Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
Very bad. We had sex once or twice in the last year and maybe a handful of times the year before that. When ever I bring it up he deflects the problem to me saying I was never interest in sex that much when we were younger so what does it matter now or makes me feel bad for even being it up. This would be the main reason I have considered leaving him within the last few years. I had been thinking he probably had erectile disfunction and was too embarrassed to discuss it. He wants to just have a sexless marriage now. He is 38 btw.
I know. It's embarrassing how awful everything is.
There are some hard truths you need to face, TheStarsAreFalling.
First, this affair was - and still IS
- very much physical between he and the OW. It's the height of naivete to think 'it never got physical' as you stated in your original post.
Secondly, he never STOPPED the affair 5 years ago. D-Day for sure put a crimp in their goings-on, and maybe it did scare the OW off for a while. But it was clearly never his intention to stop the affair. Ever.
And when he told you he didn't want you to come back when you returned after 3 months, that should have been ALL you needed to know it was time to lawyer up.
Instead, you did the humiliating and degrading 'pick me' dance and jumped all over like a trained seal, desperately seeking his love and approval. You never got it and instead heard all about how you don't clean good enough or what a cold fish you are and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you or how you need to 'admire' him more or that you're not into his hobbies and on and on. What a complete selfish ******* this guy is. He's so self-absorbed he thinks the whole damned world revolves around HIM. But then again, he's a got a wife who clings to him like grim death no matter what he says or does to her, and another woman willing to waste YEARS of her life on this flaming ass-clown, so I guess I can see where he gets that false sense of self importance.
My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.
Well, this is probably due to one of two reasons - either SHE is no longer interested in winning this 'prize' on a full time basis, or your husband took a trip to his lawyer and found out just how much
it would cost him to get a divorce. There are a lot of men out there who have gotten a dose of reality at their attorney's office and have returned home suddenly much more desirous of 'working on the marriage' than they were before they talked to a lawyer.
And you're right - he's probably gotten himself a burner phone and is no longer using his cell phone to stay in touch with her. So it's no skin off his back to suddenly be 'transparent' with you.
You couldn't pay me enough money to settle for being this guy's Plan B. And sadly, that's what you are.