Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.
5 years age my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.
A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.
Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.
He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.
I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.
We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.
I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.
My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.
We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for your post.
There are obviously a lot of people here who probably advocate you leaving your marriage and based on the evidence, you would be well within your right to do so. However, i'm a big believer in trying to restore the relationship if there is a possibility and in all honesty, the comments that he made does suggest that he is potentially open to it.
It's extremely important for guys to get their ego stroked regulatly and it's one of those things that doesn't happen enough. Just to be clear, i'm not sitting in the male camp and just defending them. I also see so many guys lacking in their ability to provide genuine presence and making a woman feel understood but I think it's really important for both men and women to understand each others needs and make a commitment to serving them. If we can just learn to get out of our own ways and serve with love, things can change so quickly.
Obviously, your husband has acted like a bit of an idiot with some of his behaviour and he needs to really make a conscious effort to turn things around - of which I hope he does.
However, you can definitely play your part here as well which I know might seem frustrating. In fact, there might even be a part of you that completely resists it at times because of what he did but in order to turn this around, compassion does need to be exercised...
Find ways to make him feel significant, unique, special etc so that he creates some positive associations using your time together. If you can strike the right cords, then change can occur in him. Then if you can both meet each others needs at extraordinary levels, then you have a relationship that will last a long time. It's not easy and it takes effort. It's easy to go down the cynical path here but it's about striking the right balance between optimism/love yet being vigilant at the same time.
I hope that all makes sense.
Any questions, let me know.