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Really? Again!

29K views 200 replies 37 participants last post by  m.t.t 
#1 · (Edited)
I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.

5 years ago my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.

A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.

Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.

He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.

I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.

We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.

I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.

My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.

We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.

Thanks for listening.
 
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#2 ·
Same woman? 5 Years since first situation and now?

Honestly your husband DID NOT LEARN THE LAST TIME. he is back in the affair.

Really? you want to keep trying? While he was willingly in contact, no email or phone just verbal because HE REALLY REALLY REALLY does not want you to know.

Do you know what might work? Dropping him like a hot potato, she is pursuing him and he LIKES IT. He also LIKES THAT YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON HIM! this man is an ego kibble junkie. As long as she makes him feel good and he does not dig into why he is messed up and wanting those feelings there is no point to keep working at this. She will just keep chipping away at the armor you have on your marriage. The armor your husband soaks in the salty ocean to rust away as fast as possible.

He does not care about your feelings only so far as he can keep you ignorant. As far as her, he has not drawn the line in the sand. BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO!

Dropping him will cut of half the ego kibble supply, He will have to chose her because his wife walked out. He will finally see this other woman for a predator and he was a stupid weak prey. Prey that stares right at the big wolf instead of being smart and running for safety. He will see less of his kids, and will also see your strength.

Only when he really SEES WHAT HE THREW AWAY, only then is he even close to worthy of another try.

I have kids, I am not saying this without understanding the difficult position you find yourself still in.
 
#3 ·
I agree. Putting separation and divorce into motion is extremely difficult and I keep sticking my head in the sand. Kicking him out is still an option. I am really unhappy with him on multiple levels unrelated to this and this is just the cherry on top of the s**t pile.

Part of the issue is that I doubt any relationship after this will great. Maybe all relationships are tolerable at best after so many years. This is the only relationship I have ever had and I have never broken up with anyone. I met him at 18 and married a year later. Our parents are gone now, we are each other's family. It's hard to turn my back even when it makes sense. I like my life and I feel like divorcing him jeopardized my life, friends, schedule, house and support system for our child. I am worried that our child is getting old enough to notice the disfunction.

What concerns me is how easy it is to fall into our routines just like nothing happened. I have no idea what to do from here. It's only been a week but more info keeps slipping out when I push him and he becomes more willing to make an effort. I don't know. Yesterday he said he might look for another job away from OW. Not sure if that is really good enough now. I think he isn't as interested in her because she was crying and not as peppy as he remembered. I don't want to worry about looking over his shoulder. It's exhausting.
 
#5 ·
Very bad. We had sex once or twice in the last year and maybe a handful of times the year before that. When ever I bring it up he deflects the problem to me saying I was never interest in sex that much when we were younger so what does it matter now or makes me feel bad for even being it up. This would be the main reason I have considered leaving him within the last few years. I had been thinking he probably had erectile disfunction and was too embarrassed to discuss it. He wants to just have a sexless marriage now. He is 38 btw.

I know. It's embarrassing how awful everything is.
 
#6 ·
The guy never did learn how to tie his shoe lace vows after that first EA, Emotional Affair.

He did not learn to retie his marital shoe lace because he tripped over them again....same hole, different day........ different year, same year-ning.

He must pay the price. He must price-in his adultery.
Let your attorney send the TAB to this Wooden Nickel of a man. Nick his wallet.




EA....Easing Away from their significant other.
EA....Eating Away.. eschewing what is offered at home.
EA....Elastic Ambit
EA....Eventual Apoplexy to a healthy marriage.
 
#7 ·
Tell him to man up or you'll divorce him. Stop playing games. Go to MC meetings, talk about the issues. Him putting any issues on you is bull. He has faults. We all do. Find out why his penis isn't working, especially if you have had desire. ED can be stress related or medical. A blood test can be done . Or he is getting sex elsewhere.

It takes two to make it work.
 
#8 ·
Nothing wrong with a divorce. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for the last 4 years of my 8 year marriage. It's a sham. It eats at you slowly and you try to convince yourself you can live like this until your kids turn 18. I read No More Mr Nice Guy, got mad, and left. I was having sex with girls the next day from my new extended stay hotel temporary home. I'm having the best sex of my life now and bought a house with the girl of my dreams 16 months post separation. Get busy living life to the fullest. Only one life. Don't waste it.
 
#9 ·
If I kicked him out he would be able to find a nice dumb girl to swallow his lies pretty easy. Pretty sure dating and marriage isnt as easy for single mom in her 30s. Plus whomever I marry has to be a step dad. It's complicated. It's a risk to stay and a risk to leave. Paralyzed me to make a decision.
 
#11 · (Edited)
One of the first things I learned in Psychology class was that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of his future behavior. You must have heard that once a cheater, always a cheater. That is especially true when his spouse shows that she is afraid to divorce him. What usually happens is that you end up looking the other way because the alternative is not attractive to you. You have already emboldened him to cheat by allowing it over and over again with no more than an argument for his months of pleasure. A fair trade in his book.

I cheated 4 times before my wife decided to open our marriage. I was not going to change. I have always had more than one women in my life and marriage did not change that. We got involved in some group sex and then threesomes. We ended up sharing a girlfriend for 30 years. My wife and I agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a very long time ago. There is a whole science of human evolution and how we are one of the few species who have sex for non reproductive reasons. We are attracted to others and there is no stopping that. How we act on that attraction varies from person to person.

I kept on cheating because I knew that my wife loved the lifestyle I was providing her and as she said, what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. There are both husbands and wives who look the other way as long as their spouse is discrete. You indicated that you do not desire a divorce so you have taken away your main weapons. You are left with very little else to deter your husband. I would gladly trade an argument for some good sex for a few months. If I was facing divorce I would think twice about it, but it seems that even that does not deter some.

Here is an article that describes how my wife and I put our marriage ahead of monogamy. Worth a read:Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

We know lots of married couples who have saved their marriage this way. Our girlfriend is married and in an open marriage. They are married longer than 25 years. We are married for 44 years. We don't go out on weekends looking for new sex partners. In fact, my wife and I had less then 10 sex partners combined, and half of those were as a couple. When you know that your spouse can also see others it changes the ballgame and makes you step up your game. Good luck.
 
#14 ·
I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.

5 years age my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.

A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.

Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.

He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.

I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.

We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.

I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.

My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.

We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.

Thanks for listening.
OP,

Try to remember the bolded part above. If you stay, you will become even more resentful. Of rugsweeping two D-days (maybe the same affair this whole time), of his criticism of you, of your sexless marriage, of his ED whatever the cause may be. You probably don't realize this right now in your emotional state, but your discovery last week was a gift. You have proof that AT A MINIMUM he has met up with his previous (or continuous) affair partner. You don't have to sleuth around to find that evidence. You have it. You have the moral high ground. You have nothing to feel badly about. Hold your head high and refuse to let your dignity take another massive blow.

I understand the fear of not wanting to uproot your life and your son's. I don't take it lightly. But if you let this slip by like the last time, and you just fall back into your old patterns, the resentment will eat away at you. Any "relief" that he supposedly has no contact with the OW will dissipate. You'll be miserable again, only worse.
 
#16 ·
This is very helpful. If I keep it all in my head alone it's so easy to down play it or make it seem like maybe it wasn't a big deal. It feels like a bigger deal to tell other people about it. I haven't told anyone yet. I know therapy would be good for me but I haven't got around to it yet. My H gives a hard no to MC but not sure MC will fix much.
 
#17 ·
I am speaking from a very similar experience. My husband had an EA (supposedly just that) 4.5 years ago. We rugswept the whole thing, and he refused MC. We have one young son. Like you, I have other gripes with my husband. He can be critical (and cruelly so). Also like you, there's an issue with ED on his part. Also like you, I have the ability to see good qualities in my husband, which complicates the decision. It wouldn't be complicated though if he had another affair.

I have become so resentful that part of me is HOPING to find evidence of another affair, to have an ironclad reason to end it. You have that now.
 
#19 ·
I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.

5 years age my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.

A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.

Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.

He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.

I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.

We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.

I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.

My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.

We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.

Thanks for listening.

He is lying through his teeth.
Get a good bulldog of a lawyer.
Blow up his world and tell family and friends what he has been doing. All of it, do not cover for him. It is not your shame or burden to carry.
You will never have peace in this marriage, he has shown you who he is and you have taken 5 years to believe him.

Build a new life for yourself, divorce him, no second chances, you will only find yourself in this place again in another few years.
 
#25 ·
Wow, what a worthless piece of crap! Find your lady ballz and tell him to get the HELL OUT. I could tell by your description of the FIRST time that he wasnt going to be faithful to you. Have some self respect and divorce this man!

Oh and stop thinking about future relationships! You need to figure out how to live your life! Nobody NEEDS a relationship, and you thinking that you do shows that you have some serious issues of your own. Being on your own beats the hell out of staying with a serial, remorseless cheat ANY DAY!
 
#28 ·
I appreciate your bluntness. He really had no business see her outside of work at all. He should have told me about all of this before I found out. If it was all innocent why hide it? He didn't think I would find out. That was the same excuse he used last time.

I don't think it was an ongoing affair but doesn't it really matter? He keeps important secrets from me and I can't trust him. I told him 5 years ago that if I caught him communicating with her behind my back it would be over.

There is no doubt that his life with me is better than his life without me will be. I run most of our life's, pay our bills, keep in touch with friends and family. I took care of his parents when they died. Last time I told our friends and family what was happening and when we divorce they will all know even if I don't say anything this time. His life will suck until he finds another women to take care of him. Probably will find comfort with the same OW and she will be my child's step mom. Sorry, I will try not to go there until I have too.
 
#30 ·
I appreciate your bluntness. He really had no business see her outside of work at all. He should have told me about all of this before I found out. If it was all innocent why hide it? He didn't think I would find out. That was the same excuse he used last time.

I don't think it was an ongoing affair but doesn't it really matter? He keeps important secrets from me and I can't trust him. I told him 5 years ago that if I caught him communicating with her behind my back it would be over.

There is no doubt that his life with me is better than his life without me will be. I run most of our life's, pay our bills, keep in touch with friends and family. I took care of his parents when they died. Last time I told our friends and family what was happening and when we divorce they will all know even if I don't say anything this time. His life will suck until he finds another women to take care of him. Probably will find comfort with the same OW and she will be my child's step mom. Sorry, I will try not to go there until I have too.
Well then, you best follow up with this, or you have ZERO credibility, and he will continue to do whatever the hell he wants to because he knows you wont do anything.

He should have told you the very second she made contact with him. But they have probably been in touch all along...
 
#31 ·
Thestars, there are problems in your husband and in your marriage. I don't think you will be able to effectively deal with them until you get a handle on YOUR problem first. It looks to me like some form of codependency. I honestly believe that when you get this issue under control you will be able to handle the others. It seems to me that your husband is holding you hostage by using your codependency issues as leverage over you.

Once you get yourself fixed, you like us, will wonder why you didn't divorce this guy earlier. Good luck to you.
 
#33 ·
I have really appciated reading messages on this board because everything that I went through 5 years ago and now again feels validated. It makes me so angry to think how cynical I am now. It's hard to tell the story without getting carried away but I will try to keep it simple.

5 years age my DH found a co worker that he got involved with. I may never truly know exactly what happen for sure ( b/c who ever can know). I believe this OW was very friendly and stroked his ego. I had been preoccupied having a baby and caring for his disabled mother. I left out of town to see family for a few days and came back to a changed guy. He would say I need to learn how to do things because he didnt think he would be around to do them for me. He would tell me to be more independent. He started getting home late, like 3 hrs late. When he left his email window open I discovered emails of texts that he saved to reminisce about. It was flirty and definitely bad. When confronted he admitted it and explained that she was so wonderful. He complained that I am too cold, not interested in his hobbies, and not spontaneous enough. She makes him feel so good.

A few months before I had wanted a new phone but we ended up buying him a new phone instead and I took his old one. This meant I had is phone directory and I called the OW. She said she had thought our marriage was already over and she was trying to be a good friend to my husband. I am ashamed to say I did reminder her I could tell their employer and hurt her career if she continued to talk to my husband at all. She agreed.

Looking back I think my DH was starting an Exit Affair. I don't think it got physical. I scared away the OW so he didn't end up leaving. I left him for 3 months but came home because it was my house and I wanted to at least try to R. He didn't really want me to come back.

He was half hearted and passive about making things work. The first year he was depressed and moody and refused to let me have acesss to his emails and texts. I could look at our phone records if needed. He wanted me to change and I did try for a while. Mostly he wanted me to clean better and be super interested in his hobbies. He said he wanted to be admired.

I read a lot of books and decided I was too co depenant and passively aggressive. I tried to rely less on my DH for happiness. I got a job I loved and gave me confidence. I did things that made me happy. I stopped caring about what my DH thought of me because he always has bad things to say. I reached a point where I didn't care to read his texts or emails because if he wanted another women she could have him. That is unti this week.

We have been in a pretty good place the last year but not perfect. There have been many times I thought about leaving but decided I loved my DH and I loved being around him. He is funny and interesting. Our child is also a big reason too.

I was completely shocked when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. It was hard to tell for sure what they were saying but it was clear he was trying to leave and she was upset and complaining he had to leave to pick up our son from school. When I told my husband he admitted it but it is very different this time. He said that he had met her to help her pick out a pet and they had met a month ago so he could help her pick out an item that he knows a lot about. Both times were around his Hobbies. The OW relationship had just broken up and she was crying over that. She has been coming around the area he works after years of staying away. He doesn't have her new number or email. They verbally decided to meet, he said it was him who offered.

My first thought was that its over but he does seem truthful when he says he wants to fix our marriage now. He seems willing and more open this time. He is willing to give me access to his phone and emails. I believe him but am also suspicious. There are so many ways now to hide messages that I can't possibly keep up with. I suspect she wasn't as fun to hang out with as he thought and he was testing the waters.

We have been married for 15 years and I don't see mine or our child's life better without him so I am giving him a few months to show me he can try to fix things but I kind of doubt him. He loves to find my problems but we can't usually make it over to his problems at all. Everyone will probably tell me to go but if it was that easy I would.

Thanks for listening.
Hi @Thestarsarefalling

Thanks for your post.

There are obviously a lot of people here who probably advocate you leaving your marriage and based on the evidence, you would be well within your right to do so. However, i'm a big believer in trying to restore the relationship if there is a possibility and in all honesty, the comments that he made does suggest that he is potentially open to it.

It's extremely important for guys to get their ego stroked regulatly and it's one of those things that doesn't happen enough. Just to be clear, i'm not sitting in the male camp and just defending them. I also see so many guys lacking in their ability to provide genuine presence and making a woman feel understood but I think it's really important for both men and women to understand each others needs and make a commitment to serving them. If we can just learn to get out of our own ways and serve with love, things can change so quickly.

Obviously, your husband has acted like a bit of an idiot with some of his behaviour and he needs to really make a conscious effort to turn things around - of which I hope he does.
However, you can definitely play your part here as well which I know might seem frustrating. In fact, there might even be a part of you that completely resists it at times because of what he did but in order to turn this around, compassion does need to be exercised...

Find ways to make him feel significant, unique, special etc so that he creates some positive associations using your time together. If you can strike the right cords, then change can occur in him. Then if you can both meet each others needs at extraordinary levels, then you have a relationship that will last a long time. It's not easy and it takes effort. It's easy to go down the cynical path here but it's about striking the right balance between optimism/love yet being vigilant at the same time.

I hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, let me know.

Thanks
Sri
 
#35 ·
The idea that I need to make him feel better and help his ego in order to save my marriage can work. It did work. It saved my marriage last time. I read a book called Your Husbands Midlife Crisis by Sally and Jim Conway. It talked a lot about the needs of men and if you are loving to them they will come back. I am not saying it's all wrong, just that it's terrible advice to codependants. We already very naturally do anything to be loving. This builds up a lot of resentment when it's not returned that comes out in unrelated but punishing ways.

Trust me 5 years ago I made a perfect fool of myself initially to "get him back." I would tell him something he did everyday that I was grateful for, I tried to read up about his hobbies and talk to him about it, I tried harder to keep the house clean, I lost most of the baby weight that I gained, we still had a sex life back then, he insisted on sleeping on the floor so I did too. He would get mad if I tried to talk to him too much when he got home from work so I would just shut up and give him "cave time." I don't know how long this lasted maybe several months to a couple of years. All I wanted was to spend time together out of the house and to have no yelling or swearing. For the most part I was granted that. I learned about boundaries, codependency, and my narssistic mother, etc.

5 years later I am very independent but open to doing things with H. I have boundaries. Some are finainacial and some are personal. I am not sacrificing things that make me happy and I should not have too. Even though I am not as sweet to him as I used to be he is already more invested in saving are marriage than last time. This tells me is likes the independent woman more than the one that caters to him.
 
#41 ·
You staying at this point and doing the path you have laid out for us is just another form of THE PICK ME DANCE, waiting hoping wondering are all in the category of ...Im here, pick me, love me, be happy with me.

This is not going to bolster your ego, in fact, im sure your pretty darn insecure at this point. Who is going to fluff up your bruised ego? No one, cause only you can cure and solve your own emotional issues. Hanging around waiting and hoping is enabling him to NOT work on himself.

i hope you can see that.
And not rushing is overall good, but you are paralyzed.
 
#42 ·
There are some people in life who simply aren't marriage material. Maybe your life isn't hellish, but your husband can't possibly be a good spouse if he's cheating on you. That's like the bare minimum of what a spouse shouldn't be doing in a marriage. That said, if you want to forgive him, and somehow build a life together, he would have to be completely transparent, honest, and willing to put you and your marriage, first. I don't see it happening, if he is back to his old ways.

I like the saying ''a person's true character is revealed when no one is looking.'' If your husband is deceptive and so on, that is who is really is. If he puts on a fake smile to pretend to be happy with you, that's not who he is. If you both can go through the motions of an everyday life together, that too isn't who he is. Who he really is, is who he is when you're not around to watch him. Who he REALLY is, is the guy who is deceptive and cheating. Unless he turns his back on that part of himself, your marriage will never work...not at least in the way you'd like it to. :eek:

Stay true to you, and the right answer will come.
 
#43 ·
Did you tell him to get his own apartment or have you changed your mind on this?

I'm so sorry your going through this. Change can be very scary. But it's a matter of time before he does something like this again. He needs a kick in his butt to make him change, and he might not ever change. I think it's best to kick him out of the house. And if he wanted to make the marriage work he knows how, and it's by actions not words over a period of time. Separating is the best situation for you because it's not a divorce, but it's preparing you for what might come (eases you into it), it also gives him a change to prove to you that he loves you and is willing to change which he owes you if he wants to make it work with you. So by separating, you are saying I don't need you and I refuse to be treated like this, while at the same time saying if you want this marriage to work the ball is in your court and you have a lot i making up to do for me to even consider taking you back. You need to be strong, stay strong and start to prepare yourself.
 
#48 · (Edited)
From everything you've written, you sound like the housekeeper - you keep the house, take care of other things domestic, have no sex with the 'man of the house.'

I think you're settling for a mediocre (at best) marriage. You don't have to settle! You can straighten your spine, put on your big girl panties, lace up your ***** boots, and show your WH the door.

He's a liar who doesn't love you or respect you for who you are. And you stay with this. Why would you do that? Why would you settle for this? How do you see yourself five years from now? If it's with him, then it's the same old **** - a husband who grudgingly stays in the marriage, but can't bring himself to be a decent husband.

I would toss him overboard. Life is too short. It really, really is.

Go visit the Chumplady and feel empowered:

https://www.chumplady.com

As she says, 'Leave a cheater. Gain a life!'
 
#49 ·
I know this might be annoying to keep saying this but I am writing this for myself to read it later as well as get the harsh reality told to me.

I am reading Surving the Affair and it is crushing any tiny hope I had. The ways WS start affairs and hide affairs and how the are discovered. It makes my H seem guilty guilty guilty. Super hard to believe. I just can't. It's like all my hurt and anger is retroactive. All the hurt and anger from 5 years ago has come back with interest. I don't know if he really did just causally met her in a public place TWICE in the last month. That act brings all of it back. Now I have 5 years of unaccounted time, I have no real idea to if he ended it or not since he refused to let me see his texts and email at the time and I stopped asking since it was too upsetting.

I have felt that he isn't taking me as seriously as he should. He has to quit his job or get out. Pick on or the other. He won't do it, he loves his job. It gives me a way to get a separation but not be unreasonable. I let him stay at his job around her last time and it is the only way I will even consider any R. I am doubting any R because I doubt my ability to be that understanding. That's my goal today. Wish me luck.
 
#54 ·
There as been a change in H the last week or so after a serious discussion. He is being helpful and understanding. He read half of Surviving Affair. He isn't fighting back or blaming me. Really takes all my fight out. H admits he wasn't thinking about what he was risking by resting up with OW even if it was an impersonal quick meeting. This doesn't exactly help me because who wants to be committed to someone who doesn't think about the consequences of his actions.
 
#56 ·
I really wanted to know that I tried everything I could to save our marriage. I feel that I gave everything I had. If that didn't make him happy then nothing I did ever would. Even though part of me wants to see how far his new remorse goes, it's really all the same story. I already did the R and I don't have another 5 years to "try" again. He says it was a bad idea to meet OW outside of work but it runs deeper.

I don't like to focus on what might be happening behind my back because it just makes me sick. I don't think anything much happened either time but it's still a huge betrayal to me. He intended to leave me with a 6 month old while I cared for his disabled mother and he used the support from OW to give him confidence to do it. Truthfully I lost alot of respect for him after that. Throwing away our current life so he could spend 20 mins helping the same OW is just beyond understanding. He tries to make it sound better by saying he was sure not to start texting her again. Doesn't he know secretly meeting her outside of work is much worse than texting? My H is a very smart guy so this makes no sense.

He doesn't like me digging into his phone and I hate being with someone I need to do that with. It really doesn't help because there are so many ways to hide it and he can always just talk to her at work. Nothing helps.

The injustice! I supported him through all the tough times in his life and his support was crappy. I supported him ( at least financially) through school, parents dying, military deployment, and now it's mostly behind us. The next girl gets it easy.
 
#61 ·
He tries to make it sound better by saying he was sure not to start texting her again. Doesn't he know secretly meeting her outside of work is much worse than texting? My H is a very smart guy so this makes no sense.

The next girl gets it easy.

No. The next girl gets a highly polished turd. You'll get freedom.

My exbf used to do it too: "well you didn't say I couldn't do xy and z, you only said I couldn't do a." It was exhausting. And more important, it was 100% bull****. A healthy and respectful relationship doesn't require such mental gymnastics.


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