Really? Again! - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 138Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:11 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,593
Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Nothing wrong with a divorce. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for the last 4 years of my 8 year marriage. It's a sham. It eats at you slowly and you try to convince yourself you can live like this until your kids turn 18. I read No More Mr Nice Guy, got mad, and left. I was having sex with girls the next day from my new extended stay hotel temporary home. I'm having the best sex of my life now and bought a house with the girl of my dreams 16 months post separation. Get busy living life to the fullest. Only one life. Don't waste it.
I always meant to ask you. How is your EXW doing? Did she re-marry? Is she going through a string of men or is she not dating at all.

I know you do not care. But I also know that you have some curiosity about her. I am curious. Did she learn from her "mistakes"?


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Nothing wrong with a divorce. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for the last 4 years of my 8 year marriage. It's a sham. It eats at you slowly and you try to convince yourself you can live like this until your kids turn 18. I read No More Mr Nice Guy, got mad, and left. I was having sex with girls the next day from my new extended stay hotel temporary home. I'm having the best sex of my life now and bought a house with the girl of my dreams 16 months post separation. Get busy living life to the fullest. Only one life. Don't waste it.
I always meant to ask you. How is your EXW doing? Did she re-marry? Is she going through a string of men or is she not dating at all.

I know you do not care. But I also know that you have some curiosity about her. I am curious. Did she learn from her "mistakes"?

She has been in a long term relationship for 13 years that recently ended. My H says she has lots of guy friends and texts lots of men some who are also married. They are all just "friendly." He said she is one of those girls who just like male friends better than female friends. H doesn't think she is single but says she was crying about her break up from the long term bf.

I called her last time twice to let know how her actions hurt me. She did seem scared of me, said my H implied our marriage was over. She seemed naive and dumb. ( more than me) The text messages I read 5 years ago were flirtatious but not obscene. I didn't see all the text messages just the ones he saved as a record. I did know that the both stayed up all night texting and my H had to called into work the next day. I was out of town. When I called her she told me how much my husband said he loved me and wanted to work things out with me. H was not telling me this at the time. She even offered to be a mediator of sorts to help my H and I work things out. Is she crazy!? I don't want her to be a councilor for us!

I insisted my H talk to her and let her know there would no friendship from him outside of work and to tell her I know about the times they met recently. He said she was shocked and mad at him because she thought it would be ok. How on Earth would it be ok with me. Sure, sure meet up my H out of work for some shopping. Someone is either dumb or lying.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #48 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:28 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,984
Re: Really? Again!

From everything you've written, you sound like the housekeeper - you keep the house, take care of other things domestic, have no sex with the 'man of the house.'

I think you're settling for a mediocre (at best) marriage. You don't have to settle! You can straighten your spine, put on your big girl panties, lace up your ***** boots, and show your WH the door.

He's a liar who doesn't love you or respect you for who you are. And you stay with this. Why would you do that? Why would you settle for this? How do you see yourself five years from now? If it's with him, then it's the same old **** - a husband who grudgingly stays in the marriage, but can't bring himself to be a decent husband.

I would toss him overboard. Life is too short. It really, really is.

Go visit the Chumplady and feel empowered:

https://www.chumplady.com

As she says, 'Leave a cheater. Gain a life!'

Last edited by alte Dame; 04-19-2017 at 10:32 PM.
alte Dame is offline  
 
post #49 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:37 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
I know this might be annoying to keep saying this but I am writing this for myself to read it later as well as get the harsh reality told to me.

I am reading Surving the Affair and it is crushing any tiny hope I had. The ways WS start affairs and hide affairs and how the are discovered. It makes my H seem guilty guilty guilty. Super hard to believe. I just can't. It's like all my hurt and anger is retroactive. All the hurt and anger from 5 years ago has come back with interest. I don't know if he really did just causally met her in a public place TWICE in the last month. That act brings all of it back. Now I have 5 years of unaccounted time, I have no real idea to if he ended it or not since he refused to let me see his texts and email at the time and I stopped asking since it was too upsetting.

I have felt that he isn't taking me as seriously as he should. He has to quit his job or get out. Pick on or the other. He won't do it, he loves his job. It gives me a way to get a separation but not be unreasonable. I let him stay at his job around her last time and it is the only way I will even consider any R. I am doubting any R because I doubt my ability to be that understanding. That's my goal today. Wish me luck.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #50 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:07 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,593
Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
I insisted my H talk to EXW and let her know there would no friendship from him outside of work and to tell her I know about the times they met recently. He said she was shocked and mad at him because she thought it would be ok. How on Earth would it be ok with me. Sure, sure meet up my H out of work for some shopping. Someone is either dumb or lying.
She is dumb, For sure.
No sense of boundaries.

For sure your' husband is a liar.
And dumb for thinking you are dumb.
And boundary senseless.
He does not care...until it becomes necessary to care.
A color blind chameleon, he be. He could not hide a toothpick in a pine forest.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #51 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 01:29 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
And he STILL CHEATED AGAIN. Therefore it didnt work last time, and it wouldnt work this time either.
Yep. Because going into overdrive to cater to someone who's just cheated on you is actually rewarding bad behavior. Of course the wayward spouse likes it! They screwed their spouse over and got extra goodies out of the deal! But it's a ghastly plan if you don't want your partner to cheat on you again. Because it sends the very clear message that the "price" of cheating is a more loving, devoted, slavish, spouse who will stop and nothing to please their cheating partner in every way.

Honestly, if that was going on in response to the first time she caught him, I'm pretty surprised it took the OP's husband this long (if it actually did) to cheat again.
I would say this is pretty accurate right now. I have to remind him nearly everyday that I am deciding if I want a divorce but I don't think he believes I am serious. I have asked to check his phone and iPad the last few days but it was mostly to see how he would react. He let me but eveytime he hovers and acts nervous. The last time he wanted to know why I want to see his phone, am I going to do this everyday? He said he didn't want me to download anything on his phone. Pretty sure this is a red flag. I ask him if he really wants to make things better. He will give me a hug and said "I am here aren't I?" Always answering questions with questions. Isn't that a red flag?

His new found remorse slips away frequently. I admit I push his buttons and bring up topics I know he will rant about because it's a reminder of how shallow his remorse is. He will get mad and blame me for something, not concerned about hurting my feelings at all. Seems so careless. Yesterday went so badly that I could feel myself hardening my heart toward him. He made some comments about him not understanding what I am so upset about anyway. If he can't understand what he did wrong then I can expect him to do it again. I just don't see R in our future even if I tried. I don't like to fight and I let things go so often maybe he really thinks I will be ok with this.

Why is this so hard to admit and take action?
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #52 of 104 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 06:54 PM
Member
 
Moonshadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 641
Re: Really? Again!

Run for the hills.
He won't change.

"We just kissed".
Moonshadow is offline  
post #53 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 02:34 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,059
Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
I would say this is pretty accurate right now. I have to remind him nearly everyday that I am deciding if I want a divorce but I don't think he believes I am serious. I have asked to check his phone and iPad the last few days but it was mostly to see how he would react. He let me but eveytime he hovers and acts nervous. The last time he wanted to know why I want to see his phone, am I going to do this everyday? He said he didn't want me to download anything on his phone. Pretty sure this is a red flag. I ask him if he really wants to make things better. He will give me a hug and said "I am here aren't I?" Always answering questions with questions. Isn't that a red flag?

His new found remorse slips away frequently. I admit I push his buttons and bring up topics I know he will rant about because it's a reminder of how shallow his remorse is. He will get mad and blame me for something, not concerned about hurting my feelings at all. Seems so careless. Yesterday went so badly that I could feel myself hardening my heart toward him. He made some comments about him not understanding what I am so upset about anyway. If he can't understand what he did wrong then I can expect him to do it again. I just don't see R in our future even if I tried. I don't like to fight and I let things go so often maybe he really thinks I will be ok with this.

Why is this so hard to admit and take action?
Ok this that I bolded tells you everything you need to know! He has the nerve question WHY you want to see his phone?? Really?? Tell him YES, youre goddam RIGHT I am going to check this phone, and if I want to download anything on it, I WILL, and you dont get to say a damn word about it!

He has NO REMORSE. NONE. Just the fact that he gets nervous about his phone and questions your motive is in-your-face PROOF of this. He doesnt care that he hurt you and is looking to do it again.

GO FILE!!!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #54 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:14 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
There as been a change in H the last week or so after a serious discussion. He is being helpful and understanding. He read half of Surviving Affair. He isn't fighting back or blaming me. Really takes all my fight out. H admits he wasn't thinking about what he was risking by resting up with OW even if it was an impersonal quick meeting. This doesn't exactly help me because who wants to be committed to someone who doesn't think about the consequences of his actions.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #55 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 05:27 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,926
Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
The idea that I need to make him feel better and help his ego in order to save my marriage can work. It did work. It saved my marriage last time. I read a book called Your Husbands Midlife Crisis by Sally and Jim Conway. It talked a lot about the needs of men and if you are loving to them they will come back. I am not saying it's all wrong, just that it's terrible advice to codependants. We already very naturally do anything to be loving. This builds up a lot of resentment when it's not returned that comes out in unrelated but punishing ways.

Trust me 5 years ago I made a perfect fool of myself initially to "get him back." I would tell him something he did everyday that I was grateful for, I tried to read up about his hobbies and talk to him about it, I tried harder to keep the house clean, I lost most of the baby weight that I gained, we still had a sex life back then, he insisted on sleeping on the floor so I did too. He would get mad if I tried to talk to him too much when he got home from work so I would just shut up and give him "cave time." I don't know how long this lasted maybe several months to a couple of years. All I wanted was to spend time together out of the house and to have no yelling or swearing. For the most part I was granted that. I learned about boundaries, codependency, and my narssistic mother, etc.

5 years later I am very independent but open to doing things with H. I have boundaries. Some are finainacial and some are personal. I am not sacrificing things that make me happy and I should not have too. Even though I am not as sweet to him as I used to be he is already more invested in saving are marriage than last time. This tells me is likes the independent woman more than the one that caters to him.
He may well prefer independent women but he is still cheating on you. He has trampled over you the last time, you changed and again he trampled on you. He didn't change much he still cheats. How much more are you going to put up with?

aine is online now  
post #56 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
I really wanted to know that I tried everything I could to save our marriage. I feel that I gave everything I had. If that didn't make him happy then nothing I did ever would. Even though part of me wants to see how far his new remorse goes, it's really all the same story. I already did the R and I don't have another 5 years to "try" again. He says it was a bad idea to meet OW outside of work but it runs deeper.

I don't like to focus on what might be happening behind my back because it just makes me sick. I don't think anything much happened either time but it's still a huge betrayal to me. He intended to leave me with a 6 month old while I cared for his disabled mother and he used the support from OW to give him confidence to do it. Truthfully I lost alot of respect for him after that. Throwing away our current life so he could spend 20 mins helping the same OW is just beyond understanding. He tries to make it sound better by saying he was sure not to start texting her again. Doesn't he know secretly meeting her outside of work is much worse than texting? My H is a very smart guy so this makes no sense.

He doesn't like me digging into his phone and I hate being with someone I need to do that with. It really doesn't help because there are so many ways to hide it and he can always just talk to her at work. Nothing helps.

The injustice! I supported him through all the tough times in his life and his support was crappy. I supported him ( at least financially) through school, parents dying, military deployment, and now it's mostly behind us. The next girl gets it easy.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #57 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 08:57 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,374
Re: Really? Again!

She will get someone who doesn't think of the consequences before he acts. She will get someone who will likely cheat on her when the newness wears off and he's bored again.

You are the one who wins.
Openminded is offline  
post #58 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 09:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,374
Re: Really? Again!

Not that he couldn't cheat with her if he weren't working with her but that proximity makes it so much easier. I only thought my ex-husband ended his affair with a woman who reported to him. Far from it.
Openminded is offline  
post #59 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 10:43 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,988
Re: Really? Again!

There is a hard truth that many people don't want to face. People like your husband are broken and toxic. They don't think like you or me. They are not good investment to have long term relationships with. They are basically emotionally retarded. Some with some very hard work can improve but even then for most it seems more like learning cues of behavior like a system they have been taught. Like someone with Aspergers can learn to ask questions and smile to make general conversation. They will never have the same kind of communication that someone without it has. They just follow patterns. They just don't have that ability in them. In the same way people like your husband's main focus will always be on themselves.

Now I am sure I will be attacked for saying it but go read on any board where cheaters post freely. They just don't think the way you would expect. They struggle daily with the very basics of truthfulness and empathy. Again the very few can change but your husband has proven he is not one of those few. It takes a strong daily commitment. It has to become a part of their identity. Very few people have that in them. Even still you are settling on a life of living with a recovering person. Kind of like living with an alcoholic. There is always the risk of relapse.

Look up sunk cost fallacy. That is where you are at now. You are wasting your life away expecting something better from someone who doesn't have the ability to give you better. The problem is not his actions it's his nature. Time is a commodity you can never get back. Once it's gone it's gone. It's a commodity you are wasting.

The good news is there are really good people out there who are good investments to share your life with. Over and over you read post from people who finally decided to leave the person who was abusing them, and over and over they will say they never knew how good life could be without a toxic person as the primary person in their life.

Someone posted this yesterday. This is not unusual but actually the norm.

Just like these types of posts tend to be the norm if people stay. Others will vehemently disagree but I would ask you how has it worked out for you so far? You have been trying to reconcile, what is your experience? What in my comments here doesn't ring true from your own experience?

Your life won't get better until you give up an leave.
sokillme is offline  
post #60 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 77
No it hasnt worked out so far. I think I have lost my anger to disappointment and sadness. Even when he is nice to me it feels fake at this point. I kissed him the other night just to see how it would go. It felt like I was kissing him and he was letting me. Don't remember kissing being so difficult. Our child's birthday is in a few weeks so I am kind of holding out for that. I can almost face divorce if I don't think about losing my H. He will probably be around for our child as much as he is now. We are already co parenting, speaking only a few mins a day most just about that. Trying to focus on having a good co parenting relationship.

It's painful to break up but it's painful to stay. He doesn't want more kids, he is ok in a sexless marriage and now I can't trust him. It's all too much. I want to think I can be tough enough but I still might end up back were I started anyway.

There might be other men out there for me but I feel I have to risk just being alone. If I can't be alone then I will jump into another bad relationship. Co dependents find someone else to take advantage.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome