I'm tired of wondering
Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as concise as possible.
Wife and I are in our late 20's, been married for 8 yrs and have a 6 year old. Shortly after our son was born, my wife became a SAHM. I work full time and go to school to support the family. A couple of years ago we moved into our home (rental). We have a great relationship and I love her unconditionally.
My wife started babysitting about a year ago to earn some extra money for the family, shortly after our son started going to school. She's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and takes medication, but has confided to me that she doesn't think she can enter the workforce again. So she babysits during the day while I work.
My wife is what you would call "420" friendly. She likes to smoke and although I do not, I don't mind if she does it responsibly, after I get home and after our son goes to bed.
We live next door to our landlord, who is confined to a wheelchair and is in bad health. His brother, who is an absolute loser of a man stays with him and is his caretaker. This man has never had a job, is in his mid 50's and takes care of my landlord for room and board. This man also likes to smoke weed.
My wife and this man (caretaker) have developed a friendship over the past couple of years, where she will go over to his house and smoke with him. I've allowed this (stupidly) because I have never seen this man as a threat to our marriage. He has the mental capacity of a 12 year old it seems.
Over the course of the last few years, he has bought her gifts (small things here and there) and will do things like check our mail and bring it to our home. I started to get a little aggravated about it because I could see that his intentions were starting to come off as strange. She friended him on Facebook and he was sending her messages constantly. Nothing bad, just videos and funny pictures, but the volume was staggering (20+ overnight).
I finally had about enough and told her that I felt like he was not behaving in a way that was supportive of our marriage and I didn't want her hanging around him anymore. She says the reason she even goes to see him is because she's been around kids all day and just wants to get out of the house for a while during the week and relax. She swears he has never acted inappropriate towards her, and that she would never give him the impression that that kind of behavior would be acceptable. She however, doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with her behavior and has not stopped going over despite my request.
He calls her just about every night, sometimes twice a night to try and get her to come over to his house. Since I voiced my objections, she will now ignore his calls. He has stopped sending Facebook messages almost completely, and does not give her gifts anymore. I am afraid that there is at least a EA going on, and my objections have just driven this underground. I can't honestly believe that she could ever be attracted to this guy. He is basically a functioning homeless person, but I guess anything is possible.
My gut has been screaming for a while now. She doesn't act differently, doesn't dress up to see this guy. Our sex life is the same as it's always been. However I have been reading a lot about "distancing" psychological techniques and the way to make someone feel not as likely of a threat, and I believe she is doing this subconsciously. "He's a loser" " I hate him" etc. She now has been claiming that by going over she is "keeping the peace" by being nice to our landlord and checking on him to make sure he's ok. I don't know if I'm overly paranoid (my last relationship ended in a PA so I'm hyper sensitive and don't want to be played again) but I don't want to accuse my wife of something she hasn't done. I've VARed the house, no contact during the day while I'm gone. No texts, he doesn't even own a cell phone.
She knows how I feel about this and will be OVERLY nice to me if she wants to go over when I get home. I don't know if I should go too, but I don't like the guy one bit and it would be very awkward and they would obviously know what I was doing. I also don't want him in my house. The other day I overheard her talking to a girlfriend and she admitted that she thinks he has a crush on her, but laughed it off to her girlfriend. Any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife but if I confirm anything is going on I'm gone. 100%