Long story… here goes:
Married for 10 years. Have one child (9). About 5 months ago I began to grow extremely unhappy. It seemed no matter how much I was unhappy with my wife she would never change, from her activities (stay at home mom), sex (boring and unfulfilling), and her addiction to pot (I know pot might not be addictive and I don’t have a huge issue with it, but when you smoke it all day every day… it’s a problem).
I decided enough was enough. I was sick of being the only contributor in my house. I moved out right after christmas. About 2.5 weeks after moving out I got drunk one night and had an affair. It lasted a few nights before I couldn’t handle my guilt any longer. I got all my stuff and went back to my house and confessed everything. She was rightfully angry and hurt but we agreed to move forward.
The moving forward was not easy and I struggled with my guilt and depression over the incident. I explained to her that I loved her to death, but wasn’t in love with her and wanted to find that again. It was right about this point she started to go out all night, explaining she was going to her sisters and family’s house just hanging out.
Five weeks later I got home and she had left her Facebook page up, which I discovered extremely lewd sex chat and naked pictures coupled with talk of meet ups and future plans. She was actually over there when I discovered this.
I was devastated. I waited for her for hours to come home and confronted her. She maintained her lie. Until I told her I saw and she finally angrily confessed everything. She blamed me for everything and showed no remorse. After a few hours of talking she finally broke down and was showing sadness. She was extremely nice that day and affectionate. I then caught her in a lie about the details and I got angry about that. After that, she went back into angry and lash out mode. We talked divorce, she was secretly making plans of moving in with her set her etc.
We decided to try one last time. We have so far been to five counseling session, which went okay. We have had small moments of affection and touching here and here and even had sex once. The sex seemed wrong and I feel like she was disconnected.
I take full responsibility for what I did. It was wrong. I have tried to show every effort with her, in fact she told me my affection was weird yesterday because I was being more than normal. I have been cleaning a lot, helping more, volunteering to go above and beyond for her. She has virtually done or shown nothing.
At what point do I/we give up? A true this point, I’m not sure if she’s really into it or if she’s just stalling for monetary reasons.
I am in a downward spiral and extremely depressed. I don’t know what to do or handle myself. Anytime I try to communicate any feelings I have she immediately resorts to anger and shuts down or talks about moving out.
How do I proceed?
We have been to 5 Counseling sessions now. Today she dropped a bombshell and said she wasn't attracted time anymore and lost all respect for me. I don't k ow how to take or deal with this or how to move forward anymore... advise please....
Thanks for your post and i'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it's not easy.
Firstly, I admire the fact that you've taken full responsibility for your actions. It's very easy to fall into the trap of blaming your partner for your actions and this never gets anywhere in the healing process - so I honor you for that because this intent will lead you to healing yourself in the long run.
I think to help resolve your situation, it's important to get to the heart of what's real. The short of it is that, IMO, your partners needs weren't being met and that goes both ways. In my work, i've never come across a couple where each partners needs were being met at high levels and then they still felt the need to cheat or engage in EA's.
So the first question you need to ask yourself if - what does she truly need? It's a slightly tricky one here because of the fact that you have both had flings on the side which means trust is the # 1 issue to resolve here. In addition to this, she's really wounded which means that she's firing all the bullets at you because she believes thats what you deserve. It's sad, because I genuinely believe you regret your behaviour but when we operate from fear, our motivations are always to get back at someone or bring them down, rather than truly serve and love them.
You mentioned that she gets really angry and then transitions to sadness. This isn't surprising because it's the very nature of human beings to behave like this and go between the two extremes of emotions. This actually works in your favour because it means that she isn't always going to be in that angry and aggressive state all the time so for you, it's about holding your strength and letting the 'storm' pass - which it will.
I write this virtually all the time but remember, love is about giving, not getting. As long as you are stuck in the mode of "she's not doing this, she's angry all the time" etc, then you're playing the game at a very low level and you are setting the wrong foundations.
In my personal opinion, given the length of time you have been together and the fact that you have a child, you owe it to all parties involved to give everything you can for the next 60 days minimum. When she's firing those 'bullets', recognise that's her scars and pains that are speaking, not her heart. If you truly want to make this work, you need to serve from the heart. The reason that she questions things when you are nice to her is because she's testing you on some level to see how long because she isn't sure it will last. Hence, you need to stick with it. You need to do it again and again and again and then in time, assuming she still love's you, she will see that you are actually committed to this and will potentially reciprocate at the level you want it. Then, at the end of the 60 days, if things aren't shifting, then you can choose to make plans for the future and by that I mean parting ways.
Hope that all makes sense.
Good luck my friend