Husband of 25 years cheated - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Husband of 25 years cheated

2 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 25 years was cheating on me. I found the information in his phone (it was not uncommon for either of us to be using the others phone).

I walked out of the store and he didn't come after me. Called a friend to pick me up and eventually I went back to our house only to find him not there. After hours of text messages he finally called me and said he would come home. He found me crumpled on the floor and bawling my eyes out. He was so cold...not the man I know. Told me he had been unhappy for years, which came as a shock because we did everything together and were always laughing and being affectionate. In our marriage we had small disagreements but would always resolve them. I started having pre-menopausal symptoms (turning 48 this year...he's already 48). I was getting all of this checked out with my Dr. He never expressed his unhappiness to me or any of our friends.

I left our home at 3am 2 weeks ago. After driving around for hours, went back home only to find the locks were changed. Was able to get my clothes but that's it. Yes, I know this is illegal for him to do.

We have mainly communicated via text. We met in person 2x and he tells me he still loves me and wants me to be 'happy' and he's not the guy to provide that for me anymore. I'm miserable right now....does he not get that? I cant sleep or eat. He says he loves me and wants me to move on and be 'happy'. He is still seeing the other girl (who is 30 and is a co-worker)...even though he verbalized and texted saying he wasn't.

I'm still deeply in love with this man. I want to work it out but he says NO! I'm trying to keep myself busy but i find myself wondering what he's doing and if the 'girl' is in my home (he says she isnt but ya, well he's lied before so...)

I'm so lost....just want to sleep and not wake up. My friends get mad at me for saying that but it's my honest feeling (no I'm not going to do it....just want the pain to stop). I know it's all 'new' and yes I hear everyone when they say the pain will go away in time.

I keep waiting for a call/text saying come home....I am in therapy right now and I have good days and bad...the nights are the worst because i have nobody.

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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.

Why did you allow him to kick you out of your own home? By you just accepting him kicking you out, you are helping him stay in the affair. He now has the house and the OW. What did he lose? Nothing. He has not even lost you because you are just sitting around waiting for him come back to you. Lucky him. He has the house, a younger woman and you as his backup plan.

Your husband has to suffer the pain have facing the read world over his affair and the bad way he is treating you.

If you want to get your husband back you need to not let him walk all over you.

First off you need to get back into your home to live here. It is still your legal residence. So when he's at work, either go break into a window and change the locks. (or call a lock smith have the lock smith change the locks. You will need to prove to the lock smith that it's your legal residence. Just get some of your mail and your driver's license with that address on it.) When he gets home, give him a new key. And tell him that if wants to have an affair, he is the one who needs to leave.

If he gives our grief, or tries to kick you out again, dial 911. The police will come and tell him to cut it out.

Is this other woman married?

Last edited by EleGirl; 04-15-2017 at 02:43 PM.
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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

queenmary


I saw your post on another thread. You mention the book "His Needs, Her Needs".

My suggestion is that you first read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Then, after that there are two books that would help you:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Read them in the order I've talked about there here. They are all writen by Dr. Harley and go together. The first one, SA, will tell you what to do to try to get your husband to work on reconciliation with you. Only after that can you work on the next two books.

Then you read "Love Busters". This book is about stopping the things that each of you do that kills your love for each other.

Then, once you have stopped the love busters, you read "His Needs, Her Needs". This books is about rebuilding passionate love. You can only rebuild love after the affair is over and after you both stop the love busters.
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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

QM - I am so sorry that you are here.

The way I see it, you have two options. There are many possible outcomes, but those will come later and are not under your control right now. In terms of courses of action - you can step back quietly and fade into the woodwork, like your husband wants you to do; or you can fight for the life that is yours by right. I'm not talking about getting your husband back. I'm talking about the home and the peace of mind that was yours.

It does seem to me that you are suffering from a crippling depression right now and that you should see a medical professional about that. I would also recommend seeing a counselling therapist if that is possible. Do you have family or feinds that can offer you emotional support right now? I don't normally agree with making decisions in the grip of strong emotions, but I think that what you need to do right now is to get angry. Furiously livid. Your husband had an affair and then treated you like an unwanted pet that he dropped off in the woods, hoping it would stay there.

What is your financial situation? Where are you staying at the moment? Can you see an attorney to understand what your rights are? As Elegirl says, having you locked out of your marital home is illegal if it also your legal residence. If you know who the affair partner is, can you start making her and your husband's affair as uncomfortable in real life as it should be on their consciences? If she is a co-worker, what is the company policy on workplace relationships? Is she married and if so, does her husband know about the affair? There are many possible actions that you can take to strengthen your own position. But getting back into your own home should be a high priority.

You need to start fighting for yourself. You have been waiting and hoping that the man who you thought had your safety and best interests at heart would come back and save you. He isn't going to. The only one who can save you right now is you. My thoughts are with you.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.

Last edited by Mizzbak; 04-15-2017 at 03:07 PM.
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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

See an attorney.

Make sure HE pays for this.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 04-16-2017 at 12:41 PM.
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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

@queenmary

Are you okay financially? Do you have a place to stay if it is unbearable to be at your marital home. I mean, what if his girlfriend is living there right now?

Are you able to maintain/run your car, get groceries, pay bills on your own?

Any sympathetic family to help and support you; at least temporarily?

I agree with everyone who says that he has no right to kick you out of the house. If he won't leave; and the conditions there are emotionally destroying, then I was just hoping you have a back-up plan.
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Sorry to hear that but the truth is once romantic love is gone, it cannot be willed into or out of existence. Your husband has lost it and cannot just think it to return. You still have it and cannot think it away. Your therapist probably told you this but you cannot let your happiness depend on another. It think the term is co-dependency. Many married people view themselves as half of a couple with no "Me" identity.

Love is a chemical reaction in your brain and no on really knows why are genes make us attracted to one person and not the other. You cannot look at a guy and tell yourself that you want to be attracted to him. We have no control over it. You need to let go and build a new life based on you and not as half of a couple. The other problem you are running into is that new love is always more exciting then old love. There are several types of love and your husband is experiencing new love. That is the type of love that makes you want to spend all of your time with your lover, not see their faults and even gives you rushes of pleasure just thinking about them. Everything they say is fascinating and your existing relationships fall by the wayside.

My wife and I were polyamorous for most of or marriage. We understand the dangers and problems of falling in love with a new person while you are already in love with someone else. It is sometimes difficult to manage more than one relationship due to it being stressful, logistically difficult and emotionally draining trying to make each lover not be jealous of the other. The bad news for you is that those psychologist report that the majority of people pick one relationship over the other to alleviate the stress and, in the case of cheating, the guilt, lying and deceiving.

I have posted this many times, the problem with monogamy is that it is not natural as we are genetically designed to be attracted to and want to, have sex with others. It is a construct of society and religion, to both control and bring order to the world. What better way to control people than through sex, their primal urge in life. Monogamy forces you to discard your old lover, the one you built a long life with, if you want to also love another. You and me and everyone else entered into marriage knowing that we had a 50/50 chance of failure. We all also thought that we would never divorce. Love is so strong a feeling that it allows us to enter into a lifelong contract whose longevity depends on the toss of a coin. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. The problem is when one still loves and the other does not.

When my first fiancee of 5 years cheated on me, saying the same thing about still loving me and all that, the only way I got over her was to find a new love. I did, and that did the trick for me. The difference with me is that I am very self reliant. One of the benefits of our poly former life is that we each view ourselves as individuals and not half of a couple. We are each a whole and not a part. My heart goes out to you but the sooner you realize that no matter what you do, nothing will change, the sooner you can move on with your life. Some still in love transfer those feelings to the departed spouse and cannot understand why they will not try to make the marriage work. You cannot make him love you again. Even if he returns out of guilt, the same problems that existed before will still exists. In fact, your life will be worse because you will forever be suspicious of him. You will accuse him of cheating. You will bring up his cheating every time you have a big fight. You will never regain the level of trust in him that you once had. In short, your marriage will never ever go back to the way it used to be so thinking so is not realistic as painful as it may be.

Sorry, but you can end up like my cousin who never got over her cheating husband and ended up never loving again or be like my sister who divorced her cheating husband and built a new and better life with a new boyfriend when she was 55 years old. Choose a new and better life. It really can be yours.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.

Why did you allow him to kick you out of your own home? By you just accepting him kicking you out, you are helping him stay in the affair. He now has the house and the OW. What did he lose? Nothing. He has not even lost you because you are just sitting around waiting for him come back to you. Lucky him. He has the house, a younger woman and you as his backup plan.

Your husband has to suffer the pain have facing the read world over his affair and the bad way he is treating you.

If you want to get your husband back you need to not let him walk all over you.

First off you need to get back into your home to live here. It is still your legal residence. So when he's at work, either go break into a window and change the locks. (or call a lock smith have the lock smith change the locks. You will need to prove to the lock smith that it's your legal residence. Just get some of your mail and your driver's license with that address on it.) When he gets home, give him a new key. And tell him that if wants to have an affair, he is the one who needs to leave.

If he gives our grief, or tries to kick you out again, dial 911. The police will come and tell him to cut it out.

Is this other woman married?



^^^THIS^^^


OP I have been exactly where you are, I was married for almost 25 years when I found out my now Ex was having an affair with a 29 year old gold digging subordinate at work. I can sympathize with how you are feeling, I'm so sorry this is happening.

I know you want him back and you want to save your marriage, this may be possible but not while the affair is active. You need to stop playing nice with him and do a hard 180 (google the 180 affaircare.com has a page detailing it). Have you exposed the affair and the OW?

When I was in your shoes I was a hot mess but I got my stuff together and went to see every good divorce lawyer in my area. I didn't tell my Ex anything, I kept him in completely in the dark. I kicked him out and stopped speaking to him except via e-mail or text (answered very slowly and only if it was $ related). After being caught and denying the whole thing, they were "just friends" of course...He wanted to reconcile, but after giving myself time to think about what life would be like with a cheater for a spouse I filed (surprised him at work). It gets better! I am very happy with my decision, my Ex is alone and still wants to reconcile. I sold the house which I was awarded in the divorce and bought a beautiful new home that is exactly what I wanted. I'm so much happier than I could have imagined. Yes I am just as happy as I was when my marriage was "good". This is not the end of the world, it might feel like it right now...But it will get better.
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

QM - I see that you are already in therapy (sorry, I missed that). How many sessions have you had and do you feel as though you are getting clarity on how you should proceed?

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

I'm so sorry to read this. I don't understand how you can be kicked out of your own home?

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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.

Why did you allow him to kick you out of your own home? By you just accepting him kicking you out, you are helping him stay in the affair. He now has the house and the OW. What did he lose? Nothing. He has not even lost you because you are just sitting around waiting for him come back to you. Lucky him. He has the house, a younger woman and you as his backup plan.

Your husband has to suffer the pain have facing the read world over his affair and the bad way he is treating you.

If you want to get your husband back you need to not let him walk all over you.

First off you need to get back into your home to live here. It is still your legal residence. So when he's at work, either go break into a window and change the locks. (or call a lock smith have the lock smith change the locks. You will need to prove to the lock smith that it's your legal residence. Just get some of your mail and your driver's license with that address on it.) When he gets home, give him a new key. And tell him that if wants to have an affair, he is the one who needs to leave.

If he gives our grief, or tries to kick you out again, dial 911. The police will come and tell him to cut it out.

Is this other woman married?
Thank you @EleGirl for your very insightful post.

Sorry QM that your marriage is yet another casualty of infidelity. Your long term marriage is now gone, and your WS killed it in the worst way. He is done with you. You need to be done with him too.

See a lawyer, continue counseling for just you, get back in your home ASAP.

Hopefully you are on medication by now because you are going to need it. Your WS is among the few that are just to abominable to even think they are the same loving spouse you lived with for 25 years. He is not that man. That loving husband has been replaced by this terrible cheater that doesn't care about you. He is too consumed with himself. Very selfish and very destructive new him.

The guilt you think he feels is a lie. How can he feel guilt when it is not him that is suffering living away from his home, dumped, replaced, and thrown away like yesterdays trash?

If he felt guilty, he would not have you thrown out and wanting you to move on. He wants you to be happy so that he doesn't look like the bad guy he knows deep down that he is.

Expose him and expose the OW. Let everyone know what type of scum he has now become together with a lowlife OW who comes between a couple married for 25 years! She is way below your standards which is why she is with him now.

What honorable man throws his wife of 25 years to the curb and locks her out of her own home? No one will see it as OK either. You need that kind of exposure to get help in him seeing that there are consequences to his underhanded actions. He has betrayed you and treated you terribly through no fault of your own. Seek compensation through monetary means. What he did has no price that he can ever pay. He is a terrible person for you right now and probably for ever.

Toxic people need to be as far away as possible from the people their toxicity harms terribly. That is what he is to you now.

I'm sorry, but the sooner you realize that he is not who he used to be, the sooner you can heal from this terrible blow.

Find that anger that needs to come sooner than later. It will propel you to move forward and find the best life you can live without his dead weight in the picture.

Your loving husband of 25 years is dead, sadly, never to return. Mourn your loss and free yourself of this monster that has replaced him.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

Last edited by Bibi1031; 04-15-2017 at 06:27 PM.
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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

@queenmary

How are you doing today? Hope you are still reading here.
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

@queenmary

How are you doing today? Hope you are still reading here.
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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

Thanks EleGirl.

I am still here...was just out and about today keeping busy. I gained a lot of clarity today and him and I have agreed to meet tomorrow. I have decided to tell him that I'm moving back to OUR house and he can move out and then we can attempt some sort of reconciliation with professional help. Yes I am in counseling and have spoken to my Dr about depression. Hesitant to start taking depression meds...I have a follow up visit next week to see if things changed and if we both feel they are necessary.

While I appreciate your candor, I'm having a hard time with some of your responses as I'm still in love with this person so it really doesn't do anyone any good to 'bash' him at this point. Maybe at a later time but bashing him doesn't help anyone who is trying to heal themselves.

I completely understand that what he did was illegal and yes I am taking steps to get all of my legal rights. Sorry if my original post was misleading as I'm not just going to wither into the woods. I am a strong person who's just kind of lost right now. Was really looking for some help/insight for me (not him).

thanks again.
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post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband of 25 years cheated

thanks for your words....again I'm having a hard time with the harshness of some of the responses. I'm seeking help for myself. I understand everything you are saying (trust me).
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