I am so confused and if I don't pull myself together I am afraid I will look up and had lost everything. I have been married for 9 years and for the most part its been ups and downs the downs have been pretty low but the highs are irreplaceable. We have 3 children that we both love so much but from the start as far back as I can remember sex has always been about pleasing my husband. As a young girl my needs were pretty simple. He paid the bills, provided and I would take care of him and the home. We were best friends we were happiest at that time. We met fairly young 17 and 18 and I had a boyfriend but my now husband was so persistent in pursuing a relationship and was the better option as far as my future went so I left my boyfriend (that I was in love with but he was broke) and started dating him.
My first indiscretion came after 3 years of marriage when I started feeling lonely. He felt as though he settle down to fast (even though he rushed our relationship) and started hanging out more with his friends and leaving me and the kids at home. We talked about it for a while but my husband is very stubborn so after a while I felt helpless an started having a long distance relationship with an old friend. Soon after he found out and made me end the correspondences and we just kinda moved on. No sex was involved in this occurrence. The second indiscretion came 3 years later. We went through a cold phase, not much talking or communicating. He said he knew he was neglecting me. Around that time I began to express my unhappiness with sex and him not taking me out anymore. He explained to me that he was who he was and maybe I needed a boyfriend. So yes I did (I shouldn't have but I did) we dated, no sex but he would give me gifts, do lunch and talk on the phone. My husband found out bc the guy sent a video of us laughing with the caption we don't have to be intimate to have a bond. My husband blew up and was devastated, crying in disbelief. After that he swore to me tht he would be a better husband to me. We began to date weekly, and take the kids out weekly. He began to surprise me with big gifts and I was good to him. 3 years later he started a new job that required a lot of hours. He would come home exhausted daily to the point he would tell me he doesn't want to hear my voice. I told him that I'm not happy with our sex life and I think it should be more about the both of us and it got worse sex went from 15 minutes to 2 minutes. It went from 2 play to no play. He just would not compromise and I found myself feeling hopeless again. He explained that I'm like an old toy. You love your old toy and your want your old toy with you forever but you don't always play with your old toy. It wont excite you the same as a new toy. For a while I took the "Im so tired' but then I found a hotel receipt with his name on and his credit care. He swear he brought the room for a friend but I look through his phone and he search hotels several times. So when I got fed up it was easy to say f*** it. I have tried to explain tht I felt rejected, unwanted and unloved so I connected with my first love (yes the man I left for him 15 years ago) it was easy bc we didn't feel like strangers to each other. We both were afraid of being seen in public so we met at each other houses (big mistake) my husband found a deleted video of us having sex in both of our homes. My husband decided to stay with me but its been an emotional rollercoaster for us. Some days he wants to love me and other days he hates me. He admits he wasn't having sex with me but he says so what you still shouldn't have had sex with someone else. Especially, since he was only tired bc he was working. I know I had other options eg church, therapist even separation but I didn't want to lose "our good times" we have a family and have built so much. I now feel like maybe I should just forget about sex accept my marriage on his terms and be happy with it. The other side of me says why do I have to give up romance, chemistry and being desired. We often get into big fighter because he said I should have waited for him not to be tired one day and I say he turned his back on me emotionally. Its way more to being a husband than money. I am inclined to defend myself am I a dirt bag??? I really was hurting and now we both are.
YOur H has been neglecting you physically and emotionally, that sort of neglect can cause all sorts of problems. You chose o handle it the wrong way and I suspect he has also cheated on you.
It does appear that your WH does not know how to stop neglecting you, you both should consider individual counselling then MC. However, with all the damage that has been done by both of you, it may well be that there is no coming back from it.
Why did you turn to other men, don't you have female friends you can confide in?
I know all about neglect in a marriage but that does not entitle you to turn to someone else. You have to work through why you think it is.
7- 9 years into a marriage is often the time when things go awry, the spark is lost, the responsibilities increase.
I would suggest you get your own IC to work through your emotions, leave your marriage out of it for a while. Marriage is not about what you can get out of it, its about what you can bring to it, maybe if your changed your focus, the dynamic would change.