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post #46 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
I'll venture to say that every BH here had a WW that felt she was "entitled" to something that her BH was uncomfortable with her doing.
QFT.

When I look back on my WW's boundary busting the years before Dday; and my lack of resolve to hold her accountable - wow. Sure I complained about all her GNO's and after work drinks with friends, but I just thought she was being disrespectful to me. I "trusted" her otherwise, so I never really gave her an ultimatum.

OP, the lesson I learned is this. If I had enforced my marital boundary's I might of had to divorce her, or she may have still found a way to cheat; but it would have made it a hell of a lot harder for her to do so.

Now, since we've been in R; she knows my boundaries are firmly in place and there's no ambiguity about whether I will defend them.


Last edited by badmemory; 04-19-2017 at 10:53 AM.
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post #47 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

This girl is a stoner.She smokes weed every day and her husband is supposedly paying for it.She is unemployable in any job that requires drug testing and she has made it clear to her husband that his boundaries mean nothing to her.She is responsible for the care of her own child and other children,probably while high.
She is quite the prize.
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post #48 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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She doesn't act differently, doesn't dress up to see this guy. Our sex life is the same as it's always been.
We all know the old guy wants to do ALL KINDS of naughty things to her. He's 50 and male. But he wants to do that with ALL females he knows between 18 and 55 that aren't...unappealing. He doesn't act on it with ANY of them, I'd say.

My gut, for what it's worth in this case, believes her. She just likes hanging with him. And I'm not saying hanging with another person that much outside of her marriage is healthy, necessarily. But the OP did. He was hunky-dory with it until he got paranoid about a sexual/emotional connection.
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post #49 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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This girl is a stoner.She smokes weed every day and her husband is supposedly paying for it.She is unemployable in any job that requires drug testing and she has made it clear to her husband that his boundaries mean nothing to her.She is responsible for the care of her own child and other children,probably while high.
She is quite the prize.
I have to speak up on this topic- cannabis is gaining more respect in the medical community. Even the National Institutes of Health reported that their studies in mice showed that cannabis has the ability to shrink cancerous tumors and kill cancer cells while preserving healthy ones.

There is also non-psychoactive CBD, a compound in cannabis that doesn't produce a high. There is evidence in peer-reviewed studies that CBD can benefit a lot of people who are currently suffering side-effects while on pharmaceuticals. Some drug tests can also detect CBD and this is a major obsticle for people like truck drivers, who suffer from industry-related ailments like insomnia, etc. who could greatly benefit from CBD/cannabis supplementation.

There is also evidence that small doses of THC (psychoactive) help teens and young adults with symptoms of ADHD. One doctor in Santa Barbara who formerly worked in the Federal Drug and Substance Abuse program for 20 years recommends it to teens in his practice with ADHD with great results in improving their performance in school, and life. He says the stigma surrounding cannabis is a problem and that many teens and young adults who use cannabis are in fact self-medicating.

All of this to say that for many people, including moms with PPD, children with autism, ADHD, or seizures, cannabis can be life-changing and with FAR fewer health risks than pharmaceuticals.

I apologize if this seems like a threadjack, but I wanted to speak up because I don't want the OP to think negatively of his wife for using cannabis, unless she is a chronic user and is using it in an unsafe way around her child. I think the OP's issue here is her inappropriate boundaries around men, not the fact that she uses cannabis.
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post #50 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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I have to speak up on this topic- cannabis is gaining more respect in the medical community. Even the National Institutes of Health reported that their studies in mice showed that cannabis has the ability to shrink cancerous tumors and kill cancer cells while preserving healthy ones.

There is also non-psychoactive CBD, a compound in cannabis that doesn't produce a high. There is evidence in peer-reviewed studies that CBD can benefit a lot of people who are currently suffering side-effects while on pharmaceuticals. Some drug tests can also detect CBD and this is a major obsticle for people like truck drivers, who suffer from industry-related ailments like insomnia, etc. who could greatly benefit from CBD/cannabis supplementation.

There is also evidence that small doses of THC (psychoactive) help teens and young adults with symptoms of ADHD. One doctor in Santa Barbara who formerly worked in the Federal Drug and Substance Abuse program for 20 years recommends it to teens in his practice with ADHD with great results in improving their performance in school, and life. He says the stigma surrounding cannabis is a problem and that many teens and young adults who use cannabis are in fact self-medicating.

All of this to say that for many people, including moms with PPD, children with autism, ADHD, or seizures, cannabis can be life-changing and with FAR fewer health risks than pharmaceuticals.

I apologize if this seems like a threadjack, but I wanted to speak up because I don't want the OP to think negatively of his wife for using cannabis, unless she is a chronic user and is using it in an unsafe way around her child. I think the OP's issue here is her inappropriate boundaries around men, not the fact that she uses cannabis.
I have to disagree, there is very scanty data at best on the benefits of cannabis. It's very addictive and does affect brain function. It's a good thing to stay away from.

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post #51 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:56 PM
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This is all true information. The problem lies in her using prescription drugs for anxiety and depression while she is smoking cannabis. She smokes every day and if we were talking about alcohol she would be classed as an alcoholic. We can all look up reports about the benefits of cannabis. If she is using illegal cannabis and working around children I would prefer to err on the side of caution.
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post #52 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

I once dated a married women and when I inquired about her husband she said don't worry about him because I blew him last night and been giving him all the sex he wants. You should not have to wonder about your spouse. Odds are that if she is making excuses for her behavior rather than quelling your concerns, she is cheating. I would have a problem even if she was not cheating but behaving in a way that makes me believe she is cheating. I do not need to see proof to know what I feel and whether she is cheating or not, she is making you feel uncomfortable and refuses to do anything about it. If it sounds like cheating, looks like cheating and feels like cheating, it is cheating. I know that when I had an girlfriend that I first showed my wife more attention and then started to distance myself from her. All of her faults all of a sudden became a big deal. I was distancing her to get rid of the guilt feelings I have. It is far more easier to cheat on someone you feel you no longer love than one you still love.

Don't worry about us though, we ended up in a non monogamous marriage not because of me, but because my wife came out as bisexual and wanted her girlfriend to move in with us. Her girlfriend was with us for 30 years and that is a lot more time than I spent with a handful of one night stands.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #53 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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I think the OP's issue here is her inappropriate boundaries around men, not the fact that she uses cannabis.
Thanks for trying to keep this thread on topic. Weed is not OP's problem ... it's just the common factor these 2 are using to spend time together. Not much different from co-workers, being on the same sports team, sharing some other hobby, etc. It is just the connection that keeps these 2 opposite sex individuals in close proximity to where it has caused marital problems.
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post #54 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

Ok.Am I completely in the wrong in being concerned about some pothead being left in charge of young children.Is this now considered acceptable behaviour for a parent.I would like all the drug apologists on this forum to consider this.
She is a stoner with no behavioural boundaries who is left in charge of her own child and someone else's children and she is being excused because she neede some adult conversation.
WTF.
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post #55 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

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Ok.Am I completely in the wrong in being concerned about some pothead being left in charge of young children.Is this now considered acceptable behaviour for a parent.I would like all the drug apologists on this forum to consider this.
She is a stoner with no behavioural boundaries who is left in charge of her own child and someone else's children and she is being excused because she neede some adult conversation.
WTF.
None of us are excusing her behavior and boundaries. I just don't want to villainise her for using cannabis, since I know women who have had success with cannabis to treat conditions that can be very difficult in a marriage/family (depression, anxiety, pain, PPD, bi-polar, etc.). So I wanted to point it out, that just because she might not pass a drug test due to cannabis, that doesn't make her automatically unfit as a wife and mother. Similar to how prescribed opiate use or A/D or ADHD meds wouldn't- unless she's abusing it, in which the OP can add that to the list of his issues with his wife.

And no, I don't think that drinking a glass or two of wine a night would raise a red flag for me either. Many doctors recommend that. A bottle? Yes, that would be an issue.

ETA* Cannabis is now legal in most states, including ours. So that might make a difference to how you feel about the OP's wife using it.


Last edited by Jessica38; 04-19-2017 at 06:53 PM.
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post #56 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: I'm tired of wondering

This I could never understand,

She is your wife.

This other guy is a man. Slow witted, un-employed, whatever. He poses a threat.

Stop talking to your wife. Just stop it.

Go talk to this Dude. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, to:

"Stay the EF away from my wife".

Tell him: "I do not like you. I have no use for you, you are nothing to me".

Get your own GD women!

Stare at him for ten seconds and ask him if he has any questions.

If he says that [the wife] wants to talk to me. I am not forcing anything with her.

Tell him, "That was before, you WILL listen to Me, now. My wife is off limits! Raise your voice, Bring down the rafters.

I cannot recommend getting in his face if he persists, but that would be my next move.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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