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post #16 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Really? Again!

This is very helpful. If I keep it all in my head alone it's so easy to down play it or make it seem like maybe it wasn't a big deal. It feels like a bigger deal to tell other people about it. I haven't told anyone yet. I know therapy would be good for me but I haven't got around to it yet. My H gives a hard no to MC but not sure MC will fix much.

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post #17 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
This is very helpful. If I keep it all in my head alone it's so easy to down play it or make it seem like maybe it wasn't a big deal. It feels like a bigger deal to tell other people about it. I haven't told anyone yet. I know therapy would be good for me but I haven't got around to it yet. My H gives a hard no to MC but not sure MC will fix much.
I am speaking from a very similar experience. My husband had an EA (supposedly just that) 4.5 years ago. We rugswept the whole thing, and he refused MC. We have one young son. Like you, I have other gripes with my husband. He can be critical (and cruelly so). Also like you, there's an issue with ED on his part. Also like you, I have the ability to see good qualities in my husband, which complicates the decision. It wouldn't be complicated though if he had another affair.

I have become so resentful that part of me is HOPING to find evidence of another affair, to have an ironclad reason to end it. You have that now.
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post #18 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Really? Again!

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I am speaking from a very similar experience. My husband had an EA (supposedly just that) 4.5 years ago. We rugswept the whole thing, and he refused MC. We have one young son. Like you, I have other gripes with my husband. He can be critical (and cruelly so). Also like you, there's an issue with ED on his part. Also like you, I have the ability to see good qualities in my husband, which complicates the decision. It wouldn't be complicated though if he had another affair.

I have become so resentful that part of me is HOPING to find evidence of another affair, to have an ironclad reason to end it. You have that now.
Its difficult to know if there was an EA this time. Certainly the potential or he was possibly looking to an have another EA. I feel like going some place with her even if in public and even if nothing romantic happens it's a breach in our marriage because the one rule I insisted on was him telling me about any contact he had with her. He didn't tell me she was coming around again, didn't tell me she need help finding these things, didn't tell me he was going to meet her because he thought I would never
know. He says he knows screwed up and jeopardized our life together and now he knows better.

The only reason I pause is because he is acting like he wants to make things better. Last time he didn't. Its hard to pass that up. He has never been able to maintain a front of loving supportive husband for more than a few weeks so maybe I will know for sure then. He asks me what I want him to do and I don't know. He really can't do anything to make it better.

Maybe I will just stop imaking excuses for him and tell him to find an apartment. I haven't decided for sure what the next step is. Just trying to keep my feet on the ground. I am going to talk to him tonight about at least finding an apartment. That is probably the next step.
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post #19 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.

5 years age my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.

A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.

Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.

He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.

I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.

We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.

I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.

My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.

We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.

Thanks for listening.

He is lying through his teeth.
Get a good bulldog of a lawyer.
Blow up his world and tell family and friends what he has been doing. All of it, do not cover for him. It is not your shame or burden to carry.
You will never have peace in this marriage, he has shown you who he is and you have taken 5 years to believe him.

Build a new life for yourself, divorce him, no second chances, you will only find yourself in this place again in another few years.
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post #20 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:43 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by threelittlestars View Post
Same woman? 5 Years since first situation and now?

Honestly your husband DID NOT LEARN THE LAST TIME. he is back in the affair.

Really? you want to keep trying? While he was willingly in contact, no email or phone just verbal because HE REALLY REALLY REALLY does not want you to know.

Do you know what might work? Dropping him like a hot potato, she is pursuing him and he LIKES IT. He also LIKES THAT YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON HIM! this man is an ego kibble junkie. As long as she makes him feel good and he does not dig into why he is messed up and wanting those feelings there is no point to keep working at this. She will just keep chipping away at the armor you have on your marriage. The armor your husband soaks in the salty ocean to rust away as fast as possible.

He does not care about your feelings only so far as he can keep you ignorant. As far as her, he has not drawn the line in the sand. BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO!

Dropping him will cut of half the ego kibble supply, He will have to chose her because his wife walked out. He will finally see this other woman for a predator and he was a stupid weak prey. Prey that stares right at the big wolf instead of being smart and running for safety. He will see less of his kids, and will also see your strength.

Only when he really SEES WHAT HE THREW AWAY, only then is he even close to worthy of another try.

I have kids, I am not saying this without understanding the difficult position you find yourself still in.
This man is NOT worthy of another try, he has treated the OP as disposable, time for her to grow an pair and dump his ass instead of playing the 'pick me' dance. Hopefully when she does, she will realize she was far too good for him all along and will not want him back under any circumstances.
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post #21 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
Its difficult to know if there was an EA this time. Certainly the potential or he was possibly looking to an have another EA. I feel like going some place with her even if in public and even if nothing romantic happens it's a breach in our marriage because the one rule I insisted on was him telling me about any contact he had with her. He didn't tell me she was coming around again, didn't tell me she need help finding these things, didn't tell me he was going to meet her because he thought I would never
know. He says he knows screwed up and jeopardized our life together and now he knows better.

The only reason I pause is because he is acting like he wants to make things better. Last time he didn't. Its hard to pass that up. He has never been able to maintain a front of loving supportive husband for more than a few weeks so maybe I will know for sure then. He asks me what I want him to do and I don't know. He really can't do anything to make it better.

Maybe I will just stop imaking excuses for him and tell him to find an apartment. I haven't decided for sure what the next step is. Just trying to keep my feet on the ground. I am going to talk to him tonight about at least finding an apartment. That is probably the next step.
Starsare falling, you are making excuses, he has no business being in contact with the OW at all. What on earth are you waiting for, to catch them in bed together?
Sorry for the bluntness but you have all the evidence you need. He doesn't care about your feelings, he doesn't care about you at all as long as his ego is stroked. Pull the plug now. He will still have to be responsible to you and the kid. Get a lawyer and find out your options and please tell everyone you know, you have allowed his activities by hiding them and being complicit in doing so, expose expose! He needs a major reality check so expose.

He feels you getting stronger and pulling away, so he is keeping you as Plan B, that is why he is reeling you in pretending to want to make it work. If he really wanted to make it work, he wouldn't be within 50 miles of the OW, when are you gonna realise this?

Last edited by aine; 04-17-2017 at 07:53 PM. Reason: to add
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post #22 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

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My H gives a hard no to MC but not sure MC will fix much.
This shows that he isn't remorseful and not afraid of losing you. Be polite, but emotionally and mentally distant to him while you decide your next step. If he asks why you are distant, tell him that you have accepted that he doesn't really love you. Avoid any long talks for awhile. He needs to realize that you are dead serious about leaving him. If he doesn't seem to care, that makes it easier for you to avoid second guessing yourself.
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post #23 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
Very bad. We had sex once or twice in the last year and maybe a handful of times the year before that. When ever I bring it up he deflects the problem to me saying I was never interest in sex that much when we were younger so what does it matter now or makes me feel bad for even being it up. This would be the main reason I have considered leaving him within the last few years. I had been thinking he probably had erectile disfunction and was too embarrassed to discuss it. He wants to just have a sexless marriage now. He is 38 btw.

I know. It's embarrassing how awful everything is.
There are some hard truths you need to face, TheStarsAreFalling.

First, this affair was - and still IS - very much physical between he and the OW. It's the height of naivete to think 'it never got physical' as you stated in your original post.

Secondly, he never STOPPED the affair 5 years ago. D-Day for sure put a crimp in their goings-on, and maybe it did scare the OW off for a while. But it was clearly never his intention to stop the affair. Ever. And when he told you he didn't want you to come back when you returned after 3 months, that should have been ALL you needed to know it was time to lawyer up.

Instead, you did the humiliating and degrading 'pick me' dance and jumped all over like a trained seal, desperately seeking his love and approval. You never got it and instead heard all about how you don't clean good enough or what a cold fish you are and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you or how you need to 'admire' him more or that you're not into his hobbies and on and on. What a complete selfish ******* this guy is. He's so self-absorbed he thinks the whole damned world revolves around HIM. But then again, he's a got a wife who clings to him like grim death no matter what he says or does to her, and another woman willing to waste YEARS of her life on this flaming ass-clown, so I guess I can see where he gets that false sense of self importance.

Quote:
My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.
Well, this is probably due to one of two reasons - either SHE is no longer interested in winning this 'prize' on a full time basis, or your husband took a trip to his lawyer and found out just how much it would cost him to get a divorce. There are a lot of men out there who have gotten a dose of reality at their attorney's office and have returned home suddenly much more desirous of 'working on the marriage' than they were before they talked to a lawyer.

And you're right - he's probably gotten himself a burner phone and is no longer using his cell phone to stay in touch with her. So it's no skin off his back to suddenly be 'transparent' with you.

You couldn't pay me enough money to settle for being this guy's Plan B. And sadly, that's what you are.
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post #24 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

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My H gives a hard no to MC but not sure MC will fix much.
So you're STILL letting him call all the shots?

Marriage counseling is pointless anyway when you're going with someone whose still lying and cheating. That's why he doesn't want to go, because he'd have to continually lie convincingly for a whole hour every session, and he's not confident enough he could pull it off. Or, he's afraid the counselor will see right through him like most of us can.

You're wasting your time 'reconciling' with this guy. Sadly, the time will come when you make this discovery yourself.
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post #25 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

Wow, what a worthless piece of crap! Find your lady ballz and tell him to get the HELL OUT. I could tell by your description of the FIRST time that he wasnt going to be faithful to you. Have some self respect and divorce this man!

Oh and stop thinking about future relationships! You need to figure out how to live your life! Nobody NEEDS a relationship, and you thinking that you do shows that you have some serious issues of your own. Being on your own beats the hell out of staying with a serial, remorseless cheat ANY DAY!


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #26 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Part of the issue is that I doubt any relationship after this will great. Maybe all relationships are tolerable at best after so many years. This is the only relationship I have ever had and I have never broken up with anyone. I met him at 18 and married a year later. Our parents are gone now, we are each other's family. It's hard to turn my back even when it makes sense. I like my life and I feel like divorcing him jeopardized my life, friends, schedule, house and support system for our child. I am worried that our child is getting old enough to notice the dysfunction.
No, the issue is you are so codependent on some cheating scumbag that you'd rather put up with him screwing the same woman in a long term affair (and you are delusional if you do not believe he hasn't been boning her for years) than muster up enough self respect to leave this POS.

He's shown you CLEARLY who he is. You admit you are too scared to start over so the problem is YOU not him. Stop making excuses and take some accountability in your life. If you stay with this loser then you have no one to blame for your misery other than YOURSELF.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

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post #27 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Part of the issue is that I doubt any relationship after this will great. Maybe all relationships are tolerable at best after so many years. This is the only relationship I have ever had and I have never broken up with anyone. I met him at 18 and married a year later. Our parents are gone now, we are each other's family. It's hard to turn my back even when it makes sense. I like my life and I feel like divorcing him jeopardized my life, friends, schedule, house and support system for our child. I am worried that our child is getting old enough to notice the dysfunction.
No, the issue is you are so codependent on some cheating scumbag that you'd rather put up with him screwing the same woman in a long term affair (and you are delusional if you do not believe he hasn't been boning her for years) than muster up enough self respect to leave this POS.

He's shown you CLEARLY who he is. You admit you are too scared to start over so the problem is YOU not him. Stop making excuses and take some accountability in your life. If you stay with this loser then you have no one to blame for your misery other than YOURSELF.
I am much less co dependent than I used to be but still have so much more to improve. You are correct that the problem is me and getting up the confidence to separate. I don't really expect much from my H, especially when it comes to what is best for me.

It is just taking me a few days to digest and figure out what to do next. He acted remorseful at first but the old routines are slipping in and it makes me upset. We don't get to move on like nothing happened.

I am unwilling to change anything about me for him. Just last night he seemed remorseful then started up with the ways I need to change including decorating for Easter. I haven't put away the easter table cloth yet. I had to remind him that this week has been a bad week for me, rememeber? Oh yeah.

It's helpful to hear it from other people and last night was a reminder that even if he appears remorseful it's doesn't run very deep.
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post #28 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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I appreciate your bluntness. He really had no business see her outside of work at all. He should have told me about all of this before I found out. If it was all innocent why hide it? He didn't think I would find out. That was the same excuse he used last time.

I don't think it was an ongoing affair but doesn't it really matter? He keeps important secrets from me and I can't trust him. I told him 5 years ago that if I caught him communicating with her behind my back it would be over.

There is no doubt that his life with me is better than his life without me will be. I run most of our life's, pay our bills, keep in touch with friends and family. I took care of his parents when they died. Last time I told our friends and family what was happening and when we divorce they will all know even if I don't say anything this time. His life will suck until he finds another women to take care of him. Probably will find comfort with the same OW and she will be my child's step mom. Sorry, I will try not to go there until I have too.
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post #29 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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I am unwilling to change anything about me for him. Just last night he seemed remorseful then started up with the ways I need to change including decorating for Easter. I haven't put away the easter table cloth yet. I had to remind him that this week has been a bad week for me, rememeber? Oh yeah.

It's helpful to hear it from other people and last night was a reminder that even if he appears remorseful it's doesn't run very deep.
Ways you need to change?? Decorating for Easter?? I just can't process this bs...
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post #30 of 108 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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I appreciate your bluntness. He really had no business see her outside of work at all. He should have told me about all of this before I found out. If it was all innocent why hide it? He didn't think I would find out. That was the same excuse he used last time.

I don't think it was an ongoing affair but doesn't it really matter? He keeps important secrets from me and I can't trust him. I told him 5 years ago that if I caught him communicating with her behind my back it would be over.

There is no doubt that his life with me is better than his life without me will be. I run most of our life's, pay our bills, keep in touch with friends and family. I took care of his parents when they died. Last time I told our friends and family what was happening and when we divorce they will all know even if I don't say anything this time. His life will suck until he finds another women to take care of him. Probably will find comfort with the same OW and she will be my child's step mom. Sorry, I will try not to go there until I have too.
Well then, you best follow up with this, or you have ZERO credibility, and he will continue to do whatever the hell he wants to because he knows you wont do anything.

He should have told you the very second she made contact with him. But they have probably been in touch all along...

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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