What do you consider infidelity? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Does it seem like I am saying that?
Well yes, "Any ACTION geared towards obtaining sex or sexual titillation from someone other than the person to whom you are married is cheating" You go to a strip club for sexual titillation. You watch porn for sexual titillation. Even think back to the old days when phone sex lines were a big thing, you were calling another woman to have phone sex with. Basically that's the same as a stripper, you have no intention or expectation of ever being with the woman sexually but you're still using them to get off.

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post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Strip clubs in and of themselves are not cheating. How could they be? They're buildings.

Masturbating to porn may or may not be, depending how you define porn. Many people lump sex chats in with videos and pictures and call them all porn. Sex chats, especially video chats, are for SURE cheating in my marriage. Or, what if my husbands coworker sends him a porno picture of herself and he masturbates to that? It's just a picture, right?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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I would not say this is infidelity. This is more so disrespectful to one's spouse. Specifically if said spouse request that clubs and porn are not to be part of the marriage.
Well that's different then. If a spouse specifically says that porn and strip clubs are not allowed in the marriage then technically it is infidelity to the marriage. There are a lot of fine lines here and opinions as to what is considered infidelity other than actual sex.
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post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Well yes, "Any ACTION geared towards obtaining sex or sexual titillation from someone other than the person to whom you are married is cheating" You go to a strip club for sexual titillation. You watch porn for sexual titillation. Even think back to the old days when phone sex lines were a big thing, you were calling another woman to have phone sex with. Basically that's the same as a stripper, you have no intention or expectation of ever being with the woman sexually but you're still using them to get off.
For me, the 'someone' bolded above has to be a specific someone. Not just a random picture. And as far as the titillation, there's a difference between titillating just for it's own sake, and titillating with the intention of having sex or getting off with that specific person. So in a sex chat, you're interacting one on one, with the fantasy of having sex with them. In a stripper VIP room, same thing. Those are a step too far for me and my husband.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Doing anything that you know your partner has a problem with or would be hurt by.

But with that being said, I donít think humans were made to be monogamous. I think weíll all fight that until the end of time. Not that a large majority is out there consciously thinking ďMan!! I really wish I could love/have sex with someone else!Ē Just that our bodies have a visceral reaction to the opposite sex unwillingly. When you have to fight to suppress your reactions, youíre fighting against nature. Iím not saying monogamy is WRONG, I just donít really think thatís what we were made for.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Is a fling that bad if it satisfies a need in your spouse that you are not able to meet for some reason and it makes her happier at home and with you.
Ugh....Yes.

If she knew about the fling, how happy would that make her then? That's why its "that bad".

Unless you're one of those who thinks it's perfectly fine to lie to and deceive your wife; in the belief that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I'm not.

Last edited by badmemory; 04-12-2017 at 03:29 PM.
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post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Phone sex with a specific person like someone you met on Facebook is for sure cheating.

Phone sex on a paid service phone number is more tricky. You don't phone the number to reach a specific person, and even if you do, you know they aren't really 19 year old hot Brandi but probably 55 year old saggy boobed Erma.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

In the eyes of your SO: Overstepping boundaries with someone other than your SO.

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post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
Doing anything that you know your partner has a problem with or would be hurt by.

But with that being said, I donít think humans were made to be monogamous. I think weíll all fight that until the end of time. Not that a large majority is out there consciously thinking ďMan!! I really wish I could love/have sex with someone else!Ē Just that our bodies have a visceral reaction to the opposite sex unwillingly. When you have to fight to suppress your reactions, youíre fighting against nature. Iím not saying monogamy is WRONG, I just donít really think thatís what we were made for.
We are higher beings than animals.

Violent urges are just as common as sexual ones and need to be dominated and controlled by our higher functions or we don't need to be calling ourselves human.
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post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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We are higher beings than animals.

Violent urges are just as common as sexual ones and need to be dominated and controlled by our higher functions or we don't need to be calling ourselves human.
Giving in to sexual urges is just a tad less likely to result in someones death I think. Not really a valid comparison.

Resisting sexual urges is the foundation of religious sexual repression I think. And I really think the world would be a WAY happier place - and that there would be less violence!! if people weren't artificially programmed to be monogamous and were allowed to follow those urges.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Within reason - I don't mean that pedophiles should be allowed to molest kids of course.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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We are higher beings than animals.

Violent urges are just as common as sexual ones and need to be dominated and controlled by our higher functions or we don't need to be calling ourselves human.
We definitely need to fight certain primal urges. In the olden days, it may have been natural and acceptable to kill another human being that threatened your land or your home or your family. Obviously itís not anymore. Even though the urge may still be there if someone threatens your home or your family. Society says if we defend those things physically these days, weíll most likely end up in jail. So thatís an urge that needs to be suppressed. Temptation of the opposite sex is something that weíve obviously grown to need to suppress as well. Iím not saying itís wrong to suppress it or that we make the choice to be monogamous. But I am saying I think it goes against our nature at itís core. Thatís not a bad thing. Trust me when I say I melt at the posts I read here where spouses defend their spouses honor with the utmost respect and protect their marriages fiercely. I wish I had that and I wish I was able to say I DID that. That to me is a very deep love. But I still feel monogamy is against our nature at itís core, and definitely a choice rather than being natural.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Giving in to sexual urges is just a tad less likely to result in someones death I think. Not really a valid comparison.

Resisting sexual urges is the foundation of religious sexual repression I think. And I really think the world would be a WAY happier place - and that there would be less violence!! if people weren't artificially programmed to be monogamous and were allowed to follow those urges.
Sexual misbehavior is very directly linked to violence.

Sexual and violent urges are very close relatives in our make up.

There are many deaths, suicides and homicides, directly related to infidelity and many instances of violence.

If you could cherry pick primal type urges I'm not sure what we would look like but you can't keep the urge to f anything that catches your eye and rid yourself of the violent ones.

I honestly believe we need both because giving in to both at the right time helps us survive.

Raising someone else's kids and STDs don't sound better to me than a broken arm or nose either.
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post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

With my current partner, I'm still trying to figure this one out. He's my first kinky relationship (finally!), so I'm still trying to figure out what my boundaries are--and it's also his first real kinky relationship, too. I want monogamy, and we are monogamous right now. I don't know if I will ever be OK with being non-monogamous, but in our kinky world, it's harder to define than it is in vanilla-land. He's said that he's OK with me sleeping with other men, in fact he thinks it's really hot... but I'm not interested in sleeping with other men. And I'm definitely not ok with him sleeping with another woman, and he's not interested in finding another woman to sleep with right now. But he says he might want to try swinging, and I don't know if I would be ok with that. I'm definitely not interested in it right now.

I would definitely be upset if he was sexting another woman. That would be infidelity for me. But we go to kinky events... and if he wants to touch another woman's breasts, I'll usually bo ok with it. If I said NO, he wouldn't, and he knows that there's no touching anywhere else and no kissing, that I'm not ok with. And NO ONE is allowed to touch him (intimately). I've told him, "I will cut a ***** if she touches my man."

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
We definitely need to fight certain primal urges. In the olden days, it may have been natural and acceptable to kill another human being that threatened your land or your home or your family. Obviously itís not anymore. Even though the urge may still be there if someone threatens your home or your family. Society says if we defend those things physically these days, weíll most likely end up in jail. So thatís an urge that needs to be suppressed. Temptation of the opposite sex is something that weíve obviously grown to need to suppress as well. Iím not saying itís wrong to suppress it or that we make the choice to be monogamous. But I am saying I think it goes against our nature at itís core. Thatís not a bad thing. Trust me when I say I melt at the posts I read here where spouses defend their spouses honor with the utmost respect and protect their marriages fiercely. I wish I had that and I wish I was able to say I DID that. That to me is a very deep love. But I still feel monogamy is against our nature at itís core, and definitely a choice rather than being natural.
You aren't alone in your feelings.

I am, and always have been, extremely monogamous even in my wild youth.

The idea of poly makes me physically ill and inspires very violent thoughts.

It strikes me as vile to my core and I have always felt this way.

So maybe not everyone has a poly nature?

I definitely don't.
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