Husband of 25 years cheated - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

QM, I had a hard time with the tough love style of many of the posters here on TAM when my ex first left me. It's not that they were wrong, it was just that I was so completely raw. For some people tough love isn't useful. Here is the knowledge that was useful. First, I had to grieve my husband as if was dead. The person he was no longer exists. Now somebody else is in his body, and despite appearances that new person is not your husband. The others thing that really helped me was the realization that's I was not alone. Other people have walked this path before and survived. It's been almost 3 years for me, and I still miss the man he was. But he is not that man anymore. The person he is now is a cheater and a liar. I don't really understand why he became that person, but he did. In terms of practical advice, get a lawyer and follow their advice. Do not trust yourself to make the best decisions for you. Get a good counselor and a good lawyer.


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post #32 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Originally Posted by queenmary View Post
Yes, I am ok financially and I'm staying at a family members house. I have lots of friends and family support.
Do and your husband have separate finances? Or do you also have joint accounts?
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post #33 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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You really need to back off. I'm not sure why you think you are the post police around here but you have been doing this a lot lately.

Not that I need to explain anything to you... but just to show how much you don't know about what is going on ........ On another thread, she said that she was going to read "His Needs, Her Needs". So I explained to her that this was not the first book she needs to read.

By the way, she is getting back into her home. That was the first thing I suggested that she do. She's doing it.

I know that for you, the only solution you have for any betrayed spouse is for them to end the marriage, burn all bridges, and take no prisoners, etc.

But the OP said that she wants to try to recover her marriage, she has a right to decide what she wants to do with her life.

Demanding that a person do what you want her to do and coming out with a 2x4 to beat it into them is the quickest way to drive a poster who is in a fragile situation off of TAM. It happens constantly.
Your right. I just don't want to see this poor woman make her self any more vulnerable then she already is.
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post #34 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:26 PM
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Cool Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

QM ~ Seems I'm habitually late to the party, but your H really can't legally do that to you!

Where are/were you living when he changed the locks out on you?

If you haven't already done so, please consult with a good "piranha" family law attorney to explore all of your many joint property rights! It's most ascertainable that he could well be the one thrown out of the house when this gets to court ~ not that you'd want to necessarily continue living there anyway!

Welcome to TAM! So sorry to see you here but you've come to the best possible venue for help, understanding, and advice!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #35 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Two things you need to realize in life if you want to be healthy. For all of the wonderfulness of love, there are more important things in life than love. It is more important that you are treated with decency and respect then even your love for your husband. Love is not enough to make a good marriage. Despite what the songs and poems tell us, love is not enough to live on.

The second thing is that everything ends. Relationships end. It is painful but it is a part of life. You do yourself grave harm if you hold onto something that is unhealthy for you because you don't want to experience the pain of the ending. Holding on to something that is dead just prolongs the pain. If you are incapable at this point to see your marriage as over. At least see the man who you married as over. This person who has done this terrible thing to you is a new person. He killed your husband.
This is excellent advice. And I'd add to that, that it's important to learn some things about yourself during this time, too. Why are you so eager to stay in a bad marriage? Why are you so eager to run back to a guy who betrayed you, and locked you out of the house? I have a feeling there's lots more to the story than this, people don't just change over night. They don't go from loving amazing husbands, to locking their wives out and banging their coworker. I have a feeling your husband ''changed'' a long time ago, and his affair is just a symptom of something greater.

So, to me, this a learning opportunity in that it's time to look at yourself, look at what you want out of life, and heal. This will be hard to work through, but sometimes these things happen to show us how strong we are.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #36 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

QM, please take to heart the advice you received about learning why you are wanting to save a marriage to a man who would do this to you.

My first marriage ended much the same as your situation. I wasted literally years because I refused to answer that question. It would have meant accepting that my whole marriage had been a lie because I never truly knew the person I was married to....And that was just too damn painful. I spent years in kind of a trance state of denial trying to avoid that pain. I was finally able, with the help of the right counselor and medications that I was finally able to feel that crushing pain, work my way through it and come out on the other side. But in the meantime, I was not able to accomplish anything good for myself or my kids. I am still trying to make up that lost time.

I am not saying you need to have everything figured out tomorrow...Or next year even. Just don't find that comfortably numb spot where moving back is not an option and moving forward is too painful and unpack there.

The fact that you still love your husband does not change the fact that he has done something abhorrent to you. Why do you love someone who could do that to you?

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post #37 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Nice to hear that you have support from Family and Friends. I am sorry if I offended you saying your Husband is a fool but I belive lots of your friends told you the same.

You want to save your Marriage and I can understand that. You love him,spend almost all of your life together but you have to realize you cant "win him back".

He have to apologize for all his actions,then prove to you that he is sorry,remorseful and will never do this again.

In your case it is going to be hard because he is acting like he is moved on. Also dont forget about his job. If you want to stay together he must change his job because other woman is working there. No Contact with her no matter what.

His Affair is a long one. You dont just kick your Spouse out of the House for a one night stand. They planned to live there,in your House.

Remember this is not your fault.

Stay strong my Lady.
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post #38 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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To focus on thinking straight for your best interest, place yourself in a position of non-judgemental strength... what is happening in your life is not good or bad, fair or unfair. It just is. What acceptance helps us do is learn to deal with life-changing obstacles like abandonment, betrayal, or loss. This may seem silly to many, but it is far from passive, it's a training ground for clarity and action


Emerging,

I realize the above quote is only a section of your kind, well meant post.

But, with regards to what I bolded, how can what is happening to OP be neither bad or good, just or unjust.

I don't understand Buddhism [obviously], so I'm assuming [probably in error??] that these are Buddhist teachings; and it is interesting.

But just from a gut-level, empirical view of life; I think some things *are* bad, good, just or unjust.

It is bad and unjust that OP's husband threw her out of her house. It is not neutral. Right?

I'm not starting an argument. I loved the benevolence I sensed in your post. I just don't see how there can be an absence of moral value in such a situation.

@queenmary

Sorry, I don't mean to threadjack by getting offtrack on philosophical issues.

You are saying that you still love your husband; and folks here are asking how you can still love someone who would treat you so egregiously bad.

Do you mean you are still physically in love with him? Like, still find him handsome, it's thrilling when he touches you?

If so, it's really important to have as little-to-no in person contact with him as possible.

Hormones and physical attraction make it very difficult to think clearly and logically.

And, I am truly sorry for you if you do still love your husband on a physical level. It's awful that he still has that hold over you. That would give him too much power.


Hope you're doing well; I mean as well as can be expected under the circumstances----sleeping, eating regularly, and so forth.
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post #39 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

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Emerging,

I realize the above quote is only a section of your kind, well meant post.

But, with regards to what I bolded, how can what is happening to OP be neither bad or good, just or unjust.

I don't understand Buddhism [obviously], so I'm assuming [probably in error??] that these are Buddhist teachings; and it is interesting.

But just from a gut-level, empirical view of life; I think some things *are* bad, good, just or unjust.

It is bad and unjust that OP's husband threw her out of her house. It is not neutral. Right?

I'm not starting an argument. I loved the benevolence I sensed in your post. I just don't see how there can be an absence of moral value in such a situation.

Argument? Heavens no!

The more I practice Buddhism the more I seek to remove suffering and the mechanisms that bring it... good or bad, just or unjust, are labels of judgement we apply to balance the things that are happening to us in our lives. Of course things are easily defined based on if they make us happy or sad, our lives easier or harder, heartfelt or heartache, and it is easier to accept when it is on the positive but when the negative knocks us for a loop we need those "is that so?" moments so we are not defined by our pain and discomfort but more by our ability to look past that which hurts us and see that while it may be in the way, it is nothing that will stop us from taking that next step to a better way.

In the end, do I want to give credence to others that try to impose suffering on me, or do I see it for what it is... an attempt to throw me off my path of mindful goals.

I understand how it may seem closer to the vest and inapplicable with someone you love and are in a relationship with, in their worst they cause suffering beyond measure because you are open trusting, exposed and vulnerable as love should be, but in the end we have to ask ourselves at those times they are at their worst without judgement "if you do not want to be with me, please go find the happiness you need", and then love ourselves more.

Judgement tells us we are owed something, and in those moments of pain and disappointment the sooner we can realize that we will not get it from those that hurt us, it is much better to let go than to dwell on that which is no longer attainable in what used to be a loving relationship.

It isn't an absence... it is a replacement of something that was lost, then found again in ourselves.

नमस्ते 🙏
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