Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Re: Found out my wife was cheating
First thing is that cheaters will never tell you the whole truth. It does them no good to throw fuel on the fire. She is going to tell you as little as possible and minimise the relationship. Second thing is that you will have to live being suspicious of her for a very long time. She may grow to resent that and feel it gives her license to keep on cheating if she is not doing so already.
Always remember that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior which is why they say cheaters will always cheat again. The reason she cheated is still there and she only seems to know one fix for her problem. Many women cheat because they are taken for granted. Their husbands do not make them feel sex and desirable. Sex is routine and boring. With a new man they once again feel like hot sexy women. I just kissed my wife goodnight and pulled her blouse off and played with her while pressing against her to show her how she is affecting me. I was telling her how hot she is and how much she turns me on. I do this or similar every night. During the day if she is cleaning something at the sink, I will kiss the back of her neck and tell her that I love the way she smells and how horny she makes me. I am always telling her how sexy she looks in whatever she is wearing. She likes it. She giggles and feels like she did when we were first dating.
We are married 44 years, my wife is 64 and she feels sexy and desirable. She has no need for someone else to make her feel this way. So think about this in your marriage, especially when children are involved and attention turns away from the two of you and goes to the children. Women want to recapture the passion and desire that existed during the courtship phase. The problem first appears once the romantic stage, the one after courtship, fades away. No more does your brain release feel good chemical when you merely think of each other. No more being blinded of each other's faults. It is a time when married couples have to figure out if they want to spend the rest of their lives together. With children that is more difficult because most want to stay together for the sake of the kids. Women who cheat like having a safety net at home. They have it all. A husband for all the relationships stuff and a lover for the fun and games. I have been on both sides of that coin several times and know a little about it.
Your wife should be making an effort to not be secretive given the circumstances but if she is still cheating, she will continue to be guarded. My wife and I have full access to all electronic devices owned by both of us. There is nothing to hide so why act as if there is? One more interesting psychological tidbit. Some women become addicted to their new lover and will continue with them even after being caught and knowing the consequences if caught again. I had a married woman who wore no wedding ring, did not have any ring marks on her finger and never mentioned a husband, interested in me. We messed around a little but no intercourse. One night a man knocks on my car window when we were making out in the back seat of my car. It was her husband. I calmed him down and she wanted to go home with him. I asked her if she was OK and she said that she will explain and will also take care of her husband. She called me the next day to meet her in a motel. I asked about her husband and she said she promised him it was over and she has cheated and been caught before and knows that her husband is afraid of divorcing. I turned her down and she started stalking me. She showed up at places where I was. I came home to find roses on my door step. Late night calls to wish me goodnight, letters sent to my workplace where my secretary opened my mail and a nude picture of this woman fell out. On the back of that picture was a list of all the things she wanted to do to me. My secretary apologized but it was her job to screen my mail and could not fault her. I had to move to get away from her.
So you have to decide if you can live with knots in your stomach every time she is not with you or does things that look suspicious. You cannot just train yourself to think otherwise. She has lied and deceived you. She has broken a vow of monogamy. In my book there is little difference in phone sex with nude pictures and actually being together. The intent and deception is the same regardless. I cut loose an ex fiancee and a girlfriend who cheated. I could not live with someone who I was suspicious of all the time. Good think too because they both went on to cheat on their husbands. Many say that they stay married for the sake of the children but all you are doing is grasping at any reason not to go through a messy and expensive divorce. Half of today's kids come from divorced homes. It is not big deal anymore. The danger in staying together is that your children will grow up and develop their view of marriage and how to treat someone you love from their parents and staying together with a cheating mother and suspicious father will do more harm than good to your kids.. Think about it.
Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.