Really? Again! - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 138Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:45 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,388
Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
There are lots of good channels on YouTube I have been following. The link you sent didn't work.

I can't check up on him, it's too hard and pulls me back into all the drama. Need to 180 as much as I can.
Try this link: https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...ach+narcissism

turnera is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 03:16 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
I know I am writing in two theads now so I should move to the other thread in the divorcing section called Really? Limbo?

I just wanted to share that I accidentally on purpose found the old text messages from my H to the OW. It was very triggering because they made references to meeting on a cold night, my H said he felt so "high" after their time together, if her BF was suspicious about her going out and when she downloaded some kind of software on their computer, my H admiring her passion for life and complaining about how I am afraid of everything. It was good I found it because it really motivated me to end it with my H. They were kind of mocking her BF. OW asked if I was suspicious. He was texting me, making plans to meet up with our friends, and texting her at the same time. So messed up. It's been a terrible roller coaster. Anytime I start to change my mind I am re reading email.

My H was using some kind of google voice with different number. Not sure if the texts I found where on the phone bill. Google voice app is a red flag.

I have been doing really well to focus on divorcing and it feels like I am sliding backward.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #78 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I just discovered this guy today. Bookmarked him so I can start learning from him. Good stuff on narcissism and toxic shame.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...0RnHwE00eA35iO
It's not showing up but I follow so many people on YouTube about narssism and co dependency I wonder if I have seen him. Just write in the channel and I will look it up, thanks!

Btw, other channels/podcasts about codependancy and narssism that I have liked include. They do help a lot.
Pandoras Box with Kaleah (YouTube and podcast)
Awaken with JP (YouTube)
Kati Morton (YouTube)
Lisa A Romano Break through life coach (YouTube)
Richard Grannon (YouTube)
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
 
post #79 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 02:55 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,919
Re: Really? Again!

Thestars are falling, how are you? Stick to your guns, you are doing well. You will have ups and downs, but that is par for the course, stick to what you are doing and you will get through this.

Incidentally, did you ever tell OW's boyfriend about all of this, you should. He ought to know what his GF is doing behind his back.
aine is offline  
post #80 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Thestars are falling, how are you? Stick to your guns, you are doing well. You will have ups and downs, but that is par for the course, stick to what you are doing and you will get through this.

Incidentally, did you ever tell OW's boyfriend about all of this, you should. He ought to know what his GF is doing behind his back.
Thanks for asking. My H says the OW and her BF broke up recently. In my crazy suspicions I wonder if the BF found out about my H and broke it off. Don't know. Trying not to care. When I looked the old messages over from 5 years ago they were almost mocking him for trusting her so much. Feel bad that I never told him because if he found something out I would have wanted him to tell me.

The fact that they recently broke up and my H wanted to take time out of work to "help her shop" makes it more suspicious.

I am pretty emotional but better today. The last few days I could hide how upset I was because I was crying most of the day. H was nice about it but it's not helping me detatch. Last time I kept having doubts about D. Pretty sure that is expected and I shouldn't listen to it. I looked up the phone bill but now I don't know if I could ask H about numbers right now. Maybe if I found new evidence it would help me feel better about my decision to D.

My H is being really good about D and giving me space to cope. He is doing more around the house and with our kid. He isn't defending himself but keeps asking how I am. I don't want to do anything to mess up our new relationship since we have to be around each other for a while. Don't know if I can really detatch while still living with him.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #81 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:01 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,984
Re: Really? Again!

Some people can face the reality of a dead relationship and just put everyone out of their misery. There are epic threads here and on other sites where the BS simply said 'no' and walked away into a new life. It was painful, but they come back to tell us that they did the right thing.

And then there are most of us, who can't cut the cord until our hearts are aligned with our heads. We think we can't do the hard thing, which is find the courage to end it. We are simply too fearful.

I get this. I have made plenty of decisions in my life that in retrospect I think were fueled by fear. What is true for me, though, is that living endlessly in the fear is harder than just making the decision and getting on with my life.

Otherwise, you are taking this to the bitter end when you are finally literally disgusted by him and happy to move on. At this point, your heart isn’t afraid anymore, but what have you done to your life? Life is not forever. By this time, you’ve eaten up years of potential happiness and contentment with the pain of living with a liar.

I think you can decide now to file and go or you can keep hemming and hawing. The end result is the same – you are no longer living with the husband who is unable to honor you

In-house separation? Waiting endlessly to get the famous ducks in a row? I certainly understand the issues of finances and logistics, but often these are excuses to continue to live in the fear.

What I most wish for you now is courage. As the famous Chumplady says, ‘Dump a cheater, gain a life.’ So very, very true. Why are you living in continuous pain because of him? Dump him decisively now.
alte Dame is offline  
post #82 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 649
Re: Really? Again!

^This, so much this.

I get the same impression. You dont want to let go. These ducks, are excuses (I THINK) to stay around him. Its fair to be afraid. Call it what it is. Its easier to face a fear you are no longer denying.

"We have to be around each other...." "Just until...." "Logistically its just not possible...." are flimsy excuses. There is a door, he should march his way out of it, and allow you to move on with your life. He is not being NICE, he is taking advantage of your weaknesses in regards to (Your Logistic reasons and feelings for him) its in his best interest to do it this way....and im telling you its not in your best interest...

But we all must do things our own way, and have our own moments of clarity and epiphanies. Trust me, once your roller coaster stops you will have a butt load of regrets on how this is all handled. (I know i have) But hopefully when you are reflecting you will still be free of this terrible state you are in.

I so wish you would see that your life is better without this treatment. 'just for a few more months' is awful...pain and anguish you could spare yourself. No amount of money, or ducks in a row is worth that in my book, but we all have our limits...

Strength to you.
threelittlestars is offline  
post #83 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Yes. It's true that I have been holding on. We had the big D talk 2 weeks ago and I held strong but then doubt started in. I told my H I was having doubts and wondered if we could at least try to talk things out. Mistake! He told me that he doesn't want me having this to hold over his head and is sure I won't ever trust him. H makes it sound like my insecurities and paranoia are are annoying and he would rather not deal with it. Then he gets excited at the idea of apartment living on his own with "freedom" to do whatever he wants like white water rafting. He is taking over the D like it was his idea, says he wants our stories to match before he will tell his friends and family.

Pretty sure my doubts about our marriage are coming from my doubts about me keeping the house alone and what I will do with our kid. I need to make new dreams to replan a future. I don't even know what city to live in and my heart breaks for our child to have so much uncertainty. H says he will support me financially to stay in the house but it still worries me.

Living together makes it hard because he still tells me about his day and eats the food I bought. It's like we are married not broken up.
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
post #84 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:22 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,047
Re: Really? Again!

Welp, he certainly made THAT easier! What a piece of crap he is! He wants your stories to match?? WHY so no one finds out he is a piece of **** cheater?? No more doubts here, stars, he needs to GTFO.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #85 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:36 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Ontario
Posts: 24
Re: Really? Again!

Do you not think that you are done? It really sounds like you have found yourself and you are ready to move on. I wouldn't worry about him as he doesn't seem to worry about you. If you are in a happier, stable environment then your child will be happier too. Think what your child is seeing (or not seeing which can be just as damaging). I have been in your position and with some planning you will be able to move forward. Don't let him be in control. You need to be in control.

BlueandBlond is offline  
post #86 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:49 PM
Yes
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 247
Re: Really? Again!

He wants the stories to "match" so that he comes out of this smelling like roses, and doesn't end up being the bad guy. He's only protecting himself. Besides, even if you two agree on a story, whose to say that he may change his mind and throw you under the bus?
Yes is offline  
post #87 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:08 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,370
Re: Really? Again!

His enthusiasm about moving on tells you all you need to know. He doesn't care that you're now wavering -- far from it. Now that he's used to the idea of divorce, he sees it as a golden opportunity. Believe him.

As to coordinating stories, that obviously only benefits him so he doesn't look like the bad guy. He'll probably want the story to be that you've grown apart and it's no one's fault. Don't do it.
Openminded is offline  
post #88 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 649
Re: Really? Again!

Chuck him out. Make him face the music of his so called life. You are going to come out of this, it may take time, but you got to see...He does not care a whit about you. Thats gotta hurt... But know this. yOu are loveable, valuable, and worthy of a GOOD man. This man is not that.
threelittlestars is offline  
post #89 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:53 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,919
Re: Really? Again!

OMG your WH is a POS!

Dont let this be easy for him
Tell everyone now what is happening and what he did!

Do the 180 on him and stop the pandering to him immediately.
Have no contact with him, stay in your own room, unless it is to do with the kid.

Tell him there will be no matching of 'stories' you are telling everyone the truth also including about 5 years ago and how he lied and cheated.

Incidentally, how do you know he is not lying about OW and her BF splitting up. Pls confirm and tell BF if they are still together. YOu should not take the word of your liar of a WH.
aine is offline  
post #90 of 104 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
His enthusiasm about moving on tells you all you need to know. He doesn't care that you're now wavering -- far from it. Now that he's used to the idea of divorce, he sees it as a golden opportunity. Believe him.

As to coordinating stories, that obviously only benefits him so he doesn't look like the bad guy. He'll probably want the story to be that you've grown apart and it's no one's fault. Don't do it.
It's true! Still hurts. . .
Thestarsarefalling is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome