my efforts? That's really my dilemma. All legal stuff aside, all anger aside. I just don't know what to do.

Calling it quits right in this moment I'm not ready for. Maybe I'm just a chicken.
Saddad44 is offline  
post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:33 AM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,807
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

At least something good came out of this mess. You now value what you lost. The problem is if it is lost forever.

Sadly, I think it is. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Keep your son close because he will need you.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,175
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

From what I read everything smacks of and I'm being a tad 2x4ish, very nice guy, doing things half ass.

Moving out is no small thing. Fine you're sick of being the only contributor and your concerns may have been valid but what exactly was the point of moving out of the house you're mainly contributing to?

Not saying your reasoning wasn't valid and not excusing her actions but then on top of the I'm the main contributor thing you go and bang someone else...then you come back and tell her you're not in love but want to find those feelings...your wife then cheats on you and suddenly what? You love her again?

Do you see how weak and undecisive you look. Move out, move back in. Say you're not in love now you're acting as if she's the center of your world.

My guess is you're still the main contributor but now you're running around trying to win her back. You've been punished for your actions and handled well.

Good luck. You'll need it.
BobSimmons is offline  
post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,175
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Maybe I'm just a chicken.
Spot on.
BobSimmons is offline  
post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:15 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,688
Cool Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Food for thought:

(1) Cannabis, just like Marlboro's, is definitely addictive! It's a proven fact!

(2) She has relegated you to well beyond "Plan B" status, with likely the pot and her new "Stage Door Johnny" now vying for her "Plan A!"

(3) There's not a family court judge in the land that is going to remand to her, even joint custody of a 9-year-old child in the chosen lifestyle that she has fully and so willingly embraced! In reality, she'll be extremely fortunate to walk out of there with "timed" supervised visitation, meaning monthly for usually no more than an hour, at a courthouse setting! In order to even attain that, at an absolute minimum, she'll have to sign with the court "to swear off pot" and to willingly submit for weekly blood testing that she would have to pay for; and whose results would be reportable to the court! Any violation, and visitation disappears for good!

(4) The residuals of pot stays well within the body for a much longer time than she'd ever anticipate or would like to admit, and is easily found to be traceable in even the simplest of blood testing!

(5) Move on to a far better life for you and your child! You can start by consulting, then employing a good "piranha" family attorney in helping you to extricate yourself, as well as your child, from this sordid, most unsavory situation! You most assuredly deserve a far better "hand of cards" out of life!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by arbitrator; 04-12-2017 at 05:22 AM. Reason: Edification
arbitrator is online now  
post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:51 AM
Member
 
VladDracul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 1,002
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

If she's stoned and lazy as you say, I can only imagine what kind of disheveled and nasty house you come home to every day. Ain't no telling how many hours you have to work just to satisfy her drug habit, notwithstanding her giving it up to other guys, to include maybe her dealer. Face it my man, she loves pot, laying up on her lazy azz, and other guys more than she loves you. Hell, I'll just say it. She doesn't love you at all and the only reason she keeps you around is to underwrite her drug habit, which I'd bet goes well beyond pot. If she's like a lot of druggy women, she's probably trading puzzy for drugs. My advice; give her her walking papers and get custody of the kid. Judges don't like stoned mothers.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
VladDracul is offline  
post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:36 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 771
Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Yes. She smokes constantly throughout the day - weekends or week days. Probably 10 times a day.
Quote:
Our kid is top of his class and in the gifted program. He has no idea we have issues with our marriage. No poor kid here, he is very well looked after.
Are you really as clueless as you appear to be by your posts? So far, your kid has excelled DESPITE his pot head mother. Keep fooling yourself into thinking she's a model mother. Shame on you.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Spouse can not move past the affair! usnboone Coping with Infidelity 43 01-03-2017 05:17 PM
How to Have a Healthy Talk About Finances with Your Spouse VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 12-29-2016 08:31 AM
5 Things Your Spouse Needs to Hear Everyday VS Glen Home Page Feature News 17 04-13-2016 02:58 PM
Tips for Starting a Hard Conversation with Your Spouse VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 03-30-2016 03:10 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome