Feeling betrayed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling betrayed

Two years ago my husband started a new job. I quit my job after our son was born 2.5 years ago and I am now a stay at home mom. He started talking about his coworker (a woman) often at home. Finding ways to bring her up in conversation. We had friends over for brunch and he starts talking about her and how everyone thinks she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker. I just looked at him like WTF?! I started to feel insecure. I had just had a baby 6 months ago. He picked a fight with me on my first Mothers Day. He told me he didn't know if we should be together anymore. I spent the whole day crying. We talked things out and he said he needed to see changes in me. He continued to bring her up. He started almost comparing me to her. We went on a walk one day and he started talking about what he likes about her and how she's so adventurous, active and likes to try new things. He told me I was rigid and should be more adventurous. I flipped out. I accused him of comparing me to her. I started to become even more insecure. He told me that he thought she was interested in him. That on his first day she asked if he was married. She later told him that's what she does when she meets a new man at work that she's interested in since they can't wear wedding rings at work because they are electricians. He told me how she told him her whole life story, everything that was going on with her ex/father of her child. She confided in him. At this point he also was constantly checking his phone to play Words With Friends. I knew nothing about it as I had never played it before. I started to read about emotional affairs online and would sit nursing my son and crying as I read. One night I decided to ask him about what the heck was going on. I asked if they had feelings for each other. I said the behavior from her was as if they were dating. He got really quiet and was almost crying. He told me he thought she had feelings for him and he didn't know what to call how he felt about her. He said that they had several moments throughout the day where they would catch each other looking at each other and would just catch each others gaze. He said her look was like "if you want to hook up I would do it". He said there was a spark and a connection between them that he couldn't explain and that they had so much in common. He apologized and said he never asked for any of this and he didn't know what to do. That if he weren't married to me that he would ask her out. My heart sank and I immediately felt nauseous. I asked him if he was going to leave me and he said no. He didn't want to end our marriage but he just didn't know what to do. I ended up talking to him again and told him that I needed him to stay away from her at work and that he needed to talk to her and tell her this was inappropriate and to stay away from him. He didn't want to and said it would be awkward but he talked to her. She was sad and said that she had hoped we could all be friends and pictured them at parks having picnics with the kids. Well, as I continue to press for information I find out she smokes. My husband is weak when it comes to smoking and they take private smoke breaks multiple times a day with each other. He tells me more red flag behavior from her. She awkwardly seeks him out when he's alone during the day to ask weird questions like "so I realized I never asked you how long you've been with your wife and why didn't she take your last name, if I married you I would take your last name". She told him how she's always talking to her friend about him and how a movie her daughter likes they named him as a character in it as well as her and her friend. One weekend morning I went downstairs to make coffee and his phone got an alert. It was from Words with Friends and it said she was waiting. I started shaking. I had previously asked him if they had any contact outside of work. He said no - no phone calls, no texts, nothing online. He lied to me AGAIN. I confronted him and told him I felt betrayed. He told me there was a chat option in the game and that they chatted as a way so I wouldn't see. It was her idea. She contacted him first so I wouldn't find out since she didn't want to cause problems. She sent him a message on their for Fathers Day. She said she was thinking of him and hoped he had a good day. I framed everything to him with the tables turned. I asked if this was going on with me and a male coworker and if he had asked me to cut all contact/interaction and if I didn't and lied and hid things how would he feel. He told me that he would have left me a long time ago if I did that to him. He still took smoke breaks with her. I told him he needed to talk to her again and tell her they were not going to be playing this game and that the contact via chat was totally inappropriate. I will also add that she recommended that he read a book. I looked it up and the story is about a married man falling in love with another woman.

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***

I'm sure I'm forgetting details. Anyway, they worked together for 5-6 months. Thankfully they have not worked together since fall of 2015. This has caused a HUGE issue in our marriage. I have trust issues now. I still feel insecure. He's been saying for a long time now that nothing ever happened, he didn't cheat, he did nothing wrong even though he admitted wrong doing at the time. He hasn't done anything to make things better. I know I need to get over it somehow. Am I crazy for being so upset about what happened at the time and still having issues getting over it? Please help. This is the first time I'm putting this anywhere.


Last edited by FeelingBetrayed; 04-17-2017 at 11:59 AM. Reason: Additional info
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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

Are they still in contact? Your husband had an EA. If you take the steps in Surviving an Affair and treat it like the affair that it was, I think your marriage will have the greatest chance of success in recovering. As it stands, he could be texting with her either via words with friends or another way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and the part about reading about EAs while nursing your child is heartbreaking.

Please don't rug sweep his affair. Your husband has poor boundaries with women. This could easily happen again even if he did end all contact with this woman, though I don't believe that he did based on what you describe.
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

so your husband has puppy love for some gal he works with.

i would tell him to grow up and honor his marriage vows. we all see people on the street that we find attractive.
lot's of us run into, or know people we have a spark with and seem like 'soul mates' (bleh!).

get over it like a grown man.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My DH got involved with a women at work. Our baby had just turned 6 months and he was telling me how wonderful she was. This was after I found emails of text messages he had saved so he could always remember their flirtation. He made lots of noise that he wanted to leave but never actually would leave. I was an emotional disaster for months.

That happened 5 years ago and we are still together but I don't give him much credit for it. He was very depressed and moody the first year after giving up the friendship. He refused to leave his position at work so she was going to still be around. I found books that helped like "Detatch and Survive."

I got through it by becoming more self aware, more self reliant emotionally, physically, and financially. I don't regret staying with him since he is a wonderful father and logistically it would have been too difficult to build my career and take care of our son. We were doing tolerable until this last week when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. Still don't know what to make of it all yet 💔. This time I am in a better position to cope and I know I will be ok either way. My life does not revolve around him like it did before.
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Are they still in contact? Your husband had an EA. If you take the steps in Surviving an Affair and treat it like the affair that it was, I think your marriage will have the greatest chance of success in recovering. As it stands, he could be texting with her either via words with friends or another way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and the part about reading about EAs while nursing your child is heartbreaking.

Please don't rug sweep his affair. Your husband has poor boundaries with women. This could easily happen again even if he did end all contact with this woman, though I don't believe that he did based on what you describe.
Thank you for validating my concerns. I thought it was an emotional affair as well. They do not have contact as far as I know. I immediately blocked her cell phone from calls and texts. They do not talk on WWF since I had him block her on there and on Facebook. Is Surviving An Affair an article on here? Even though he initially admitted wrong doing he has since made me feel crazy for being upset and having trust issues. I felt completely heart broken when it was all happening.
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My DH got involved with a women at work. Our baby had just turned 6 months and he was telling me how wonderful she was. This was after I found emails of text messages he had saved so he could always remember their flirtation. He made lots of noise that he wanted to leave but never actually would leave. I was an emotional disaster for months.

That happened 5 years ago and we are still together but I don't give him much credit for it. He was very depressed and moody the first year after giving up the friendship. He refused to leave his position at work so she was going to still be around. I found books that helped like "Detatch and Survive."

I got through it by becoming more self aware, more self reliant emotionally, physically, and financially. I don't regret staying with him since he is a wonderful father and logistically it would have been too difficult to build my career and take care of our son. We were doing tolerable until this last week when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. Still don't know what to make of it all yet 💔. This time I am in a better position to cope and I know I will be ok either way. My life does not revolve around him like it did before.
I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this as well. I think it's hard to deal with any time but I felt completely torn apart since I was a new mom. Your husband still has contact with that woman? Thankfully my husband no longer works with her. They always have the possibility of working together again because of how unions work though. It gives me anxiety. This woman was in a large Facebook moms group and has posted nasty things about me saying I'm insecure etc. We both have each other blocked on Facebook so a friend told me about it. She told someone to contact my husband to do work.
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

EA certainly. Your H should be working hard to make you feel secure. He must come to grips that EA is infidelity. Perhaps getting your H "Not Just Friends" to read will help.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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EA certainly. Your H should be working hard to make you feel secure. He must come to grips that EA is infidelity. Perhaps getting your H "Not Just Friends" to read will help.
Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

He may not have ****ed her, but he DID cheat.
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Thank you for validating my concerns. I thought it was an emotional affair as well. They do not have contact as far as I know. I immediately blocked her cell phone from calls and texts. They do not talk on WWF since I had him block her on there and on Facebook. Is Surviving An Affair an article on here? Even though he initially admitted wrong doing he has since made me feel crazy for being upset and having trust issues. I felt completely heart broken when it was all happening.
Surviving an Affair is a book written by licensed psychologist Dr. Harley with a checklist that he found gives married couples the greatest chance of success in recovering from an affair. He's very specific in that a step cannot be skipped if you want the recovery to work. It's not easy, which is why he also says that spouses have every right to divorce after their partner has been unfaithful. But for many who do go on to recover their marriage, the steps help ensure the affair has ended and that proper boundaries are in place to avoid rekindling the affair and/or another affair in the future.

If you go to Marriage Builders website, you can find the checklist in the forums without getting the book, but you might have to dig a bit. Or you can download the book today. It wil help you to read up on how to move forward beyond just the checklist.

The fact that your husband doesn't really admit to wrongdoing is concerning. If I were you and I wanted to try to recover the marriage, I'd post on the Marriage Builders forums for help in following their plan. Like I said, it isn't easy. Your husband has damaged the marriage and he needs to be accountable to you and understand the pain he has caused to you and your family. If you rug sweep, he can do it again.

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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. What you feel as a result of what he's done, and what he doesn't feel, is all HIS fault.

Whatever you decide about your marriage is more than justified, even if you left.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:08 AM
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Cool Re: Feeling betrayed

Don't just say that you're "feeling betrayed!"

Fact of the matter was that you "were betrayed!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.
He absolutely DID cheat, no question. And until he comes to grip with that reality and admits it, you have no chance of a real reconciliation. It will never work. Yes, you may stay married, but it will only be a superficial kind of partnership, not a real marriage. Plus it makes it that much more likely to do it again, because he doesnt see it as being wrong.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by FeelingBetrayed View Post
Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.
It is a book. Author by the name of Shirley Glass. Your H by definition was cheating. Your H is carpet sweeping and minimizing. Your H cares very little for the affect this EA has had on you.

You are not crazy for being upset. You are human like anyone else. Your trust has been betrayed at it highest level.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling betrayed

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. What you feel as a result of what he's done, and what he doesn't feel, is all HIS fault.

Whatever you decide about your marriage is more than justified, even if you left.
Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.
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