First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?
FSU, here's some straight talk learned from the School of Hard Knocks ... disregard it at your own peril.
1. I'll venture to say that every BH here had a WW that felt she was "entitled" to something that her BH was uncomfortable with her doing. ENTITLEMENT is a M killer for WW. There is also a counterpoint to being "entitled" ... it also comes with a side of disrespect for their BH ... they simply can't respect YOU and feel "entitled" to act against your wishes.
2. Boundaries are great things in a healthy M, but you have two problems with boundaries ... she won't follow them ... and you haven't enforced them. Boundaries ... like ultimatums ... only work if the party setting the boundary or issuing the ultimatum is prepared to defend them. Again, it falls back to her lack of respect for you and your lack of respect for yourself.
I'm sure many of you will get tired of my posting this piece, but it speaks a powerful language to BH's struggling with their self-respect: The Guy in the Glass
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
It's time for you to step up and take back some measure of control over YOUR life. If you are uncomfortable with the current situation, then its way past time for a "Come to Jesus" moment with your W. She needs to understand that you are no longer accepting of this situation, and further contact with OM will be a deal breaker.
She will likely start squalling like a mashed cat over you being "controlling", which is straight from the Cheater's Handbook. Simply explain to her that you are not controlling her at all, she is free to do as she pleases, just not as your W. If she continues to smoke it up with the senior citizen, then defend your boundary and have her served. This guy is clearly wanting to fish in your pond ... it doesn't matter if your W says its OK for him to fish there ... it's YOUR pond and you won't tolerate him fishing there.
Time to have a serious discussion with that guy looking back at you in the mirror.