Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
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Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Long story… here goes:

Married for 10 years. Have one child (9). About 5 months ago I began to grow extremely unhappy. It seemed no matter how much I was unhappy with my wife she would never change, from her activities (stay at home mom), sex (boring and unfulfilling), and her addiction to pot (I know pot might not be addictive and I don’t have a huge issue with it, but when you smoke it all day every day… it’s a problem).

I decided enough was enough. I was sick of being the only contributor in my house. I moved out right after christmas. About 2.5 weeks after moving out I got drunk one night and had an affair. It lasted a few nights before I couldn’t handle my guilt any longer. I got all my stuff and went back to my house and confessed everything. She was rightfully angry and hurt but we agreed to move forward.

The moving forward was not easy and I struggled with my guilt and depression over the incident. I explained to her that I loved her to death, but wasn’t in love with her and wanted to find that again. It was right about this point she started to go out all night, explaining she was going to her sisters and family’s house just hanging out.

Five weeks later I got home and she had left her Facebook page up, which I discovered extremely lewd sex chat and naked pictures coupled with talk of meet ups and future plans. She was actually over there when I discovered this.

I was devastated. I waited for her for hours to come home and confronted her. She maintained her lie. Until I told her I saw and she finally angrily confessed everything. She blamed me for everything and showed no remorse. After a few hours of talking she finally broke down and was showing sadness. She was extremely nice that day and affectionate. I then caught her in a lie about the details and I got angry about that. After that, she went back into angry and lash out mode. We talked divorce, she was secretly making plans of moving in with her set her etc.

We decided to try one last time. We have so far been to five counseling session, which went okay. We have had small moments of affection and touching here and here and even had sex once. The sex seemed wrong and I feel like she was disconnected.

I take full responsibility for what I did. It was wrong. I have tried to show every effort with her, in fact she told me my affection was weird yesterday because I was being more than normal. I have been cleaning a lot, helping more, volunteering to go above and beyond for her. She has virtually done or shown nothing.

At what point do I/we give up? A true this point, I’m not sure if she’s really into it or if she’s just stalling for monetary reasons.

I am in a downward spiral and extremely depressed. I don’t know what to do or handle myself. Anytime I try to communicate any feelings I have she immediately resorts to anger and shuts down or talks about moving out.

How do I proceed?

We have been to 5 Counseling sessions now. Today she dropped a bombshell and said she wasn't attracted time anymore and lost all respect for me. I don't k ow how to take or deal with this or how to move forward anymore... advise please....

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:50 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Is she still smoking cannabis every day?

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:55 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Long story… here goes:

Married for 10 years. Have one child (9). About 5 months ago I began to grow extremely unhappy. It seemed no matter how much I was unhappy with my wife she would never change, from her activities (stay at home mom), sex (boring and unfulfilling), and her addiction to pot (I know pot might not be addictive and I don’t have a huge issue with it, but when you smoke it all day every day… it’s a problem).

I decided enough was enough. I was sick of being the only contributor in my house. I moved out right after christmas. About 2.5 weeks after moving out I got drunk one night and had an affair. It lasted a few nights before I couldn’t handle my guilt any longer. I got all my stuff and went back to my house and confessed everything. She was rightfully angry and hurt but we agreed to move forward.

The moving forward was not easy and I struggled with my guilt and depression over the incident. I explained to her that I loved her to death, but wasn’t in love with her and wanted to find that again. It was right about this point she started to go out all night, explaining she was going to her sisters and family’s house just hanging out.

Five weeks later I got home and she had left her Facebook page up, which I discovered extremely lewd sex chat and naked pictures coupled with talk of meet ups and future plans. She was actually over there when I discovered this.

I was devastated. I waited for her for hours to come home and confronted her. She maintained her lie. Until I told her I saw and she finally angrily confessed everything. She blamed me for everything and showed no remorse. After a few hours of talking she finally broke down and was showing sadness. She was extremely nice that day and affectionate. I then caught her in a lie about the details and I got angry about that. After that, she went back into angry and lash out mode. We talked divorce, she was secretly making plans of moving in with her set her etc.

We decided to try one last time. We have so far been to five counseling session, which went okay. We have had small moments of affection and touching here and here and even had sex once. The sex seemed wrong and I feel like she was disconnected.

I take full responsibility for what I did. It was wrong. I have tried to show every effort with her, in fact she told me my affection was weird yesterday because I was being more than normal. I have been cleaning a lot, helping more, volunteering to go above and beyond for her. She has virtually done or shown nothing.

At what point do I/we give up? A true this point, I’m not sure if she’s really into it or if she’s just stalling for monetary reasons.

I am in a downward spiral and extremely depressed. I don’t know what to do or handle myself. Anytime I try to communicate any feelings I have she immediately resorts to anger and shuts down or talks about moving out.

How do I proceed?

We have been to 5 Counseling sessions now. Today she dropped a bombshell and said she wasn't attracted time anymore and lost all respect for me. I don't k ow how to take or deal with this or how to move forward anymore... advise please....
Hi Saddad44

Thanks for your post and i'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it's not easy.

Firstly, I admire the fact that you've taken full responsibility for your actions. It's very easy to fall into the trap of blaming your partner for your actions and this never gets anywhere in the healing process - so I honor you for that because this intent will lead you to healing yourself in the long run.

I think to help resolve your situation, it's important to get to the heart of what's real. The short of it is that, IMO, your partners needs weren't being met and that goes both ways. In my work, i've never come across a couple where each partners needs were being met at high levels and then they still felt the need to cheat or engage in EA's.

So the first question you need to ask yourself if - what does she truly need? It's a slightly tricky one here because of the fact that you have both had flings on the side which means trust is the # 1 issue to resolve here. In addition to this, she's really wounded which means that she's firing all the bullets at you because she believes thats what you deserve. It's sad, because I genuinely believe you regret your behaviour but when we operate from fear, our motivations are always to get back at someone or bring them down, rather than truly serve and love them.

You mentioned that she gets really angry and then transitions to sadness. This isn't surprising because it's the very nature of human beings to behave like this and go between the two extremes of emotions. This actually works in your favour because it means that she isn't always going to be in that angry and aggressive state all the time so for you, it's about holding your strength and letting the 'storm' pass - which it will.

I write this virtually all the time but remember, love is about giving, not getting. As long as you are stuck in the mode of "she's not doing this, she's angry all the time" etc, then you're playing the game at a very low level and you are setting the wrong foundations.

In my personal opinion, given the length of time you have been together and the fact that you have a child, you owe it to all parties involved to give everything you can for the next 60 days minimum. When she's firing those 'bullets', recognise that's her scars and pains that are speaking, not her heart. If you truly want to make this work, you need to serve from the heart. The reason that she questions things when you are nice to her is because she's testing you on some level to see how long because she isn't sure it will last. Hence, you need to stick with it. You need to do it again and again and again and then in time, assuming she still love's you, she will see that you are actually committed to this and will potentially reciprocate at the level you want it. Then, at the end of the 60 days, if things aren't shifting, then you can choose to make plans for the future and by that I mean parting ways.

Hope that all makes sense.

Good luck my friend
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Is she still smoking cannabis every day?
Yes. She smokes constantly throughout the day - weekends or week days. Probably 10 times a day.
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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:13 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Long story? here goes:

Married for 10 years. Have one child (9). About 5 months ago I began to grow extremely unhappy. It seemed no matter how much I was unhappy with my wife she would never change, from her activities (stay at home mom), sex (boring and unfulfilling), and her addiction to pot (I know pot might not be addictive and I don?t have a huge issue with it, but when you smoke it all day every day? it?s a problem).

I decided enough was enough. I was sick of being the only contributor in my house. I moved out right after christmas. About 2.5 weeks after moving out I got drunk one night and had an affair. It lasted a few nights before I couldn?t handle my guilt any longer. I got all my stuff and went back to my house and confessed everything. She was rightfully angry and hurt but we agreed to move forward.

The moving forward was not easy and I struggled with my guilt and depression over the incident. I explained to her that I loved her to death, but wasn?t in love with her and wanted to find that again. It was right about this point she started to go out all night, explaining she was going to her sisters and family?s house just hanging out.

Five weeks later I got home and she had left her Facebook page up, which I discovered extremely lewd sex chat and naked pictures coupled with talk of meet ups and future plans. She was actually over there when I discovered this.

I was devastated. I waited for her for hours to come home and confronted her. She maintained her lie. Until I told her I saw and she finally angrily confessed everything. She blamed me for everything and showed no remorse. After a few hours of talking she finally broke down and was showing sadness. She was extremely nice that day and affectionate. I then caught her in a lie about the details and I got angry about that. After that, she went back into angry and lash out mode. We talked divorce, she was secretly making plans of moving in with her set her etc.

We decided to try one last time. We have so far been to five counseling session, which went okay. We have had small moments of affection and touching here and here and even had sex once. The sex seemed wrong and I feel like she was disconnected.

I take full responsibility for what I did. It was wrong. I have tried to show every effort with her, in fact she told me my affection was weird yesterday because I was being more than normal. I have been cleaning a lot, helping more, volunteering to go above and beyond for her. She has virtually done or shown nothing.

At what point do I/we give up? A true this point, I?m not sure if she?s really into it or if she?s just stalling for monetary reasons.

I am in a downward spiral and extremely depressed. I don?t know what to do or handle myself. Anytime I try to communicate any feelings I have she immediately resorts to anger and shuts down or talks about moving out.

How do I proceed?

We have been to 5 Counseling sessions now. Today she dropped a bombshell and said she wasn't attracted time anymore and lost all respect for me. I don't k ow how to take or deal with this or how to move forward anymore... advise please....
Hi Saddad44

Thanks for your post and i'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it's not easy.

Firstly, I admire the fact that you've taken full responsibility for your actions. It's very easy to fall into the trap of blaming your partner for your actions and this never gets anywhere in the healing process - so I honor you for that because this intent will lead you to healing yourself in the long run.

I think to help resolve your situation, it's important to get to the heart of what's real. The short of it is that, IMO, your partners needs weren't being met and that goes both ways. In my work, i've never come across a couple where each partners needs were being met at high levels and then they still felt the need to cheat or engage in EA's.

So the first question you need to ask yourself if - what does she truly need? It's a slightly tricky one here because of the fact that you have both had flings on the side which means trust is the # 1 issue to resolve here. In addition to this, she's really wounded which means that she's firing all the bullets at you because she believes thats what you deserve. It's sad, because I genuinely believe you regret your behaviour but when we operate from fear, our motivations are always to get back at someone or bring them down, rather than truly serve and love them.

You mentioned that she gets really angry and then transitions to sadness. This isn't surprising because it's the very nature of human beings to behave like this and go between the two extremes of emotions. This actually works in your favour because it means that she isn't always going to be in that angry and aggressive state all the time so for you, it's about holding your strength and letting the 'storm' pass - which it will.

I write this virtually all the time but remember, love is about giving, not getting. As long as you are stuck in the mode of "she's not doing this, she's angry all the time" etc, then you're playing the game at a very low level and you are setting the wrong foundations.

In my personal opinion, given the length of time you have been together and the fact that you have a child, you owe it to all parties involved to give everything you can for the next 60 days minimum. When she's firing those 'bullets', recognise that's her scars and pains that are speaking, not her heart. If you truly want to make this work, you need to serve from the heart. The reason that she questions things when you are nice to her is because she's testing you on some level to see how long because she isn't sure it will last. Hence, you need to stick with it. You need to do it again and again and again and then in time, assuming she still love's you, she will see that you are actually committed to this and will potentially reciprocate at the level you want it. Then, at the end of the 60 days, if things aren't shifting, then you can choose to make plans for the future and by that I mean parting ways.

Hope that all makes sense.

Good luck my friend
Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

I should note, that post is about a month old from a different forum. I moved it here as this seemed more active.

She is virtually completely disconnected, which is really tough. And it was tough to hear she is no longer attracted to me because of this.

I have been working my ass off to prove it to her. I made a huge mistake. I recognize that and have profusely apologized and spent the last 45-60 days trying to make up for it. I have been doing everything - working, cleaning, taking care of dinners, doing small favors such as getting up early and getting her coffee, etc. nothing works.

I am not sure I can love like this much longer. It is destroying me emotionally. I cried the majority of the day yesterday, even in bed next to her to her ignoring. I just couldn't stop. It was a very deep cut.

I had an individual session and group session yesterday. The therapist continues to give my wife homework to bridge the gap (show small affection and show interest in my emotions and well being) but she dies not do it. He essentially gave me three options or outcomes:

1. Divorce
2. She snaps out of it and we start to truly work on it
3. Wait it out and see if she comes around

3 is a hard option to swallow and I'm not sure if I can do it nor if it is healthy for me to do it.

She didn't cheat because she was unhappy or unsatisfied. We had a lot of sex, mostly initiated by her. She cheated as revenge and what she says 'the period at the end of our marriage.'

I just am scared to death to pull the trigger on divorcing and it breaks my hurt to think of my son growing up in a broken home. If she would just show me small signs or anything I could do it. But complete icing out is an impossible situation.
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Yes. She smokes constantly throughout the day - weekends or week days. Probably 10 times a day.
You say she's a sahm?

Are you seriously OK with her smoking so much pot with the kid around?

I don't want this to turn into a pot debate thread, but there are risks associated with 2nd hand exposure.

You both messed up and it's always possible to repair a relationship, but for you two I would wager is highly improbable unless you are both remorseful and putting in the hard work.

Since you mention the pot, I sense is a point of contention with you. If so, that among other things has clearly killed your love for her. This could be who she is. As much as you are willing to try and work on things, you must also be willing to walk away.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

I should note, that post is about a month old from a different forum. I moved it here as this seemed more active.

She is virtually completely disconnected, which is really tough. And it was tough to hear she is no longer attracted to me because of this.

I have been working my ass off to prove it to her. I made a huge mistake. I recognize that and have profusely apologized and spent the last 45-60 days trying to make up for it. I have been doing everything - working, cleaning, taking care of dinners, doing small favors such as getting up early and getting her coffee, etc. nothing works.

I am not sure I can love like this much longer. It is destroying me emotionally. I cried the majority of the day yesterday, even in bed next to her to her ignoring. I just couldn't stop. It was a very deep cut.

I had an individual session and group session yesterday. The therapist continues to give my wife homework to bridge the gap (show small affection and show interest in my emotions and well being) but she dies not do it. He essentially gave me three options or outcomes:

1. Divorce
2. She snaps out of it and we start to truly work on it
3. Wait it out and see if she comes around

3 is a hard option to swallow and I'm not sure if I can do it nor if it is healthy for me to do it.

She didn't cheat because she was unhappy or unsatisfied. We had a lot of sex, mostly initiated by her. She cheated as revenge and what she says 'the period at the end of our marriage.'

I just am scared to death to pull the trigger on divorcing and it breaks my hurt to think of my son growing up in a broken home. If she would just show me small signs or anything I could do it. But complete icing out is an impossible situation.
I saw this after I posted.

Your hard work means nothing unless she is also willing to put in the work. Just because you technically cheated first does not mean that the full responsibility of repairing the entire relationship rests on you. She also messed up and is responsible for sweeping her side of the porch. This is why I say that for reconciliation to work, both parties must be 100% invested in doing the hard work necessary. It takes a lot of effort and she might not be up to the task in the same way that you are. You have to know what your limits are and when you are okay to walk away.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Has your wife seen a professional and been evaluated for mental health issues? Using that much pot throughout the day sounds a lot like self medicating.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Children who grow up from broken homes with parents divorced, healed, and moving on with their lives are far better off than children who grow up in a "broken home" where the parents stay married "for their benefit".

Remember that.

Children need examples of healthy, loving relationships. They do not get that when the parents are putting on a grade B show for them.

You cheated. She cheated. It will be very hard for you two to get back into sync, as both have to be remorseful and selfless 24/7 for the other to heal, while each are suffering greatly. It's always harder on the betrayed spouse, and a betrayed spouse, under ideal circumstances, is allowed by the WS to have bad days. When both are betrayed, both are in great pain, and the other having a bad day can wreck weeks or even months of reconciliation.

It will take a superhuman effort for you to come together again, but if you both want to try, each of you will have to look at themselves as only human, each equally guilty, and each equally willing to put aside their pain to heal the other. It requires true selflessness, and you crying in the bed only hurts the situation more. It is saying "My pain is more important than yours".

Can both of you do this? That is the discussion that you must have, not just once, but many times over the course of the next few months. Otherwise, it is not for the sake of the child that you stay together, it is for the sake of the child that you move on.

Oh, and smoking pot all day will generally slow the recovery.
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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I am
Not certain she wants to reconcile. She has put forth zero effort. When I bring that up her response is 'I am trying, I'm here'

Yes she smiles a lot of pot, not around the kid. She goes outside or hides. And no I don't have a problem with pot, just the level and the laziness it is causing.

I fear she is stringing me along until I can no longer use her affair against her in court. I am not saying that's true but it is a fear of mine. Where I live thats a thing.

I know she loves me. I just don't know if I can withstand the cold treatment for as long as she will do it to me to get through this.

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
I am
Not certain she wants to reconcile. She has put forth zero effort. When I bring that up her response is 'I am trying, I'm here'

Yes she smiles a lot of pot, not around the kid. She goes outside or hides. And no I don't have a problem with pot, just the level and the laziness it is causing.

I fear she is stringing me along until I can no longer use her affair against her in court. I am not saying that's true but it is a fear of mine. Where I live thats a thing.

I know she loves me. I just don't know if I can withstand the cold treatment for as long as she will do it to me to get through this.
She can love you and still be wrong for you.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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She can love you and still be wrong for you.
I definitely agree, but I don't think we're necessarily wrong for each other. We just need to work on some things. We grew up together, that can be a blessing and a curse.

I just can't stand the thought of losing my family or I would have given up already. I also grew up in a broken home, I can't imagine doing that to my little man. He is completely clueless as to what's going on, or that there is any issue.

I am just really struggling with 'giving her space' and her saying she wasn't attracted to me anymore, and she lost all respect - on top of me trying to prove myself and better myself. It truly is an impossible situation.

I had a private session before our group session yesterday, and didn't really get any answers, other than I need to figure out what will make me happy. But I don't know what that is. I think I suffer from codependency issues.
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

If she's asking for space, give her some space. 180. It will be good for you.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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If she's asking for space, give her some space. 180. It will be good for you.
What is 180?
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Both Messed Up - Spouse won't try...

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What is 180?
The 180
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