I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

I am so confused and if I don't pull myself together I am afraid I will look up and had lost everything. I have been married for 9 years and for the most part its been ups and downs the downs have been pretty low but the highs are irreplaceable. We have 3 children that we both love so much but from the start as far back as I can remember sex has always been about pleasing my husband. As a young girl my needs were pretty simple. He paid the bills, provided and I would take care of him and the home. We were best friends we were happiest at that time. We met fairly young 17 and 18 and I had a boyfriend but my now husband was so persistent in pursuing a relationship and was the better option as far as my future went so I left my boyfriend (that I was in love with but he was broke) and started dating him.

My first indiscretion came after 3 years of marriage when I started feeling lonely. He felt as though he settle down to fast (even though he rushed our relationship) and started hanging out more with his friends and leaving me and the kids at home. We talked about it for a while but my husband is very stubborn so after a while I felt helpless an started having a long distance relationship with an old friend. Soon after he found out and made me end the correspondences and we just kinda moved on. No sex was involved in this occurrence. The second indiscretion came 3 years later. We went through a cold phase, not much talking or communicating. He said he knew he was neglecting me. Around that time I began to express my unhappiness with sex and him not taking me out anymore. He explained to me that he was who he was and maybe I needed a boyfriend. So yes I did (I shouldn't have but I did) we dated, no sex but he would give me gifts, do lunch and talk on the phone. My husband found out bc the guy sent a video of us laughing with the caption we don't have to be intimate to have a bond. My husband blew up and was devastated, crying in disbelief. After that he swore to me tht he would be a better husband to me. We began to date weekly, and take the kids out weekly. He began to surprise me with big gifts and I was good to him. 3 years later he started a new job that required a lot of hours. He would come home exhausted daily to the point he would tell me he doesn't want to hear my voice. I told him that I'm not happy with our sex life and I think it should be more about the both of us and it got worse sex went from 15 minutes to 2 minutes. It went from 2 play to no play. He just would not compromise and I found myself feeling hopeless again. He explained that I'm like an old toy. You love your old toy and your want your old toy with you forever but you don't always play with your old toy. It wont excite you the same as a new toy. For a while I took the "Im so tired' but then I found a hotel receipt with his name on and his credit care. He swear he brought the room for a friend but I look through his phone and he search hotels several times. So when I got fed up it was easy to say f*** it. I have tried to explain tht I felt rejected, unwanted and unloved so I connected with my first love (yes the man I left for him 15 years ago) it was easy bc we didn't feel like strangers to each other. We both were afraid of being seen in public so we met at each other houses (big mistake) my husband found a deleted video of us having sex in both of our homes. My husband decided to stay with me but its been an emotional rollercoaster for us. Some days he wants to love me and other days he hates me. He admits he wasn't having sex with me but he says so what you still shouldn't have had sex with someone else. Especially, since he was only tired bc he was working. I know I had other options eg church, therapist even separation but I didn't want to lose "our good times" we have a family and have built so much. I now feel like maybe I should just forget about sex accept my marriage on his terms and be happy with it. The other side of me says why do I have to give up romance, chemistry and being desired. We often get into big fighter because he said I should have waited for him not to be tired one day and I say he turned his back on me emotionally. Its way more to being a husband than money. I am inclined to defend myself am I a dirt bag??? I really was hurting and now we both are.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:14 PM
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Cool Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

You are not a dirt bag and neither is he!

Having said that, my first impulse is to say that the two of you appear to be in rather dire need of intensive marriage counseling!

If for some reason that cannot, in any way, be accomplished, then sadly, separation and divorce might be your only available option!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

So your saying because he neglected you it was ok to cheat?

Then yes your a dirt bag!
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Hi there, dollface. Seems he's had a revenge affair. I'm so sorry you're in that position. What you did to him doesn't make it right to do the same to you. If you've both cheated on each other I'd say there's really no hope. Your husband knows the pain of being cheated on, and yet he did it to you. If he is willing to hurt you like that, KNOWING how much that would hurt you, you have every right to leave him.

Or, alternatively, you could have a very deep, very frank, and in-depth discussion about consensual nonmonogamy. You could stay together and be the other's "primary" relationship while you both fall in love, have sex, etc. on the side with each other's full knowledge and consent. The only caveat there would be that last part. You would need to discuss discuss everything you want to do, everyone you want to be with, every type of relationship you could possibly have. So many things would have to be discussed in thorough detail. Anonymous sex only? Friends with benefits? Romantic/love relationship? With the opposite gender? With the same gender? With just one other person or many? Will any or all of the relationships be BDSM/kinky? Will you go to swinging parties? How will you deal with jealousy? What if one of you loves one of your paramours more than your spouse? etc etc etc ad infinitum. It would be imperative to have healthy and nondestructive conversations constantly, so if I were you, I'd get into marriage counseling to learn how to do that LONG before you consider polyamory.


Last edited by EllaSuaveterre; 04-16-2017 at 11:57 PM.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
Hi there, dollface. Seems he's had a revenge affair. I'm so sorry you're in that position. What you did to him doesn't make it right to do the same to you. If you've both cheated on each other I'd say there's really no hope. Your husband knows the pain of being cheated on, and yet he did it to you. If he is willing to hurt you like that, KNOWING how much that would hurt you, you have every right to leave him.
Seems like a double standard to me. But thats just me!
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Seems like a double standard to me. But thats just me!
Nonsense. If it were her husband posting here I'd say the very same thing. He's wrong for cheating on her. She's wrong for cheating on him. He has every right to leave her, too. And really, he should have left her rather than cheated. But when someone comes to a forum for help, the last thing they need is judgment. I try not to make statements about a cheater's character or morals

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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:06 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Nonsense. If it were her husband posting here I'd say the very same thing. He's wrong for cheating on her. She's wrong for cheating on him. He has every right to leave her, too. And really, he should have left her rather than cheated. But when someone comes to a forum for help, the last thing they need is judgment. I try not to make statements about a cheater's character or morals
Depends if their judgement is poor then sometime pointing it out is helpful.

Instead of rainbows and unicorns a healthy dose of reality might be useful.

Really don't want to spar with you our views to to far apart
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:23 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
I am so confused and if I don't pull myself together I am afraid I will look up and had lost everything. I have been married for 9 years and for the most part its been ups and downs the downs have been pretty low but the highs are irreplaceable. We have 3 children that we both love so much but from the start as far back as I can remember sex has always been about pleasing my husband. As a young girl my needs were pretty simple. He paid the bills, provided and I would take care of him and the home. We were best friends we were happiest at that time. We met fairly young 17 and 18 and I had a boyfriend but my now husband was so persistent in pursuing a relationship and was the better option as far as my future went so I left my boyfriend (that I was in love with but he was broke) and started dating him.

My first indiscretion came after 3 years of marriage when I started feeling lonely. He felt as though he settle down to fast (even though he rushed our relationship) and started hanging out more with his friends and leaving me and the kids at home. We talked about it for a while but my husband is very stubborn so after a while I felt helpless an started having a long distance relationship with an old friend. Soon after he found out and made me end the correspondences and we just kinda moved on. No sex was involved in this occurrence. The second indiscretion came 3 years later. We went through a cold phase, not much talking or communicating. He said he knew he was neglecting me. Around that time I began to express my unhappiness with sex and him not taking me out anymore. He explained to me that he was who he was and maybe I needed a boyfriend. So yes I did (I shouldn't have but I did) we dated, no sex but he would give me gifts, do lunch and talk on the phone. My husband found out bc the guy sent a video of us laughing with the caption we don't have to be intimate to have a bond. My husband blew up and was devastated, crying in disbelief. After that he swore to me tht he would be a better husband to me. We began to date weekly, and take the kids out weekly. He began to surprise me with big gifts and I was good to him. 3 years later he started a new job that required a lot of hours. He would come home exhausted daily to the point he would tell me he doesn't want to hear my voice. I told him that I'm not happy with our sex life and I think it should be more about the both of us and it got worse sex went from 15 minutes to 2 minutes. It went from 2 play to no play. He just would not compromise and I found myself feeling hopeless again. He explained that I'm like an old toy. You love your old toy and your want your old toy with you forever but you don't always play with your old toy. It wont excite you the same as a new toy. For a while I took the "Im so tired' but then I found a hotel receipt with his name on and his credit care. He swear he brought the room for a friend but I look through his phone and he search hotels several times. So when I got fed up it was easy to say f*** it. I have tried to explain tht I felt rejected, unwanted and unloved so I connected with my first love (yes the man I left for him 15 years ago) it was easy bc we didn't feel like strangers to each other. We both were afraid of being seen in public so we met at each other houses (big mistake) my husband found a deleted video of us having sex in both of our homes. My husband decided to stay with me but its been an emotional rollercoaster for us. Some days he wants to love me and other days he hates me. He admits he wasn't having sex with me but he says so what you still shouldn't have had sex with someone else. Especially, since he was only tired bc he was working. I know I had other options eg church, therapist even separation but I didn't want to lose "our good times" we have a family and have built so much. I now feel like maybe I should just forget about sex accept my marriage on his terms and be happy with it. The other side of me says why do I have to give up romance, chemistry and being desired. We often get into big fighter because he said I should have waited for him not to be tired one day and I say he turned his back on me emotionally. Its way more to being a husband than money. I am inclined to defend myself am I a dirt bag??? I really was hurting and now we both are.

YOur H has been neglecting you physically and emotionally, that sort of neglect can cause all sorts of problems. You chose o handle it the wrong way and I suspect he has also cheated on you.
It does appear that your WH does not know how to stop neglecting you, you both should consider individual counselling then MC. However, with all the damage that has been done by both of you, it may well be that there is no coming back from it.
Why did you turn to other men, don't you have female friends you can confide in?

I know all about neglect in a marriage but that does not entitle you to turn to someone else. You have to work through why you think it is.
7- 9 years into a marriage is often the time when things go awry, the spark is lost, the responsibilities increase.
I would suggest you get your own IC to work through your emotions, leave your marriage out of it for a while. Marriage is not about what you can get out of it, its about what you can bring to it, maybe if your changed your focus, the dynamic would change.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:04 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Hi there, dollface. Seems he's had a revenge affair. I'm so sorry you're in that position. What you did to him doesn't make it right to do the same to you. If you've both cheated on each other I'd say there's really no hope. Your husband knows the pain of being cheated on, and yet he did it to you. If he is willing to hurt you like that, KNOWING how much that would hurt you, you have every right to leave him.

Or, alternatively, you could have a very deep, very frank, and in-depth discussion about consensual nonmonogamy. You could stay together and be the other's "primary" relationship while you both fall in love, have sex, etc. on the side with each other's full knowledge and consent. The only caveat there would be that last part. You would need to discuss discuss everything you want to do, everyone you want to be with, every type of relationship you could possibly have. So many things would have to be discussed in thorough detail. Anonymous sex only? Friends with benefits? Romantic/love relationship? With the opposite gender? With the same gender? With just one other person or many? Will any or all of the relationships be BDSM/kinky? Will you go to swinging parties? How will you deal with jealousy? What if one of you loves one of your paramours more than your spouse? etc etc etc ad infinitum. It would be imperative to have healthy and nondestructive conversations constantly, so if I were you, I'd get into marriage counseling to learn how to do that LONG before you consider polyamory.
Why did you call her dollface?
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:07 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

The problem with forgiving someone for cheating is that you cannot forget and regain the same level of trust. From what I have read in various psychological publications, the one who cheated can expect to have their spouse bring it up quite often for a few years. It takes a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will not be the same as it once was. He will be suspicious of you and when he thinks of it, it will anger him.

I cheated on my wife because we got engaged 3 weeks after we met and then married 8 months later. I had been poly since I was 18 and this was only my second monogamous relationship. The first one ended when my ex fiancee cheated after being with me for 4 years. I did not want to live like your husband, and she did go on to cheat on her husband and is now married to a woman.

Long story short, my wife invited her girlfriends join us in bed, to provide me what she was not able to at that time. As a result our marriage became fantastic as did the relationship and intimacy between my wife and I. It is unfair to confine your sex life to the lowest common denominator. It is unfair to expect your spouse to do without just because you do not want to have sex as much as he/she needs.

We just celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary because we chose our marriage over monogamy. If interested read this and learn what other couples are doing more and more. Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

Marriages fail 50% of the time and yet most rather go down with the ship rather then swim to safety. My wife understood that it was unfair to ask me to come down to her sexual level. That is not something you do to a person you love. You can handle it anyway you wish to but just know that you have choices and do not have to stay within the lines.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:27 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Why did you call her dollface?
It's a term of endearment, like darling, duck, sweetheart... things you call people who are suffering and need tea and a handkerchief.

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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:44 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

Sounds like you both cheated. If your husband did cheat it is likely that he used hotels. I find the videos of sex in your home very disrespectful and should be considered spousal abuse. I think you should seperate for an while.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:39 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

You seem to have the idea that any time things are not good in the marriage that you should go out and find a boyfriend!!!! That is not how a marriage works!

And each time you go out and find a boyfriend you seem to get more courageous and bold - first time was long distance correspondence, second time was dating and laughing, third time was screwing in each other's houses and making sex tapes of each time!!!

In response to one of your questions, yes you are a dirtbag. Anyone who cheats is a dirtbag.

The main question should be what are you going to do next. You should come clean, get divorced and move on with your lives. There is clearly no love or respect for your husband and its possible that your husband feels the same. So move on!!! But you do need to fix yourself with regard to handling problems in marriage.

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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:19 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

So far you have not said whether or not you are still having sex with your boyfriend or are still in contact with him. If the answer to either question is yes, then your marriage is over since it is obvious your husband is not going to accept your boyfriend and your activities with him.

You say you are both hurting, but before anyone can give you any advice that makes sense you have some more questions to answer truthfully to your husband and to those whom you are asking advice from. Despite what one poster told you, very few men as a percentage will accept their wives having boyfriends.

So what's the story. Have you stopped the affair totally or are you looking for us to tell you its OK to "cake eat".???

And lastly, you are a three time cheater in one form or another. So unless you find another coping mechanism other than other men, regardless of your husbands behavior, then you need to divorce. He owns 50% of the marital problems. You own 100% of the infidelity.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:53 AM
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Re: I need advice I cheated and Im not sensitive

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post

Or, alternatively, you could have a very deep, very frank, and in-depth discussion about consensual non-monogamy.

You could stay together and be the other's "primary" relationship while you both fall in love, have sex, etc. on the side with each other's full knowledge and consent. paramours more than your spouse? etc etc etc ad infinitum.

So if I were you, I'd get into marriage counseling to learn how to do that LONG before you consider polyamory.
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