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My wife wants an open marriage and I dont

38K views 90 replies 50 participants last post by  goingsolo12 
#1 ·
First time posting on this site.

I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.

The funny thing is that since confessing this to me, our relationship has grown closer than it ever has, more intimate and we have been having more passionate sex than we have had in many, many years. She claims that she feels closer to me because I am giving her freedom from what she felt was a constricting relationship. This confuses me.

I love my wife and I also still some type of romantic feelings for her. I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it.

Truth be told, I am uncomfortable about this and I wonder how this will impact our relationship moving forward. I feel pressured into this but at the same time, I dont want to end our marriage over this issue that may be temporary (wishful thinking?). But I am starting to resent her a bit and I am thinking about this all the time. Sex to me is more than a physical act and the idea that she will be experiencing emotional and physical intimacy with others is troubling to me.

If anyone has any experience with this or has anything constructive to say, I would appreciate hearing about it.

Thanks!
 
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#2 ·
@xerxes1974

Be warned, you are opening Pandora's box here, you will resent her even more after she starts doing this.

She is disrespecting you, she is using the threat of divorce to get what she wants. Ultimately what is she getting is sex with another man, a romantic holiday away from home while you slog with the kids and then she gets to come back and cuddle what you as if nothing has happened.

What are you getting in return? Emotional stress, constant worry,extra responsibility with the kids while she lets another man do whatever he wants with her.Believe me when i say you will start getting constant mind movies about her being with the other man, this will eat you up, your resentment will grow and it will have an impact on your health and happiness.

She is using your love for her to get what you want, you cannot let this happen, this will hurt you and your kids because this will have an impact on your health and mindset and ultimately affect your ability to be a good father.

Do you really want to be a woman who says she has no romantic feelings for you?
If you are not the number one priority in a relationship with your wife its better you divorce and find someone who truly loves and respects you. Your wife does not respect you, you are not her priority anymore and she is not seeing how this would impact the kids, this is utterly selfish of her.

Its time you became selfish too, tell her you are not comfortable and its better to get separated if she is unwilling to make you the number one priority in your life.

Please tell her you are not okay with this

All the best.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Sounds like the perfect recipe for becoming a cuckold!

She needs to know that the price sticker for shagging with other men while trampling on your marriage vows has a damned-near insurmountable price: divorce, being evicted from the house, skyrocketing legal fees of $350-500 per hour, possible loss of her share of the community assets, common knowledge around the extended community of family and friends that she is one step removed from being a prostitute, long-term child support payments, loss of unsupervised child visitation privileges by some unsympathetic family court judge who doesn't view societal norms much as she does, grueling public cross-examination by your family law attorney that becomes part of the record, and in particular having to answer the very pointed question of "how her actions of rolling other men's bones comes to actually benefit the children borne of her marriage!" Certainly not by becoming a walking-talking-breathing crab cultivation farm!

If you wish to keep her under the horrific conditions of her terms, then there's not only something inherently wrong with her, but also with you!

Notwithstanding, If she is still agreeable to those terms, then lose her! Then find yourself a good piranha family law attorney to represent both your and your children's best interests!

On second thought, just do yourself a favor and lose her anyway!

At least for the kids sake!
 
#4 ·
First off, you have already lost the game. You begged and pleaded for her to stay. You should have stood firm on your belief.

Secondly, open marriages hardly ever work and never works when the one wanting it is ready to leave. This was never a joint discussion. She had already found someone she cared for more then you.

Third, you gave her permission to do this so it is not cheating. You should have posted this in general.

Best advice is to stop. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Contact a lawyer and separate finance. Get your ducks in a row then talk with her. Do not beg her to stay. She has already told you that she is not in love with you. What else are you waiting for? For her to actually choose someone else and just leave. This will happen.

Are you allowed to go **** someone else as well?
 
#6 ·
Open marriages (as well as closed ones) only work if both parties want to have this kind of relationship and adhere to the set boundaries. Changes by one side that are not wanted by the other are just a recipe for desaster. It's unlikely that she will see this guy only on these vacations. She uses your love for her to hurt you. That's not love and it's not a real open marriage. It's a form of abuse. Don't be in an abusive relationship and don't subject your children to one.
 
#9 ·
Open marriages (as well as closed ones) only work if both parties want to have this kind of relationship and adhere to the set boundaries. Changes by one side that are not wanted by the other are just a recipe for desaster. It's unlikely that she will see this guy only on these vacations. She uses your love for her to hurt you. That's not love and it's not a real open marriage. It's a form of abuse. Don't be in an abusive relationship and don't subject your children to one.
Commonly referred to as "abusive manipulation!"
 
#25 ·
@xerxes1974 That would likely be my wife @ABHale is referring to.

Similar question proposed to me -- difference being that I did not agree to the open marriage. It didn't stop her though (just 24 hours later). In my experience, I would not trust anything your wife is saying, even if she truly believes she just wants "freedom" that is just an indication she's lying to herself as much as she is to you.

She doesn't want freedom, she wants the security of a marriage to you and the companionship and thrill of a new lover. It's not "just sex" -- especially since she picked out this guy in advance. He's her boyfriend. And there's no way it's being limited to 4 times a year. Maybe four times a year they see each other, but they're texting, sexting, and probably meeting up on the side anyway. F*ck that noise.

What she's doing is abusing you. Just because she "asked" (threatened) doesn't make it okay. File for divorce and let that be her wake up call. Regain some of the control in this relationship at the least -- even if it's impossible to recover you'll at least know that you did something on your own terms. Get angry! You gave her your life and this is what she gives back to you in return?

Don't tell yourself you're okay with it, you know you're not.
 
#11 ·
@xerxes1974, do you have any religious authority figures in your life who could intervene? Pastors, priests, vicars, etc?

Have you considered counselling?

Ask her if she realises that she is disrespecting her own children?

Also, establish if this is a true open relationship? For example, would her boyfriend be willing to swap partners with his wife or girlfriend?

If your wife says no, then you should point out that he obviously has feelings towards his wife/girlfriend that he doesn't have toward your wife. She is obviously only a piece of tail, not someone he respects and has feelings for.
 
#12 ·
OP,
As long as your W has these feelings your marriage is already over. Open marriages only work when there is a very strong bond between spouses. You do not have this. In essence what you are doing is allowing her to experiment until she finds what she (think she) wants and leaves. In the process you are overcome with angst and pain and get a front row seat to her "shopping" for another man, is it really worth it? Would it not be more prudent to find a woman that feels for you as you would her? If there is any chance of reaching her you must stand up and be the man you are, not the doormat she sees you as.

If she wants to leave wish her a nice life and show her the door. Simply tell her that just like she is unable to live in this "confining" relationship, you are unable to accept an open one. If you allow this you are merely forestalling the inevitable and adding pain and heartache to the process as you watch your wife date. I strongly advise against it.
 
#16 ·
and even if there was a very strong bond between spouses, then why would they want to go outside the marriage anyway if they were that close ? They wouldn't. Further, they would only be using and disrespecting others as sex toys. My point here OP is that if you think you had a strong bond, which you didn't, it is more the reason to reject such a concept
 
#13 ·
when a spouse comes and wants an open marriage, they are violating the conditions of which they married you under.

Further, it indicates that they want to cheat, that they probably have someone lined up and the second that you agree, poof, they have an instant boyfriend/girlfriend and they are getting laid as soon as that day while you search for some or have to undertake the risk of online hookups in order to get equal 'satisfaction'.

In other words, man, your wife is cheating on you. Is she really worth the effort ?

If you put another woman's perfume on you tonight and walked in the door, or got another woman to go along with it and made pretend that you were having sex and butt dialed her, how would she react ?

She asked for this because she has something in the wings. If the next door neighbor was interested in you and all you had to do was snek next door while she had to look from scrtach, how would she react ?

I am VERY ANTI-OPEN MARRIAGE. I hate the concept.

If it came down to me, the day my wife would ever suggest that to me is the day I hop on the phone to a shark of a divorce attorney I know and file. I would try to make it amicable but she would be done. Even if she backed off of it, her mind would still be on opportunities.

Why don't you end this marriage ?What is your cost assessment in divorcing ?
 
#15 ·
I am still troubled by how you agreed to this and to cuckold yourself in order to stay with a woman who uses the threat of divorce in order to allow her to bed other men. Yes, at least it's not right under your nose but if you have to allow her to have other men in order to prevent a divorce, then what good is your marriage and where do your rights come into this ? It's her changing the rules.

So she bestows upon you the responsibility of a family (not saying that a family is bad or that it wasn't your decision too) and then wants this ?

Further, temporary ? No, once she starts eating Basking Robbins ice cream, she's not going back to store brand or at least enthusiastically. Further, you know nothing of these other men and may be endangering yourself and your kids. Finally, what happens in 10 years when your youngest goes off to college ? Then you are left at home thinking about your wife when she's overseas bedding anothe r man or leaving you in the dust.

What happens when she finds a guy in your home town ?

I would suggest you tell her that this arrangement is over and if she can't handle the commitments of your marriage, then let's end it amicably.

You are giving away for free (monogamy) what many of us on this board wanted and couldn't get even though we were deserving of it
 
#18 ·
Is your main job to keep funding the household while she explores polyamory? To keep the home fires burning, providing stability for the kids?

And for this you are allowed to stay married to her, and to see your children every day?

I certainly understand the desire to be with your children every day. Not seeing them every day has to be one of the most painful things about divorce.

I do wonder what effect accepting or participating in polyamory has on children, though.

I don't know, OP. The whole thing looks unstable and risky to me. No wonder you are feeling resentful.
 
#19 ·
Is it open marriage season on this board lately?

OP, there's not much I can add to the already sage advice here. Your wife is playing you so that she can eat the maximum amount of cake. I do hope for your sake that you learn to love yourself more and accept no less than a woman who is dying to be with only you.
 
#21 ·
Open Marriage = Very Bad Idea

If your wife doesn't love you enough to be committed to you, she's not worth having. Since she opened her mouth and seriously suggested the open marriage, you now have enough information to know that she doesn't feel strongly about you and wants others more than you. You may be OK with this, or maybe not. But in the end, if you stay, it's on you.

The flipside of opposing her request is you doing your best to meet her physical needs. Assuming you've done your part, the open marriage shouldn't be an option. Why have you even tolerated this? It's more disrespectful to you than to anyone else!

What does mom's flings with people other than dad teach the kids? Think about this.

If you let her open relationship become more than it is, it's likely the kids will find out (e.g. inform them why a stranger is hanging out with mom) and the ensuing conversation is bound to warp their understanding of what "normal" is in a relationship. This is very bad for them, too.

Tread very very carefully. Good luck!
 
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#22 ·
There are a few TAM members who have done this or continue to do so.

None under this set of circumstances, that I'm aware of.

If you're exploring this as a couple, that's one thing. Maybe a swingers club, just to watch at first. The whole idea has to be of interest to both of you.

Maybe look into a club near you and go watch. See if it interests you. Look at how the couples act - do they split up and have separate fun? Do they play together? Do they all seem to enjoy things? Can you talk to some and see what they think of it?

I suspect your W might be turned off by swinging and really just wants to move on to a new man

Personally, based on what you wrote, I think you already know you don't want this. If that's the case, it's time to adjust your thinking. Look back and be joyful and thankful for 17 years and 3 kids. That's something worth feeling good about. Then realize this relationship has outlived you both and you should be thinking about the next 17 years.

In any event, get to the gym, buy a new wardrobe, get some new cologne. Fake happiness and start the 180 (someone her can post a link). I believe this is the best chance you have for your happiness. If you detach and start to make yourself independent, strong and attractive, one of two things will happen - you will actually start to see a future of happiness with someone new because you find your self worth, or your w will start to see you move on, realize your worth, and start to think about what shes about to lose


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#23 ·
I can see your wife has the utmost respect for you and your marriage. I can't blame her for the arrangement you agreed to; room and board in a family setting, presentation of herself as an honorable wifey character, et cetera, in trade for holding her nose and cutting you in for a little poon tang every so often. If it were me and willing to go that route with a woman, I'd cut her loose and run me an add on Craigslist offer a chick such remuneration in trade. I'd bet you'd get any number of responses. Real men don't willingly permit other men to bang their wives. Perhaps that's why she's looking to replace what she inherently knows she missing in a spouse.

I havent done this in a while but you get this month trophy:

 
#24 ·
In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him.
I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it.
You do know that by the time that your wife asked you for a divorce it was because she was already cheating with the other man (OM), and that no matter what she promises you about only having sex with him 4 times a year overseas, that once open she will consider time and place a technicality that humors you, as she secretly has sex with the OM when and where they want?

Do not do this. Tell her that you do not agree with an open marriage, that you realized that she has already been cheating on you with the OM, and that you want an immediate divorce.
 
#27 ·
I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
It's very likely the "claim" that she makes is true: she does love you, but (I suspect) just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore (or less). That's understandable, because love and sex are mutually exclusive concepts. I've noticed you like the word romantic. That's fine, but be warned that romanticism is pretty dangerous and often very destructive.

The funny thing is that since confessing this to me, our relationship has grown closer than it ever has, more intimate and we have been having more passionate sex than we have had in many, many years. She claims that she feels closer to me because I am giving her freedom from what she felt was a constricting relationship. This confuses me.
All relationships are restrictive, otherwise they wouldn't be relationships. What you describe makes sense because she feels freedom for probably the first time in many years. What you're observing there might be called contentment.

I love my wife and I also still some type of romantic feelings for her. I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it.
I love my wife too: Her happiness is essential to my happiness. But that doesn't mean I like having sex with her, which I haven't been able to do for about 2 years now. She has issues. Marriage is a social structure that benefits the many, not the few, and should therefore be protected. You'll read a lot of bad "advice" on this forum: DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! Don't do that. We live a marriage/divorce happy culture. It's stressful, destructive, and expensive. On monogamy, you may not have a choice, sorry. Monogamy (and marriage) is a human invention, and is therefore artificial. It goes against 8 millions years of human instinct, which explains a lot of what you see in human society. You need to craft your strategy very carefully here. Don't fuel her activity, but then again don't participate. Go for very clear rules.

Truth be told, I am uncomfortable about this and I wonder how this will impact our relationship moving forward. I feel pressured into this but at the same time, I dont want to end our marriage over this issue that may be temporary (wishful thinking?). But I am starting to resent her a bit and I am thinking about this all the time. Sex to me is more than a physical act and the idea that she will be experiencing emotional and physical intimacy with others is troubling to me.
Your discomfort is understandable. Also, I don't think it will be short-term. That's how people are ... they change. I agree with your thinking: protect your marriage. Adapt the relationship within your marriage. Adapt or perish. Sex is an emotional thing for me as well. But it is also a social activity, or else masturbation would be enough for everyone, which it's not. I guess your wife would like to be social.
 
#36 ·
That's understandable, because love and sex are mutually exclusive concepts.

In the words of Billy Gates, "that's the stupid thing I've ever heard" Show me a woman that loves husband and I'll show you woman that wants to sleep with him. The only thing mutually exclusive is a woman's high romantic interest in her spouse and her desire to sleep with other guys (in the vast majority of cases). Of course if you can get some of the women on the this site to support your concept, I'll say I may be wrong.

I love my wife too: Her happiness is essential to my happiness. But that doesn't mean I like having sex with her, which I haven't been able to do for about 2 years now. She has issues. Marriage is a social structure that benefits the many, not the few, and should therefore be protected. You'll read a lot of bad "advice" on this forum: DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! Don't do that. We live a marriage/divorce happy culture. It's stressful, destructive, and expensive.

Let's see, you don't like having sex with your wife and she has issues! Back in an earlier life, I known a number of chicks whose spouses didn't like sex and they wanted their keep the benefits of their social structure protected.
 
#32 ·
Open marriage isn't a bad idea for a marriage. It's not marriage. It's having a live-in "friend with benefits".

OP you're not even talking about a live-in friend with benefits. You're talking about being a cuckold. Sitting around, taking care of everything while your wife goes off to sleep with other men.
 
#34 ·
As so many others have already said, this is fraught with hazard.

I'm not against open marriage or for it for that matter, I believe that is a decision people have to make on their own and each case has to be evaluated on its own merit. Only you and your wife know your relationship well enough to know if it is the right solution for you.

The one thing I will say is that anybody I've ever spoken to about open marriages has said the same thing, you need to have a really strong marriage to survive opening it and it needs to be what you both want. Open marriages can work and they can make a marriage better in some cases but the marriage needs to be strong to start, if you open a marriage that already has troubles it will make those troubles far worse and will destroy the relationship.

So if your relationship is not in a good spot now is not the time to open it. Opening a marriage requires trust, commitment and above all fantastic communication. if there are any weaknesses in the marriage opening it will exploit those weaknesses and it will be doomed. I encourage you to do a lot of reading and a lot of homework, both of you need to totally understand what is involved otherwise, save yourself a lot of pain and just start with the divorce.

Opening a troubled marriage will end in divorce but there will be the added bonus of years of pain and suffering watching your wife fool around right under your nose with every guy that turns her head. it will destroy you as a person watching the person you love devalue herself, her marriage and her family. honestly you are better off ripping off the band aid and skipping over the years of torture.
 
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#35 ·
Another thought on the OP's particular situation:

This isn't a situation where you both agree. This is a situation of coercion. "Either let me go screw my lover or I'm going to divorce you and do it anyway." She is currently having lots of sex with you because she likes that you did this. As her connection deepens with this guy, and she bonds with him, she is going to cut you off. Mark my words. Then she'll divorce your ass anyways. Or you'll just end up as roommates with nothing in common.

You are letting her walk all over you. And no woman respects a man who does that. Nor do they respect a man who sits idly by and twiddles his fingers while some other guy is screwing her.

But the real questions you should ask yourself are:
1. Is it worth delaying the inevitable? You may have a few years by sticking this out... Or less... hard to say. And I mean that question sincerely, perhaps you need time to prep for it. Perhaps it's worth keeping things together for a little longer for the kids, in your eyes. Perhaps not. (if you have kids) Perhaps it's worth it financially to wait. Perhaps not.
2. Are you willing and capable of finding someone else to do to her what she is doing to you? Because if you don't, I guarantee the resentment and lack of self-respect is going to cause a lot of pain.
 
#38 · (Edited)
I am going to provide you some links about non monogamy. As you discovered, even just talking about it will have positive results, something I have tried to let others understand you can benefit by just discussing it. My wife and I were in an ethical open marriage. It is not as horrible as some think. In our 44 years of marriage we had only 10 other sex partners and most of those we shared. We chose our marriage over monogamy. 50% who marry get divorced and yet rather go down with the ship then change boats. That is really crazy when you think about it. Monogamy is a societal structure, it is not natural and hence all the problems we read about here and elsewhere. We are going against our genetic coding.

In our case it was I who wanted the open marriage but did not want to go out dating other women. Instead we did a wife swap and some soft swinging together. It was with friends and safe. That put a big spark back in our marriage. Nothing like having sex with a new person to boost the ego and make you feel desirable and sexy again. It also ups your game after seeing your spouse with another person. For men it is called sperm competition, look it up, and for women it is like the show, "The Bachelor" where all the women fight for a guy they never met before, just because other women want him. Our sex after a wife swap was intense for weeks afterwards. A good outcome was that my wife got it out of her system and decided that I was more than enough man for her. Sex with strangers is just sex. It cannot compete to making love. We connect on a spiritual level. We know we will be together for life no matter who we have sex with. We also hold our marriage and each other over all else. Our marriage is not based on monogamy as if it is the cornerstone of a marriage. A marriage centered on monogamy is tough to live since we are all naturally attracted to others. We are married for 44 years and due to our age and medical problems, are monogamous until death, just as we knew it would be.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com
 
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#43 ·
I am going to provide you some links about non monogamy. As you discovered, even just talking about it will have positive results, something I have tried to let others understand. Anyway, here they are and it is good and short reading. My wife and I were in an ethical open marriage. It is not as horrible as some think. In our 44 years of marriage we had only 10 other sex partners and half of those we shared. We chose our marriage over monogamy. 50% who marry get divorced and yet rather go down with the ship then change boats. That is really crazy when you think about it. Monogamy is a societal structure, it is not natural and hence all the problems we read about here and elsewhere. We are going against our genetic coding.

In our case it was I who wanted the open marriage but did not want to go out dating other women. Instead we did a wife swap and some soft swinging. That put a big spark back in our marriage. Nothing like having sex with a new person to boost the ego and make you feel desirable and sexy again. It also ups your game after seeing your spouse with another person. For men it is called sperm competition, look it up, and for women it is like the show, "The Bachelor" where all the women fight for a guy they never met before, just because other women want him. Our sex after a wife swap was intense for weeks afterwards. A good outcome was that my wife got it out of her system and decided that I was more than enough for her. Sex with strangers is just sex. It cannot compete to making love.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com
My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle to one degree or another for over 10 years. We have been with multiple dozens (perhaps approaching one hundred) of other couples and a few singles. I don't disagree with much of what you say about ethical, consensual, non-monogamy.

However what is being done here is not the least bit ethical and it is not consensual.

This is exploitation, manipulation and being done under duress. It is not for the mutual benefit of the couple, the marriage or the family.

The OP is simply being strong-armed into sitting passively while his wife screws other guys.

This is not an alternative lifestyle. It is not a nontraditional marriage. It is one person bullying and manipulating the other with duress to accept something that they do not want.

This situation has nothing to do with swinging, nothing to do with an alternative lifestyle or nontraditional marriage. It is bad behavior, bad character, maltreatment and exploitation.
 
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