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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

I think you have a perfect opportunity here my Lady.

1. you are not Married to this cheater so leave him.

2. he is/was abusive towards you. You dont want to be in relationship like this one and especially have kids with person like him. He will not be a good Father and Husband trust me.

If you think you can change him you are verry wrong.

Think forward 15-20 years and your life with this man!!! It is not looking good,right ?

Stay strong.

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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

If someone were capable of feeling guilty could they cheat?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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Originally Posted by abbie666 View Post
thank you - the hardest part for me was he asked for another chance and then backtracked.....i agree with Jessica however that they are in 'affair fog' for quite a while usually and this blinds them.
I know everyone is right in saying I should just move on.....but its easier said than done!

i wish you luck too - hopefully your husband will come to his senses
I think he asked for a second chance to see if you'd still be there for him. You jumped at it, and now he's like...meh, I don't know.

I can almost guarantee that if you go no contact with him, he will blow up your phone morning, noon and night. I've dated these types of guys who are always playing endless head games, and the only way they end, is for you to end them.

I wouldn't stay with this guy, I'd go no contact, because THEN, you will heal. No contact means no texting, no emailing, no facebook, no contact of any type. It means cutting out friends who talk about him non stop to keep the drama going, too. It means finding yourself again, and the only way to do that is to go no contact. I really hope you stay true to yourself.

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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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I have been living with my partner for seven years and have had very many happy times - we are not married but it didn't mean we were less committed emotionally. Around a year ago, I started having suspicions that he was having an affair but there was always some almost plausible explanation ....then came the abusive comments and the distance.....things became unbearable at home until I found a hotel receipt at the end of November. I packed his things and made him leave......not out of anger, but because i simply couldn't cope any more and was desperately upset..

He again came up with semi plausible excuse and promised to prove it to me that he wasn't at that hotel.....then wrote many loving emails saying how he was lost without me and wanted to be home.....

Fast forward to March and still the promise of proof but nothing forthcoming and I was becoming more and more impatient and cold towards him. During all of this time, he had spent Saturdays/Sundays with me and I continued to receive loving texts and emails, flowers. Then I dug deeper myself and finally got the proof that he had been at the hotel with someone - I looked her up and called her.

I was lucky on one level as she was very honest with me and we went through everything. She was completely shocked as he had said he was single and he had lied about his age....she is 20 years his junior and he had lied continuously to her as well. The night of the hotel bill was in fact their first time...but they had met up for meals after work and bars for nearly the entire year and had been friends. He had continued seeing her albeit infrequently whilst supposedly desperate to move home.

The discovery of this has hit me very hard and there are days I just cannot function. A month on, the pain is still intense but after being asked to try and forgive and think about a second chance, I decided the pain of losing him out of my life would be even worse. And so we started to talk.

And this is where I am now even more confused..... from that minute of me saying I would try...he claims to be so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that he is struggling to re engage. He is convinced I will never trust him (it will be a long journey yes but I'm confident i can if we get therapy) and just does not respond with any reassuring or loving words, just reasons why it will be difficult. The affair is definitely over. Is this a normal pattern as all i seem to read is wayward spouses doing everything they can to return to their wives/partners. He says he wants to be home but needs time to work out how to engage. It all seems to be about him ...STILL! I have ended up being the supportive one and am now wondering whether I am kidding myself here and perhaps its just him not wanting to be back but will not tell me. or can extreme feelings of guilt and shame do this?

I should also add that his mother died the day i found out and he has also been dealing with his grief over that.

any help would be really appreciated as i feel i am going mad!!
Oh hun, you have made a grave mistake. The question is why didn't the potential guilt not make him stop. You should not be supporting him he should be supporting you! There is so much better out there for you. He is not the catch you think he is. The guilt talk is just a buffer to string you along. Unfortunately. Yes people are really that cruel. And yes they can do that right under your nose. Most of us here have had it happen. Most people in life have had it happen.

The primary key for a successful long term relationship is character. This man has shown you he has none. Please think long and hard about that.

Quote:
I'm very anxious of being on my own, even at the expense of staying with someone who has hurt me.
This is what you really need to work on. The fear is making you settle for something that is going to cause you great pain in the end. Understand this kind of man, his lack of character leaves you in a very real position of being on your own even later in life. Or how about if you get sick. Do you have any confidence he will step up for you? Sadly you are putting your trust into someone who lied to you for a whole year. This is like moving into a house on a movie lot. It's just a facade, opening the door leads to a parking lot.

If you really work on being single and strong you will be OK I promise. Sometimes it better to be alone then with someone who abuses you. You are only 50 not dead. Your life is not over. You need to have some courage though. Nothing good in life comes without risk. Besides all that as long as you are spending all your emotional energy on this man you will never have a chance to find someone good and decent.

Some kind soul link this woman to Love Shack's Affair Partner's page so she can get a real idea of the kind of person she is dealing with. I can't even go near that place.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-16-2017 at 08:46 PM.
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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:26 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Abbie, 'affair fog' is just another self-soothing term a betrayed spouse uses to explain why their cheater is acting like an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

Truth is, it's not some magical 'fog' at all. It's the sad fact that he IS an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

I've had the misfortune of spending some time with a few of these types in my past. That's why they're in my past.

Your name fits you. Speak the truth!
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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:38 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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She has cut all contact with him....he lied about his age and she was very angry with all the lies he told her too..... seven years is a significant time to be with someone and he is going to counselling to understand why he acted in the way he did...... i simply do not get why he is seemingly paralysed by this guilt instead of grasping the chance to work things out.....not after all the emails and texts I received. Me finding out for sure about the cheating changed his whole outlook!
Because he is lying to you. It's not guilt. He is a liar. That is what cheaters do, they lie. You know this it's just too painful for you to admit it. Isn't it time to see this for what it is even if it is very hard. OP this man is not a good man. He is a manipulator, he did it to you, and he did it to her. He would still be doing it to her but she had the good sense to move on. He is still doing it to you because you are letting him.
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Abbie, 'affair fog' is just another self-soothing term a betrayed spouse uses to explain why their cheater is acting like an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

Truth is, it's not some magical 'fog' at all. It's the sad fact that he IS an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

I've had the misfortune of spending some time with a few of these types in my past. That's why they're in my past.
You give excellent advice, and I wish more betrayed spouses would stop giving all kinds of excuses to why their partners are cheating, and just follow your advice!

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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Hello, thank you everyone for all your replies, they have been hard to read but have forced me into a reality check on this. It's clear he isn't reinvesting in this relationship, for whatever reason. Beyond hurt at moment but appreciate everyone taking their time to help.
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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 05:23 AM Thread Starter
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Quick update ..... Since writing this post, his affair remained over however he has not shown any increased effort to re engage. He asks me out for dinner perhaps once a week and texts every now and again but he constantly says he is struggling to find the path back and that he is disengaged with everything and everything in his life after the death of his mother 2 months ago. Refuses to hug me even and admits to being very angry with me (?!). He does not seem to get it that I am hurt and we only ever seem to talk about him. Finally, on Friday, he told me he thinks he has depression as he just wants to be on his own and cannot even go shopping without panicking and wanting to be away from people. He was shaking and needs his safe haven...... He will not go for help and I have no idea whether this is another lie. I finally get it that our relationship is over and that he has messed with my mind. However I still do not understand why he was begging to come home until the day I found out for sure, when he then distanced. I guess all of this is something I will never get answers to! So after Friday, I decided to go no contact, I have to get myself well again. He sent a message Saturday but I didn't reply - this made me feel good for a little while but now it's a lonely road!
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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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Originally Posted by abbie666 View Post
Quick update ..... Since writing this post, his affair remained over however he has not shown any increased effort to re engage. He asks me out for dinner perhaps once a week and texts every now and again but he constantly says he is struggling to find the path back and that he is disengaged with everything and everything in his life after the death of his mother 2 months ago. Refuses to hug me even and admits to being very angry with me (?!). He does not seem to get it that I am hurt and we only ever seem to talk about him. Finally, on Friday, he told me he thinks he has depression as he just wants to be on his own and cannot even go shopping without panicking and wanting to be away from people. He was shaking and needs his safe haven...... He will not go for help and I have no idea whether this is another lie. I finally get it that our relationship is over and that he has messed with my mind. However I still do not understand why he was begging to come home until the day I found out for sure, when he then distanced. I guess all of this is something I will never get answers to! So after Friday, I decided to go no contact, I have to get myself well again. He sent a message Saturday but I didn't reply - this made me feel good for a little while but now it's a lonely road!
This guy reminds me of George Costanza on Seinfeld. Sometimes George would go to GREAT lengths to lie to a woman in order to avoid being with her instead of just being honest with her. That's what your boyfriend keeps doing - coming up with more and more feeble and outlandish, ridiculous reasons for why he can't be with you.

The simple truth is, he doesn't want to be with you.

Not because he's 'racked with guilt,' and not because he's 'depressed,' not because of his mother's recent death, not because he fears his cheating created 'too much damage to overcome,' and not because of all the other lame garbage he's thrown your way these last few months.

He's not coming home because he doesn't want to.

You don't realize it but he's done you a huge favor. Anyone capable of sinking to the lows he's sunk to isn't WORTH keeping in your life. One day, you'll realize that.

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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Yes i finally understand he doesn't want to be with me but it's been me these past few months saying we need to make a decision and he has been the one prolonging it. And before I discovered for certain, he sent over 50 messages and lots of emails all begging to come home!iAny ideas on how a person can forget absolutely everything we ever did over 7 years?! He says he cannot remember anything more at all! I'm just struggling !!
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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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Originally Posted by abbie666 View Post

Quick update...

Finally, on Friday, he told me he thinks he has depression as he just wants to be on his own and cannot even go shopping without panicking and wanting to be away from people. He was shaking and needs his safe haven...
Now he's depressed, needs his safe place. He sounds like a real Buttercup.

All just more lies... the truth is he got caught, busted. He knows since your not married, no kids, no baggage, he can just walk away and disappear and... "all better now". 7 years is a long time, but be thankful that you dodged that bullet.

Time to rip-off the rearview mirror and let Buttercup be a distant memory.

BTW, the affair that's caught is rarely the first.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 05-29-2017 at 09:36 AM.
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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

Enough with this nonsense. You need an adult.
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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

I think it's very common to just 'forget' long periods of committed time with SO's when the party is over. For some people, when the love is over, it's over. They put the memories in some box that says the SO is 'someone that I used to know.'

Your ex was a dog with a bone before you proved his cheating. He wasn't letting go of you as long as you were willing to see him as a reasonable, respectable prospect. It wasn't you personally that he wanted - he just didn't want to lose something that he had. He wasn't giving up the bone. Once you knew for certain about his lying and cheating, he could dispense with this charade.

The guilt excuse is just another charade. As others have said, he doesn't want your relationship anymore, but hasn't been man enough to cut the cord. First he strings you along acting like he wants back in, and then hits on the 'guilty' excuse to keep you at bay once you appear to have bought all his previous crocodile tears.

A common coward's way out is to say, 'I've hurt you so much that I fear you will never get over it, so it's better that we split,' or 'I'm so consumed with guilt that I can't see us working together as a couple anymore.' These are just code for 'I really don't want to reconcile, but don't want to sound like the POS in all of this. I know that I burned the house down, but don't want anyone to know that I'm not willing to even try to rebuild it.'

The man's a coward and you deserve better.

And 51 isn't too old to 'dump a cheater and gain a life.'
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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: how does guilt consume a wayward spouse?

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he told me he thinks he has depression as he just wants to be on his own and cannot even go shopping without panicking and wanting to be away from people.... I still do not understand why he was begging to come home until the day I found out for sure, when he then distanced.
He's the very definition of unstable. You will be too unless you ditch this loser. Don't try to understand the non-understandable, just get away from him. Permanently.
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