I know this might be annoying to keep saying this but I am writing this for myself to read it later as well as get the harsh reality told to me.
I am reading Surving the Affair and it is crushing any tiny hope I had. The ways WS start affairs and hide affairs and how the are discovered. It makes my H seem guilty guilty guilty. Super hard to believe. I just can't. It's like all my hurt and anger is retroactive. All the hurt and anger from 5 years ago has come back with interest. I don't know if he really did just causally met her in a public place TWICE in the last month. That act brings all of it back. Now I have 5 years of unaccounted time, I have no real idea to if he ended it or not since he refused to let me see his texts and email at the time and I stopped asking since it was too upsetting.
I have felt that he isn't taking me as seriously as he should. He has to quit his job or get out. Pick on or the other. He won't do it, he loves his job. It gives me a way to get a separation but not be unreasonable. I let him stay at his job around her last time and it is the only way I will even consider any R. I am doubting any R because I doubt my ability to be that understanding. That's my goal today. Wish me luck.