Has feelings for a women - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:14 PM Thread Starter
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Has feelings for a women

Where to begin. Was told 4 weeks ago that my wife felt we were more like friends and not as a couple. Lacked passion. I was negative and needed to change. Went to a shrink. Started to look at some options for low testosterone. Basically I was the a hole of the relationship. Turns out I am not that messed up. If anything I have been looking at a lot of things in the wrong frame of mind. Small issues were just over analyzed...until today when I find out she has feelings for a women. A women who is a lesbien and works at her school! She said she has feeings for her and is not sure what to do. And she said its not me. Im a great husband, great father, no reason to leave you, treat me like a queen...so why are you interested in women? Now I'm a mess, hence Mr.Doormat! What the hell do I do now? My in laws will support her and want to get her some help. I just cant for the life of me figure out A, What went wrong and B. What do I do now. We have a 4 year old son who is in the middle. Any advice would be great. Yes I love her and cant see myself with out her. Have no clue what is next.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

She is having an affair with a woman. It's cheating. What would you tell your brother or best friend if you found out their spouse was cheating on them?

Same advise you would give them applies to yourself even if that hurts a ton.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

So tell her that's nice and all but you have to choose ..................now.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Only thing that works is to blow it up. Talk to a lawyer and get the papers together. File and dump them on her at her school. Maybe that will shock her enough to get her out of it. If not don't try to beg for her that never works. The only thing that works is if you get strong. We read these stories over and over. They are all the same.

This is really no different then if it was a guy. It's just a sleazy, I guess some women give themselves a pass because of the same sex thing. But it's really the same old story.

read this.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:05 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

...choose her or divorce. NEXT! You will be fine without her.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 03:38 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
Where to begin. Was told 4 weeks ago that my wife felt we were more like friends and not as a couple. Lacked passion. I was negative and needed to change. Went to a shrink. Started to look at some options for low testosterone. Basically I was the a hole of the relationship. Turns out I am not that messed up. If anything I have been looking at a lot of things in the wrong frame of mind. Small issues were just over analyzed...until today when I find out she has feelings for a women. A women who is a lesbien and works at her school! She said she has feeings for her and is not sure what to do. And she said its not me. Im a great husband, great father, no reason to leave you, treat me like a queen...so why are you interested in women? Now I'm a mess, hence Mr.Doormat! What the hell do I do now? My in laws will support her and want to get her some help. I just cant for the life of me figure out A, What went wrong and B. What do I do now. We have a 4 year old son who is in the middle. Any advice would be great. Yes I love her and cant see myself with out her. Have no clue what is next.
Hi @Mr.Doormat

I'm really sorry for what you're having to go through.
My best friend had to go through a similar situation where his wife was sleeping with his business partners wife and it's a really difficult experience to say the least.

The natural tendency here is to try and analyse everything and wonder why and how it all happened and as tempting as it can be, it's important for you to not indulge in that. It's really about moving forward and that starts with picking yourself up and deciding on the standards by which you wish to be treated. Developing your own self worth needs to be the priority - easier said than done I know, but it's about slowly building it, day by day and being patient with the process.

I know lots of people tend to stick around for the sake of kids, but sadly they forget that the child's role model of love is a poor one and that is actually doing them harm in the long run. Keep that in your mind when it comes to deciding on your future.
Quick question - how long have you both been married?

All the best my friend.

Thanks
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:30 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
Where to begin. Was told 4 weeks ago that my wife felt we were more like friends and not as a couple. Lacked passion. I was negative and needed to change. Went to a shrink. Started to look at some options for low testosterone. Basically I was the a hole of the relationship. Turns out I am not that messed up. If anything I have been looking at a lot of things in the wrong frame of mind. Small issues were just over analyzed...until today when I find out she has feelings for a women. A women who is a lesbien and works at her school! She said she has feeings for her and is not sure what to do. And she said its not me. Im a great husband, great father, no reason to leave you, treat me like a queen...so why are you interested in women? Now I'm a mess, hence Mr.Doormat! What the hell do I do now? My in laws will support her and want to get her some help. I just cant for the life of me figure out A, What went wrong and B. What do I do now. We have a 4 year old son who is in the middle. Any advice would be great. Yes I love her and cant see myself with out her. Have no clue what is next.
If she has not cheated yet I think couple's counselling and individual counselling might be of benefit.

She should not have any further contact with the woman concerned.

I really had strong feelings for a female colleague. And what did I do about this? Not a damn thing. Never even let anyone know and certainly did not let impact on my marriage.

Your wife must do the same.


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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:33 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

My sister is a lesbian and has a bunch of friends who are. A few married men even knowing that was not their true orientation.

If I were you, I would divorce her. That way she can feel free to follow her true nature.

And you can find a new woman who loves you, according to her true nature.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:28 AM
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Cool Re: Has feelings for a women

Cheating is by no means gender-specific!

It is a random act of covert cheating and deception which needs to be treated as such!

Schedule an appointment with a good "piranha" family law attorney to thoroughly advise you of both your property and custodial rights; and to set the gears fully in motion for an impending divorce!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Answer to A.

"Mr.Doormat!"

Answer to B.

Likely too late*, but stop living up "Mr.Doormat"

*"we were more like friends and not as a couple" is womanese for "you don't do it for me anymore".


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:43 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
my wife felt we were more like friends and not as a couple. Lacked passion. I was negative and needed to change.
The loss of passion is what happens before the first step of a wandering heart. This is where her interests went outside the relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
Went to a shrink. Started to look at some options for low testosterone. Basically I was the a hole of the relationship. Turns out I am not that messed up. If anything I have been looking at a lot of things in the wrong frame of mind. Small issues were just over analyzed...
Good. Very good. You did your part, by working on yourself in the interest of the relationship. Most problems in relationships are 2-body problems, so you must credit yourself for improving your part of whatever was going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
Small issues were just over analyzed...until today... I find out she has feelings for a woman... who is a lesbien and works at her school! She said she has feeings for her and is not sure what to do.
Your wife is basically coming out of the closet as lesbian/bisexual, and I highly doubt lack of passion drove her to it. She likely had this leaning for a very long time. Despite being able to rationalize why this has happened, it is no less of a negative signal for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Doormat View Post
A, What went wrong and B. What do I do now. We have a 4 year old son who is in the middle.
A. To my point above, I highly doubt that "you went wrong" here. Lack of passion in your marriage/relationship does not normally lead to people "changing sides". She went wrong. And if like I suppose, she really had this leaning toward women for a long time, she should have been honest with you before starting a family.

B. I recommend divorce; there is no changing your partner, and seeking to understand her proclivity for woman achieves little for either you or your son. Consider that for you to stay with her (assuming she was willing, perhaps for sake of the family), she would be lukewarm for you and hot for some woman. Could you live with that? I couldn't.

Focus on getting the upper hand in your divorce (e.g. custody of son + better than 50/50 of net worth).
Do you have evidence that she is interested in (and perhaps dating) a lesbian at her school? If so, this might improve your odds at coming out on top in the divorce.

Realize though that custody is not guaranteed. Your chances of that will vary by jurisdiction. In the states, I believe the biological mother is favored in the courts when it comes to custody battles. That aside, if she's gone lesbian this far into the relationship, you're in a better position than (per se) had you cheated or just wanted to split.

If you go down divorce lane, check your local laws and consult with a few family law attorneys. Good luck!

Last edited by _anonymous_; 04-20-2017 at 08:12 AM.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

With what you have posted there is nothing you can do. She is the one that started having feelings for someone else. The way it sounds like your post she never truly loved you to begin with. A spouse that truly loves their spouse fights for them fight for their marriage does not allow anything to come into it that will separate them. Your wife chose to start having feelings for someone else was always shows me that she never truly loved you.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

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So tell her that's nice and all but you have to choose ..................now.
A lot of people are bisexual, especially with modern movies and the internet showing them it is not that odd. But she married YOU! So she can choose to be bisexual AND monogamous to you! Unless you are interested in opening up pandora's box and giving her a hall pass....
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

You can only hope this is a Phase. And that she will tire of bumping bellies with a women.

You can only hope this is a Phase, but that means you cannot be Fazed by where her mouth and other parts have been.

Uh....[If and when] she ever returns to being heterosexual again.

I personally think that in the case of "many" women, it is more [a dissatisfaction] with men and not having enjoyable sex with men, then an outright love of women, an "I must-have a women" thing.

How does a married middle aged women, all of a sudden, one day say, "I am Lesbian". I don't think so. People can be manipulated into doing some strange things. This is just a case of being very dissatisfied in life and trying something different. She may be one of those twenty five percent of women who cannot have an "O" via PIV. Only a hand or oral works for her.

Just sayin.

I too would divorce her.

I will not share my wife with another person.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Has feelings for a women

Doormat,

Here is your immediate problem. First, you have already made the statement that no matter what this is or turns out to be, you are accepting it because you cannot be without her. That means you will live in infidelity rather than divorce ( not proposing that at this point). Once you make that statement and she knows that, your chances of resolving this quickly and to your liking DECREASE dramatically because you have just surrendered all the power.

There are some who will say a lot of women today are acting on their bi sexual fantasies and its not as bad as if it were a man. The problem with that is not that alone but the fact that you are accepting the infidelity and there is no guarantee the next time she gets a :yearning" for something different that it will not be a man. Because a non monogamous marriage is a non monogamous marriage regardless of who the third party is or what they are.

So, forget your nickname you gave yourself. What you have to decide is if you are going to accept an open marriage now or in the future. If the answer to that is no, then you have to make her believe that there is no middle ground here, no acceptable explanation, and that either she remains faithful to you or she does what she wants but not as your wife. until you decide that, advice is meaningless. Its a pretty simple problem, althhough the decision has real implications.
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