What do you consider infidelity? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Sexual misbehavior is very directly linked to violence.

Sexual and violent urges are very close relatives in our make up.

There are many deaths, suicides and homicides, directly related to infidelity and many instances of violence.

If you could cherry pick primal type urges I'm not sure what we would look like but you can't keep the urge to f anything that catches your eye and rid yourself of the violent ones.

I honestly believe we need both because giving in to both at the right time helps us survive.

Raising someone else's kids and STDs don't sound better to me than a broken arm or nose either.
Don't you think it's far more likely that it's the REPRESSION of sexual urges that leads to violence?

If people didn't think of infidelity as such a horrendous thing - if, in fact, infidelity didn't exist any more, because there were no marriages and people didn't assume monogamy - then there wouldn't be all of this violence as a result of infidelity.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #32 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I am not saying we should be ok with rutting on the streets. Just like I am not saying we should be OK with molesting children. What I'm saying is that, if we didn't have this innate need for monogamy, I bet more people would be OK with non-monogamy, and many of the issues we have with infidelity and sexual violence would disappear.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #33 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Don't you think it's far more likely that it's the REPRESSION of sexual urges that leads to violence?

If people didn't think of infidelity as such a horrendous thing - if, in fact, infidelity didn't exist any more, because there were no marriages and people didn't assume monogamy - then there wouldn't be all of this violence as a result of infidelity.
You would have to eradicate me, anyone like me and any possible gene sequence that could result in someone similar to me.

My very visceral and violent reactions to infidelity are core and I have had them since before I even believed there was a God.

I have always been monogamous naturally.

It is not a learned behavior for me but nature and instinct.
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post #34 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I once threatened to kill a man that said he would f my wife.

It was an immediate, reflex reaction and he came a fraction of an inch from serious bodily harm.

If he hadn't **** his pants and started backpedaling in fear, he would have been sent to the hospital at best.
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post #35 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:43 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I am not saying EVERYONE needs to be non-monogamous. I had the same reaction as you when I was cheated on. Try to think outside your box, dude. I highly doubt that your reaction was a result of only your genetics. It was a result of being betrayed. Every single experience in your life up to that point contributed to your reaction. There are a few examples of monogamous animals - Canada Geese come to mind - but for the most part, animalistic tendencies, IE instinct and genetics, doesn't program for monogamy.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #36 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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I am not saying EVERYONE needs to be non-monogamous. I had the same reaction as you when I was cheated on. Try to think outside your box, dude. I highly doubt that your reaction was a result of only your genetics. It was a result of being betrayed. Every single experience in your life up to that point contributed to your reaction. There are a few examples of monogamous animals - Canada Geese come to mind - but for the most part, animalistic tendencies, IE instinct and genetics, doesn't program for monogamy.
I would argue that for some animals and many humans, monogamy is as natural as breathing.

I have always been an exclusive individual, territorial, possessive.

You can easily explain my very natural behavior in a secular or evolutionary argument if you wanted without any form of religious coloring.

I don't share and never have shared nor had the desire to share or be shared. Not once in my entire life.

Quite the opposite actually.

I think you are giving religion too much credit here.

I have definitely thought outside of any boxes.

I have a decent comprehension of poly in many forms but could never partake.

Fantasy is fine though!
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post #37 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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I have a decent comprehension of poly in many forms but could never partake.
I never could either.

I totally agree that for many monogamy is natural. All I am saying is that, if we didn't live in the environment that we do, it wouldn't be as taboo to be non-monogamous, and many people would be freed from sexual repression and able to allow themselves to express their true sexuality.

Non-heterosexuality is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Replace monogamy in my posts with whatever word you like as far as LGBTQ jargon. 100 years ago, if you weren't heterosexual you might as well jump off a bridge. And many did. We still have a way to go, but the environment is a lot better today for people who aren't purely heterosexual. But not everyone IS non-heterosexual, and that's OK.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #38 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I guess it is a complex slippery slope.

I don't feel watching a Victoria Secret TV Fashion show to be an infidelity or cheating, even though it might get me thinking about things I shouldn't and it could hurt my wife's feelings if she could read my mind.

I don't think that going to a museum and looking at classical statues or paintings of nude women is an infidelity. And unless I constantly did it, most others would not think so as well.

An occasional strip club visit to watch, talk to, or flirt with a dancer, say once a decade or two? Probably wouldn't make my wife happy, but going there with a buddy or someone's bachelor party, I don't consider it an infidelity.

Watching porn as long as it is not addictive or lessens my ability to provide my wife with the love she needs isn't an infidelity in my mind.

Masturbating without my wife present, watching and/or participating isn't an infidelity in my mind. This is especially true as I am the HD one in an HD/LD relationship. If I were the LD partner and it further decreased my desire for sex with my spouse, then yes it might be an infidelity.

Having intercourse with another woman, that is an infidelity in my mind.

Having a female doctor give me a manual prostate exam? An indignity, but not an infidelity. Having a cute young lady medical technician lube me up to take an ultra-sound of my testicles? Nope, not an infidelity, but pretty arousing. (Yes, that has happened and we were both uncomfortable ) Having a colonoscopy from a female technician? Again, an indignity, but not an infidelity and definitely not arousing!

Falling emotionally in love with someone other than my wife? Definitely an infidelity.

There are many things that can be sexually titillating, sexually arousing, or done for sexual satisfaction (masturbation), that unless they are done so frequently that they interfere with providing your spouse the love, sex, time, and financial resource they need to thrive in the marriage, I would not label as infidelities. There can even be the medically justified, touching of genitals that aren't infidelities.

In short, I don't see any real hard lines, but a slippery slope where intent, repetition and impact on your partner are more important.
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post #39 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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I never could either.

I totally agree that for many monogamy is natural. All I am saying is that, if we didn't live in the environment that we do, it wouldn't be as taboo to be non-monogamous, and many people would be freed from sexual repression and able to allow themselves to express their true sexuality.

Non-heterosexuality is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Replace monogamy in my posts with whatever word you like as far as LGBTQ jargon. 100 years ago, if you weren't heterosexual you might as well jump off a bridge. And many did. We still have a way to go, but the environment is a lot better today for people who aren't purely heterosexual. But not everyone IS non-heterosexual, and that's OK.
This seems well thought out and reasonable.

Thank you for elaborating!
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post #40 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:45 PM
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Cool Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Whenever I give my unconditional vows squarely before God, my spouse, our clergy, our families, our friends, our relatives, our church and our community, to love, honor and cherish, keeping to each other until death do us part ~ well, l kind of think that has some rather faithful resonances and intonations attached to it! Don't you think that that is enough? Why would I want to break those vows because my appendage gets hornily erect and I need someone other than the woman I pledged my undying fidelity to satisfy those needs? What about my RSXW who pledged those very same vows to me and then some seven years into the marriage, her cooter gets all hot and bothered while off on one of her infamous "road trips" and she employs none other than her old BF, "Little Lord Lardass," to rub that incessant itch out of it for her? Does she get "a walk?"

Are any of those holy vows remotely even worth the breath of air that they're uttered with? If not, then why have those holy vows in the first place? Let's just live and procreate like a bunch of crazed renegade Neanderthals!

IMHO, if someone remotely even thinks that God gives one a "free pass" to disregard the meaning and the intended security of those solemn vows, then they might be ultimately surprised when they finally have their private "one-on-one" with the Heavenly Father in the due course of time!

Not exactly saying that one would necessary be damned to hell for it, but the Eternal Father could sure ask the perpetrators some rather loaded and pointed questions about it that would certainly make them squirm in their seats!



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post #41 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

An EA or PA is infidelity. I agree there are other things that would violate my boundaries in marriage, but these two are my definition of infidelity.
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post #42 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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P.S. I can meet and generally exceed all needs my wife has for a husband.

There is no one, or three, who could even remotely approach me in the category of husband to her.

She is definitely enough of a wife for me as well!
Can you write my CV for me? I think my CV is lacking a modest, objective and realistic characterisation of my character :-)
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post #43 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Can you write my CV for me? I think my CV is lacking a modest, objective and realistic characterisation of my character :-)
LOL! Confidence has never been my issue.
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post #44 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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LOL! Confidence has never been my issue.
What is your greatest weakness? Let me guess: you are too honest.
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post #45 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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What is your greatest weakness? Let me guess: you are too honest.
I'm actually really bad with money (good at making it, bad at keeping it) and I have a bad temper.
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