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post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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@TAMAT,
How did you resolve your situation? How did you finally get her to admit what was going on?

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post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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@Andy1001 I get you. I have debated this more than once. I have an MMA background and I could hurt this guy if given the opportunity. He is deathly scared of me, doesn't speak to me whatsoever. If I were to do that, it most certainly would end with us having to move, something I'm not financially able to do.
"Accidents" happen all the time.Ok I'm not really suggesting you hurt him but you need to take some sort of action.Go over there and tell him that if he ever let's your wife inside his house again you will take certain actions to ensure her safety.Like breaking both his legs.
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post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.
Probably because she does not see him as any threat to you. She is laughing about him to her girlfriend, remember?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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For some reason, some 20 something girls seem to go for older dudes. I've never understood it, nor have I ever done it. But it's possible. DO NOT discount it just cuz of his age.



Not that I mean to thread jack but in answer to your statement about not understanding why the twenty something ladies seem more interested in older men, you are right but there is a reason.

Forgive my stereo typing but a good portion of the twenty something males never grew up. They are still sitting in mom and dads basement playing video games and getting stoned. Not a lot of motivation or drive. So when the twenty something women are looking for a man they look at the men their age as boys. Then they look at the forty something guys out there that don't play video games, have a good career, do manly things like fix their own car and make repairs around the house and they quickly see that the older guys maybe don't have the astonishing good looks of youth but they are very masculine manly men, not little boys that need a mommy.

As we've always said here, women aren't attracted to weak men. A lot of the Metro sexual video game junkie guys today come of as pretty weak and immature, neither of these are attractive qualities.

as far as the original post goes, I'm not sure why but I remember reading something almost identical about a year ago. Not sure if it was here or on SI but it is almost the exact same story just a couple details with some minor changes. Maybe coincidence or maybe just some new fishing, who knows.

In any event assuming its a legitimate post I will answer like this, It sounds to me like he is friend zoned. She needs somebody to get stoned with and he is better than nobody, he's conveniently located right next door which makes life easier to get a buzz with little effort.

If everything you have said is accurate than I don't think there is much to worry about, but, and this is a big but, This is only if you are being honest with yourself about your evaluation of him.

Have you decided he is a loser and as such you don't see any of his good qualities or is he really the mentally deficient loser you have made him out to be. is he physically attractive/ok? IS he able to communicate with your wife on a level that is consistent of your wife's mental acuity?

Don't look at him and evaluate whether or not you like him, look at him and evaluate him from the perspective of whether or not he has anything to offer a potential partner/mate. If he is as bad as you say than I think the relationship is very likely exactly what she is telling you, not that it can't change in the future but for now I think it is what she says it is.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
FSU,

Your gut is going off for a reason, my guess is that this dude is making attempts to breach your Ws defenses and will succeed to some measure if he has not already.

OM-3 with my W was 85 years old, and as my W put it disgusting, I never met him although I went looking before he died. So why did my W drive him places, go into his apartment, become accepted by his family, make statements to me that cheaters make and accept gifts from him?

I think the answer is that he was meeting my Ws needs in ways I was not, when I was not there, he gave her admiration, he gave her unconditional acceptance, he flattered her in ways he had refined over the years. I not sure if my W complained about our marriage to OM-3 but it would not surprise me as that is part of the progression in conversation that OM become good at.

Tamat

Couldn't agree more Tamat, I suspect that he is trying to groom her.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Not that I mean to thread jack but in answer to your statement about not understanding why the twenty something ladies seem more interested in older men, you are right but there is a reason.

Forgive my stereo typing but a good portion of the twenty something males never grew up. They are still sitting in mom and dads basement playing video games and getting stoned. Not a lot of motivation or drive. So when the twenty something women are looking for a man they look at the men their age as boys. Then they look at the forty something guys out there that don't play video games, have a good career, do manly things like fix their own car and make repairs around the house and they quickly see that the older guys maybe don't have the astonishing good looks of youth but they are very masculine manly men, not little boys that need a mommy.

As we've always said here, women aren't attracted to weak men. A lot of the Metro sexual video game junkie guys today come of as pretty weak and immature, neither of these are attractive qualities.

as far as the original post goes, I'm not sure why but I remember reading something almost identical about a year ago. Not sure if it was here or on SI but it is almost the exact same story just a couple details with some minor changes. Maybe coincidence or maybe just some new fishing, who knows.

In any event assuming its a legitimate post I will answer like this, It sounds to me like he is friend zoned. She needs somebody to get stoned with and he is better than nobody, he's conveniently located right next door which makes life easier to get a buzz with little effort.

If everything you have said is accurate than I don't think there is much to worry about, but, and this is a big but, This is only if you are being honest with yourself about your evaluation of him.

Have you decided he is a loser and as such you don't see any of his good qualities or is he really the mentally deficient loser you have made him out to be. is he physically attractive/ok? IS he able to communicate with your wife on a level that is consistent of your wife's mental acuity?

Don't look at him and evaluate whether or not you like him, look at him and evaluate him from the perspective of whether or not he has anything to offer a potential partner/mate. If he is as bad as you say than I think the relationship is very likely exactly what she is telling you, not that it can't change in the future but for now I think it is what she says it is.
That's great.Until she gets so stoned that he starts looking good.Have you heard of beer glasses,well weed goggles are very similar.By the way op while you are busting your ass who is paying for this weed and is it legal in your state.It would be an awful shame if someone called the cops and reported drug dealing going on.
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post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Probably because she does not see him as any threat to you. She is laughing about him to her girlfriend, remember?
How many times on this forum have you seen someone making derogatory remarks about someone that they ended up having an affair with.He is grooming her and she may have to pay for her weed one way or another.And if she has no money.....
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post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Originally Posted by FSU View Post
I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.

You sit down and tell her exactly what you feel when she hangs out with him and where you believe it leads. That's how you set a boundary. No yelling, no threats (divorce). Just what treatment you are willing to accept in your M. You also make it possible for her to find some of that down time with you. You don't control her or decide for her, you are only in control of what you will accept as a good marriage. Does that make sense?

Read the book @Hope1964 recommended. NOT "Just Friends" and Boundaries in Marriage

Best


BTW, I've seen plenty of 40+ lifelong unmotivated pothead losers get plenty of tail. They put on enough of an act to score. Nothing long term, but that's not the goal. Mostly low hanging fruit (low self-esteem).

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 04-19-2017 at 05:39 AM. Reason: big fingers, little tablet
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post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:31 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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How many times on this forum have you seen someone making derogatory remarks about someone that they ended up having an affair with.He is grooming her and she may have to pay for her weed one way or another.And if she has no money.....
Good point about how is she paying for it. I doubt he has any real chance with her, though, however much he dreams about it.

OP, you seem like a good guy, a real family man. I cannot imagine this guy holding a candle to you.

But you don't want to take any chances, especially since you know any even unintentional drug-inspired fooling around will mean you will divorce her. Make those consequences very clear.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

FSU,

You wrote, I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.

The OM knows this as well, you or I might not do something like this to someone elses wife out of compassion for her children, husband or even her general state of well being, but this OM is an opportunist.

People may mock you for seeing this guy as a threat, but most of the people who will mock you have no understanding of how powerful emotional affairs are and will not be there for you when your marriage falls apart.

Tamat

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post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:42 PM Thread Starter
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First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
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post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
Of course you are not wrong.

Is she an addict? Is that why you don't think she will listen if you lay down the law?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day...
She absolutely is! We are all allowed down time.

Now is the time to figure out what that could be. Something that does not harm the relationship between you.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
You know op,if this guy is such a loser and if your wife is really laughing at him behind his back because he has a crush on her it doesn't say a lot for her own personality.Maybe she is not the woman you think she is and maybe you should point this out.
She is making a fool out of a sad,lonely older man(your words).
Maybe she is also making a fool out of a sad hardworking young man as well.You.
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post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:55 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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You know op,if this guy is such a loser and if your wife is really laughing at him behind his back because he has a crush on her it doesn't say a lot for her own personality.Maybe she is not the woman you think she is and maybe you should point this out.
She is making a fool out of a sad,lonely older man(your words).
Maybe she is also making a fool out of a sad hardworking young man as well.You.
It is not very nice of her, OP. She might be old and lonely someday, too.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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