Really? Again! - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
It's true! Still hurts. . .
Yes, it does hurt. And it will for awhile. But not forever.

Be glad you found out now and not decades down the road (as I did).

You'll get through this.

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post #92 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:43 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by aine View Post
OMG your WH is a POS!

Dont let this be easy for him
Tell everyone now what is happening and what he did!

Do the 180 on him and stop the pandering to him immediately.
Have no contact with him, stay in your own room, unless it is to do with the kid.

Tell him there will be no matching of 'stories' you are telling everyone the truth also including about 5 years ago and how he lied and cheated.

Incidentally, how do you know he is not lying about OW and her BF splitting up. Pls confirm and tell BF if they are still together. YOu should not take the word of your liar of a WH.
I have been trying to do The 180 as much as I can the last 2 days. (Since our last discussion) I try to avoid talking to him unless about child. There have been a few times I slipped and had a friendly conversation.

I don't see any benefit tme to tell everyone about what he did. He had been trying to turn it around the last few talks to make it seem like he wants a divorce for the "freedom" so I think his spin will be about that. I want more kids and he doesn't. My H hads very little family and most of our friends are really his friends. After the divorce I doubt I will see them anymore. I will start telling my friends and family more after the divorce. Maybe. It is true I don't want my child to over hear it or it get back to him before he is able to understand it.
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post #93 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:49 AM Thread Starter
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In the past couple of years there have been a few times I wanted out and I swore if something happened to make my H leave I would not do anything to stop him. Last time calling the OW put a stop (or pushed it underground, who knows?) to it and made my H stop trying to leave. When reading about co dependents/narc relationships that sounded like the best way to end things.
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post #94 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Wish I could sleep as well as H does. I think I am cycling through the stages of grief. I get angry and suspicious then depressed. Then I get hopeful I can get H to agree to R. Pretty sure that is the bargaining stage which is the worst. I want to talk to him so bad about our relationship or text him during that stage. Then I go back to depression then anger again. A podcast I am listening to suggested that having even a friendship and frequent contact with H can slow down the grieving process. That is probably happening here.
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post #95 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Are you in no contact?
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post #96 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Are you in no contact?

I live with him. I have been trying to avoid as much as I can. He hasn't told anyone and that is bothering me. Seems cake eating to me. We had a birthday party for our child and he just went along with his family like nothing is going on. Irritating.

My H says he will take over 100% of our debts while he stays in the house. I told him he had a couple of months then he needs to leave. It's not the best but I want him happy while we divorce so he will agree to stuff. Someone posted on Chump lady that you should divorce fast because guilt doesn't last forever.
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post #97 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Oh, that's right. Sorry. 'Wanting him happy' so he'll agree to give you stuff is not in your best interests. He's not going to leave unless you make him. You don't want him to leave until you've got a lawyer ironing out LEGALLY what he owes his family. Basically, this is all on you. And that poster is right - he won't remain guilty for long. That's why you need to get to your lawyer TOMORROW.
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post #98 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado
How solid is your marriage? How often do you kiss, touch, and have sex?

Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling
Very bad. We had sex once or twice in the last year and maybe a handful of times the year before that. When ever I bring it up he deflects the problem to me saying I was never interest in sex that much when we were younger so what does it matter now or makes me feel bad for even being it up. This would be the main reason I have considered leaving him within the last few years. I had been thinking he probably had erectile disfunction and was too embarrassed to discuss it. He wants to just have a sexless marriage now. He is 38 btw.

I know. It's embarrassing how awful everything is.



At this point your marriage does not have a chance at being good. You have a few choices:

1 You can continue to try and cope with your miserable marriage and experience some more of what you have experiences for the last several years.

2 You can put all your efforts into addressing your number one problem of being too co-dependent so that you can get much stronger and able to do what you know to be right for yourself. Stop focusing on anything except for you to get stronger; especially emotionally so that you can have a better life!


You seem weak and unable emotionally to get out of a relationship that you describe as “very bad” and embarrassing awful.

I know that a divorce will cost you some of your comforts and financially but your biggest problem is you are still too co-dependant and you are compromising big time to avoid facing reality. You are prolonging the fact that your marriage will be even more miserable if you remain emotionally codependent on your husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling

I am much less codependent than I used to be but still have so much more to improve.
I am going to be reading more about co dependence and look for IC.
How has that been going?

Last edited by Mr Blunt; 05-21-2017 at 05:04 PM.
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post #99 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado
How solid is your marriage? How often do you kiss, touch, and have sex?

Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling
Very bad. We had sex once or twice in the last year and maybe a handful of times the year before that. When ever I bring it up he deflects the problem to me saying I was never interest in sex that much when we were younger so what does it matter now or makes me feel bad for even being it up. This would be the main reason I have considered leaving him within the last few years. I had been thinking he probably had erectile disfunction and was too embarrassed to discuss it. He wants to just have a sexless marriage now. He is 38 btw.

I know. It's embarrassing how awful everything is.



At this point your marriage does not have a chance at being good. You have a few choices:

1 You can continue to try and cope with your miserable marriage and experience some more of what you have experiences for the last several years.

2 You can put all your efforts into addressing your number one problem of being too co-dependent so that you can get much stronger and able to do what you know to be right for yourself. Stop focusing on anything except for you to get stronger; especially emotionally so that you can have a better life!


You seem weak and unable emotionally to get out of a relationship that you describe as ?very bad? and embarrassing awful.

I know that a divorce will cost you some of your comforts and financially but your biggest problem is you are still too co-dependant and you are compromising big time to avoid facing reality. You are prolonging the fact that your marriage will be even more miserable if you remain emotionally codependent on your husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling

I am much less codependent than I used to be but still have so much more to improve.
I am going to be reading more about co dependence and look for IC.
How has that been going?
We have not tried to R and that does not seem to be on the table. We have talked about assets and how and when to separate. He is being helpful around the house and with Childcare. I don't trust this.

I have been listening and reading about divorce and unhealthy cycles. The more I pull away emotionally the more I don't like him and it makes me sad. I am still vulnerable to him trying to R but I don't tell him this and he doesn't try. Sometimes it seems like I am the only one grieving and processing. I get periods of time that I want to try and talk things out with him but I don't. I feel a little stronger each time I manage to stop myself from seeking him out. I probably lost my H a while ago and now I loose my best friend and main support. This is the second time he has acted in a way that turns our life upside down and risks our whole world together and I have to get off this crazy train.

At the moment I feel like I potential have my H cornered. He wants people to think well of him and he wants our son to think well of him. He wants his credit score to be great. This makes no sense to me compared to trashing a marriage but there it is. I told him what I would do if he doesn't be nice. That is walk away from all the financial obligations we have together. It would be hard but I would recover. I have a good paying job and I know people would help me if I swallow my pride and ask. Plus H doesn't want me to take our son far away where my family lives. I have told him that if he is supportive then I have no reason to go. My job is here.

Don't know if my H really thinks about how our lives will separate and change over time but that isn't my problem.

I need to get a move on getting a paralegal picked out and paperwork ready while my H seems willing. It just feels so final but I am making progress to detach.
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post #100 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Is it ironic that I am a terrible secret keeper? I let it slip that have his old text messages that are pretty damning. He was upset since he seemed to think I deleted it and I thought I had. Luckily I outsmarted myself and sent it to multiple emails. Oops. Pretty sure he wants me to keep quiet and I will for now. Revenge is tempting but honestly it would just make me look pathetic and make H want to fight.

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post #101 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

It's good that he knows.
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post #102 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Really? Again!



I'm glad you are ending the cycle.
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post #103 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Really? Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thestarsarefalling View Post
Is it ironic that I am a terrible secret keeper? I let it slip that have his old text messages that are pretty damning. He was upset since he seemed to think I deleted it and I thought I had. Luckily I outsmarted myself and sent it to multiple emails. Oops. Pretty sure he wants me to keep quiet and I will for now. Revenge is tempting but honestly it would just make me look pathetic and make H want to fight.
Let him fight.

Then call the cops and have his sorry butt thrown in the can. Then file a DV charge against him and file for a protection order. Shake up his world and make him feel some fear.


Or not....
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post #104 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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I'm glad you are ending the cycle.
Haha!
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post #105 of 108 (permalink) Old Today, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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I have been avoiding and interacting with my Stbx for a couple of days now and keeping my grief/anger/bargaining to myself. This has giving me an insight to my marriage. My h was deployed for a year, 7 years ago and I feel that was a turning point. He went no contact with me for a year over the deployment and the letters and phone calls were not enough to keep him attached to me. Huge red flags happened after he got home but I refused to see them. He would complain about things I had no control over like it was a reason I failed him. (The housing market) He would tell me he was so depressed and tired because the dishes needed to be done. It was like a personal attack on him if I didn't vaccum. I like a clean house too but this was personal. I don't understand it. He tries to get me to throw away my stuff like I am a hoarder. I have two boxes of personal items and all my clothes fit in the closet with room to spare. Our house is pretty clean. He isn't correct. Guess that's gaslighting. We got pregnant pretty soon after he came home and of course D day1 happened 4 months after I gave birth. His mood swings are better no but he isn't invested in our relationship and dd2 shows it. I wonder if H could of had an affair or EA during the deployment. Now that I know the warning signs it seems possible. This is all so depressing and pathetic I keep trying for 7 years! It makes me want to confront him and ask. Good idea or bad idea?
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