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My husband is leaving me and I can't cope

15K views 72 replies 32 participants last post by  SunCMars 
#1 ·
I've been going through this for 3 weeks now. My husband has been having an emotional affair that has lead to hickies on her neck. But it all started with them being friends and riding into work together, 3rd shift factory work. And now they have a "special connection he and I never had". I know I haven't showed him the appreciation he deserves and the love, I am 16 weeks pregnant and we have a 4 year old So I'm kinda wore out alot. But I finally told him I couldn't take it anymore and he needed to leave. But I don't want him to leave. I want us to work out. But he is so blinded by her I can't get through to him anymore. He says it's too late for us. He is always very truthful with me to the point that it hurts so much to hear it. We've been married 4 years together 7. He plans on staying in his father's house until he gets outta jail in 2 months, yea I know. I do not believe a word this woman says about anything. She has a 9 year old daughter that never seems like is with her but oh she has custody, but the list goes on, not important. I believe she is using my pregnancy in her favor, telling me to my face she only cared about herself but telling him she worried about me and if I needed to get ahold of him at work I could message her. Nope that's not gonna happen. But I was hoping that me tellin him to leave would help him finally realize he's throwing away everything for something he's not sure of with a girl who's had a bad reputation since she was in high school. I'm miserable and need help or a reassuring word. He doesnt wabt to grt a divorce yet, he said he doesnt know why, just in case. We have a kid and one on the way so he wants to be around for all of that but it kills me. I want him away so he can have time to miss me. HELP
 
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#2 ·
He is in a fog right now. Anything you say or do it won't matter to him because in his mind she is the best thing ever. The sad thing is when he leaves and start tasting reality, he will start realizing what he left behind.

Isn't easy at the beginning. Trust me you will have bad days but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith and focus in what really matters.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#3 ·
I'm sorry you're for what you're going through. But I seriously doubt it's only an EA -- especially if she's got hickies on her neck. Much more likely they're already having sex. Most men wouldn't walk away from their family without knowing exactly what it is they're leaving for. :(
 
#5 ·
He does not want a divorce...does not know why?
Uh, he does not want to pay alimony and child support, that is why.

Why do men do this crap to their pregnant wives?
Because the wives have all they can handle now, they are very vulnerable and more "helpless". They can get away with more crap.
Because the wives are not "available" for sex and they cannot wait for her to get better. This is not always true. Some wives will tide a man over with a hand job to keep him happy.

Good riddance. See a lawyer, make sure he pays the bills. If you are on his insurance plan, hold off on divorce. Should not be a problem...divorces have waiting periods.
 
#6 ·
I'm very sorry, but what you have is a lying cake eater. She has hickies but they didn't have sex? He wants to leave his wife but they didn't have sex? Lol, don't be naive.

Kicking him out was the exactly correct thing to do. It was strong.

Doing it so he will miss you? So you can get him back? That's just bad on so many levels.

He is stringing you along so he doesn't have to pay for you or his kids. And so he has a safety net "plan b" so if her vagina doesn't work out, he can still get to borrow yours until the next vagina comes along.

Don't do this to yourself. Move on with your life and put this cheating child in your rear view.

In a year when you've healed, you will understand why I advised you to do this.

You're in for a lot of pain. Make it as limited as possible by divorcing this "man".

He is a sickening excuse.
 
#9 ·
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

First his affair is physical at this point, don't kid yourself regarding this and don't believe he is or is going to give you the full story/truth.

Second, the OW didn't coerce him, your husband is a grown man and knew what he was getting into, he made this decision, he must own it.

Third, your looking at this wrong, he isn't the prize, you and your children are. Don't try and win him back, if he trys to come back he must earn the gift you may or may not give him in regards to reconciliation. You were correct in asking him to leave, don't let him come back. You should file for divorce and protect yourself and kids.

Read up on the 180, it will be referenced on this site. Break off communication with him except in regards to the kids.
 
#10 ·
Do you have family close by?

You need their help. Your dad or your Mom. see your attorney and file.

tell his parents about his affair.

good you sent him out but he will wake up too late.

have your attorney serve him at work.

He will really regret this. She will cheat on him and he will realize some of your pain.

Sorry you are having this horrible experience.
 
#11 ·
@Heav85

I agree with the others. The affair is a physical affair. Cheaters lie, they all lie. He's only telling you want he wants to. He's not going to tell you the entire truth. It does not fit his purpose to tell the truth.

He does not want a divorce for two reasons. One is that he likes the idea of having you on hold just in case his affair does not work out. You are his default fall back plan. And the other reason is that divorce means that he will have to pay you child support and some alimony at least until the divorce is finally, probably until some time after the baby is born if not longer.

You were right to kick him out. As long as he is carrying on an affair, does not tell you 100% of what has gone on in the affair, no longer works with her, and he agrees to do what is needed to repair the damage he has caused to your marriage.... he should not be allowed back into the house to live.

You need to put pressure on the affair. It might sound counter intuitive, but kicking him out puts pressure on the affair. The OW is now going to have to be responsible for meeting all of his emotional needs. That's not what she signed up for. She signed up for an affair, a situation where she is just playing around. Plus if you do this right, he will be paying you alimony and child support. So he's not going to have money to date. What's the fun in that for her?

Look for the link to the 180 in my signature block below and read it. That is how you need to be interacting with him for now... until he agrees to give up the affair and agrees to work his behind off to earn your trust and love back.

Another thing that sounds counter intuitive is that you need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. File to have him pay you interim alimony and child support. Interim alimony is what is paid during the divorce. He has to maintain health insurance for you and the children too. And tell your attorney that you want the divorce process to last until after your baby is born. A divorce can take a long time. You need that to get through this pregnancy and back on your feet.

And remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time up the minute that the judge signed the final decree. And there is re-marriage after divorce. So filing for divorce does not really mean that you are giving up or that all is lost. The reason for filing is that you need to be absolutely sure that you and your children are financially taken care of. And by having divorce ordered child support and alimony, it puts pressure on his affair making it so that he has little to no money to spend on this low life he is having an affair with.

If you will share which state you live in, I could look up some things so that you can find out your rights in divorce for your state.
 
#13 ·
:iagree::iagree:

:iagree::iagree::iagree: with all Elle has posted.

YOu also need to expose this affair ASAP. Tell all family, friends, colleagues. Do not hide it, exposure will soon burst their bubble. Lean on your family and friends for support. Ensure you have one or two siblings or friends you can turn to.
Do not engage with him at all, use email for everything. Let him feel what it is like to have you out of his life, that is why the 180 is so important.
You may also need to get tested for STDs as he is defintiely sleeping with her.
Ensure your lawyer garnishes his wages or whatever the law allows to ensure you are financially secure.

Do not think of taking back this man. Any WH who treats his wife like this when pregnant is the lowest of the low. I know you are pregnant and going through alot, but find your inner strenght and be prepared for a battle. He will want to have his cake and eat it, don't be that option.
 
#14 ·
He doesn't want to divorce yet because a) he doesn't want to pay child support and b) he wants to keep you on the backburner just in case things don't work out with his new fling.

Oh, and hickies means sex.

Hell, an emotional affair with a co-worker means sex, hickies are just salt in the wound.

If she's married or has a boyfriend or fiancée, expose the affair to him.
 
#16 ·
First off I would not base my strategy on him missing you. Does not sound that he loves you at all, just the kids. The reason he does not want to divorce is because the courts come down hard on husbands that leave their wives while they are pregnant. They will give you as much as they can. So he is being smart to wait until after the baby is born before he accepts a divorce. On the other hand, if he divorces now because you kicked him out and are the one pressing for divorce, aside from child support you are not going to do as well in the divorce settlement as you otherwise could. You are the bad guy now for wanting the divorce.

As for his girlfriend, my wife's best friend's ex, took up with a woman who was actively committing welfare fraud and was an ex con. No one really knows why we are attracted to certain people and not others. Genetically we are programmed to be attracted to someone who appears to have a good gene pool but after so much time, that skill seems to have been distorted. Do not try to understand why he is with her rather than you. Love blinds you to your partner's flaws and makes you want to be with them as much as possible and listen to anything they say. You cannot fight that.

You seem to think he will all of a sudden love you again. Love is a chemical reaction is our brains that cannot be thought into or out of existence. If you do not believe that, pick someone and try to make yourself love them. You either do or don't. Coming back to you because he misses you is not love. It is a dependency on you and the wrong reason to stay married. Many guys will stay married and use their wives as a security blanket in case things go wrong with the new girlfriend. He can then come home and start looking for another girlfriend. You say so yourself that he wants to stay married just in case.

Time to smell the coffee as they say. He views you as a security blanket in case he splits from his new girlfriend. You are hoping that he will miss you rather than love you again and are doing the worse thing you can do; kick out a husband while you are pregnant which will be twisted in court to show that you are attempting to keep him away from your new baby to bribe him to come back to you. You are in a really messed up situation and based on what you posted, you two should not be married.
 
#18 ·
He plans on staying in his father's house until he gets outta jail in 2 months, yea I know.
I don't, can you clarify this statement with more specifics?

He doesnt want to get a divorce yet, he said he doesnt know why, just in case.
Because he wants to use you as plan B. A back up plan in case him and the sloot he's banging break up.

You don't need any help. He's already doing you a HUGE favor by leaving. This guy's a ****ing LOSER.
 
#20 ·
I don't, can you clarify this statement with more specifics?

His dad is in jail and gets out in 2 months. So he won't have a place to stay.


Because he wants to use you as plan B. A back up plan in case him and the sloot he's banging break up.



You don't need any help. He's already doing you a HUGE favor by leaving. This guy's a ****ing LOSER.
 
#19 ·
Heav85

If you want to save your marriage then prepare yourself to lose your marriage. File for divorce, list adultery and OW as cause. Have him served at work, notify his HR at work if you want him to possibly be unemployed. Talk to a lawyer, find out how much alimony and child support you may get if you divorce. Expose to his parents, your parents, and OW husband or boyfriend if applicable. Start the 180 hard.

Do nothing for him and all for your children. Do not allow him back after he leaves until he meets your conditions to continue the marriage. Filing for divorce can be stopped at any time by you. If he doesn't want to divorce yet it's likely because he has doubts the affair will work out. Don't give him this option, pull the plug now to make him see what he is destroying.

Oh, and by the way, hickies means physical and it's gone way farther then just that.
 
#21 ·
He has been gone for about 4 days. He's been here everyday though. To visit our daughter. He was here this morning for an hour to help get her ready for school. And hasn't been here since. He goes to work 3rd shift so if we see him it will be tomorrow. I honestly want him to stay away awhile. So I don't have to see the proof of their intimacy on his neck. And to give him a chance to miss his family. We cannot get divorced yet because I am pregnant and not due till October. So alot can happen.
 
#22 ·
Since he has moved out, you can tell him to stay away. He has no right to come to you house whenever he wants to.

Send him a text telling him to not come to your home anymore without making an appointment. If he comes over, tell him to leave. If he will not leave call 911. Let the police explain to him that he cannot just enter your home any time he wants.

Right now, you are making this easy for him. He can come and go as he pleases. He is not seeing how his actions are going to hurt his life.

Do you have the money for a lawyer? You need to file for divorce so that you can have a child custody agreement. That will help you keep him thinking he can come and go from your home and parade around this sickies and show you this disrespect.
 
#34 · (Edited)
I have not read your whole post but I can see where its going. I'm a man that went through something like this, different but close enough... Most men don't go for a friend to end a marriage or relationship. There is more to this store and I know it. He is getting something from this friend that he is not getting at home. I'm not placing blame its just what it is. So if you want him back which I believe there is a part of him that wants to stay... which is what he loves about you. Find it.. The moment you start talking about get out I don't want you here; which is the altitude that might have caused this. Say what you feel not what you think. I read in the original post that you don't show him what he needs. SHOW HIM.

Sit down and really do a self check on what it is. Find the root cause of the problem. AND ITS NOT THE OTHER FEMALE. there was a hole that she is feeling and he likes it. Communication is key and will always be key.. Look at what you said "get out but I want you to stay." what is that.

I will say this and read over all of this post. So many people are saying leave him, money, tell family.. These are all the wrong things to do if you want to keep him. Everyone situation is different. I went through a divorce recently but only after 5 years of trying to make it work. The finial year was when I said forget it I'm done and went to find what I was missing.
 
#35 ·
I have fixed one of the problems. Keeping the house up. He sees it but still left. It's sex. He told me he is not single... he's married with a **** buddy. I told him.if he's still married he needs to be taking care of his wife sexually too. Idk what else to do but go to an attorney. We can't divorce cuz I'm pregnant. But we can go fiND out what to do.
 
#39 ·
You can't make anyone love you after the love is gone. Nothing you do will bring it back.

This is NOT your fault. The cheating spouse was missing something alright-- character.

I have witnessed relationships where the spouse was "perfect". They were still cheated on. The cheater was actually a friend of my ex (my wife at the time). I noticed that every time I was around her-- like eating lunch with my wife she would go with us a time or two one sumer--- she always turned the conversation to sex. Would laugh and giggle and flirt with me right in front of my wife. I even remember asking my wife about it and she'd just say "that's just how she is", she doesn't mean anything by it. I told her I thought all that was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable....
Anyway, my then wife told me for years that he was such a good husband, always taking care of the kids, cleaning house, getting them ready for school, making sure she always had a new car to drive, taking her on trips, etc. Well, the cheating B divorced the guy. Never mentioned a reason, and abandoned her 3 kids (they live with him full time).

My point: some people are just cheaters. They have low character. They do NOT place the same value on YOUR loyalty, your love, your character as you place on their's. Some people are just users. I place cheaters in that category-- users. Once the butterflies have worn off, they are off to the races for something else that they are "missing" from the relationship with you.

So OP, please ignore this utter Bullcrap about how you weren't satisfying the needs that he had from the relationship. If that was the case, he'd have come to you and told you what he wasn't getting that he needed. If he was hungry, would he say so? If he wanted sex from you, wouldn't he say so? If he wanted more quality time, wouldn't he say so? Of course he would.

You are in a serious bind right now. You are heartbroken. You are scared. Your self esteem is crushed, your confidence shattered. Your whole view of the world is shattered, and your future seems bleak--- nothing like you pictured your life as you worked toward all these years.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!! You CAN have a much BETTER life with a man who is not a cheater. With a man that values you for all your good qualities. You can't see it now, but you are being given a gift. Just think about people who spent 30 years with their spouse and they suddenly tell them evil things like "I never really loved you all these years", and they have already wasted their life with that person.

I know you are devastated. BUT, it will not be this bad forever. If you will find the strength to do the right thing and divorce this man (I think you know it has to happen), you will limit the amount of pain that you go through. If you give him the opportunity, he will cause you unlimited pain for years. You are not the first person that this has happened to. You can survive this and come out shining. DO THAT!

Get some support, here and from friends and relatives. You are being abused. Get help.
 
#41 · (Edited)
People listen and really listing to this. Have you meant anyone that is married that have not gone through something bad. I can speak from knowledge of my mom and dad, grandparents, sisters, friends that have been married for 20+, 30+, 40+ years. Everyone of them went through something like this.. cheating, gambling, lying, and a host of another things. You know why they are still married; because they worked it out. People today are so quick to call it quits. This is why I tried so hard to make my marriage work. So yes I understand that some people can not be helped and you should leave, but only and I mean only when you have come to the realization that you need to leave. not from what you can get or to my the other person hurt. You'll fall into the same circle of death next go around because you don't know what happened for it to end this way. So what if the person cheated, there is a reason why, but find out why. That is the most important thing you can learn from this. Only after that can you make a educated choice on what to do.

example.... she leave and hooks ups with a man and fall in love again and you know what the same thing happens again. There is always "ALWAYS" 2 sides to a story. There a reason why men leave out of no where, and why women leave out of no where. but a person has to understand what it is before making a life changing decision. If more thought was put into the relationship in the forefront... maybe this would have never happened in the first place.

And just a little background on me. My ex wife was pregnant before we marred and we lost the child. and for years we tired. It wasn't until years into the marriage that she told me she cheated and caught a STD which cause the mischarge... this was the reason she couldn't have kids. I could have just walked away once she told me that but I stayed and worked on it for 5 years... Only then did I file for divorce which was last year. I'm not saying this to prove a point. People can be bad. But if I had walked away and not tried to understand I don't think I would be as happy with a son and GREAT female companion. I understand what I am not going back into again and what type of person I need to stay away from. What I expect from life now.. This took time for me but it could be faster for others or longer. But a person needs to understand why and actions at why but what is in a person mind, heart, and soul.
 
#42 ·
So what if the person cheated, there is a reason why, but find out why. .
Have you ever been cheated on? Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters, liars, and generally rotten humans.

Cheaters deserve nothing other than being thrown out the door with nothing but the shirt on their back.

There is ZERO hope of true reconciliation with someone who isn't remorseful.
 
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