Well, I posted a week ago about my experience in finding out that the son I've been raising for the last 6 years is not bioligically mine (in this thread). While I always noted that he doesn't look much like me, he does look VERY much like my wife, so I guess I just assumed that he got all her features. However, I then found out that she had cheated on me just one time, when we had been together 2 years and were very serious but not yet engaged. It turned out that the infidelity occurred near the conception of our son. As part of my healing process after learning about the infidelity, we obtained a paternity test. We were both shocked when it came back and "excluded" me as a potential bioligical father. Apparently, she had first convinced herself that the father HAD to be me (which was a very probably conclusion, but not an absolute certainty, obviously). She then operated under that assumption, and never gave me the slightest hint that any other possibility existed. Then I found out about the cheating, and had to pursue the possibility.
Posting about it last week, and getting some encouraging responses helped, but the good and bad feelings seem to come in waves. Right now I'm in the midst of a wave of bad feelings. I'm not sure I know the true root of these feelings either, but I guess basically it just relates to the fact that the choice to raise this child was made for me. Yes, I still had the choice of whether I wanted to be involved, but my character is such that once I knew of the pregnancy, there was absolutely NO chance that I would abandon my child. But now I'm left wondering what might have been. And that makes me feel a little guilty I guess, as if I don't appreciate what I have.
What I didn't mention in the previous thread was that I had a pretty big plan at the time I found out about the pregnancy. A friend and I had made plans to tour the country for the following NFL season, making a stop at each stadium to watch a home game for each of the NFL's 32 teams, and complete all the travel by car. It would have been a rather difficult accomplishment to visit 32 NFL stadiums with just 17 weeks of NFL games, the vast majority of which were played on Sundays (there were fewer Thursday and Saturday games back then than there are now). Anyway, I had already been in touch with people from NFL.com, who had agreed to try to help with procuring game tickets for us and allow me to post an online journal to chronicle our experiences. This was before I knew what a "blog" was, but I guess I would have been among the first bloggers. We were also exploring the possibility of some sponsorships and other means of parlaying that dream into current and future financial opportunities. So I guess in short I may have been in line for some level of fame, quite possibly a stronger financial start than I ended up with out of college, not to mention the memories that living out such a dream would have created. But I never though twice about scrapping those plans once I thought I had a responsibility to an unborn child.
I supported my (then) girlfriend immediately and wholeheartedly when she told me about the possibility. As I mentioned earlier, she never gave ANY indication that there was any room for doubt about the paternity issue. Shortly after our son was born, we got married and have a great relationship, something I'm really proud of. I've supported my wife through grad school, she got a great job, we have had two beautiful daughters along the way, and now live in a beautiful house that we love. 2 1/2 years ago, when my son was 3 and middle daughter just shy of a year, I quit my job to stay home with the (then two, now three) children. I love them all as much as any father anywhere loves his children. "Father" is the most important part of what I consider to be my identity; "husband" is the only other descriptor that even comes close. I still love my wife dearly, and understand that she made a mistake 7 years ago, when she was just 21 and everything in her world was in a state of transition (graduating college, moving to a new city, leaving her old friends behind, starting grad school, possibly uncertain about our future together, then finding out about the pregnancy). Deep down I sincerely believe that where I'm at in life now is the best place - in terms of fulfillment, love, future ambitions, and being with the love of my life - that I could be.
Still, I sometimes deal with feelings of resentment that the path that brought me to this place in life began with a lie perpetrated against me by my most trusted friend, and a monumental life choice that was made for me. I never in the least regretted my decision to be a father to who I thought was my child. But now there's a little resentment over the opportunity I passed up back then. I feel guilty that I resent that choice being made for me, even though I know it has resulted in a truly wonderful life for me. Am I a horrible person for feeling that resentment? Should I "just get over it" and move on? I know I should live in the present and worry about what I can control, but thoughts of what might have been still creep into my head sometimes. Do I just need to give it more time? Can anyone help me sort this out a little more?
Absolutely give it more time. I don't think you are a horrible person at all for feeling the way you do. You are obviously grateful for the way things turned out in the end, but I'm sure this news was quite a shock and I believe it's only normal to play back the 'what if' scenerios in your mind. Give yourself time to absorb all of this and begin to heal.
Dude, within the last months, you've had two BOMBSHELL'S dropped on you.
Most people take longer than that if their spouse cheated on them and that's it. And in my opinion, the thing with your son would be 100x harder than just dealing with the infidelity.
It will take a while. There is no magic cure, no miracle pill, no nothing that is going to stop these feelings and thoughts.... it just takes time. You need to sit and let it digest for a good time before you can figure out what you need to do with this situation.
What you passed up back then means nothing at this point. You accepted the responsidility of being a father, you made the right choice with the information you had. How you deal with things going foreward is whats important now. I didn't read your past post so I'm kind of shooting blind here.
You have every right at feeling resentful toward your wife for what she did. But are you really resentful at the last 6 years of your life ? Were you not happy being a dad ? Were you happy with your marriage ? Would you trade the love you have felt for your child over the last six years for a few months of fun with your buddies ? Remember the child is innocent about all this, you are his dad, you have always been his dad, how can that stop ? I am not you but if I find out today my kids are space aliens I wouldn't regret one minute of the life I have had with them. There is nothing else I could have ever done in my life that is better than the love of a child.
I will try and find your older post so I can get the whole story. But addressing your above post, you can be pissed at what she did, but isn't what you have better than what you gave up ?
Thanks for all the replies. I understand that I have a great life now, and no, I wouldn't give it all back for the chance to do something different. But what would really help me right now is a little advice on getting through the low moments, when I feel the resentment start to creep up again. I focus on loving my children, think of how much I love my wife, and think about our dreams/plans for the future. It also helps me to put in some happy music. But as I am a stay-at-home dad, and my wife is gone for 10+ hours per day including her commute, I have found myself hitting slumps in the middle of the day sometime. It definitely helps to have her home to hold, but it's sometimes hard to stay positive when I know it will be 5-6 hours before I get adult interaction again. I am at home, doing the same mundane housework that occupies my hands but not my mind. That's when unpleasant thoughts seem to creep in again. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Thanks for all the replies. I understand that I have a great life now, and no, I wouldn't give it all back for the chance to do something different. But what would really help me right now is a little advice on getting through the low moments, when I feel the resentment start to creep up again. I focus on loving my children, think of how much I love my wife, and think about our dreams/plans for the future. It also helps me to put in some happy music. But as I am a stay-at-home dad, and my wife is gone for 10+ hours per day including her commute, I have found myself hitting slumps in the middle of the day sometime. It definitely helps to have her home to hold, but it's sometimes hard to stay positive when I know it will be 5-6 hours before I get adult interaction again. I am at home, doing the same mundane housework that occupies my hands but not my mind. That's when unpleasant thoughts seem to creep in again. Any suggestions? Thanks!
I read your old post so I have a few things to add to my earlier comments.
First off it sounds like you are a great father and husband. You make it sound as if you have a very happy marriage and life so first off lets not lose sight of that. You feel betrayed for good reason, even though her affair happened 7 years ago the pain is right here, right now. You also seem like a thinking man and I am sure you are thinking of all the ramifications the future may hold. This is the part that will ruin you, the worry of what may or may not happen. Make a plan on how you will handle things, like health issues or your sons biological father wanting to be involved (or even telling him). Talk these things out with your wife, she made a mistake seven years ago but hasn't she proved her love and commitment to you ever since? She is your friend, your partner, together you must figure out how to handle what may come up.
I am sure you have heard the expression "an idle mind is the devils workshop", we all know this to be true. If you dwell on the negitive, you make negitive things happen. Get down on your knees and put your arms around you son, doesn't he feel the same? Doesn't he smell the same? Doesn't your heart explode with love for him? He is still your little buddy, and you are still a super hero to him. Don't let regrets or worries eat away at what you have right now. Things may never be quite the same, but that doesn't mean things will be bad either.
Thanks Cooper
You are very right about what you have said. I will do my best to take it to heart, and re-read it when necessary. My wife and I have a sort of mantra that we've been telling each other several times a day: "Whatever it takes." That's what we're going to do to help each other through this. But it's also good to know that there are other people out there thinking positively about us and providing support and encouragement. Thanks again.
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