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post #16 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:14 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Mary,

I think your feelings are very raw right now. So things on a forum like this can seem to be a bit harsh. Just know that people posting here are trying to help you. Take what makes sense to you and just leave the rest.

I really hope that you do read the book "Surviving an Affair". It will give you a lot of insight and a very good plan on how to handle things.

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post #17 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:15 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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I'm miserable right now....does he not get that?
I'm sorry to say this but he doesn't care. Please see a lawyer get what is rightfully yours. You may be to week to fight, but that is what the lawyer will do for you fight. My dear you need to fight. Him locking you out of your house is disgusting. Tell your friends and family. Get support and take his every last dollar.

You will get through this but your husband is dead. Better get strong now. Please fight for yourself.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-16-2017 at 01:20 AM.
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post #18 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Originally Posted by kristin2349 View Post
^^^THIS^^^


OP I have been exactly where you are, I was married for almost 25 years when I found out my now Ex was having an affair with a 29 year old gold digging subordinate at work. I can sympathize with how you are feeling, I'm so sorry this is happening.

I know you want him back and you want to save your marriage, this may be possible but not while the affair is active. You need to stop playing nice with him and do a hard 180 (google the 180 affaircare.com has a page detailing it). Have you exposed the affair and the OW?

When I was in your shoes I was a hot mess but I got my stuff together and went to see every good divorce lawyer in my area. I didn't tell my Ex anything, I kept him in completely in the dark. I kicked him out and stopped speaking to him except via e-mail or text (answered very slowly and only if it was $ related). After being caught and denying the whole thing, they were "just friends" of course...He wanted to reconcile, but after giving myself time to think about what life would be like with a cheater for a spouse I filed (surprised him at work). It gets better! I am very happy with my decision, my Ex is alone and still wants to reconcile. I sold the house which I was awarded in the divorce and bought a beautiful new home that is exactly what I wanted. I'm so much happier than I could have imagined. Yes I am just as happy as I was when my marriage was "good". This is not the end of the world, it might feel like it right now...But it will get better.

Thanks for your words. I will check out the website you have recommended. Yes the OW has been put on 'blast' and so has her family (as they all work for the same company). Not sure what tomorrow holds but right now I'm taking it one day at a time and healing myself (and getting my house back)
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post #19 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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queenmary


I saw your post on another thread. You mention the book "His Needs, Her Needs".

My suggestion is that you first read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Then, after that there are two books that would help you:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Read them in the order I've talked about there here. They are all writen by Dr. Harley and go together. The first one, SA, will tell you what to do to try to get your husband to work on reconciliation with you. Only after that can you work on the next two books.

Then you read "Love Busters". This book is about stopping the things that each of you do that kills your love for each other.

Then, once you have stopped the love busters, you read "His Needs, Her Needs". This books is about rebuilding passionate love. You can only rebuild love after the affair is over and after you both stop the love busters.
Why are you telling her to read books about fixing the marriage when she can't even get back in her house?!!
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post #20 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:28 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Two things you need to realize in life if you want to be healthy. For all of the wonderfulness of love, there are more important things in life than love. It is more important that you are treated with decency and respect then even your love for your husband. Love is not enough to make a good marriage. Despite what the songs and poems tell us, love is not enough to live on.

The second thing is that everything ends. Relationships end. It is painful but it is a part of life. You do yourself grave harm if you hold onto something that is unhealthy for you because you don't want to experience the pain of the ending. Holding on to something that is dead just prolongs the pain. If you are incapable at this point to see your marriage as over. At least see the man who you married as over. This person who has done this terrible thing to you is a new person. He killed your husband.
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post #21 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:18 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Originally Posted by queenmary View Post
Thanks EleGirl.

I am still here...was just out and about today keeping busy. I gained a lot of clarity today and him and I have agreed to meet tomorrow. I have decided to tell him that I'm moving back to OUR house and he can move out and then we can attempt some sort of reconciliation with professional help. Yes I am in counseling and have spoken to my Dr about depression. Hesitant to start taking depression meds...I have a follow up visit next week to see if things changed and if we both feel they are necessary.

While I appreciate your candor, I'm having a hard time with some of your responses as I'm still in love with this person so it really doesn't do anyone any good to 'bash' him at this point. Maybe at a later time but bashing him doesn't help anyone who is trying to heal themselves.

I completely understand that what he did was illegal and yes I am taking steps to get all of my legal rights. Sorry if my original post was misleading as I'm not just going to wither into the woods. I am a strong person who's just kind of lost right now. Was really looking for some help/insight for me (not him).

thanks again.
Queen Mary, this is tough what has happened to you after so many years of marriage. It is good you are getting counselling, this will make you stronger. Of course it is hard to get over the man you have loved all these years but there are a few issues you must consider

1. Your WH is not the man you fell in love with, he has moved onto a younger woman and treated you as garbage, that may be harsh, but this is a reality you have to come to terms with. If you do not then you will not be strong enough to do what you need to do
2. You need to take your rightful place back in your home.
3. You must get a lawyer and see what your options are.
4. You must tell all family and friends what he has done, he has to be accountable to others. What he has done will be frowned upon. Do not cover for him.

4. Your WH may or may not be in a fog which will not last or he may well have made the break from you permanently but until you start to operate from a place of strength and take back some control, you will not be in any position to direct your own life

5. I am hoping that you get stronger, work on yourself, hopefully you will move on from this man.

The most important thing in marriage is that we do not depend our spouse to complete us or make us happy that must come from within.

You have not told us how your marriage was , how your menopause affected it, however a loving and decent man would stand by you. All the best on making your way back to normalcy with or without him.
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post #22 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Can you explain why you think you love a person who would treat you and your marriage this way?

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #23 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

queenmary, people are being "harsh" because that's actually the better path towards reconciliation. If you grovel and beg for reconciliation, he'll lose both respect for you and any remaining attraction he has. He needs to understand that you're not his fallback plan, even if you fully intend to be his fallback plan. This is a time when you do not show your hand.
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post #24 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

I am sorry you are here my Lady.

Your Husband is a big fool. I would give everything to have someone to love me for 25 years. What a fool he is. I cant belive it.

First thing you need to do is move back to your House. If he wont let you in call the Police,Swat team,anything that comes to your mind. It is still your House.

He is finding excuses for his actions and he will try to hurt you saying some harsh words.Dont listen to them.
Remember this is not your fault.

Expose them.Let your Family and Friends know what a dumb man he is. Also they are co-workers. Report them. Go nuclear.
If you have Kids tell them. A good Father and Husband would never do this.

He is moved on so dont beg him.You dont want to be a Plan B.

25 years.I feel some anger typing this,damn.

Stay strong and best wishes to you.
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post #25 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

I completely understand about the books advise. Queen Mary is in a lot of pain. Everything is so raw and mind-boggling right now.

She is a fixer. She wants to fix things. Sadly, she can't fix what she didn't break. In these early stages it is very difficult to see the awful truth that what you treasure, love and cherished is completely gone. The bulldozer her husband hit her with shows us her emotionally broken self. She can't see this because this type of trauma leaves no marks on the outside. But the damage has indeed been done. time and knowledge will alleviate and help with the healing process.

Thank you for letting us know you are being proactive towards getting back into your home, exposing your situation, seeking legal council and getting medical help.

I am truly sorry if my comments were harsh for your WS. The anger monster got to me. He is not you though. My anger is not for you, I empathize with you as I have been where you are. I feared you were thinking of harming yourself. I wanted to trigger your anger because it was that anger that helped be get off my codependent and natural born fixer ways and fight for me and my kids even if all I wanted was to die. I was very suicidal in those first 4 weeks after D-day. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't shake off the suicidal thoughts the first two weeks. I got on meds and at the 4 week mark, the anger stage hit me like a ton of bricks.

Whether your marriage survives or not, you do need to realize that your WS is not who he used to be. If he is not remorseful and willing to bend over backwards for you, you cannot nice him back.

The books will help you understand and answer things your WS cannot answer honestly.

A good book to also read is from abandonment to healing. It is not about infidelity but death. Your old marriage is dead. A new one may bebuilt.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #26 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

I think for him to change the locks on you speaks volumes on how lost your husband is in himself and where his mind is not willing to make healthy decisions. For the moment... this is who he is and no matter how you may resolve this, he will not be the same as much as you may wish him to be. Accepting this is always hard, but is the first critical step for looking at the pain that encircles you and changing how you see it.

Love is a powerful tool, but the only one we can truly count on to wield it masterfully is ourselves and too often we forget that it is best used on ourselves... especially when we have entrusted others with it. Sadly, they become complacent in it's care, it gets a little bent or rusty, and then it doesn't quite hold up for the job when neglect has happened and it is handed back to us for self-application. You trusted him to keep it well-maintained and are now disappointed and hurt in addition to holding the tool that you're not quite sure how to use for yourself at the moment.

No better time like the present to relearn it's mastery.

My first thought about the locks would be to notify local law enforcement, then hire a locksmith to let me back in to my home, and with an LEO presence, regain access to all I am entitled to.

His actions are a legal cornucopia of everything in your favor... let the lawyers do what most of them do best, protect your rights.

In the meantime, admit the truth to everyone... he broke your heart (for the moment), but not your spirit and find your authentic power (hint: it's not in him). He took advantage of you, he broke his vows, he intentionally has tried to hurt you... this is not love on his part.

Your love is not misplaced, but right now, it is misapplied. Giving effort to something that will not benefit is a wonderful practice as long as what you are giving it to does not hurt you... this does, so time to dial it back a little. Of course you love him, or what used to be him, can you love what he has become?

I would think not... but the man he was and you respected, keep that idea of love in your pocket for the times you want to think of how kind you can be for someone who returns your respect, your passion, your patience, and your love, realizing that for love to grow, it must be returned in-kind.

That's the love you want for yourself.

Sadly, he may not be able to provide that for you again. This is where acceptance kicks it in the pants...

To focus on thinking straight for your best interest, place yourself in a position of non-judgemental strength... what is happening in your life is not good or bad, fair or unfair. It just is. What acceptance helps us do is learn to deal with life-changing obstacles like abandonment, betrayal, or loss. This may seem silly to many, but it is far from passive, it's a training ground for clarity and action as you begin collecting all the things due you as you proceed through what may be the inevitability... divorce.

But if you do not divorce, it also gives you the foundation for seeing that he is staying with you for all the right reasons... and they must be the right reasons because if they aren't, letting go is required.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst... loving yourself more every step.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #27 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@queenmary

Are you okay financially? Do you have a place to stay if it is unbearable to be at your marital home. I mean, what if his girlfriend is living there right now?

Are you able to maintain/run your car, get groceries, pay bills on your own?

Any sympathetic family to help and support you; at least temporarily?

I agree with everyone who says that he has no right to kick you out of the house. If he won't leave; and the conditions there are emotionally destroying, then I was just hoping you have a back-up plan.
Yes, I am ok financially and I'm staying at a family members house. I have lots of friends and family support.
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post #28 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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thanks for your words....again I'm having a hard time with the harshness of some of the responses.
Dang.....and I hadn't even replied until now. I'm not known for my sugary sweet posts; I leave that to the bleeding hearts.

QM, just remember to respect yourself at all times going forward. A man whose willing to treat you like you're some kind of squatter in your own home and throw you out to the wolves by changing the locks is a despicable excuse for a human being. I don't care how much you love him - that doesn't negate the TRUTH. You need to face it and stop looking at him with your rose-colored glasses.

You've allowed an incredible amount of disrespect from him and yet you still defend him here. I'd really be curious what you'd tell your 26 year old daughter (if you had one) if she came to you telling you her husband had locked her out of the house during the wee hours of the morning with only the shirt on her back, then told her she needs to move on because he's unhappy and has found someone new and she needs to find somewhere else to stay.

What would you tell her? You'd tell her EXACTLY what we've all been saying to you.

And whatever you do, please respect yourself and DON'T do the 'pick me dance,' begging him to come back to you. That's about as degrading as it gets.
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post #29 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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And whatever you do, please respect yourself and DON'T do the 'pick me dance,' begging him to come back to you. That's about as degrading as it gets.
Not to mention it rubs the cheater the wrong way. The pick me dance is classic fixer mentality and very codependent. Very poor coping mechanisms that should be eradicated as of yesterday.

If you have a good counselor, those are one of the first things he/she needs to work with you to fix in YOU. Sadly, you have to allow it. You are focused on fixing a marriage that is dead.

Rebuilding a new one is possible "only" if your WS is remorseful and sees how important it is to get that marriage back. You can't fix anything without him and his willingness to go into it 100%. Half assing it won't cut it. You going into this pulling all the weight he should be pulling is half assing it as well as him not doing the heavy lifting or not going into 100%.

It's what we all call here a "fake reconciliation". Be weary that you don't fall into that trap. The only thing you win with that is wasted time.

Just go back and read some of the posters on the CWI part of this forum.

Your reaction is not unique, the majority of us tried it to no avail. I did it for a month, some do it for months, years, or never get out. That doesn't change the truth. The marriage died on d-day.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #30 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Why are you telling her to read books about fixing the marriage when she can't even get back in her house?!!
You really need to back off. I'm not sure why you think you are the post police around here but you have been doing this a lot lately.

Not that I need to explain anything to you... but just to show how much you don't know about what is going on ........ On another thread, she said that she was going to read "His Needs, Her Needs". So I explained to her that this was not the first book she needs to read.

By the way, she is getting back into her home. That was the first thing I suggested that she do. She's doing it.

I know that for you, the only solution you have for any betrayed spouse is for them to end the marriage, burn all bridges, and take no prisoners, etc.

But the OP said that she wants to try to recover her marriage, she has a right to decide what she wants to do with her life.

Demanding that a person do what you want her to do and coming out with a 2x4 to beat it into them is the quickest way to drive a poster who is in a fragile situation off of TAM. It happens constantly.

Last edited by EleGirl; 04-16-2017 at 02:33 PM.
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