The fact that we were each ohters first and only was a huge deal for me.
I understand but to me the cheating is much worse
I hate the fact that she is the mother of my child after finding out that she did this.
yes this is abhorrent, in her way she was trapping you if you did find out. For peace of mind you may want to consider a DNA test, as cheaters lie and you have no idea when it really ended.
I feel disgusting knowing that she had sex with him while still having sex with me.
been there, for some the wayward doesn't have sex with their spouse during the affair (because the crazy logic is that they are cheating on the affair partner!), however for some like us the opposite is true. Some waywards get into a sexual frenzy and feelings of invincibility thinking they can seduce whomever and whenever they want.
The guy she cheated on me with just keeps lying to my face about it.
1) get him completely out of your life, why are you even confronting him anymore? I sure as heck hope your wife hasn't been in contact with him.
2) don't ever expect the OM to come clean, a small handful will but for the most part they will lie just as much as the WS
I cant be around our child because im loosing my mind. All i do is drink and get angry.
STOP DRINKING, this is self medication and is terrible for many reason so obvious I don't even need to go over them. Exercise is a much better self medication and will really make you feel better in the long run.
We were in the process of getting a divorce when this happened and the only reason i found out was that her parents told me. She wanted the divorce not me.
so why did you stop the divorce? You should let her go. Is she showing true remorse, is she being transparent, is she remaining no contact with OM and keeping respectful boundaries? Is she no trying to blameshift the affair on you and giving you trickle truth? Are you verifying her actions through spy tech? Has she gotten (and you) an STD test? Are you spending more time together and bonding? If you aren't answering yes to these questions then your R is a false one and will not work and will explain your anger.
I cant get the thought of her having sex with him out of my head.
We all get mind movies, try replacing the images with the absurd (morituri made OM a clown)
I just keep wondering about how much other stuff she has lied to me about.
Of course you are, this is why you need to be vigilant.
I hate my self because i knew she was lying when she came back and i didnt listen to my self.
I did as well, (you can read my story in my link if you desire) but eventually you will come around to realizing that your desire to trust someone you love clouds your judgement and we betrayed spouse have our own fog to work through. You certainly aren't the only one as millions of people do the same thing.
I keep wondering if my son is really mine. Doesnt matter i still
That's fine to wish to raise him as your own if he isn't yours. A DNA test should be in order.
I cant get away from her because of our son. She will always be a part of my life.
I am loosing it.
of course you can get divorced if you choose it, a happier father is best for his son. See a lawyer for your options and try running the 180
read my newbie link please