Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Nowhere near where it's sunny enough to make me happy
Re: and she's going to leave him ?
Fully agree with Gus. You’re either all in or you should be out.
The first year was awful. He threw it in my face at every chance he got. I understand his pain – not just empathy – he turned around and did it to me as well so I felt it first hand. I took it. I felt I deserved it. He would say horrible things to me and I never said anything. Of course, I would cry, sob, sometimes downright wail because it hurt, but I took it. He never called me names, but it was very clear how disgusted he was, how much I’d hurt him. After about 9 months of this I told him I felt like I was being punished daily. I felt I deserved punishment for what I did, but it was to the point I felt like I was being punished for HIS choice to stay. I feel that punishment was solidified when he took the next step with the affair of his own. I feel hypocritical to say that an RA (and if you know my story you know it may not have been an RA, rather an escalation of a 10 year EA) hurts, but they DO hurt. Badly. Upon discovery of that, I kicked him out. Of course, that was after the 3rd time of discovery of certain things. I think I gave him enough of a chance to be fully committed to R or not by that time.
This time around, it’s much different. While he is definitely NOT doing the real hard work, this time around I think he’s trying as hard as HE knows how. I’m trying as hard as I can. I do feel like I’m giving more, but I feel like he is giving the most that he can. We’re both broken by this. Honestly, I think I’m more broken than he is mentally but obviously that’s not something that can be quantified. But I think we’ve both learned that you can’t stay together if you’re going to punish at every turn. Talk about it constantly. Relive it non-stop. Let the anger and pain of it take over every part of your marriage.
In short, it’s a crappy thing to do and a crappy thing to have it done to you. But you either need to learn to move forward in forgiveness with your spouse or get out. Punishment has no place in R.
I'll get through this, one day at a time.