Feeling betrayed - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?
Things are still not good - that is why I decided to finally join a marriage forum and post about it. I can't get over it. He is rewriting history in his head and saying he didn't do anything wrong. I have nightmares occasionally about catching them together or him leaving me for her. It all makes me sick. Then I feel like I'm in the wrong for not getting over it. He tells me to stop living in the past and focus on the future.

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

Your husband is an unremorseful cheater. You are not in the wrong here, HE is. Its ok if you cant do this. (Personally I think you need to tell him its over.)

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by FeelingBetrayed View Post
I didn't see the messages on WWF. I didn't realize that there was a chat option until after I deleted all their games & blocked her on the app on his phone. He told me after that there was a chat function. I wish I could have read the messages because there could have been more revealed. I did however send her a text message after she sent my husband a text as soon as she got home on a Friday to complain about something. I told her to please respect my marriage and stop contacting my husband. She replied that she was just contacting her foreman and I was inappropriate to contact her.
Ballsy *****.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. What you feel as a result of what he's done, and what he doesn't feel, is all HIS fault.

Whatever you decide about your marriage is more than justified, even if you left.
Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'

Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Dazedconfuzed View Post
Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'

Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...
Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.
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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Ballsy *****.
OMG, SOOOO ballsy.
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.
Attractive to your husband, for whatever reason. Whether she is attractive in general doesn't matter.
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Dazedconfuzed View Post
Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'

Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...


Emotional affairs are defined by Glass in her book Not Just Friends as any relationship outside of the marriage in which you are meeting intimate needs without your spouse knowing or agreeing, and that you would not feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse.



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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:46 PM
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Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by FeelingBetrayed View Post
Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.

I'd argue that these wives feel insecure in their marriages because their husbands are not implementing appropriate boundaries in their marriages by shutting this woman down.

This is your husband's fault- not hers. She doesn't owe you anything, but as your husband who made vows to you, he does.


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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?
Things are still not good - that is why I decided to finally join a marriage forum and post about it. I can't get over it. He is rewriting history in his head and saying he didn't do anything wrong. I have nightmares occasionally about catching them together or him leaving me for her. It all makes me sick. Then I feel like I'm in the wrong for not getting over it. He tells me to stop living in the past and focus on the future.
I get pretty upset just reading your story because I go through the same thing. Sometimes I would tell myself that he isn't so great anyway and if he wanted to go then fine. Sometimes I would start a plan on how to take care of myself if that happened. Another reason I went back to work when my child was 2.5 even though I didn't have too was my own security. I felt better with my own money and my own job. I pushed him to separate our finiances. I love my job and it's very rewarding and builds my confidence. I stopped trying to talk to him about our relationship because it would turn out badly.

There is no guarantee that you won't end up back where you were on D Day. All you can do is have a plan incase it happens and hope for the best. You only can control what you do. Try to build up a support system for your child. Whatever you are worried about the most make a plan and it helps with the anxiety. Exercise can help with the anxiety too. I hate to give advice since I am back in the same situation however I am in a much better position than I would have been 5 years ago.

I am going to suggest you look up gaslighting and codependency. You said he is rewritting history and that can be similar to gas lighting. It helps when you understand what is happening.

Hope that helps

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