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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.
The OW is not the problem. Your H is the problem. Concentrate your efforts here. You deserve better than the old carpet sweeping forget about it, it was nothing coming from you H.

Ask your H to put himself in your shoes. You were stealing glances at a coworker followed up with messaging all day. What your H do? How would your H want you to react?


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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much.

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***
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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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The OW is not the problem. Your H is the problem. Concentrate your efforts here. You deserve better than the old carpet sweeping forget about it, it was nothing coming from you H.

Ask your H to put himself in your shoes. You were stealing glances at a coworker followed up with messaging all day. What your H do? How would your H want you to react?
I did turn the tables on him when all of this was happening. He said he would have left me. I know my husband is my problem but I'm still pissed that some single chick with a kid would do that to another fellow mother.
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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

I agree with you about this OW. She very clearly KNEW he is married, yet continued to come at him. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Yes, the blame for any line crossing does lie with your husband, but women like this need to be held accountable for their part as well. He sounds completely without remorse. Sorry to say but you are going to have to draw a hard line here. He needs to agree to counseling with you, and goes no contact with this woman (which means another job if necessary) or you will expose the affair to their superiors and file for divorce. You have to mean this, you cannot put this out there if you are not willing to follow through 100%. You only get ONE chance, and if you fail to follow through, he will know that you are only blowing hot air and are not to be taken seriously.

By the way, if I had seen those messages on WWF, I would have messaged her back immediately that this is his wife and to leave my husband the **** alone.

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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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I did turn the tables on him when all of this was happening. He said he would have left me. I know my husband is my problem but I'm still pissed that some single chick with a kid would do that to another fellow mother.
When it comes to ego kibbles all bets are off.

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post #21 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this as well. I think it's hard to deal with any time but I felt completely torn apart since I was a new mom. Your husband still has contact with that woman? Thankfully my husband no longer works with her. They always have the possibility of working together again because of how unions work though. It gives me anxiety. This woman was in a large Facebook moms group and has posted nasty things about me saying I'm insecure etc. We both have each other blocked on Facebook so a friend told me about it. She told someone to contact my husband to do work.
I am studded at that women saying nasty things about you on Facebook. You know it just makes her look bad.

Women are more vulnerable while having children and I lost a lot of respect for my DH at that time. You are definitely not alone in this.

My husband and the OW do still work in the same building and sometimes have to work on the same project. He says his career is in a good place and I benefit from his career being in a good place. The truth is I don't know what he can possible do to make me feel secure and not have anxiety except get a new job. This week I have relived all the anxiety from 5 years ago and then some. When I am with him and we fall into our routines I feel pretty good. It's when I am alone with my thoughts I get very upset.
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post #22 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much.

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***

There is a saying, "If you want to save a marriage you must be willing to lose it." Your H needs to quit the job were OW is working. If you H does not the EA is ongoing. Second, consult a lawyer and know you rights. Prepare to D. Do not allow your H to walk all over you. Your consulting a lawyer will start to make this very real to your H. He either craps or gets off the pot. The disrespect towards you and the marriage is strong with this one.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #23 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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There is a saying, "If you want to save a marriage you must be willing to lose it." Your H needs to quit the job were OW is working. If you H does not the EA is ongoing. Second, consult a lawyer and know you rights. Prepare to D. Do not allow your H to walk all over you. Your consulting a lawyer will start to make this very real to your H. He either craps or gets off the pot. The disrespect towards you and the marriage is strong with this one.
They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?
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post #24 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?
You're having trouble getting over it because your husband hasn't given you just compensation for damaging your marriage. He continually lied to to you even after knowing how much he'd hurt you.

I've learned that in marriage, it doesn't matter if your spouse agrees that what he did was wrong or even that it was an EA. What matters is that he deeply hurt you, and for that, he needs to care enough about you and the marriage to make you feel safe by giving you all details, eliminating all contact, and providing you with full transparency to his day and devices so you feel safe again in the marriage. He also needs to work with you to implement appropriate boundaries around women. Usually after an affair of any type, this means the WS is no longer ever in a position to be alone with the opposite sex and no opposite sex friends who are not also friends of the marriage.

If your husband is not willing to do that, I'd strongly recommend separating from him until he agrees to counseling. Your husband is treating you poorly and it sounds to me like he is emotionally abusing you by showing you very little care and respect.
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post #25 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.
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Originally Posted by FeelingBetrayed View Post
I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much.

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***
So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?

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post #26 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?
Great that both do not work together any longer. Yes, your H was hugely disrespectful with the bar nonsense. Your H was sorry he got CAUGHT. Nothing more. Your H continues to be disrespectful of you and your feelings.

For me, if my W had done these things and continued to minimize, carpet sweep and not consider my feeling/were I stand I would look to separate. For you see, if my W could get away with this easily the first time what is stopping the next time? You may stop the D anytime you like if H finally grasps the reality of the situation. Your H just my do nothing and at this point you will see your H true colors. At that juncture what is there to save?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #27 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

Your husband is a lying cheating ******* and deserves to be kicked to the curb. The whole reason you can't get over what he did is because he continues to minimize it and make YOU feel like you're the bad guy. And you KNOW that's just ****ed up, right?

You need to get rid of him, if not physically right away then detach emotionally and start the path to being on your own. Idiots like your husband think the world revolves around them and that they can't do anything wrong - that's why you feel the way you do. And you will CONTINUE to feel the way you do as long as you are with him. So get rid of him.

If by some MIRACLE he has an epiphany and suddenly becomes truly remorseful then give him another chance. The chances of him doing this are practically nil, though.

This thread explains true remorse, among a lot of other things you should read

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #28 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

FEELINGBETRAYED

You were betrayed in the most horrible way, you just give birth and he compares you with an OW, and makes light of your feelings, your WH is a nasty piece of work.

Of course you have not healed because he has done nothing to help you heal, he has just minimized your hurt and rug swept everything. This will not go away believe me, it will rear its ugly head over and over. Your WH needs a major come to Jesus moment.

I would suggest you get IC for yourself to handle the emotions this brings up in you and to learn how to approach your WH with this topic.
There is nothing to say that this did not go physical. Is there unaccounted time? I would insist on a polygraph, tell your WH it is not negotiable, you have borne the pain for years and need resolution whether in or out of the marriage. Be willing to lose this marriage and let him see that.

Then insist on MC, if he refuses then say you are going to see a lawyer, get the papers drawn up. Tell all family and friends you are filing for divorce because of what he did (explain exactly what you told us). He needs to be responsible for his actions. YOu have been silently carrying this for many years alone with no help from him, time for him to step up to the plate.

If he refuses to help you heal, do any of things above, then it is time to dump him, you will never have a good marriage. You need to do the 180 for yourself if he refuses to do these things.
He has a nerve saying he would leave you if you did the same thing, now its time for him to pay the piper, you must follow through. It appears you have given him way too much power in the marriage, it is time to take your power back and play hard ball. You do not need him in your life if push comes to shove. Speak with some close friends/family about your plan and ask for their support.

i wish you all the best but please do not live a life of misery and doubt.
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post #29 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:32 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

If he's making you feel like you're crazy, then he is NOT REMORSEFUL.

He is still in dreamy la-la land and is blind to the true character of a woman who would fool around with a MARRIED man. But of course, he's too busy cooling around himself to have the sense to notice or care.

I understand that you're hurting, but you need to shrug off his demoralizing BS, build some self esteem, and give him a swift kick of reality where the sun don't shine.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #30 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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I agree with you about this OW. She very clearly KNEW he is married, yet continued to come at him. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Yes, the blame for any line crossing does lie with your husband, but women like this need to be held accountable for their part as well. He sounds completely without remorse. Sorry to say but you are going to have to draw a hard line here. He needs to agree to counseling with you, and goes no contact with this woman (which means another job if necessary) or you will expose the affair to their superiors and file for divorce. You have to mean this, you cannot put this out there if you are not willing to follow through 100%. You only get ONE chance, and if you fail to follow through, he will know that you are only blowing hot air and are not to be taken seriously.

By the way, if I had seen those messages on WWF, I would have messaged her back immediately that this is his wife and to leave my husband the **** alone.
I didn't see the messages on WWF. I didn't realize that there was a chat option until after I deleted all their games & blocked her on the app on his phone. He told me after that there was a chat function. I wish I could have read the messages because there could have been more revealed. I did however send her a text message after she sent my husband a text as soon as she got home on a Friday to complain about something. I told her to please respect my marriage and stop contacting my husband. She replied that she was just contacting her foreman and I was inappropriate to contact her.
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