masque9

Arranged: July 2010
Engaged: Aug 2010
Married: Feb 2011
Baby Girl: Dec 2011

Wife's contact with old bf's:

Before July 2010 (that she told me)
------------------------
Nov 2009
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010

After July 2010 (Getting arranged)
---------------------
Aug 2010
Sept 2010
Nov 2010
Dec 2010
---------------------
After getting pregnant
-------------------------------
May 2011
Jun 2011
July 2011

please understand my emotional state. Thanks.

My wife told me that she approached the other guy to marry her a day before our engagement to marry her and he denied saying it was too late. They did not move forward because of societal pressure, my wifes brother not being comfortable about that guy. Before that (july 2010) she was also chatting and talking to two other guys, it was mostly flirtatious. She was on the lookout for good guys for 2-3 years before our marriage.

I talked to her at the end of July 2011. She was furious and shouting and didn't want to tell anything, she tried to lie in all kind of ways and revealed all the truths slowly as I mentioned what I had read in her chats. In one of the chats - Jun 2011 she wrote:- (to the other guy )

"I DON'T HAVE THOSE FEELINGS FOR ANYONE NOW"

The other guy seemed to tell her to stay true to the marriage.
Since ours was an arranged marriage, I didn't get to know her much, she's very crafty and hides things from me. I contacted the two of her old bf's and asked and they denied any physical contact. I have seen "I Love U" messages to them from my wife. SHE has been very slow and unwilling of telling the truth about her past. I had to beg her for days during the pregnancy to tell the truth and speak it all. She forced me to show messages before telling the truth. She tries to bring to fault my mother, sister and sister-in-law, they have been in contact for only 8 days and we live separately.

NOW:
I can't trust her, she keeps saying that she'll not contact them ever and it was the biggest mistake of her life. Asks me to get over it. She has never been very open about talking about this. I feel like talking more about the subject and ask her about every line of chat and every relationship she's had.. to be able to develop trust. At home with a baby 1 month old today ....not sure how should I proceed and heal my feelings and develop a strong bond, getting away isn't an option...please help me with tips and your take on the entire issue.

I do masturbate and watch porn to rest my sexual tension, we've had sex 5-10 times in the last 9 months. She doesn't seem to very interested or sexually attracted to me. I'm the one who always initiates. May be its a phase of time and things will sort out. Please be kind to leave your thoughts and share experiences.

I'll check and reply within 6hrs.
We've had some good sex and happy times, she now doesn't want to talk about it, and say's she's over it.

FourtyPlus

If arranged marriage means indeed that you talk for a few days, get married and fall in love later..........I'm sorry but I don't see how you can expect anything out of that. I couldn't imagine having to marry someone I'm not in love with, being expected to share a bed and myself with someone I don't love. I would try to get out of it as fast as possible. I understand this isn't going to be very helpful to you but maybe your wife doesn't really want to be married to you because she doesn't love you.

masque9

Thanks, you are right, this appears to be the case, she has told me that she likes some of my habits and dislikes several others.

Getting out is not an option as we have a baby now and the societal pressure, both of us want to make it work, we or atleast I'm trying to understand what makes her happy..

calif_hope

I was told once by an Indian friend that it takes a decade of shared memories of raising children and family life for most arranged married couples to form a deep and lasting bond...........he even admited that their is often infadelity of the heart / body on both sides (love / lust attractions).....during the 10 years......lots of mature acceptance and embracement of society norms to survive.

Said, that it is difficult for those in the UK or US or other western country to hold to the customs of marriage....society pressure lessons, outside influences and acceptance, and safety nets.

You to need to do a lot of talking and come to an understanding.....you cannot force love and attraction.

masque9

great advice, thank you.

should I talk to her about the past boyfriends? and the guy she loved (she has accepted). She also says that the guy had bad things about him, she loved him, but not anymore, now she's out and want to be out of it.

I felt that she should have told me about it and be open. I'm deeply hurt that she didn't tell me about it. I give her a lot of space and allow her do whatever she likes. Recently I've blocked her facebook and she's okay with it !

"you cannot force love and attraction" very true but how can I develop it and not hamper and go the right direction. Some NOT todo's or any help would be of great help.

calif_hope

I am not from your culture...but I think that you both have to put away your hurts and fears and talk to each other.......give each other the ability to share things without the fear of anger in coming clean about the past......

Establish the expectation of openess from this point forward, but it has to be safe for both of you to be open....you may have to hold you immediate reaction, come to terms, then respond. She as well as you have to fell safe when you share.

Talk to each other about hopes, dreams, goals, and EXPECTATIONS.....simply get to know each other.

Masque 9.........I suggest that you court and seduce your wife, courting to create a love bond, seducing to get her to want the life you both can create for each other and your children. And Masque 9, never stop courting your wife!

FourtyPlus

I can't wrap my head around a concept like that. I apologize and I don't mean to offend but I would be unhappy beyond belief having to be married to, conceive and raise a child with someone I'm not in love with.

masque9

Well, we did talk and have a good time when engaged and "I'm in LOVE" with her, she's had a past, physical or non physical I don't care, the thing is I want to move forward and get somehelp to move forward. She's understanding, but immature and crafty, hides her feelings, also I'm not that courteous to women, so I need to improve too. The culture you see here is different and hard to digest, but it works and I've to make it work in this case also.

masque9

Thanks again, that's a weakness of mine, I'm a somewhat of a thrifty guy, may be it's too much to ask, but some examples of courting or being courteous would be helpful. I'm trying to look at other places from the pointers you gave..

calif_hope

LOL......FourtyPlus, some people can't wrap their heads around the idea of looking for a spouse in bars or on the internet.....but some people says it works......

calif_hope

OK Masque9....the following is being typed by my significant other - my soon to be wife....she does not have an account.


1. You don't need money, just get creative, look to the poets.
2. Treat her like she is your Queen but don't let her walk all over you.
3. Take the lead, be a MAN as your culture dictates - but don't become a disrespectful dictator.
4. Tell her you love her, that she is beautiful and mean it...every day
5. When you walk by her, touch her, small soft glances.
6. Even if it is common in your culture.....she is your wife, not your slave....help around the house, don't make her serve you, let her walk beside you not behind you......you are not her king, you are her life partner, remember that.
7. Love her

FourtyPlus

Yeah but you know what they say about people you pick up at a bar....they're great fun but you don't take them home to meet the parents at Sunday night dinner.

Masque, be the man she wants to be with. If she likes romantic dinners, either cook her something good and light some candles or arrange for a baby sitter and take her out for dinner. Kind of like dating, you know? Make efforts to get to know her, what does she like, what are her thoughts. If you show genuine interest in her, she will eventually open up. Give her flowers, give gifts and they don't need to be expensive. Most importantly, help out with the baby! Whatever help she needs, be there for her! Something as little as a hug and a good word like "You are doing a great job being a Mom!" can mean the world! And never ever stop showing an interest in her thoughts, opinions and likes.

masque9

It seems to me that you somehow think I try to boss her. I DONT.
The time when I read those chats in July 2011 saying that she loved this other guy and he reciprocated. I would make breakfast and keep it next to her and leave for office. After office I would do the dishes.
At that time:- After her breakfast she would talk to this ex-lover / boyfriend and then behave with me in absurd fashion and blame me for reading chats and say lies that she never had anything with anyone it was just a friendly text and chat.

I had to show her each and every chat to open her up. Later after a month or more she opened a bit and explained and told things that were not in the chat. I'm still not sure if it was physical or not, although from there level of talk it seems that it was physical, she says otherwise, in my mind its a 50-50.

I feel like threatening her to tell everything to her parents etc. if she broke the promise again. My mind is all messed up, I love her, but I'm hurt and don't know how should I leave all this mess that she has created in my life: BEHIND.

Your pointers are good, will try to work on those.

masque9

Will definitely say this line :P
But somehow, why do you feel that the mistake is all mine, why does she deserve all this good treatment and I eat up all my anger?

FourtyPlus

I can only answer this from a westerners point of view: Your wife might not be in love with you but you are in love with her, right? So the two of you are starting off on different levels. I imagine you are looking to win her love and that's going to take work.
You might have expected that she is going to submit into the arranged marriage and switch off feelings she might have had for someone else or kiss good bye the hope of a marriage for love and love only.
Again, from my point of view I don't understand why you would be angry. Like someone posted before and as you have also said, in an arranged marriage love comes much later if it comes at all.