Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Are you really as clueless as you appear to be by your posts? So far, your kid has excelled DESPITE his pot head mother. Keep fooling yourself into thinking she's a model mother. Shame on you.
I spend a lot of time with him on his home work and we make him read books every night etc. We have been good parents, despite all of the bull****.

I don't think she's a 'model' mother. She rarely does laundry, the house is always a disaster, etc. These aren't enormous problems, but over 10 years of feeling like the only contributing spouse, I made a stupid decision and left. I would send her letters, message, talk in person etc. to her at least once a month about it. Never changed. There were a myriad of other issues too. It was almost like we didn't have any big issues, but 10000 small issues that added up into a huge problem. We didn't have the typical marriage fights, like money, parenting, etc. It was other things.

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post #47 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
If she's stoned and lazy as you say, I can only imagine what kind of disheveled and nasty house you come home to every day. Ain't no telling how many hours you have to work just to satisfy her drug habit, notwithstanding her giving it up to other guys, to include maybe her dealer. Face it my man, she loves pot, laying up on her lazy azz, and other guys more than she loves you. Hell, I'll just say it. She doesn't love you at all and the only reason she keeps you around is to underwrite her drug habit, which I'd bet goes well beyond pot. If she's like a lot of druggy women, she's probably trading puzzy for drugs. My advice; give her her walking papers and get custody of the kid. Judges don't like stoned mothers.
She definitely only smokes pot. I know where she gets it from, it's an older gentlemen friend of mine. I used to get it for her up until a few years ago, when I quit smoking it. I would smoke it at night to relax and it helps with my insomnia, but I saw her sliding and stopped.

She is definitely not doing what you describe above.

You might be right about the 'she doesn't love me at all' part, though. No clue.
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post #48 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
That she loves you like a brother, uncle, cousin, but most definitely not like a husband. Do you want that new role? She didn't like the role you gave her when you left and couldn't get the spark back. It's the same thing pretty much.

Did you find the spark by any chance? Why do you want to make this marriage work now that it is more broken than ever?
I think it's one of those, you don't know what you want until you don't have it situations.

I want my family back.

I really didn't think that 'spark' talk would ruin everything. The self help book I read suggested I have that exact conversation. It was obvious we had lost our spark, if I knew how she'd react and go find another man because of that, I never would have said it. I was struggling in my own guilt at that time as well to be fully involved and committed as I should have been.

I never treated her horribly because of it, she just snapped. It was probably too much at that point for her.

I know we're broken, but I will do anything and everything to try to make it work and make us happy again like we have been. However, I also have to realize when enough is enough and it's time to move on. That is what I'm struggling with right now. When is that? I don't know and I don't think anyone can tell me exactly the right answer, but it does feel good to get it oou and discuss it.
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post #49 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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The state I live in automatically disqualifies a spouse from alimony or support if infidelity occurs. Hence why I am hesitant to 'wait' around to find out. The longer the wait, the more it appears to the court as condoning the affair. That is selfish, but at some point you have to be a little selfish. I still have a tiny thread of hope, and I have read and gotten advice that if you even have a tiny shroud of hope you should keep trying.
I know you said you visited with 3 lawyers, and they may have shared this with you, but in GA unless you've got undeniable evidence of a physical affair, no judge will rule in your favor based on adultery.

Undeniable evidence = photographs (e.g. couple entering a hotel or kissing in public) or records between the two people documenting a tryst (e.g. your wife and her om talking about how great the sex was between them).

In GA, sexting is not considered adultery.

Food for thought.

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post #50 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Did you take into account that her drug habit is also a form of infidelity. It took away a potential source of intimacy and forming that bond. She abandoned you in the relationship long ago unless she needed something. How exactly is she wife material and she is not choosing to change and you want her to so you do not accept the person she has become. So what if she returns back to you. If she returned as who she is currently, you already know you would not be happy. Do you want her to change herself into the person you want her to be for you, for herself? If that change occurs, there is the potential that it can further alienate you away from her.

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post #51 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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I have never used it against her. In fact, I forgave her the day I confronted her about it and have not really brought back it back up.

However, having minimal expectations is frowned upon in a relationship? The flip side, if I was a drunk who stayed perpetually unemployed would that be okay?

As far as the 'using it against her' part. If we get divorced, in my eyes, she doesn't deserve alimony. We were in the process of trying to make it work and she did hers over the course of many weeks and still had relations with me at the same time. We would cook dinner, spend time together, take our son out etc. I'm sorry, but I do not and will not accept blame for her decisions.

I may have started it, but I tried to do my best to make it right and be honest. I may have should kept the finding the spark again stuff to myself, but honestly is important. I read a lot of therapy blogs and books before I said what I did.

At this point I have very little hope we can fix this. She might come around one day, but how long does one wait and be punished?
You specifically said you would use it against her in a divorce. That is why I posted, because you are the one who started this mess. You sound like such a martyr here, but you are not taking responsibility for the state of your marriage. You did not do everything you could. You could have kept your pants zipped, but you didn't and now you are facing the consequences of that behavior. What is happening right now is consequences. Your wife is a mess, because of what you did. Yes, she made really bad choices in response to what you did and she is responsible for that, but you are the one who threw her off the cliff. Even talking about using adultery against her in the divorce is ridiculous. She can use adultery against you as well.

I agree there is very little hope, but your focus should not be on saving the marriage at this point anyway. It should be on helping your wife get the help she needs to recover from the trauma of what you did, so she can stop relying on pot to cope. I recommend you look into finding a therapist that deals with PTSD from adultery or at least specializes in helping people through the trauma of betrayal. Let her know that you are not going to continue living in the mess you two have made together. It is time to start working towards healing for both of you. If she doesn't want to do that, that is up to her, but at least you have tried. It's also important for you to fully accept that you are the one that started the marriage on this path and you are responsible for doing what you can to stop further trauma for either of you.


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