and she's going to leave him ? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Guys, she's not wrong.

Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.

Personally I'd have advised the BH to kick his WW/FWW to the curb and file, but if he's not gonna do that, he needs reconcile properly.

If you're honest w/ yourselves you'll see that what you're upset about is a power dynamic that's been turned on its head.
Wow....

Gustave has more depth, then oft "dump her" conjures.


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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
We had a poster like this some time ago.....Gus knows who I'm talking about. If I remember correctly she'd kissed a couple of guys and her husband became horribly abusive after that. She even had another child with the hb, just like this one, while he continued to abuse her. Terrible situation for the kids.

And yes, she was a victim as was he. Abuse is not ok. Ever.
Yep. In fact in thought of her when I read this. (She had a "2NS" with one guy and kissed another, BTW.)

Last I heard she was divorced/divorcing and was doing much better.

As big an ass as he was, though, I do feel bad for her ex. He put two wives through college and they both cheated on him. The first one left him as soon as she had her degree in hand. Definitely left him with some pretty deep scars. He probably should've been in counseling for several years before entertaining another relationship, let alone a second marriage.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

I don't understand the need to berate your WW in front of anyone else for her cheating. To me, it reflects more on the BH's judgement and begs the question "If you feel that way, why in the hell did you take her back". The BH is actually humiliating himself in the process. It's a lose lose lose proposition for BS, BW, and the R.

In regards to his direct verbal abuse to her; some, initially, is understandable. But a some point it has to stop; when expected consequences turns into punishment.

I thought the advice was spot on.

Last edited by badmemory; 04-12-2017 at 09:53 AM.
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Wow....

Gustave has more depth, then oft "dump her" conjures.
My take is very simple...

Do you want to reconcile? If not, divorce; if so, do it properly.

For those on the fence I'll almost always advise divorce, and doubly so when the WS (or even the BS) obviously doesn't have what it takes for a proper reconciliation.

Triply so where paternity fraud is involved.

Personally, though, it's much simpler for me...

PA?

Divorce.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Yep. In fact in thought of her when I read this. (She had a "2NS" with one guy and kissed another, BTW.)

Last I heard she was divorced/divorcing and was doing much better.

As big an ass as he was, though, I do feel bad for her ex. He put two wives through college and they both cheated on him. The first one left him as soon as she had her degree in hand. Definitely left him with some pretty deep scars. He probably should've been in counseling for several years before entertaining another relationship, let alone a second marriage.
You're right, I forgot about the ons. For sure he was a victim..... he just wasn't able to handle it. He's one that should have left and maybe taken some time to evaluate his own choices, even if it came down to his picker.

I don't think he exactly put her through school..... she worked and had to pay for everything herself. He kept his money and she had to pay for herself, and I also think she was paying for kid expenses. They didn't really have a marriage.


I got the feeling he really didn't want to heal.....he had always been basically nasty and abusive (long before her cheating), her affairs just gave him a reason to ramp up the abuse. He enjoyed abusing and he was also a drunk.

I'm glad she got out.....hopefully she'll heal and maybe he'll get help before he drinks himself to death.
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

Gus is 100 percent correct. If you choose to R and forgive, then you need to be all in. I'm not saying you should FORGET what happened, but constantly hurting your spouse after you choose to R is not a healthy way to approach it.

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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

Amen @GusPolinski, preach it brother.

You are so right Gus. If somebody is going to put the time and effort into a reconcilliation and suffer the pain that comes with that then why set it up for failure from the start by becoming the horrible abusive spouse that doesn't deserve to have a partner.

Whatever horrible deed the partner has done is on them it doesn't mean that you now have the license to be a horrible human being.

If you decide to R than give R a proper chance by putting the effort into fixing the marriage not damaging it more.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

Fully agree with Gus. Youíre either all in or you should be out.

The first year was awful. He threw it in my face at every chance he got. I understand his pain Ė not just empathy Ė he turned around and did it to me as well so I felt it first hand. I took it. I felt I deserved it. He would say horrible things to me and I never said anything. Of course, I would cry, sob, sometimes downright wail because it hurt, but I took it. He never called me names, but it was very clear how disgusted he was, how much Iíd hurt him. After about 9 months of this I told him I felt like I was being punished daily. I felt I deserved punishment for what I did, but it was to the point I felt like I was being punished for HIS choice to stay. I feel that punishment was solidified when he took the next step with the affair of his own. I feel hypocritical to say that an RA (and if you know my story you know it may not have been an RA, rather an escalation of a 10 year EA) hurts, but they DO hurt. Badly. Upon discovery of that, I kicked him out. Of course, that was after the 3rd time of discovery of certain things. I think I gave him enough of a chance to be fully committed to R or not by that time.

This time around, itís much different. While he is definitely NOT doing the real hard work, this time around I think heís trying as hard as HE knows how. Iím trying as hard as I can. I do feel like Iím giving more, but I feel like he is giving the most that he can. Weíre both broken by this. Honestly, I think Iím more broken than he is mentally but obviously thatís not something that can be quantified. But I think weíve both learned that you canít stay together if youíre going to punish at every turn. Talk about it constantly. Relive it non-stop. Let the anger and pain of it take over every part of your marriage.

In short, itís a crappy thing to do and a crappy thing to have it done to you. But you either need to learn to move forward in forgiveness with your spouse or get out. Punishment has no place in R.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

I read it as he isn't ready for R yet, he hasn't healed enough. Agree he should not be abusive, but I think the abuse is a sign that he isn't ready for R yet.
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Guys, she's not wrong.

Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.

Personally I'd have advised the BH to kick his WW/FWW to the curb and file, but if he's not gonna do that, he needs reconcile properly.

If you're honest w/ yourselves you'll see that what you're upset about is a power dynamic that's been turned on its head.
I agree, He's so offended by her character he didn't wrap it up and now they're bringing another child into this mess.

He should have left, I'm sure he's the type of cat to bad mouth his wife because he's frustrated he never stepped to the OM so he'll eternally feel inadequate.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Let's flip this for a minute and assume we have an unfaithful husband. How many times can his wife call him a worthless piece of **** before it becomes abusive?
When it comes to a committed relation he is a worthless piece of ****. Being honest isn't abuse in my mind. What has this women done to change, for how long? If you are BS just be smart about it and don't yell when you say it, but if it feels good, say it. The truth is like sunshine on the mold of the poor character of the WS. This is the thing R, you have to basically deny the truth to do it. You've got to turn off your logical mind to allow yourself to forget the kind of person you have chosen to spend your life with. And if that isn't demeaning enough you have to protect their "poow wittle feeeelings". It's such a bad deal, if it was a sales deal there would be laws against it like predatory lending.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-12-2017 at 11:56 PM.
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:53 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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begs the question "If you feel that way, why in the hell did you take her back". The BH is actually humiliating himself in the process.
They take them back because they want to try to see if they can have their old marriage back. What they are frustrated to learn is that the old marriage is dead, and they must build a new one.

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In regards to his direct verbal abuse to her; some, initially, is understandable. But a some point it has to stop
Many betrayed spouse can never learn to deal with the betrayal of an affair; for those that can learn, it is common for it to take 3 to 5 years. Thus the OP's spouse being only a year away from the affair may not have reached the at "some point" that you are talking about.

I think Abby got it backwards when she said in effect that if he was not willing to rug sweep and quickly forgive her affair, he should not have stayed in the marriage. I look at it the other way around and say that if the cheater wanted to quickly rug sweep and was not willing to do the heavy lifting, which includes letting her spouse vent from time to time for a few years, then she should not have pursued reconciliation.
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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They take them back because they want to try to see if they can have their old marriage back. What they are frustrated to learn is that the old marriage is dead, and they must build a new one.
With someone who stabbed them in the heart and debased themselves. If they were to meet such a person from from scratch do you think they would want to marry them?

Lets be honest though doesn't staying in the relationship require a little bit of rug sweeping? How else could you do it?
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:34 AM
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Cool Re: and she's going to leave him ?

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Reconciliation in most cases is a mistake the power dynamic is too broken. Divorce and then possible remarriage is probably a better road if you just have to be with the person who stabbed you in the back.

What is he thinking, he is married to a jerk (to be nice), and jerks are going to do what they do. And what she does is run away when it's hard even if it is the consequences of her own actions. At this point it's his fault for taking her back. She is not marriage material.

Most WS don't have the character it takes to be in a relationship with anyone. They really are only capable of shallow relationships and flings.
And as my first corobberating witness, I'd like to call my RSXW to testify to that sad but unfortunate fact!

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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:41 AM
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Re: and she's going to leave him ?

Likely he continued to be angry and resentful because he couldn't heal properly. Whether that's because she was not terribly remorseful, trickled the heck out of him, minimized, etc. Or, he could have heard nothing but truth but preferred to put his head in the sand, refuse healing, and just build rage instead.

Problem is we don't know enough detail. But IME angry men unable to let go have not yet fully processed through their emotions, most likely because they don't want to, aren't "allowed" to, or don't know how or where to begin.

So while I agree that he needed to start to let go of his anger with her, if he was going to give R a chance, I also think it's not that cut and dry. I think that a certain series of events would have allowed him to reach a stage of acceptance, and that for whatever reason, it didn't happen.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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