I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 38Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:17 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

I agree we really can savage what we have with counseling but he says "he doesn't want another person knowing our business" He is very private. N believe we should stay together and let time play out. I believe that I am codependent and I have been going to counseling by myself now to try to figure out how can I love someone so much but often times not like him. Thank you!

Tameka is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:46 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Not that it was okay just that I did. It was wrong I know but I do feel like you have to listen to your spouse and try your best to meet their needs. N no one is prefect. Often times ppl like to say what they would never do but when put in thee situation emotions are involved its not so black and white.
Tameka is offline  
post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Hi I have spoken to him in past about this and he swiftly dismissed that idea. He for one want even admit the hotel rooms was for him. secondly, says I should not have ever felt rejected bc he was tired and I am needed and may possibly need to grow up. He doesn't accept that this is a 50/50 fail. He feels after 15 years of being together we should accept each other faults and deal with them. If it was a problem it should have been addressed along time ago. But I feel we are forever evolving and despite the length of the relationship you two have to work together. I am seeking counseling bc I admit his dismissal of my needs make me so angry especially when he talks so cocky to me. It makes me want to hurt his feelings. But in the end we are both hurt.
Tameka is offline  
 
post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Yes I agree that he was neglecting me physically and emotionally and I know seeking someone else is not the answer. At the time I always feel like if I can supplement my needs then me and H can still get to forever. I know often times as a defense mechanism he talks mean or cocky bc he may not be happy with sexual performance as well. But also think he lazy and a selfish lover this all mad me so anger at him at times. I am now getting counseling bc I don't want to hurt anyone else like this again.
Tameka is offline  
post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:05 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

He won't consider separation bc of our kids. They are very vocal about divorce and living under the same roof.
Tameka is offline  
post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Tameka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

I have stopped the affair and must admit with my husband being so cold and mean it has increased my feelings of being lonely and unhappy again. I told myself I will remove the other party, seek IC and see how I feel after that. Its really hard bc neither want a divorce.
Tameka is offline  
post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,939
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
I have stopped the affair and must admit with my husband being so cold and mean it has increased my feelings of being lonely and unhappy again. I told myself I will remove the other party, seek IC and see how I feel after that. Its really hard bc neither want a divorce.
Of course he is cold and mean and his emotions run hot to cold, be cause he is still angry, and frankly if was the other way around you would be too....honestly i think he is worried that once again he takes you back and just waiting for the next time....its not like this is a first or even a second, each time you have crossed that line further and further....you seriously have ownership issue, and you have a self -esteem issue....if you can't fix this then you need to move on. Yeah i get it it he is not giving you the attention and sex you need, if it is that big an issue, then just waiting until the kids are old enough is not going to work in the long term...something else will happen. As the kids get older, and you get a job where there are male co-workers that will give you the attention you will more likely than not you will cheat again. Assume your husband is never going to change.
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:18 AM
Member
 
Decorum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 2,016
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
YOur H has been neglecting you physically and emotionally, that sort of neglect can cause all sorts of problems. You chose o handle it the wrong way and I suspect he has also cheated on you.
It does appear that your WH does not know how to stop neglecting you, you both should consider individual counselling then MC. However, with all the damage that has been done by both of you, it may well be that there is no coming back from it.
Why did you turn to other men, don't you have female friends you can confide in?

I know all about neglect in a marriage but that does not entitle you to turn to someone else. You have to work through why you think it is.
7- 9 years into a marriage is often the time when things go awry, the spark is lost, the responsibilities increase.
I would suggest you get your own IC to work through your emotions, leave your marriage out of it for a while. Marriage is not about what you can get out of it, its about what you can bring to it, maybe if your changed your focus, the dynamic would change.
Tameka,

Many men don't realize how bad the pain of neglect and rejection is for a woman. It is a passive form of abuse, that inflicts significant long term suffering and damage.

It rivals the pain of infidelity, and having a "get over it" attitude in either case is cruel and unfeeling.

Having said that you did inflict just as painful a wound to your husband and marriage.

There is a disturbing lack of sympathy on both sides now.

I also think he cheated.

He considers you a possession, a "toy". Which means you are an object to him.

If you want to save this, you have to go at this unrelentingly!!

By that I mean restoring sympathy to your relationship. You cannot compromise or accept anything less here.

IC and MC are a must.

I dont think he will change, but there is NO reason you should accept this.

You took actions for yourself (by cheating) that were destructive, put that same determination into insisting your marriage becomes a mutually sympathetic and caring one, or end it and move on.

For goodness sake stop defaulting to cheating, when a relationship you are in goes south.

You are not a toy, have some respect and don't accept someone, anyone treating you that way.

I really wish you both well.

Take care.

Last edited by Decorum; 04-17-2017 at 09:24 AM.
Decorum is online now  
post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:39 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,606
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
Not that it was okay just that I did. It was wrong I know but I do feel like you have to listen to your spouse and try your best to meet their needs. N no one is prefect. Often times ppl like to say what they would never do but when put in thee situation emotions are involved its not so black and white.
And how did you do that when you cheated? Were you listening to him and meeting his needs? For instance his need to have safety in his relationship with you? His need to have honesty?
sokillme is online now  
post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,606
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
Yes I agree that he was neglecting me physically and emotionally and I know seeking someone else is not the answer. At the time I always feel like if I can supplement my needs then me and H can still get to forever. I know often times as a defense mechanism he talks mean or cocky bc he may not be happy with sexual performance as well. But also think he lazy and a selfish lover this all mad me so anger at him at times. I am now getting counseling bc I don't want to hurt anyone else like this again.
Exactly why don't you just do the honorable thing and divorce him since he sounds awful?

sokillme is online now  
post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:45 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,606
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
I dont think he will change, but there is NO reason you should accept this.
Why should he accept it? She has cheated on him 3 times. Personally I think this man has detached from his repeatedly unfaithful wife, probably as a coping mechanism.
sokillme is online now  
post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
EllaSuaveterre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 512
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Yikes!
.................................................. .................................................. ...................
I know you like quaint dinners.
I know you like romance.

I never realized you liked spicy meat loaf?
.................................................. .................................................. ....................
On scrambled eggs:
Did you change recipes?


Going from Plain....to Western Omelet.
I'm not polyamorous myself, but I recognize that it's a valid way to have relationships. I've known a few polyamorous people and they're very happy with their partners.

EllaSuaveterre is offline  
post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:32 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,190
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

I bet he wishes he was the broke one at 18 years old now.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,401
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

You cheated, he cheated, no point keeping score. You can't affect whats in your past light cone - only whats in your future.

Do you want to stay together? If so why?

It sounds like you didn't have a great sex life together so the temptation to cheat will always be there, and you will likely cheat again. (even if you really believe that you won't).

You two can agree to stay together and fix your sex life to make it great for both.

You two can agree to stay together but have an open marriage where each can find sex somewhere else when they want.

You can divorce and find better matched partners.

You can stay together and pretend that you won't cheat, but in reality you probably will again, and just be back where you are now.
uhtred is offline  
post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:05 PM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 593
Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
I have stopped the affair and must admit with my husband being so cold and mean it has increased my feelings of being lonely and unhappy again. I told myself I will remove the other party, seek IC and see how I feel after that. Its really hard bc neither want a divorce.
Rather than going to some therapist in an attempt to figure out how to IGNORE your natural biological needs and desires, why don't you just face the fact that this marriage isn't working? You've got a rotten husband who has done nothing but treat you like a piece of furniture and tell you that you're just an old toy that he's bored with. Hey, at least he was honest but that's the reality of your situation.

Your FIRST mistake was marrying so young. Neither one of you had much time to get out there, spread your wings, date other people, have romances, get broken hearts, and do what young people DO. You both totally missed an entire rite of passage into young adulthood by getting married way too early.

Well, THAT'S a big reason you're both so damned miserable now. And that's why you keep seeking out others. What worked 10 years ago when you were teenagers with stars in your eyes doesn't work anymore. As it happens in most marriages with people who are too young, you continue growing as you get older - and mostly, you grow apart.

You don't NEED his permission to separate or divorce if you live in the US. Secondly, why don't you use this time WISELY and get an education/career so you're not dependent on men? I'm getting the impression that you stay with this guy because he provides for you and you even mentioned at one point that your one boyfriend was broke so you went with your now husband. Stop basing every decision you make on your need for a man to support you. You'd have SO many more options if you weren't dependent on men.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome