What do you consider infidelity? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I think infidelity is any romantic or sexual act where a real, living human being is on the other end and knows you're being flirtatious with them, and your spouse doesn't know about it and/or isn't okay with it. So, in my view, porn doesn't count but webcam girls or sexy texts do. Consensual polyamory and swinging don't count as cheating.

I've actually told my husband that if, down the road, he should ever fall in love or in lust with anyone else, I want him to come and tell me about it before he does anything. I've told him if he does that, I might be hurt, jealous, or emotional, but I won't believe he's done anything wrong. I've told him that in that scenario, I would consider opening up our marriage so he can have his new romance (and so could I, if I wanted) but we'd be able to do it lovingly, honestly, and with the other's full consent.

He said he would never seriously consider cheating on me, so the point is moot. Still, I think if he knows that there's an "out" for him, a way that he can cake-eat without hurting me or our marriage, he's far more likely to be honest with me rather than cheat and/or divorce me.



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post #47 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
I'm actually really bad with money (good at making it, bad at keeping it) and I have a bad temper.
Haha, those are still not real negatives or weaknesses. Ok, bad temper is debatable. Many women will find it hot. Probably.
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post #48 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:05 PM
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What do you consider infidelity?

There a metric f ton of things I want to do but don't. Most have to do with other people and in no way involve sex. To say "nature says we should able to f who ever, whenever" I say then i should be able to kill all the mf that piss me off.

So we're obviously not allowed to behave like thoughtless savages without going to jail, so why put sex in a special category? It's EXACTLY the same - we accept the rules of society or we are punished by society. It's not right vs wrong, it's can I live next to the guy next door and not f his w if he doesn't f my w.

Pretty simple IMO. Social contract.

Beyond that, I have a social contract with my W. I don't bang strippers and local tinder ****s (probably my gutter level desires if I unleashed them) and she won't go to dinner and a movie with a handsome stranger (probably her basal instincts).

Beyond that,strip joints, porn, etc in moderation and disclosed are fine

[edit: my W might have a FAR different answer ]

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post #49 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Why do you accept a marriage structure that fails half of the time when you would not buy an item that might not work 50% of the time?
Although approximately 1/2 of all marriages will fail, 2/3 of people that get married will never get a divorce. This is because divorced people tend to get multiple divorces which raises the overall divorce rate. As far as open marriages go, having an open marriage increases the odds of a divorce, but that does not mean that there will not be couples such as you and your wife were it appears to work for you. I for one do not want to have to compete everyday with other men for the love and affection of my wife, especially if I am the one that works the heavy hours paying the bills while helping to raise our children. Some single guy that has all the free time in the world for my wife because he does not have to support a family, should not be able to come to my home for free sex with my wife, leaving me nothing but sloppy seconds when I get home. There are reasons that in century after century, geographic location after geographic location, and in culture after culture, monogamy has been adopted as the dominate form of marriage, and why open marriage cultures failed to compete.
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post #50 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

If my wife invests romantically or intimately with another person, I would consider it cheating. Whether it is long distance via text or media, or nearby, it is still cheating. Watching porn, reading erotica, etc. I do not consider cheating. Web cams, if she were interacting with the other person, yes cheating. We are monogamous, thus our own bodies and hearts are reserved for only us.

If my wife watched porn, I would not have an issie, assuming she understood it is only fantasy and it did not adversely affect our sex life.

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post #51 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Well that's different then. If a spouse specifically says that porn and strip clubs are not allowed in the marriage then technically it is infidelity to the marriage. There are a lot of fine lines here and opinions as to what is considered infidelity other than actual sex.
Certainly a gray area. If my W watched a porn movie I would not consider this infidelity. In fact, she showed me once a short porn deal on the internet that she fell upon by accident searching for a cake mix or something. My W showed me and said we need to do that.

For me, the physical act, virtual act or communication(sexual, ILY, etc) between another and my W would be considered infidelity. Watching of porn for simple entertainment or getting some ideas for the bedroom is not infidelity for me.

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post #52 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:48 AM
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post #53 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
Doing anything that you know your partner has a problem with or would be hurt by.

But with that being said, I don’t think humans were made to be monogamous. I think we’ll all fight that until the end of time. Not that a large majority is out there consciously thinking “Man!! I really wish I could love/have sex with someone else!” Just that our bodies have a visceral reaction to the opposite sex unwillingly. When you have to fight to suppress your reactions, you’re fighting against nature. I’m not saying monogamy is WRONG, I just don’t really think that’s what we were made for.
I agree with this. I also think that we have made rules, indoctrinated our children, developed customs, rewards and punishments, and make social contracts to control harmful urges. To a degree, they work, and that helps us all be more secure and able to live happy lives.

Now, some things are more harmful than others, and can't be allowed or condoned under normal circumstances - violence and especially murder fall here.

Infidelity does not reach that level, but can be very hurtful and harmful. HOWEVER, if a couple mutually agrees to some form of non-monogamy, and follows the rules they decide for this, then that is their choice and there is nothing wrong with it; it's not infidelity. Sure, they may break the rules, and suffer the consequences, just as they would with anything else. Monogamy is on a spectrum of natural human mating behavior - for some I'd say it is their natural mode, and for others it is not ... all the way to uncontrolled promiscuity at the other end of that spectrum. Most people fall somewhere between, being serially monogamous - and that's largely our culture and socialization. For those who don't naturally gravitate to monogamy, there is nothing wrong with then ethically negotiating some other arrangement with one or more partners.

Infidelity is breaking your agreement, whatever that agreement is.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #54 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Pretty much any obsessive behavior that reduces the time that spouses spend together. Intimacy is not just physical.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #55 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
But I still feel monogamy is against our nature at it’s core, and definitely a choice rather than being natural.
I'll take this one further - LOVE - love is a choice.
You choose to fall in love.
You choose to be in love.
You choose to remain in love.

Monogamy is no different than love in that regard.

But I digress from the OP question.

What is infidelity?
Anytime you give energy (be it mental, physical, emotional or sexual) (NINJA EDIT) that is to be given to your spouse to someone other than your spouse.


We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.

Last edited by snerg; 04-17-2017 at 03:26 PM.
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post #56 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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What is infidelity?
Anytime you give energy (be it mental, physical, emotional or sexual) to someone other than your spouse.
Your kids? Your parents? Your job? I think your definition is a little too broad!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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