Really? Again! - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
He tries to make it sound better by saying he was sure not to start texting her again. Doesn't he know secretly meeting her outside of work is much worse than texting? My H is a very smart guy so this makes no sense.

The next girl gets it easy.

No. The next girl gets a highly polished turd. You'll get freedom.

My exbf used to do it too: "well you didn't say I couldn't do xy and z, you only said I couldn't do a." It was exhausting. And more important, it was 100% bull****. A healthy and respectful relationship doesn't require such mental gymnastics.


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post #62 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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No it hasnt worked out so far. I think I have lost my anger to disappointment and sadness. Even when he is nice to me it feels fake at this point. I kissed him the other night just to see how it would go. It felt like I was kissing him and he was letting me. Don't remember kissing being so difficult. Our child's birthday is in a few weeks so I am kind of holding out for that. I can almost face divorce if I don't think about losing my H. He will probably be around for our child as much as he is now. We are already co parenting, speaking only a few mins a day most just about that. Trying to focus on having a good co parenting relationship.

It's painful to break up but it's painful to stay. He doesn't want more kids, he is ok in a sexless marriage and now I can't trust him. It's all too much. I want to think I can be tough enough but I still might end up back were I started anyway.

There might be other men out there for me but I feel I have to risk just being alone. If I can't be alone then I will jump into another bad relationship. Co dependents find someone else to take advantage.
You are on the right track. Better your child grow up in a separated marriage then live in a broken one. This is not usual today and plenty of people have gone through it and lived productive lives with good marriages.
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post #63 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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No. The next girl gets a highly polished turd. You'll get freedom.

My exbf used to do it too: "well you didn't say I couldn't do xy and z, you only said I couldn't do a." It was exhausting. And more important, it was 100% bull****. A healthy and respectful relationship doesn't require such mental gymnastics.


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THIS THIS THIS.......and so many of us have settled for this crap too, you are young OP, don't do it!
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post #64 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 09:27 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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No it hasnt worked out so far. I think I have lost my anger to disappointment and sadness. Even when he is nice to me it feels fake at this point. I kissed him the other night just to see how it would go. It felt like I was kissing him and he was letting me. Don't remember kissing being so difficult. Our child's birthday is in a few weeks so I am kind of holding out for that. I can almost face divorce if I don't think about losing my H. He will probably be around for our child as much as he is now. We are already co parenting, speaking only a few mins a day most just about that. Trying to focus on having a good co parenting relationship.

It's painful to break up but it's painful to stay. He doesn't want more kids, he is ok in a sexless marriage and now I can't trust him. It's all too much. I want to think I can be tough enough but I still might end up back were I started anyway.

There might be other men out there for me but I feel I have to risk just being alone. If I can't be alone then I will jump into another bad relationship. Co dependents find someone else to take advantage.
The Stars, of course you are going into sadness, this happens when you get through the shock, then anger and begin to accept that your relationship is not what it was or what you had hoped for it. Surprisingly after you get through this awareness phase, it will be acceptance and you will be able to move on and upwards. You are now mourning the 'death' of your marriage and the 'death' of the man you thought your WH was.
YOU may not think it but you will be ok, you will extricate yourself from him and do what is right for you.
Keep moving forward.
YOu should seek IC for yourself and make a plan for what you want to do next, see a lawyer, check your options. If your WH is not doing anything to win you back, work on himself, you know this is not going anywhere.
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post #65 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-05-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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I really wanted to know that I tried everything I could to save our marriage. I feel that I gave everything I had. If that didn't make him happy then nothing I did ever would. Even though part of me wants to see how far his new remorse goes, it's really all the same story. I already did the R and I don't have another 5 years to "try" again. He says it was a bad idea to meet OW outside of work but it runs deeper.

I don't like to focus on what might be happening behind my back because it just makes me sick. I don't think anything much happened either time but it's still a huge betrayal to me. He intended to leave me with a 6 month old while I cared for his disabled mother and he used the support from OW to give him confidence to do it. Truthfully I lost alot of respect for him after that. Throwing away our current life so he could spend 20 mins helping the same OW is just beyond understanding. He tries to make it sound better by saying he was sure not to start texting her again. Doesn't he know secretly meeting her outside of work is much worse than texting? My H is a very smart guy so this makes no sense.

He doesn't like me digging into his phone and I hate being with someone I need to do that with. It really doesn't help because there are so many ways to hide it and he can always just talk to her at work. Nothing helps.

The injustice! I supported him through all the tough times in his life and his support was crappy. I supported him ( at least financially) through school, parents dying, military deployment, and now it's mostly behind us. The next girl gets it easy.

Know what you haven't tried? Giving up.

They say you need to be willing to lose the relationship to save it. Maybe you need to do the walking, and he needs to do the working. Walk away, bare min 6 months. Dont wait for him. Watch him work... You have not tried that.

Just a suggestion.
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post #66 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-06-2017, 02:21 AM Thread Starter
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@threelittlestars

The problem with giving up is that it is final. No six months separation just D. I already gave him 5 years to work on our relationship and I already left him once 5 years ago too for 4 months. Seems like his highest priority is to stay near our child not keep me. Not sure that is a good enough reason for me to stay married to him at this point. I told him many times I am not going to keep him from our child be he doesn't believe me.

Maybe it's unconscious but I don't think my H wants to be married to me. That is how he acts and often how he talks. He does just enough, the minimum requirement to keep the status quo. I do try and talk to him about how we are doing because I want us on the same page. He told me yesterday that he is uncertain of our future because he worries about me resenting him. Are you kidding me? He isn't all in right now? It's like he doesn't want to be the bad guy and insist on D so he will make me miserable enough to do it for him.

I HATE hurting him so it's very hard for me to be direct with him and be final. Maybe I am not communicating effectively. I reminded him as directly as I could that we have so many problems it's going to be very difficult if he isn't all in. Any doubts on his part means no. He has already shown me he is willing to lie and he is willing to keep important secrets from me. Big secrets. Because he is so secretive and private he can't prove his own innocence. Everything is deleted, he does most activities in the incognito mode and with apps to constantly change passwords he can't just hand over access to his devices. I do generally believe what he says happened but I don't think he is honest with himself. He feels bad that he has turned into someone like that. He tries to say meeting with OW was completely innocent and he has no interest in her.

I know what needs to be done it is just hard. I feel embarrassed and full of shame. Divorce goes against everything I was taught and even the culture of our friends and family. It's humiliating to have my H be so uncertain about me after 15 years. I wonder if I am not pretty enough, thin enough. My personality isn't fun enough. He has criticized me for not breast feeding long enough. H has told me lots of times that he thinks pregnant women are gross. His sex drive really started dying after our child was born. OW is a year older than me and has never had kids.

I need to separate our finances all the way. H is taking advantage of me paying bills. It would be nice to keep things in limbo until after or child's birthday. Just need to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the sand.

Probably should look into IC. Surely the fact I will put up with this is a sign I need lots of help. Married my H at 19 to get away from my narssistic mother.
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post #67 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-06-2017, 03:19 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

[QUOTE=Thestarsarefalling;17847553]@threelittlestars

The problem with giving up is that it is final. No six months separation just D. I already gave him 5 years to work on our relationship and I already left him once 5 years ago too for 4 months. Seems like his highest priority is to stay near our child not keep me. Not sure that is a good enough reason for me to stay married to him at this point. I told him many times I am not going to keep him from our child be he doesn't believe me.

Maybe it's unconscious but I don't think my H wants to be married to me. That is how he acts and often how he talks. He does just enough, the minimum requirement to keep the status quo. I do try and talk to him about how we are doing because I want us on the same page. He told me yesterday that he is uncertain of our future because he worries about me resenting him. Are you kidding me? He isn't all in right now? It's like he doesn't want to be the bad guy and insist on D so he will make me miserable enough to do it for him.

I HATE hurting him so it's very hard for me to be direct with him and be final. Maybe I am not communicating effectively. I reminded him as directly as I could that we have so many problems it's going to be very difficult if he isn't all in. Any doubts on his part means no. He has already shown me he is willing to lie and he is willing to keep important secrets from me. Big secrets. Because he is so secretive and private he can't prove his own innocence. Everything is deleted, he does most activities in the incognito mode and with apps to constantly change passwords he can't just hand over access to his devices. I do generally believe what he says happened but I don't think he is honest with himself. He feels bad that he has turned into someone like that. He tries to say meeting with OW was completely innocent and he has no interest in her.

I know what needs to be done it is just hard. I feel embarrassed and full of shame. Divorce goes against everything I was taught and even the culture of our friends and family. It's humiliating to have my H be so uncertain about me after 15 years. I wonder if I am not pretty enough, thin enough. My personality isn't fun enough. He has criticized me for not breast feeding long enough. H has told me lots of times that he thinks pregnant women are gross. His sex drive really started dying after our child was born. OW is a year older than me and has never had kids.

I need to separate our finances all the way. H is taking advantage of me paying bills. It would be nice to keep things in limbo until after or child's birthday. Just need to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the sand.

Probably should look into IC. Surely the fact I will put up with this is a sign I need lots of help. Married my H at 19 to get away from my narssistic mother.[/QUOTE]

The clue as to why you put up with all of this, there in your last line.
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post #68 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-06-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

I stayed decades longer in my marriage than I should have. Why? I believed him when he said he would change. I wanted my child to grow up with his parents together. There were no divorces in my family and I didn't want to be the first. The list goes on. Was it worth it? My son says not. He wishes I had gotten a divorce after I discovered the first round of cheating. I wish I had too.
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post #69 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-06-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

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Originally Posted by threelittlestars View Post
Know what you haven't tried? Giving up.

They say you need to be willing to lose the relationship to save it. Maybe you need to do the walking, and he needs to do the working. Walk away, bare min 6 months. Don't wait for him. Watch him work... You have not tried that.

Just a suggestion.
Agreed. The only way you can have a real relationship at this point is giving it up and seeing if he can change.

And if your mom is truly narcissist, you would do better to spend time with a therapist to work on that stuff first, so you'll be better able to tell a good guy from a bad one.
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post #70 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Really? Again!

Your marriage that you have described is very much damaged. His efforts so far to be enough of a giver to help you out of your miserable state are very inadequate. The damage that you have is deep and you sound like you do not have the strength to overcome your damage concerning your relationship to your husband even if he does better.

You are still way to co-dependent and do not have enough self-confidence to start a new life without him. I would suggest that you totally concentrate on only you and your child and do not put any more of your strength in trying to see about getting the marriage better…You are approaching the state of being that it will boil down to him or you. You have to choose if you are going to do what you have to do to get yourself strong enough to be independent or you will slowly deteriorate into a door mat and not be much good to yourself, your child, one anyone else. It is time for you to be totally selfish in building yourself back up after your husband has torn you down to the ground. Your husband is not going to build you up so it is up to you. Get all the help that you can and make a short range and long range plan for you to be much more independent. You do not have to accomplish all your strength in a month or two as it may take a year or two. You are young and have a lot of life left so make time be your friend. Millions of women have done it and so can you.

Your current life is very unfulfilling and you are starved for real affection and support. I do not see your life getting any better as long as you are involved with your husband who is more of a taker than a giver.
The bottom line is that you must get the proper help and then commit to doing what you have to do so you can get a LOT better.

Do you have a short range and a long range plan?




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post #71 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your responses. I do have a short term plan. I want to separate finances and focus on paying down some debt. We can pay down debt better if my H stays in our house. He does do a lot of childcare so it's convenient too. I am concerned because we might fall into a routine that will be hard to break down the road but that's where we are.

A separation living together? Does that sound possible? It's not much different than what we have been doing the last year anyway. I just need to give up trying to fix our marriage or monitoring him at all. It will only make living together harder if I discover any new secrets. I am going to be reading more about co dependence and look for IC. Just started a good book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? For daughters of narssist mothers. It's very helpful so far.

Long term planning is beyond what I can think about. I imagine about 6 months to pay down debts and maybe divorce can be started during that time. My H is still coming to terms with the realization that I am not letting this slide like I let everything slide.
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post #72 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

I just discovered this guy today. Bookmarked him so I can start learning from him. Good stuff on narcissism and toxic shame.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...0RnHwE00eA35iO
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post #73 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Will you AT LEAST demand that he see no other women while living there? And that if you catch him doing so, he leaves immediately?
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post #74 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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There are lots of good channels on YouTube I have been following. The link you sent didn't work.

I can't check up on him, it's too hard and pulls me back into all the drama. Need to 180 as much as I can.
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post #75 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

I didn't say to check up on him. I said to demand that - in order for him to GET to stay in your home after what he did - HE MUST NOT CHEAT.

It's not that hard a concept for him to get. He can either STOP CHEATING or he can go out on the streets and figure out how to put a roof over his head. Cuz the money from working will be going to you and the kids. Your lawyer will see to that.

But nobody can make this happen except YOU.

It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and do what an ADULT and a MOTHER would do: protect her family from a predator.

And right now, HE is the predator.

If you have to ask for the help of your family and friends, his family, your priest, the tooth fairy, I don't care. Just make it happen.
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