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Help solve an arguement. Sex during separation.

7K views 36 replies 26 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I have been gone for while and my life is still a mess but this argument just keeps coming up so I want everybody's honest opinion.

I left my WH after an emotional affair with an employee. I am pretty confident there was no PA but hey who knows. After I left my WH continues to tell me he want to reconcile. I told him I honestly don't know if I could but have not filed for D and try to keep the relationship friendly. He then has sex over the last 18 months with 3 different women. I have not had a relationship with anybody, mainly cause I am not ready and don't think it fait to bring anybody into this mess of a life I have.

If he is telling me how he wants our family and life back but still has sex with other women is that still cheating? He says he is single since I left so it is okay. Regardless it surely doesn't help reconciliation :)

So do other separated couples think this is cheating?
 
#3 ·
Uhh... it depends.
If you're separated and it was understood you'd be seeing other people, I wouldn't call it cheating but I would call it poor judgment if legally you (collective "you") were still married.

The fact he banged some other women whilst still married, and now decides he wants you after all... Well personally, I'd be ill. That's like sloppy thirds... Or fourths. Don't you think you deserve better?
 
#4 ·
It has always been my opinion that if you are separated with no intentions to reconcile, you are free to do as you please. However, if you separate with the intentions of working on the marriage, then NO, dating/sex with others is not ok, not until you both agree that you proceed with divorce. It sounds to me like your husband's ACTIONS say that he is moving on, despite the words coming from his mouth telling you he wants to work it out. I suggest you listen to the ACTIONS and file for divorce.
 
#7 ·
Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done.

He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together. Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!
 
#10 ·
If a person has no intent or desire to reconcile, they are free to date as they wish, IMO. That does NOT sound like the case here - unless he only says he wants to reconcile in order to delay possible financial consequences. Since you left the home and marriage, he may consider it evidence that you abandoned him and the marriage. Regardless, he has shown that he is not serious about reconciliation, so I suggest you just go ahead and file for divorce. Infidelity may be grounds for divorce, but can you prove it? He can prove that you abandoned the marriage, though.
 
#14 ·
Yes it is still adultery. You can't say one thing and do the opposite. It is called cake eating and blame shifting. Wow talk about "they said....."they heard".

Tell him "actions trump words. My actions speak to my character, as does your's to yours". 'Nuff said.
 
#16 ·
I have the opposite opinion. Unless you both agree not to date others ( because you might R ) then once separated you are free to date.
I'm in the other camp and something you said just reinforces that.

"Unless you both agree not to date others ( because you might R ) . . . "

The emphasis is the key. If you are running around as soon as you walk out the door, it's clear you're more concerned with your fun than your reconciliation. This speaks volumes in my mind. Okay, so we say in the absence of a previous agreement not to, that it's okay to, but that is still contradictory to any claims of desire to R. If you truly want to R, this behavior should be abhorrent.
 
#17 ·
@jelly_bean

Yes this is indeed cheating, please understand that if he really loved you and respected you he would not have slept with these women, it doesn't matter if you two are separated. A man who truly loves his woman would not casually sleep around when he is away from her.

Now why did you not sleep with anyone? Yes the reasons you mentioned are true but there are other reasons as well, one is that you respected your husband and your family enough to not engage in this kind of behavior and secondly you had strong moral values and a good head over your shoulders to back your decisions.

It means you are a better person than your husband, do you want to spend your life with such a man? Yes you two were separated but that's the major crux of the matter, separated or not if he loved and respected you he would not have slept with other women.

All the best
 
#18 ·
I also find the whole concept of separation stupid, either you stay together or you divorce.

You separate while being married, sleep around and then come back to your spouse to be a family again when the fire in your loins is satisfied? Separation to me is like a cousin of cake eating. In my personal opinion separation is like spitting on the marriage vows. Separate to divorce, to detach, not to sleep around and then come back.
 
#20 ·
@jelly_bean I think separations without explicit rules are unwise. If you are separating, chances are there were communication issues to begin with. It stands to reason there would continue to be communication issues.

If my W separated with me I would assume she has made her mind up that she doesn't want me around. Further I'd assume that if we got back together it would be more like dating and a trial process to work through whatever issues caused us to separate. So I would see dating my W and other women as being on par with one another.

But I also would make that explicitly clear. Separation means all bets are off; one or the other might date; might have sex; and either might not want to get back together for any reason including behavior during the separation. All are possibilities.

I don't see his behavior as wrong in any way, but I also would move on if the other one did too


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#21 ·
If I was a remorseful CH, separated from wife and wanting to R - I would not get into another relationship as long as I had hope. But at some point that hope ends and you have to move on with your life. 18 months is a long time.

But if he was genuinely remorseful, he could have let you know that he had reached that point so you could be the one to decide.

More likely, he wanted to enjoy the sex and at the same time keep the R door open. I agree with the poster who said that is a form of cake eating. Not cool. Not R material IMHO.
 
#22 ·
IMO, in this case, what other couples think does not matter.

It matters to you. You feel he is cheating. If he is not prepared to honor your feeling then he's not.

As with most arguments, there isn't a right answer - there is only an answer that works for the two of you.
 
#26 ·
its cheating.



anybody who can look at this particular situation and say it not cheating is of poor moral standards.



then try to r after crazy how some people think.


My, my, my. Aren't we a bit judgy? You sound like the Church Lady.

My moral standards are quite high actually. I've read this thread and there is no indication of what precipitated the separation. The impression I get is he was kicked out 1-1/2 to 2 years ago. How can you cheat when you aren't in a relationship?

Of course knowing the backstory might change my opinion. But it hasn't been offered.



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#25 ·
So do other separated couples think this is cheating?

OP, it doesn't matter what WE think. It matters what YOU think.

Does it bother you that he slept with 3 other women while you were separated?

If yes, then divorce him ASAP and MOVE ON. Why are you wasting your time with this con artist?
 
#27 ·
So in all honesty, you two are roommates who share a past right?

He is doing the same thing he did when you left him and decided to separate. He just made his affairs physical instead of emotional according to what you state. He hasn't stopped since the first time he seeked gave his time and affection to another other than you. He is still doing it. The reconciliation thing is just an excuse to let the other ladies know that he is not available for something serious because he is on layaway so to speak. They can fool around, but he can't commit because he is already kinda, sorta, but not really committed to anyone or anything.

Dang, he has the perfect set up and excuse. Where does he see these other women if you are sharing the same home? Legally, he is wasting away marital assets on Other women isn't he?
 
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#28 ·
Just my opinion, based on what I have read on this thread only--- I haven't read your others?

You left him because of his "emotional affair".
Did he always want to reconcile and you didn't?

Recap?
He cheated emotionally, you left him.
You stayed gone for a year and a half, still have no intention of returning.

So........
You are gone, he can't control who you're having sex with. Just because you've chosen not to doesn't mean you couldn't be.
Separation to him likely means you're gone. You are gone!

He has sex with one or a dozen.
Number not important, because it's been OVER A YEAR!
Why shouldn't he try to move on?????????????

You are not trying to give him another chance.....

You can't leave the guy, and expect him to remain celibate and pining for you the rest of his life.

My verdict: If you didn't specify no dating, if you didn't specify a time by which you'd return or be gone forever, if you didn't ever give him an answer or said no every time he asked for a chance to reconcile----- what exactly are you expecting of him?

A year and a half is too damn long to leave your husband and not expect him to look for some kind of intimacy. But if you said a relationship was still on the table and gave him a REASON to hope, he should have waited.

If you just want him to pine for you forever until YOU'RE ready to move on...... that's not fair.

I guess I've got it all wrong and have no morals.

He should have never cheated on you, and you have every right to divorce him. But to leave for a year and a half with no hope of return, and expect celibacy on his part is just unrealistic in my opinion. People need someone to feel close to. Not just sex. Could it be he just wanted someone to feel close to??? He obviously wasn't getting it from you.

Just divorce and stop worrying about him.
Or reconcile and see if he's learned his lesson. Aren't those the only options?
 
#29 ·
Sure! Drop your drawers and have sex with him! What in blue blazes do you have to lose?

You'd only be inviting a literal playground of his and his OW's scintillating pet "crustaceans" along with any other horrific STD's that they might be inflicted with!

To hell with him! The only person that I'd approve of him even talking to is to your family/divorce attorney!
 
#32 ·
To my mind, I would think it is cheating as you are still married and until the divorce papers are signed off then it would be better not to mess around.
However, you should have made this clear from the beginning, separations need clear rules.

However, your WH is clearly not into the marriage with you. Not only did he cheat before you left, he has slept with many women after. He may tell you he wants reconciliation, but no man who wants reconciliation would be getting his rocks off as much as possible when separate. He would be doing all in his power to win you back and that does not include sleeping with other women.

Please go and get this parasite out of your life for good, why are you delaying the divorce. You think this good for nothing man will have an epiphany and realize that you and only you is what he wants.
Forget it, that will not happen, he wants you sure but he will continue to cheat, that is who he is. Run as fast as you can!
 
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