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post #31 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

You are not wrong to want your relationship with your wife to be safe. Hope she feels the same about it.

I know that everyone is discounting the weed dude, but remember, he does not have to be enough for a long term relationship.

A wrongly spent 5 mins will be more than enough to wreak your marriage.

Good luck.

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post #32 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Of course you are not wrong.

Is she an addict? Is that why you don't think she will listen if you lay down the law?
She is taking medication for anxiety and depression and is smoking weed on a daily basis.And people trust her to babysit their children.I wouldn't let her take care of a goldfish.This is not going to end well and if she gets a criminal record she will find it very difficult to re enter the workplace.But she doesn't want to work anyway so you have a future of subsidising your wife's pot addiction and watching her walk out the door as soon as you come home.
Come on man,do you not see where this is going.She will be caught smoking weed by her employer and he will call the cops.What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides heartache.
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post #33 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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She is taking medication for anxiety and depression and is smoking weed on a daily basis.And people trust her to babysit their children.I wouldn't let her take care of a goldfish.This is not going to end well and if she gets a criminal record she will find it very difficult to re enter the workplace.But she doesn't want to work anyway so you have a future of subsidising your wife's pot addiction and watching her walk out the door as soon as you come home.
Come on man,do you not see where this is going.She will be caught smoking weed by her employer and he will call the cops.What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides heartache.
Andy, what are you suggesting he do? Just divorce her right now? They have a 6 year old son together.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #34 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

@FSU, your DW is quite a bit immature, if you have to explain this more than twice.

Ask her how she would feel if you spent so much time getting high with some other woman because you needed to relax?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #35 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:29 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Andy, what are you suggesting he do? Just divorce her right now? They have a 6 year old son together.
I'm suggesting he removes his son from an environment of abuse of prescription drugs and illegal drug taking.Her prescribed drugs are more than likely being neutralised by her weed addiction and most types of prescribed cannabis are not recommended for people suffering from anxiety because the initial feeling of euphoria is quickly lost to be replaced by even more anxiety.And that is only prescribed cannabis,who knows what **** she is smoking.This woman is also caring for other children and I am only speaking for myself but if I found out someone was using illegal substances while looking after my child she wouldn't be doing the job for much longer.Childminders where I live have to have background checks and must be available for drug testing and alcohol testing during working hours.
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post #36 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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I'm suggesting he removes his son from an environment of abuse of prescription drugs and illegal drug taking.Her prescribed drugs are more than likely being neutralised by her weed addiction and most types of prescribed cannabis are not recommended for people suffering from anxiety because the initial feeling of euphoria is quickly lost to be replaced by even more anxiety.And that is only prescribed cannabis,who knows what **** she is smoking.This woman is also caring for other children and I am only speaking for myself but if I found out someone was using illegal substances while looking after my child she wouldn't be doing the job for much longer.Childminders where I live have to have background checks and must be available for drug testing and alcohol testing during working hours.
You certainly make some good points.

Gosh, that would surely be hard for him to just leave her, though, especially as busy as he is with school and work. And the last thing he wants is for her to take up with another man and have his son around him, since his wife would probably have primary custody.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #37 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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I have raised the issue to her before and her response was of course that she trusts me and wouldn't be upset. I honestly could never believe that. The truth is that she would flip.

My wife is an amazing mother and caregiver. I would never disparage her in that regard. She takes medication to treat serious issues but that does not affect her ability to care for our son or the children she watches. She works her butt off, she just simply doesn't feel like she is at a place now where she can be in a traditional working environment.

As I said before, my previous relationship ended in a PA that I found out about and devistated me. I don't believe I have ever been able to trust anyone 100% since. I don't know that I ever will. I have always been paranoid since. I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.
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post #38 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

Trust your gut young grasshopper. I would put up some security cameras around the outside of the house. That will tell you all you need to know about her visits next door while you are at work.

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post #39 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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I have raised the issue to her before and her response was of course that she trusts me and wouldn't be upset. I honestly could never believe that. The truth is that she would flip.

My wife is an amazing mother and caregiver. I would never disparage her in that regard. She takes medication to treat serious issues but that does not affect her ability to care for our son or the children she watches. She works her butt off, she just simply doesn't feel like she is at a place now where she can be in a traditional working environment.

As I said before, my previous relationship ended in a PA that I found out about and devistated me. I don't believe I have ever been able to trust anyone 100% since. I don't know that I ever will. I have always been paranoid since. I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.
If your wife is involved in a car accident and is drug tested she will fail the test.If your child is with her he may be removed to foster care and then you will really know what heartache is.
Let me tell you something about cannabis that a lot of people don't know.In Dublin,Ireland,there is a prison called mountjoy.A few years ago there was an epidemic of heroin in the prison and nobody seemed to understand how it happened so quickly.What transpired was the prison had brought in a system of drug testing and had by law to give twenty four hours notice to the prisoners.The problem was cannabis can take weeks in certain cases to leave the human body.Heroin on the other hand takes only hours so someone going to prison who liked to get high started using heroin whereas before all they ever did was smoke weed.
I use this example to show you that just because your wife only smokes pot at night when you are looking after your son it will be in her system for weeks and if she is tested for any reason she will fail.And then your troubles will really begin.
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post #40 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:29 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
Ask her how she would feel if you were constantly taking smoke breaks with a colleague, who constantly buys you gifts and texts you everyday? If she says she doesn't care then you know your answer. you could arrange to have someone text you all the time and talk about your smoke breaks. Remember what is good for the goose is good for the gander, some people don't get that and your wife i one of them.

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post #41 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

FSU,

You asked me, @TAMAT,How did you resolve your situation? How did you finally get her to admit what was going on?

I told my W that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, I also told my W that OM-3s kids and grandkids would be held accountable if anything was going on or had gone on.

Had I done nothing I believe the resolution would have been to keep doing things with OM-3 and for her to become almost a sister or some sort of step-mother to OM-3s daughters.

I had sleepless nights and nightmares while this was going on and I destroyed the gifts he had given her as a way of getting rid of his influence.

In the end she told OM-3 his attentions towards her were inappropriate, and she said he apologized. After my W cooled things off with him he became very depressed and died a short while after. My W wanted to see him when he was dying but I told her she could not go without me so she did not go.

I still trigger when one of his daughters sees my W when we are out and hugs my W, I would guess that his daughters had become hardened to his cheating on their mom when he was younger and saw what went on with my W and OM-3 as nothing.

I'm not sure what my W feels about that time in her life she avoids talking about it, but perhaps I should ask her how she would feel sitting at home while I was out with a woman 40 years younger than me.

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post #42 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Originally Posted by FSU View Post
I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.
This is not really about trust. This is about reasonable marital boundaries.

One way to define what is reasonable, is to ask yourself a question. Do I have to rely on "trusting" my wife to act appropriately when she continually puts herself in a potentially inappropriate situation? If the answer is yes, then you have allowed her to cross a reasonable marital boundary. You shouldn't have to rely on trusting her.

Bottom line - tell her you can't control what she does but you can control what you accept from her. And constant communication and smoking pot with an opposite sex creepy neighbor, at his house; is something you will no longer accept.

If she loves you and values her marriage, she will stop the behavior. If she doesn't, she won't.

Last edited by badmemory; 04-19-2017 at 09:41 AM.
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post #43 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Ask her how she would feel if you were constantly taking smoke breaks with a colleague, who constantly buys you gifts and texts you everyday? If she says she doesn't care then you know your answer. you could arrange to have someone text you all the time and talk about your smoke breaks. Remember what is good for the goose is good for the gander, some people don't get that and your wife i one of them.


Aine, you beat me to it!!! But I would go much further then just simple texting. FSU, do as @aine has suggested, but start talking about a female who just got hired at your work, excessively. Obviously this female is made up, but use all the language your wife uses as excuses to see OM. Talk about this female all the time, how it's just so great to talk to someone after work. Tell her since you don't smoke that the female and you like to have a drink together. Use the same tactics as your wife, start being overly nice to your wife as she begins to get upset. Then say tomorrow your meeting for drinks. Start coming home late because you met with the female. Tell your wife how nice it is to have someone like this new female to spend time with, just like she does OM. Make a phone call to a friend and discuss the new female to them. Then just drop the bombshell so your wife can hear that you believe this female has a crush on you, has bought you gifts, and then giggle like an eighth grade school boy.

When your wife explodes just tell her this was her idea and you will not give up this female FRIEND. Tell your wife even if she stops seeing OM you will continue to see the female. When your wife stops seeing the OM for a week then tell her I better be heard the first time I mention something to you. Expose that there never was a female friend but in order for your wife to GET IT this was the measure you had to take. At this time you establish boundaries, and one boundary better be that you respect my concerns, because next time you will be dealing with a lawyer.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #44 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:20 AM
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I'm tired of wondering

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Originally Posted by FSU View Post
First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?

Not wrong at all.

The best thing you can do is simply state your boundary. It is not up for debate and it doesn't matter if she agrees with you- she just needs to stop doing it because you're not ok with it. Your boundaries are for you- she either respects them or she doesn't.

"I'm no longer willing to live like this. I'm not ok with you spending any time alone with X or having private communication with him through texts, chats, etc. I will make sure that when I come home, you and I can decompress together. If you need a break, please find a trustworthy girlfriend to hang out with. You spending alone time with men without me is not going to work for me."

The biggest issue is that your wife has inappropriate boundaries and thinks she's entitled to "relax" with anyone she chooses, including alone with a single guy. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that this will not work for you.


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post #45 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
FSU, here's some straight talk learned from the School of Hard Knocks ... disregard it at your own peril.

1. I'll venture to say that every BH here had a WW that felt she was "entitled" to something that her BH was uncomfortable with her doing. ENTITLEMENT is a M killer for WW. There is also a counterpoint to being "entitled" ... it also comes with a side of disrespect for their BH ... they simply can't respect YOU and feel "entitled" to act against your wishes.

2. Boundaries are great things in a healthy M, but you have two problems with boundaries ... she won't follow them ... and you haven't enforced them. Boundaries ... like ultimatums ... only work if the party setting the boundary or issuing the ultimatum is prepared to defend them. Again, it falls back to her lack of respect for you and your lack of respect for yourself.

I'm sure many of you will get tired of my posting this piece, but it speaks a powerful language to BH's struggling with their self-respect:

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.



It's time for you to step up and take back some measure of control over YOUR life. If you are uncomfortable with the current situation, then its way past time for a "Come to Jesus" moment with your W. She needs to understand that you are no longer accepting of this situation, and further contact with OM will be a deal breaker.

She will likely start squalling like a mashed cat over you being "controlling", which is straight from the Cheater's Handbook. Simply explain to her that you are not controlling her at all, she is free to do as she pleases, just not as your W. If she continues to smoke it up with the senior citizen, then defend your boundary and have her served. This guy is clearly wanting to fish in your pond ... it doesn't matter if your W says its OK for him to fish there ... it's YOUR pond and you won't tolerate him fishing there.

Time to have a serious discussion with that guy looking back at you in the mirror.
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