What do you consider infidelity? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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What do you consider infidelity?

With the internet these days, some consider watching porn or texting to be infidelity. We are taught that view ourselves as half of a couple in a relationship with exclusive rights to each other's sexual pleasure even after doing it a few thousand times. Those who have read my posts know that I am not in a typical marriage nor do I think others should be. It takes a special mix of people to make it work and most fail.

For most, infidelity leads to thoughts of divorce, MC or separation. Sex with others is considered the ultimate sin in a marriage. How dare you get sexual pleasure from someone else who may have a larger penis than me or be a better man or lover. Jealousy is bred from insecurity and fear of loss. For many it also is an issue of ownership of your spouse like in the olden days when a wife was legally considered property. It still exists in this enlightened age we live in. Terms like, she belongs to me, she is mine, she is with me, he is my man, I am taken, she is taken, etc. abound in our language. All ownership terms.

I had what may be called a polyamory or ethical non monogamous marriage. We never labeled it. For us, infidelity is the lying and deceit that goes into an affair and not the sex part. We both had sex with others, as a couple mostly but also without each other. Not a problem because it was not done in secret. We each would stop any behavior that the other found uncomfortable. We did live most of our life in a poly triad, sharing my wife's girlfriend. Both girls are bisexual as were all my former girlfriends since I was 15. Why, I do not know but bi girls seem attracted to me.

Just wanted to let you know that behind the curtain of monogamy and/or vanilla sex, lies a whole other world that lives in non traditional marriages. These were our friends and considered as family with some. The view of infidelity that many have, is not the only view. Just want to start a discussion and not talk about my marriage. My marriage of 44+ years is still great and as my wife remarked last night, she cannot remember if we ever had makeup sex since we have not had a fight in decades. We have a solid marriage with lots of love. Enough to share with another woman.

Where do you draw the line in your head or marriage? Why do you accept a marriage structure that fails half of the time when you would not buy an item that might not work 50% of the time? Where do you seem marriage is heading with so many cheating and unhappy? How about internet relationships? For me, sending nude and suggestive photos to someone is not very different than standing nude in that other person's home. Please don't bash me. My friends and family who bashed us are all divorced, some more than once. Always found it odd that guys who cheat on their wives think playing with others as a couple is immoral. Anyway, what is infidelity in today's modern world? Is a fling that bad if it satisfies a need in your spouse that you are not able to meet for some reason and it makes her happier at home and with you. I am from the pre internet generation so we did not even know the labels that went with our lifestyle. To us it was just our normal life. Now it is very complicated with cell phones, texting, emails, posting of videos and pictures for others to see, etc..


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

someone who eats the last oreo!
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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

My wife giving any affection, intimacy or emotion, that is mine exclusively, to another.
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

P.S. I can meet and generally exceed all needs my wife has for a husband.

There is no one, or three, who could even remotely approach me in the category of husband to her.

She is definitely enough of a wife for me as well!
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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I think that what we label as infidelity is largely determined by our childhood programming. By that I mean the religious, moral and other ideals that are infused into our beings from before we are born, just because we live in the environment that we do. So, because monogamy is literally bred into most of us, that's what we assume is bred into everyone as the ideal. And because of all the secrecy and shame inherent in us as sexual beings whose true sexual nature is repressed, we don't actually feel able to talk about it for the most part. Lucky are the few who are able to transcend all of this programming and live according to their true sexual nature, which I believe doesn't include life long monogamy.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

So what DOES and what SHOULD comprise infidelity are different to me. One on one online chatting is cheating. Any conversation, text, on the phone or in person, that involves anything sexual toward each other, and you aren't talking to your spouse, is cheating. Any ACTION geared towards obtaining sex or sexual titillation from someone other than the person to whom you are married is cheating. So yes, flirting can be cheating if you're serious about it.

In my ideal world, though, people wouldn't get married and there would only be a promise of exclusivity if it was overtly agreed upon.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
My wife giving any affection, intimacy or emotion, that is mine exclusively, to another.
Does this include puppies?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

P.S. I own my wife and she owns me.

I own her shapely ass 5-7 times a week and she is better in bed than anyone I have ever been with.

Her first husband was part moose (guess which part) and I am so far ahead of him in the lover department that he isn't in the same 🌌 universe!

I don't fing share! I like parking my unit in my little woman knowing there isn't anyone else I am rubbing my penis against.

Nice thought that. Rubbing my penis where another penis was recently. No thanks.

Been going strong for 25 years with no cheating and I feel good about our chances to make it 25 more.

Not bashing on swingers but not for me or Mrs. Conan.
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Does this include puppies?
YES!!! Her chest puppies are all mine!!!


Bwahaha!!!
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

I have to agree with you to some point. I myself had an EA with another woman 1000 miles away. I never meant for it to happen, but it did. My wife found out about it and I came clean on everything. Me and the OW had never had any intention of meeting in real life, our relationship was based on an online game and texting, we never even spoke on the phone. As much as I know how much it hurt my wife and understand why, even now when I look back on it I think "Did I really do anything that wrong?" We never had sex, although we talked about sex in general a lot. We exchanged pictures from time to time but never anything sexual or nude. We talked about each others relationships and lives and gave each other advice.

After my EA I caught my wife texting with another man. Although I never saw any of the actual texts, after investigating everything as much as I possibly could, I was confident that nothing physical ever happened between them. She didn't come clean about what was really going on, but I knew it had to be more than just friendly texts just as she knew that about my EA. Both things were discussed at length, the boundary was set that we both had to break contact and we both did.

The way I look at it is as much as it is wrong, what's worse? Having an EA with someone you never intend to ever have an actual affair with, or going to a strip club on a weekly or even daily basis and getting a lap dance from the same girl? Most wives don't really see anything wrong with their husbands going out with the boys to a strip club, yet they're going to have half naked women hanging and possibly grinding all over them. But sending text messages to a person of the opposite sex who you really have no intentions of contact with is wrong. It's a strange standard

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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
So what DOES and what SHOULD comprise infidelity are different to me. One on one online chatting is cheating. Any conversation, text, on the phone or in person, that involves anything sexual toward each other, and you aren't talking to your spouse, is cheating. Any ACTION geared towards obtaining sex or sexual titillation from someone other than the person to whom you are married is cheating. So yes, flirting can be cheating if you're serious about it.

In my ideal world, though, people wouldn't get married and there would only be a promise of exclusivity if it was overtly agreed upon.
So basically it seems like you're saying you consider strip clubs or masturbating to porn cheating?
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Where do you draw the line in your head or marriage? Why do you accept a marriage structure that fails half of the time when you would not buy an item that might not work 50% of the time?
Good questions.

No damn clue. I'm slowly coming around to the idea of marriage in my current relationship. It wasn't that long ago that I told my partner that I didn't see the need for marriage and I didn't think it was possible for me to be satisfied with one person for the rest of my life, especially in regards to sex. Knowing the person he is, I'm surprised he didn't run for the hills when I admitted that.

I have been in an open relationship and was convinced this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Since committing to my partner, I'm a bit taken aback by my own growing level of conservatism. I find myself getting jealous, I've lost attraction to other men/women, I'm interested in marriage and I can no longer fathom sharing my partner with other women.

This is all well and good for him and us. I'm not sure whether these changes mean that I am naturally prone to monogamous relationships like most folks, or my current satisfaction with the relationship is suppressing the real, less conservative me.
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
YES!!! Her chest puppies are all mine!!!


Bwahaha!!!
My W has a set of them puppies as well!

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
So basically it seems like you're saying you consider strip clubs or masturbating to porn cheating?
Does it seem like I am saying that?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: What do you consider infidelity?

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So basically it seems like you're saying you consider strip clubs or masturbating to porn cheating?
I would not say this is infidelity. This is more so disrespectful to one's spouse. Specifically if said spouse request that clubs and porn are not to be part of the marriage.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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