I have been living with my partner for seven years and have had very many happy times - we are not married but it didn't mean we were less committed emotionally. Around a year ago, I started having suspicions that he was having an affair but there was always some almost plausible explanation ....then came the abusive comments and the distance.....things became unbearable at home until I found a hotel receipt at the end of November. I packed his things and made him leave......not out of anger, but because i simply couldn't cope any more and was desperately upset..
He again came up with semi plausible excuse and promised to prove it to me that he wasn't at that hotel.....then wrote many loving emails saying how he was lost without me and wanted to be home.....
Fast forward to March and still the promise of proof but nothing forthcoming and I was becoming more and more impatient and cold towards him. During all of this time, he had spent Saturdays/Sundays with me and I continued to receive loving texts and emails, flowers. Then I dug deeper myself and finally got the proof that he had been at the hotel with someone - I looked her up and called her.
I was lucky on one level as she was very honest with me and we went through everything. She was completely shocked as he had said he was single and he had lied about his age....she is 20 years his junior and he had lied continuously to her as well. The night of the hotel bill was in fact their first time...but they had met up for meals after work and bars for nearly the entire year and had been friends. He had continued seeing her albeit infrequently whilst supposedly desperate to move home.
The discovery of this has hit me very hard and there are days I just cannot function. A month on, the pain is still intense but after being asked to try and forgive and think about a second chance, I decided the pain of losing him out of my life would be even worse. And so we started to talk.
And this is where I am now even more confused..... from that minute of me saying I would try...he claims to be so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that he is struggling to re engage. He is convinced I will never trust him (it will be a long journey yes but I'm confident i can if we get therapy) and just does not respond with any reassuring or loving words, just reasons why it will be difficult. The affair is definitely over. Is this a normal pattern as all i seem to read is wayward spouses doing everything they can to return to their wives/partners. He says he wants to be home but needs time to work out how to engage. It all seems to be about him ...STILL! I have ended up being the supportive one and am now wondering whether I am kidding myself here and perhaps its just him not wanting to be back but will not tell me. or can extreme feelings of guilt and shame do this?
I should also add that his mother died the day i found out and he has also been dealing with his grief over that.
any help would be really appreciated as i feel i am going mad!!
Oh hun, you have made a grave mistake. The question is why didn't the potential guilt not make him stop. You should not be supporting him he should be supporting you! There is so much better out there for you. He is not the catch you think he is. The guilt talk is just a buffer to string you along. Unfortunately. Yes people are really that cruel. And yes they can do that right under your nose. Most of us here have had it happen. Most people in life have had it happen.
The primary key for a successful long term relationship is character. This man has shown you he has none. Please think long and hard about that.
I'm very anxious of being on my own, even at the expense of staying with someone who has hurt me.
This is what you really need to work on. The fear is making you settle for something that is going to cause you great pain in the end. Understand this kind of man, his lack of character leaves you in a very real position of being on your own even later in life. Or how about if you get sick. Do you have any confidence he will step up for you? Sadly you are putting your trust into someone who lied to you for a whole year. This is like moving into a house on a movie lot. It's just a facade, opening the door leads to a parking lot.
If you really work on being single and strong you will be OK I promise. Sometimes it better to be alone then with someone who abuses you. You are only 50 not dead. Your life is not over. You need to have some courage though. Nothing good in life comes without risk. Besides all that as long as you are spending all your emotional energy on this man you will never have a chance to find someone good and decent.
Some kind soul link this woman to Love Shack's Affair Partner's page so she can get a real idea of the kind of person she is dealing with. I can't even go near that place.