I'm tired of wondering - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 109Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
FSU
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
I'm tired of wondering

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

Wife and I are in our late 20's, been married for 8 yrs and have a 6 year old. Shortly after our son was born, my wife became a SAHM. I work full time and go to school to support the family. A couple of years ago we moved into our home (rental). We have a great relationship and I love her unconditionally.

My wife started babysitting about a year ago to earn some extra money for the family, shortly after our son started going to school. She's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and takes medication, but has confided to me that she doesn't think she can enter the workforce again. So she babysits during the day while I work.

My wife is what you would call "420" friendly. She likes to smoke and although I do not, I don't mind if she does it responsibly, after I get home and after our son goes to bed.

We live next door to our landlord, who is confined to a wheelchair and is in bad health. His brother, who is an absolute loser of a man stays with him and is his caretaker. This man has never had a job, is in his mid 50's and takes care of my landlord for room and board. This man also likes to smoke weed.

My wife and this man (caretaker) have developed a friendship over the past couple of years, where she will go over to his house and smoke with him. I've allowed this (stupidly) because I have never seen this man as a threat to our marriage. He has the mental capacity of a 12 year old it seems.

Over the course of the last few years, he has bought her gifts (small things here and there) and will do things like check our mail and bring it to our home. I started to get a little aggravated about it because I could see that his intentions were starting to come off as strange. She friended him on Facebook and he was sending her messages constantly. Nothing bad, just videos and funny pictures, but the volume was staggering (20+ overnight).

I finally had about enough and told her that I felt like he was not behaving in a way that was supportive of our marriage and I didn't want her hanging around him anymore. She says the reason she even goes to see him is because she's been around kids all day and just wants to get out of the house for a while during the week and relax. She swears he has never acted inappropriate towards her, and that she would never give him the impression that that kind of behavior would be acceptable. She however, doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with her behavior and has not stopped going over despite my request.

He calls her just about every night, sometimes twice a night to try and get her to come over to his house. Since I voiced my objections, she will now ignore his calls. He has stopped sending Facebook messages almost completely, and does not give her gifts anymore. I am afraid that there is at least a EA going on, and my objections have just driven this underground. I can't honestly believe that she could ever be attracted to this guy. He is basically a functioning homeless person, but I guess anything is possible.

My gut has been screaming for a while now. She doesn't act differently, doesn't dress up to see this guy. Our sex life is the same as it's always been. However I have been reading a lot about "distancing" psychological techniques and the way to make someone feel not as likely of a threat, and I believe she is doing this subconsciously. "He's a loser" " I hate him" etc. She now has been claiming that by going over she is "keeping the peace" by being nice to our landlord and checking on him to make sure he's ok. I don't know if I'm overly paranoid (my last relationship ended in a PA so I'm hyper sensitive and don't want to be played again) but I don't want to accuse my wife of something she hasn't done. I've VARed the house, no contact during the day while I'm gone. No texts, he doesn't even own a cell phone.


She knows how I feel about this and will be OVERLY nice to me if she wants to go over when I get home. I don't know if I should go too, but I don't like the guy one bit and it would be very awkward and they would obviously know what I was doing. I also don't want him in my house. The other day I overheard her talking to a girlfriend and she admitted that she thinks he has a crush on her, but laughed it off to her girlfriend. Any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife but if I confirm anything is going on I'm gone. 100%

FSU is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:57 PM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 649
Re: I'm tired of wondering

If there's weed in the mix, sexual tension between the two of them is absolutely inevitable when they smoke together alone. Yes I've smoked with enough male friends to know this. Yes this is at least an EA.

You need to find a new rental.
Keke24 is offline  
post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:08 PM Thread Starter
FSU
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Re: I'm tired of wondering

@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.
FSU is offline  
 
post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:10 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 9,010
Re: I'm tired of wondering

You and she both need to read this book. It is not just for 'after' infidelity. If more couples read this before they got serious maybe there'd be a lot of them who never started down the slippery slope in the first place.

https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca...5502-item.html

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Hope1964 is offline  
post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:12 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 9,010
Re: I'm tired of wondering

Quote:
Originally Posted by FSU View Post
@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.
For some reason, some 20 something girls seem to go for older dudes. I've never understood it, nor have I ever done it. But it's possible. DO NOT discount it just cuz of his age.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Hope1964 is offline  
post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:25 PM
Forum Supporter
 
anchorwatch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Long Island
Posts: 3,563
Re: I'm tired of wondering

You are a bit naive.

He's a man without much, he'll take it if he can get it.

She is also a bit naive and her boundaries are problematic for a wife and mother.

25+ years or not she's getting something from a male figure in her life other than you.

Why isn't she getting her release time with you?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
anchorwatch is online now  
post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:26 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
I'm tired of wondering

Quote:
Originally Posted by FSU View Post
@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.

Most people do not go looking for affairs and often "affair down" from their spouse because they did not expect to develop feelings for someone like that (older, burnout, etc.).

Women can develop feelings for a guy who regularly gives them attention, affection, intimate conversation, and companionship.

This is why people who have appropriate boundaries typically do not have affairs- they don't allow the opposite sex to meet any of the above needs.

The volume of texting alone signals an EA with this guy. It likely started as a way to find companionship while you are gone a lot (working FT and going to school). She's getting her needs met outside of the marriage.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Jessica38 is offline  
post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:28 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,463
Re: I'm tired of wondering

How about moving?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 943
Re: I'm tired of wondering

FSU,

Your gut is going off for a reason, my guess is that this dude is making attempts to breach your Ws defenses and will succeed to some measure if he has not already.

OM-3 with my W was 85 years old, and as my W put it disgusting, I never met him although I went looking before he died. So why did my W drive him places, go into his apartment, become accepted by his family, make statements to me that cheaters make and accept gifts from him?

I think the answer is that he was meeting my Ws needs in ways I was not, when I was not there, he gave her admiration, he gave her unconditional acceptance, he flattered her in ways he had refined over the years. I not sure if my W complained about our marriage to OM-3 but it would not surprise me as that is part of the progression in conversation that OM become good at.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,046
Re: I'm tired of wondering

Quote:
Originally Posted by FSU View Post
@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.
I would have a very serious "chat"with this dude and inquire on whether he liked hospital food.
Just saying.

Andy1001 is offline  
post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
FSU
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
@Jld I wish we could. Basically short answer is limited financial resources currently. I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.
FSU is offline  
post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:39 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,463
Re: I'm tired of wondering

Quote:
Originally Posted by FSU View Post
@Jld I wish we could. Basically short answer is limited financial resources currently. I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.
Then tell your wife the smoking with him is over.

And have Andy talk to the guy.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
FSU
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
@Andy1001 I get you. I have debated this more than once. I have an MMA background and I could hurt this guy if given the opportunity. He is deathly scared of me, doesn't speak to me whatsoever. If I were to do that, it most certainly would end with us having to move, something I'm not financially able to do.
FSU is offline  
post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
FSU
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.
FSU is offline  
post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:47 PM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 649
Re: I'm tired of wondering

Quote:
Originally Posted by FSU View Post
@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.
There will be sexual tension regardless of age and attractiveness. The oh fvkk moment came for me when I experienced sexual tension with a male cousin. Pretty gross right? Even worse he's the most worthless, unambitious person I know. Yep this is what ganja does when you smoke one on one repeatedly with a member of the opposite sex.
Keke24 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just really tired. really really tired. 2inthemorning General Relationship Discussion 13 12-12-2016 11:43 PM
Seperation starting, Im tired johnathen Going Through Divorce or Separation 5 05-31-2016 04:04 PM
Trust gone....... Getting tired Dannodown General Relationship Discussion 14 04-21-2016 07:44 AM
Tired of doing everything RANT MWPP731 Considering Divorce or Separation 21 03-31-2016 02:39 PM
Wondering...Am I Selfish? unhappy2000 Considering Divorce or Separation 20 03-25-2016 10:02 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome