If you haven't read NoMore Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, you need to read them now. Everyone who reads them swera by it. You need to know how you got where ypu are before you can move forward.
BTW, MMSL is not a sex manual, it explains relationships between husband and wife and how you should be relating to your wife in order to keep her interested in you.
I've read both, and while I agree that they offer some decent advice and some meaningful insight, I would certainly stay away from categorizing them as the "end all be all" of relationship wisdom.
If either of those books were as amazing as some members of this community claim, they would be on the best seller lists of major reviewers, and the world would have far fewer failed relationships.
For instance, in NMMNG, the concept of external validation is demonized, when in reality, external validation is a normal driving force of every day life. Humans compare and contrast constantly, we require metrics, and some of those metrics include how well we think we are meeting the needs of those we deem important. The problem occurs when external validation becomes the ONLY source of validation that a person seeks to have.
As far as the MMSL goes, Alpha good, Beta bad, only gets you so far. I sometimes wish life was really that black and white, but it is not. In fact, the majority of life seems to fall somewhere in the middle.
Both are still worth a read, as they do contain some useful advice here and there.
back on topic: You got some good advice in this thread. Boundaries, transparency, communication and active relationship building are all necessary steps to move forward.
As far as the question "is it all worth it?"
No simple answer there. You will both get out of it (the relationship) what you put in. The amount of work you are both willing to do will dictate to a great extent what the outcome will be. Most people on this forum who achieved R are happy with the results, and have stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
Individual Counseling and Couples Counseling is a must
, and the perfect place to address the issues of perception. You say "i think she still feels justified," while she may see things completely differently.
Thanks for the update, best of luck to you, keep us posted.