Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:00 PM Thread Starter
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Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

I am new to these forums, and this is my first post. I am here because I really do not know where to turn.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, and I am currently pregnant. We got married a year after meeting, which I know is quick, but I am in my late 30s and have had several long-term relationships, so I felt pretty confident about my judgment. I now realize that that was a mistake.

Basically, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered that my husband had started up some kind of a flirtation with a co-worker. It hadn't progressed very far yet, thankfully, but I discovered some sexually-tinged texts and found out they'd been talking on the phone and even met up once outside of work. In the course of discovering this, I began asking a lot of questions, and then his answers would lead to more questions, and eventually things from the past began to come up as well. I guess there's no need to get into how each new thing came out, but in the past few weeks, besides this work flirtation, he has now admitted to so many lies that my head is spinning. A sampling:

- Had extensive text and phone conversations with an ex while I was out of town for work last year and tried to contact her again the next time I left town
- Had a couple of sexual experiences with men just before we met (he told me when we were dating that he thought he might be bi-sexual but had never acted on it)
- Had a minor drug conviction from a decade ago
- And the weirdest one of all - MADE UP an entire past relationship, including a rejected proposal, getting cheated on, the woman having miscarriages, etc. The woman he talked about as his "ex," was literally a figment of his imagination. He told me that he both made stuff up completely and then, for other stories, took things that had happened with a different ex (the one he talked to while I was away) and pretended they were with this imaginary one. He said he did the latter because he was so embarrassed about having been strung along by the same girl for so many years when they hadn't really dated (I call her an "ex," because they slept together for several years, but, technically, they did not date as she was officially with someone else as well as sleeping around with many others while they were "friends.")
- There are more things - like lies about his salary, etc - but this list seems like enough to give you all the jist.

I now feel completely devastated. Finding the work flirtation was bad enough - who knew all of this other insane crap would unravel as well? He says that he thinks he is messed up, and he wants to get therapy, and he decided to confess all of these past lies to me now because he's ready to move on, grow up, and learn to "be the man I deserve." He does not want to separate, claims that he is madly in love with me, says that he began lying out of insecurity and then let it get out of hand, and it kept snowballing as we got to know each other more, and I would ask more questions. He has agreed to switch to a different work location to avoid the current girl, get a new joint phone account, a new joint email, and let me have the password to his phone. And he's willing to do both individual and marriage counseling. In other words, he's said and done just about everything one could hope for if one wanted to move past all of this and save the marriage.

Nonetheless, I do not know if I CAN move past it and whether it's even worth it. Given that we weren't together that long before we married and there have been so many lies, I feel almost like I married a stranger. I feel like he tricked me or something - told me what he thought I wanted to here, swept me off my feet, pushed for a quick marriage and a quick pregnancy, and now that I have gotten myself in really deep, all of this insane crap is coming out. If it were not for the fact that I have a baby on the way, I'm not sure I would even be considering staying - but this is my first child, I have little social support in my location and no family support, and I'm really worried about trying to raise a child on my own with no experience or help.

So, basically, I do not know what to do. A part of me says that I ought to cut my losses, be thankful I found out now rather than ten years from now, leave, and do my best with my child on my own. The other part of me feels like I did not wait this long to get married only to get divorced less than a year later. Does anyone see any hope here? Or do I seem like I am deluding myself out of fear?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

This guy sounds completely crazy.

Dump him and move on.

Sorry.

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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:54 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

You might be able to get annulment due him misrepresenting himself.

How far along are you in the pregnancy? You may be able to move to be close to your family before the baby is born, so you will have a support system.

I recommend that you immediately buy a book on divorce in your state and look into the laws on annulment in your state as well. After you have a good idea of what your rights and responsibilities are, interview some attorneys.

I understand you considering staying with him due to your pregnancy, but it is best that you know all of your options.

One thing that you will probably not be able to shake is whether you will ever know if he is telling the truth or not about anything and not being able to tell if he has really repented and had a serious heart change. You don't know him well enough to gauge that. You are right that the man you married is a stranger.

I'm sorry you're here under these circumstances.

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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Google "sunk cost fallacy". It's never too late


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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Quote:
Originally Posted by ebovary View Post
I am new to these forums, and this is my first post. I am here because I really do not know where to turn.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, and I am currently pregnant. We got married a year after meeting, which I know is quick, but I am in my late 30s and have had several long-term relationships, so I felt pretty confident about my judgment. I now realize that that was a mistake.

Basically, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered that my husband had started up some kind of a flirtation with a co-worker. It hadn't progressed very far yet, thankfully, but I discovered some sexually-tinged texts and found out they'd been talking on the phone and even met up once outside of work. In the course of discovering this, I began asking a lot of questions, and then his answers would lead to more questions, and eventually things from the past began to come up as well. I guess there's no need to get into how each new thing came out, but in the past few weeks, besides this work flirtation, he has now admitted to so many lies that my head is spinning. A sampling:

- Had extensive text and phone conversations with an ex while I was out of town for work last year and tried to contact her again the next time I left town
- Had a couple of sexual experiences with men just before we met (he told me when we were dating that he thought he might be bi-sexual but had never acted on it)
- Had a minor drug conviction from a decade ago
- And the weirdest one of all - MADE UP an entire past relationship, including a rejected proposal, getting cheated on, the woman having miscarriages, etc. The woman he talked about as his "ex," was literally a figment of his imagination. He told me that he both made stuff up completely and then, for other stories, took things that had happened with a different ex (the one he talked to while I was away) and pretended they were with this imaginary one. He said he did the latter because he was so embarrassed about having been strung along by the same girl for so many years when they hadn't really dated (I call her an "ex," because they slept together for several years, but, technically, they did not date as she was officially with someone else as well as sleeping around with many others while they were "friends.")
- There are more things - like lies about his salary, etc - but this list seems like enough to give you all the jist.

I now feel completely devastated. Finding the work flirtation was bad enough - who knew all of this other insane crap would unravel as well? He says that he thinks he is messed up, and he wants to get therapy, and he decided to confess all of these past lies to me now because he's ready to move on, grow up, and learn to "be the man I deserve." He does not want to separate, claims that he is madly in love with me, says that he began lying out of insecurity and then let it get out of hand, and it kept snowballing as we got to know each other more, and I would ask more questions. He has agreed to switch to a different work location to avoid the current girl, get a new joint phone account, a new joint email, and let me have the password to his phone. And he's willing to do both individual and marriage counseling. In other words, he's said and done just about everything one could hope for if one wanted to move past all of this and save the marriage.

Nonetheless, I do not know if I CAN move past it and whether it's even worth it. Given that we weren't together that long before we married and there have been so many lies, I feel almost like I married a stranger. I feel like he tricked me or something - told me what he thought I wanted to here, swept me off my feet, pushed for a quick marriage and a quick pregnancy, and now that I have gotten myself in really deep, all of this insane crap is coming out. If it were not for the fact that I have a baby on the way, I'm not sure I would even be considering staying - but this is my first child, I have little social support in my location and no family support, and I'm really worried about trying to raise a child on my own with no experience or help.

So, basically, I do not know what to do. A part of me says that I ought to cut my losses, be thankful I found out now rather than ten years from now, leave, and do my best with my child on my own. The other part of me feels like I did not wait this long to get married only to get divorced less than a year later. Does anyone see any hope here? Or do I seem like I am deluding myself out of fear?

I wouldn't trust this man as far as I would throw him, he sounds totally messed up.
Tell him you have not decided to stay in the marriage get and want him to get help first and you will see how it goes. Throw the ball totally into his court and let him work over a period of time to keep you, otherwise you are out.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

I wonder why he admitted to all those lies. And I wonder what lies he has not fessed up to yet.

How much did he misrepresent his income? 50%? 75%? ???
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:45 AM
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Cool Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Always remember that in the extremely fine art of the detection of lying and deception, that ones gut instincts are normally always about 99.9% correct!

Moral of this story: Always trust your "gut!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:59 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Quote:
Originally Posted by ebovary View Post
I am new to these forums, and this is my first post. I am here because I really do not know where to turn.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, and I am currently pregnant. We got married a year after meeting, which I know is quick, but I am in my late 30s and have had several long-term relationships, so I felt pretty confident about my judgment. I now realize that that was a mistake.

Basically, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered that my husband had started up some kind of a flirtation with a co-worker. It hadn't progressed very far yet, thankfully, but I discovered some sexually-tinged texts and found out they'd been talking on the phone and even met up once outside of work. In the course of discovering this, I began asking a lot of questions, and then his answers would lead to more questions, and eventually things from the past began to come up as well. I guess there's no need to get into how each new thing came out, but in the past few weeks, besides this work flirtation, he has now admitted to so many lies that my head is spinning. A sampling:

- Had extensive text and phone conversations with an ex while I was out of town for work last year and tried to contact her again the next time I left town
- Had a couple of sexual experiences with men just before we met (he told me when we were dating that he thought he might be bi-sexual but had never acted on it)
- Had a minor drug conviction from a decade ago
- And the weirdest one of all - MADE UP an entire past relationship, including a rejected proposal, getting cheated on, the woman having miscarriages, etc. The woman he talked about as his "ex," was literally a figment of his imagination. He told me that he both made stuff up completely and then, for other stories, took things that had happened with a different ex (the one he talked to while I was away) and pretended they were with this imaginary one. He said he did the latter because he was so embarrassed about having been strung along by the same girl for so many years when they hadn't really dated (I call her an "ex," because they slept together for several years, but, technically, they did not date as she was officially with someone else as well as sleeping around with many others while they were "friends.")
- There are more things - like lies about his salary, etc - but this list seems like enough to give you all the jist.

I now feel completely devastated. Finding the work flirtation was bad enough - who knew all of this other insane crap would unravel as well? He says that he thinks he is messed up, and he wants to get therapy, and he decided to confess all of these past lies to me now because he's ready to move on, grow up, and learn to "be the man I deserve." He does not want to separate, claims that he is madly in love with me, says that he began lying out of insecurity and then let it get out of hand, and it kept snowballing as we got to know each other more, and I would ask more questions. He has agreed to switch to a different work location to avoid the current girl, get a new joint phone account, a new joint email, and let me have the password to his phone. And he's willing to do both individual and marriage counseling. In other words, he's said and done just about everything one could hope for if one wanted to move past all of this and save the marriage.

Nonetheless, I do not know if I CAN move past it and whether it's even worth it. Given that we weren't together that long before we married and there have been so many lies, I feel almost like I married a stranger. I feel like he tricked me or something - told me what he thought I wanted to here, swept me off my feet, pushed for a quick marriage and a quick pregnancy, and now that I have gotten myself in really deep, all of this insane crap is coming out. If it were not for the fact that I have a baby on the way, I'm not sure I would even be considering staying - but this is my first child, I have little social support in my location and no family support, and I'm really worried about trying to raise a child on my own with no experience or help.

So, basically, I do not know what to do. A part of me says that I ought to cut my losses, be thankful I found out now rather than ten years from now, leave, and do my best with my child on my own. The other part of me feels like I did not wait this long to get married only to get divorced less than a year later. Does anyone see any hope here? Or do I seem like I am deluding myself out of fear?
Hi @ebovary

Thanks for your message. I know this must be extremely frustrating, not to mention a little heartbreaking as well. He's definitely playing with your emotions and to be completely blunt with you, the behaviour is not acceptable.

The male mind is a very interesting one. Guys want freedom. Guys hate to feel tied down. Guys hate drama and they hate feeling criticised.
Guys are also extremely insecure and hence they will make up lots of stories to ensure they feel significant or can pass the blame onto someone else. I've seen it time and time again and sadly for a lot of people, it makes absolutely no sense. Beneath the tough exterior, there is a little boy that want's to feel worthy and sometimes that comes in the form of needing to get lots of attention and making up silly stories that, for a short time, cover up the feelings of inferiority.

Now i'm not saying that's what's happening here. There could be a number of things but I would hazard a guess that it's a combination of what I've stated above.

To add to this, we can sit here and speculate all we like but the truth is that, the real decision that needs to be made here is - what standards and values am I prepared to live by and is he treating me in a way that I wish to be treated?

It's clear he is not so it's really important that he knows that in no uncertain terms, he needs to step up here. He needs to know that you are one hell of a woman and he is lucky to even spend some time with you and because of that, he needs to raise his game. If he's not going to - well, you know what to do.

I know that the mixed signals can play with your mind and as a result, cause you to fluctuate between frustration/sadness/anger all the way to joy and elation at times. But what you need to be on the lookout for here is consistency of action.

If he demonstrates this on a regular basis, then it's worth pursuing. if not, then you will need to part ways.

You are well within your right to want to walk away and that would be totally justifiable. However, I tend to view things from a compassionate place and sometimes an experience like this can lead to dramatic change within the partner who is acting poorly.

I hope this makes sense and gives you some food for thought.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 03:22 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Leave him, or stay married to a cheating liar?

He had not given you much of a choice, has he?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 03:49 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

He is a crazy chronic liar, everything he says - the small things and of course big things will be lies. He likely lies so much, he doesn't even know where the truth is in his own mind.

Too bad you are pregnant with his kid. Divorce him ASAP, annulment.

Before you talk to him again... get your hands on a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder - with USB /SONY if you can) - and if its legal in your state, somehow get him to talk about all these things he has done before you, and while you were in a relationship with him. To show the court, that he's insane or should have limited / supervised visits only.

You can also possibly not put him on the birth certificate.

He's gonna be 18yrs of nightmare drama.

Sorry.


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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:15 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

He's obviously not husband material.

Please get STD tested, for your own safety and that of your unborn child.

I'd let him go. No matter how old and wise you think you are, never underestimate the gift of time and what it tells us about people. It sounds like maybe you wanted to be a mom before it was too late, which I understand, but unfortunately your need (if I'm correct) caused you to choose prematurely and without sufficient assurance of his intentions. You can't fix his problems, they are part of who he is. Only he can address them and he should do it without you. Being with a work in progress will only anger you over time.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was married for 13 years to a person who wore an amazingly convincing mask. Consider it a blessing you found out now what took me 13 years to uncover.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:42 AM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

Quote:
Originally Posted by ebovary View Post
If it were not for the fact that I have a baby on the way, I'm not sure I would even be considering staying - but this is my first child, I have little social support in my location and no family support, and I'm really worried about trying to raise a child on my own with no experience or help.
Let me guess. You moved to where this guy lives and have no family nearby and haven't made any strong friendships.

If you're smart, you'll use this time to move back to where you came from BEFORE you give birth. If you wait until after and this nut-job is on the birth certificate, he'll legally make your life a living hell and you'll be stuck there until that kid is 18 or so.

I REPEAT: move while you can.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

It has been my personal experience that liars do not change.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

This is basically what my wife did to me. She told me a bunch of stuff that she wanted for our marriage that turned out to be lies and the biggest one of all was that she really wanted to work and pursue her career while married and having kids. She waited until we were married and she was pregnant before she said that she wants to be a SAHM and quit her job before telling me anything. I felt played and still do 27 years later. I obviously decided to stay but it was the wrong decision. In your situation I would divorce him and have the child on your own. This guy is a compulsive liar and I doubt he will snap out of it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Just discovered my husband has been lying since I met him

We know a few people who got divorced in under a year of marriage. The last one was married to a guy who cheated on her throughout their courtship and engagement. Kept on doing it after they married but was harder to hide with a wife living with him. She caught him and divorced him in 8 months. Seems that everyone knew that he cheated on her because he told all the males he knew, including me. He was bragging about it.

Most of you probably have no idea of how prevalent cheating is. Last study that was published in a woman's magazine and in several newspapers, showed that 70% of men and 50-60% of women, cheat. All of my bosses cheated, even the female ones. All but one of my secretaries cheated, don't ask me how I know. All of our siblings cheated. We are trying to live in an unnatural state of monogamy in a marriage structure that fails 50% of the time and all think it will never happen to them when in actuality it is a coin toss.

Just keep in mind that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Your husband is not going to turn into prince charming overnight. He will be who he is and to expect it to change is simply lying to yourself to avoid the heartache of divorce. At this point you cannot trust anything he says. Cheaters will deny and lie even if you have proof. I feel sorry for you. Stuff like this is best found out in your relationship before marriage but we are all blinded by love. I did not even think about my ex fiancee cheating and yet she was. I am more realistic now and more mature having seen a lot in my 65 years on earth. When it comes to sex, trust no one.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-19-2017 at 02:45 PM.
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