Cheating I think but she denies all of it - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:40 AM Thread Starter
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Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Massive dump coming:

We have been married for 9 years this year and have two children. I have been stressed the last few years with work and commitments which has led to me being an arse to my wife. Not violent, or direspectful or anything bad, just grumpy, short and lacking enthusiasm.

Last year I got made redundant and went full time self employed which has immediately changed my whole outlook on life. I'm now happy, easy going, relaxed etc. Everyone including my wife has noticed.

In November though, I used my wife's iPad to search for a video for the kids and she had left messages open and what was there was a procession of messages to a man "Tom Smith" from the gym, talking about having sex, her being wet, him wanting to be near her etc. I was devastated. In this procession were two completely naked photos of my wife. No shyness, complete nudity. NONE of the messages referred to any actual real life act - it was all writing, no comment on them physically together, this i believe from these messages.

I was broken. She was away at the time, so I was patient and waited till her day was done and texted her we were done.

When she got home, we spoke and she said it was a different man, a "Adam Smith" but somehow his credentials had come up under "Tom". She had been unhappy with our life and I was so grumpy, she felt enlivened about somebody talking to her in this way and paying her attention.

We patiently waited this out and I slept in another room for a week before we moved past this, but by now I was paranoid, so I started randomly checking her phone, all was going ok until I found one inferring "making out at the gym" I confronted my wife who said it was a typo and was meant to be "work out"

However now I'm wired and have used recovery software. I have found notes all the time, to, I can only presume "Tom Smith" as they mention places he has been with work. My wife writes most of her messages in notes to check spelling etc before sending.

I found one alluding to her being in a sauna and it bringing back thoughts and how she misses her time at the gym with him as she can “no longer touch him the way she used to”. I sat her down and told her i found this, and she flat out denied it. couldn’t even remember ever writing something like that. there have been other photos, but when asked about these, she says they were meant for me, even though some i have never received, and apparently she didn’t send as she was not happy with them.

I found other bits that i didn’t bring up with her, one about “i’ve not done anything disingenuous or salicious (apart from with you|).” that was obviously a message to him.

he’s clearly sending her photos too, as one note says “there are other photos? i’d happily be explicit with you”.

I started recording the WhatsApp messages through the night, but as it was only the home page bit not the whole message view, i could only see the start of the messages. one conversation went on. “you’ve seen mine, you’re in debt up to your eyeballs, i’ve made you c@me, can’t wait to do that to you in your car”. when i said we were done again, she said this was a setup and that she had setup that the reponse messages would come from another friend she had confided in and that she had sent a script to them. We had a massive blow out, she hit the roof i was spying and i hit the roof that this is what i had witnessed. she reads the messages and then deletes the whole conversation, so there is nothing i can retrieve using software. she proclaimed that the number on the WhatsApp was not Tom Smith but this other friend in part of the setup. But its not, i know its not.

I love my wife, and everytime i confront her, she is so convincing, she says she could just walk out if she wasn’t happy (she could, she earns a lot of money compared to me and could just leave). she promises that there is nothing with this Tom Smith and that everything from the original batch of text messages was Adam Smith.

If it was just that, i wouldn’t be concerned, but its all these notes that have been drafted but i don’t know whether they have been sent.

now she’s paranoid as ever, she’s deleted all WhatsApp message attachments, she deletes every conversation from Tom Smith on WhatsApp the moment it is read, BUT i’ve caught her sloppy one day and the number that is his, or not his, that she has made up is now saved down in her phone as a different name. i'm in so much pain and day by day is a struggle.

We've sat down and talked about all of this four times now, so she is losing patience in me, and i am obviously at my wits end with her. but when things aren't at the forefront, everything is great.

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post #2 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:55 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

I'm a bit confused....it is ok if the guy's name is Adam, but not ok if it is Tom?

Too many lies, too much deception. You said you were done several times. If you say it once, do it.
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post #3 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

First let me say I am sorry your here...second you may own your behavior towards your wife but you do not own her cheating that is 100% on her, she owns her words and actions and if she does not accept that then there is no way you can move forward.
So that said a couple things
1. Tell me you have backed up all the evidence?
2. Is she even remotely remorseful?
3. Is she will to take a polygraph?
4. What steps are doing to expose the OM to his wife if he is married?

Also ask the moderator to move this to infidelity section...clear it belongs there and you will get a lot more advice and suggestions.

Again sorry your here.
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post #4 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Apologies on the wording, a lot to get down. Whether it is Tom or Adam is only useful for my mind. If it was Adam, its a bloke who is not local, was only on text, no physical contact. If it was Tom, he lives in the same town and goes to the same gym.
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post #5 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

I've kept everything, the explicit texts, the deleted notes, the photos i've never received. She is extremely remorseful when i have confronted her, and ultimately it is that that throws me. Not that she couldn't obviously lie about that, but the manner in which she does it. She could up and leave with no real knock-on to her.

As I have no exact physical proof of anything physical, or anything i can categorically say is this Tom Smith, i have not appraoched anyone else - no point ruining others lives. But he is married and also has kids.

how do i go about moving to right section?
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post #6 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

You have to dump her. This is completely unacceptable behaviour. I am very sorry about the children.
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post #7 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:35 AM
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Cool Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Not only has your W proven herself to be a most adept cheater, but she's not real bad at being a heartless, deceptive liar as well!

Far beyond time to fully execute "the 180" on her skanky a$$, and go visit with a good "piranha" family attorney to appraise you of both your legal custodial and property rights!

And at the same time, it wouldn't be a bad idea to schedule an appointment with your MD to make good and sure that you're not accidentally sharing any of Tom or Adam's and her "crabs!"

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post #8 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostrightnow View Post
how do i go about moving to right section?
@farsidejunky, can this be moved for him?

@lostrightnow, you REALLY need to get mad here, because if you don't she's just going to continue to lie lie lie lie lie.

Have a read of this thread.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #9 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Done.

@lostrightnow, you are deep in the throes of infidelity. You will receive a ton of advice in short order.

I will lend you this simple advice:

Those who are decisive will not only find themselves out of infidelity much more quickly, but will also be much more fond of the person staring back at them in the mirror.

Good luck, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #10 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Sorry, but I think you know that you've found enough evidence to confirm she's had sex with him. If they are having sex in the car you can catch it with a VAR, but why would you want to put yourself through that when you've already seen the proof? If you get her phone you can also install spy software, but again, what is the point? Instead of trying to catch her and seeing if she does a better job hiding her affair, how about thinking about what you want for you. Do you want to stay married to her knowing she's sleeping with another man and lying to you about it?

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post #11 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Just stop spinning for a moment and THINK. Just from your original post, you KNOW she's lying, hiding things from you and sending nude pics to another man. You don't actually have to have a color pic of them knotted to KNOW what two adults are doing in this situation.

Also, despite her lies and manipulations, you don't have to convince her that she's cheating ... she already knows it. You just have to convince yourself of that fact, and you already have enough info for that.

So the question then is ... YES, your WW is having an affair ... what do you want to do now?
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post #12 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

You're a doormat and she is walking all over you. Find your balls, man up, and divorce her. You should be able to get some alimony from her if she makes significantly more $$. Probably only reason she isn't divorcing you, so blow up her little world.

For s&g, I'd put a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder... get a Sony at Walmart for $50) in her car and listen on her phone conversations or if someone else is in there with her. Should be entertaining.
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post #13 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostrightnow View Post
Massive dump coming:

We have been married for 9 years this year and have two children. I have been stressed the last few years with work and commitments which has led to me being an arse to my wife. Not violent, or direspectful or anything bad, just grumpy, short and lacking enthusiasm.

Last year I got made redundant and went full time self employed which has immediately changed my whole outlook on life. I'm now happy, easy going, relaxed etc. Everyone including my wife has noticed.

In November though, I used my wife's iPad to search for a video for the kids and she had left messages open and what was there was a procession of messages to a man "Tom Smith" from the gym, talking about having sex, her being wet, him wanting to be near her etc. I was devastated. In this procession were two completely naked photos of my wife. No shyness, complete nudity. NONE of the messages referred to any actual real life act - it was all writing, no comment on them physically together, this i believe from these messages.

I was broken. She was away at the time, so I was patient and waited till her day was done and texted her we were done.

When she got home, we spoke and she said it was a different man, a "Adam Smith" but somehow his credentials had come up under "Tom". She had been unhappy with our life and I was so grumpy, she felt enlivened about somebody talking to her in this way and paying her attention.

We patiently waited this out and I slept in another room for a week before we moved past this, but by now I was paranoid, so I started randomly checking her phone, all was going ok until I found one inferring "making out at the gym" I confronted my wife who said it was a typo and was meant to be "work out"

However now I'm wired and have used recovery software. I have found notes all the time, to, I can only presume "Tom Smith" as they mention places he has been with work. My wife writes most of her messages in notes to check spelling etc before sending.

I found one alluding to her being in a sauna and it bringing back thoughts and how she misses her time at the gym with him as she can “no longer touch him the way she used to”. I sat her down and told her i found this, and she flat out denied it. couldn’t even remember ever writing something like that. there have been other photos, but when asked about these, she says they were meant for me, even though some i have never received, and apparently she didn’t send as she was not happy with them.

I found other bits that i didn’t bring up with her, one about “i’ve not done anything disingenuous or salicious (apart from with you|).” that was obviously a message to him.

he’s clearly sending her photos too, as one note says “there are other photos? i’d happily be explicit with you”.

I started recording the WhatsApp messages through the night, but as it was only the home page bit not the whole message view, i could only see the start of the messages. one conversation went on. “you’ve seen mine, you’re in debt up to your eyeballs, i’ve made you c@me, can’t wait to do that to you in your car”. when i said we were done again, she said this was a setup and that she had setup that the reponse messages would come from another friend she had confided in and that she had sent a script to them. We had a massive blow out, she hit the roof i was spying and i hit the roof that this is what i had witnessed. she reads the messages and then deletes the whole conversation, so there is nothing i can retrieve using software. she proclaimed that the number on the WhatsApp was not Tom Smith but this other friend in part of the setup. But its not, i know its not.

I love my wife, and everytime i confront her, she is so convincing, she says she could just walk out if she wasn’t happy (she could, she earns a lot of money compared to me and could just leave). she promises that there is nothing with this Tom Smith and that everything from the original batch of text messages was Adam Smith.

If it was just that, i wouldn’t be concerned, but its all these notes that have been drafted but i don’t know whether they have been sent.

now she’s paranoid as ever, she’s deleted all WhatsApp message attachments, she deletes every conversation from Tom Smith on WhatsApp the moment it is read, BUT i’ve caught her sloppy one day and the number that is his, or not his, that she has made up is now saved down in her phone as a different name. i'm in so much pain and day by day is a struggle.

We've sat down and talked about all of this four times now, so she is losing patience in me, and i am obviously at my wits end with her. but when things aren't at the forefront, everything is great.
Time to take the blinders off and see who your wife is. She is very broken (to put it nice). Truth is your life is not going to get better until YOU change. Why are you tolerating such disrespect from the person who is supposed to be your teammate? What is it in you that has allowed you to be so abused and just take it? What are you doing into your soul. The first step is changing what you will accept.
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post #14 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

1. She will never go to that gym again as your wife
2. You need to find out if either douche is married or has a girlfriend.
3. You need her to write out a 100% accurate timeline of the details of the affair, down to what corny clothes she wore to the gym
3a. AFTER she has given you the timeline tell her that you have scheduled a poly. I don't care what your thoughts on poly tests are. Her face when you tell her that will be poly enough. It will tell you the truth
4. Speak with a lawyer. I am not suggesting that you get divorced or you reconcile. I'm suggesting this so that you are armed with information. There is a nonzero chance that things will end with you seperating and what you do now may impact that process. You need someone on your team advising you.
5. Read the standard evidence thread here and do EVERYTHING it suggests (VAR and GPS)

----
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post #15 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Cheating I think but she denies all of it

Lots of lying and deception from her and it doesn't seem like there is any true remorse, apart from sorrow when she gets caught. I can see wanting to keep a longer marriage going for the kids but things seem to be too far gone for that. I think divorce is the only next step.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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