Hi everyone. I'm at a loss and thats why I have joined this site, to get advice/feedback. I posted this on another board, but it is probably better suited here.
Ok. Me and My wife have been married 5 years now, together for 8. We have 2 children, one 6 and one 2 and she is pregnant with our third. We had an amazing marriage and a fantastic sex life until last year. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and it led to me losing my job, which was hard. My wife started working full time to make up the money but she was getting stressed with me due to my illness. This led to a crisis talk and I agreed to change and sort myself out and she said she would be more supportive. This was Jan/feb 2011. Fast forward to April 2011 and we decide to give up smoking. She was prescribed Champix, I couldn't take them due to my history of depression. After being on Champix for 6 weeks, she changed from a loving wife into a sexless monster, constantly in a mood. She barely spoke to me and had a constant frown. However she was out drinking with friends almost every night off she had and drinking to excess. This went on til about september when I confronted her about it all and she said she wasn't happy and that she wanted another child. We sorted ourselves out and she got pregnant. However the problems started again about a month ago. I confronted her again as it was hard for me living with someone I love but who showed me no compassion or interest. She refused to talk to me face to face and instead insisted on leaving the house and conversing via text message. She basically said she is not happy anymore, My illness isn't improving, it was a mistake to get pregnant by me again, she doesn't think she wants the baby and she doesn't know if she wants to be married. I offered to go back into treatment, to really, REALLY intensify efforts to find work, etc, but she hasn't responded.
I asked her if she was seeing someone else as she is showing almost ALL the signs of infidelity. Also, she has a male workfriend who keeps cropping up everywhere. She goes over a friends house to help and he's there. She goes for a drink with friends, he's there. He walks her home from her friends sometimes, even though it is a mile out of his way. He often texts her (nothing too suspicious) when he's out drinking and visits her in work. He refers to her as 'miss' often and usually ends his texts.facebook messages to her with a 'X'. She has said there is nothing going on but has also said people have spoke about them before because of the way they are with each other. I can find no hard evidence but can't stop suspecting.
Sorry to go on for so long, but once i started, I had to get it out. What can I do? Is it over?
1. Are you sure the new baby is yours?
2. She's pregnant and still drinking? No No No!
3. Find this coworker and see if he's got a GF or a wife - you need to reach out and expose it to them.
Thanks for the reply Shaggy. Firstly, I can't say for certain that the child is mine. We didn't have sex as much as we did to conceive our first two, but that doesn't really mean too much. She doesn't drink now, but before the pregnancy it was all the time and it was always with her best friend, A guy her best friend was secretly seeing and the guy in question. Come to think of it, another time she went to a house party with these people and more. She text me at midnight-ish to say she was just leaving, but didn't get home for two hours later. When I questioned her about this she said her and her female best friend had stopped to chat in a playground and lost track of time. This was july/august 2011 and when my suspicions really started. I have access to her phone records but there is little texting between her and the OM. They do however work together a lot and have the same social circle, so it would be easy to communicate face to face. As for him having a wife/Gf, I know he doesn't as I ised to work with him too. I know where he lives and am even friends with him on facebook.
Sounds like she is cheating but the information you give is mostly subjective.
As you have access to his facebook page do the following:
Copy his list of friends to a secure word document, include the web link to their pages and test the link after you saved it in word to see if it takes you to the pages. You ay need this information later on if indeed she is cheating with him.
You will have to start snooping to verify if she is cheating with this guy. At the same time I suggest you slip into a 180 and straighten yourself out, it does not sound like you are in a great place.
Once the baby is born have a DNA test to confirm you are the father.
Why is your wife going out so often without you. Do you do the same? She is acting like she is single and her behavior will attract the attention of other men
The 180 is in the newbie link below, click on it and read the posts:
Why on earth do people think their spouse can go out drinking with other men and nothing will happen? I mean, we hear this all the time here, and no insult to this OP but , it just sounds so stupid as to be incomprhensible.
WTF, do you have to get hit by a truck to learn to stay out of the road? So you sit home babysitting with two kids while your wife is out partying with other men and now you are all confused about what is going on?
What have you done to cure the depression? What have you done to get a job? How attractive does this make you to your wife?
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
This 180 list may help.
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For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
There's also many ways to communicate other than just texting. Many games have messaging functionality, Skype, etc. She could have another phone that you don't know about, another Facebook account, etc. I'm not saying she is cheating, but you can't go just from what you see on the surface either.
Thanks for the reply Shaggy. Firstly, I can't say for certain that the child is mine. We didn't have sex as much as we did to conceive our first two, but that doesn't really mean too much. She doesn't drink now, but before the pregnancy it was all the time and it was always with her best friend, A guy her best friend was secretly seeing and the guy in question. Come to think of it, another time she went to a house party with these people and more. She text me at midnight-ish to say she was just leaving, but didn't get home for two hours later. When I questioned her about this she said her and her female best friend had stopped to chat in a playground and lost track of time. This was july/august 2011 and when my suspicions really started. I have access to her phone records but there is little texting between her and the OM. They do however work together a lot and have the same social circle, so it would be easy to communicate face to face. As for him having a wife/Gf, I know he doesn't as I ised to work with him too. I know where he lives and am even friends with him on facebook.
So they four of them were basically double dating.
I'm not trying to dump on you - but why why why did you let her do this?
To fix this you need to expose the affair to friends/family and she will have to leave that job - they will simply go underground and continue the affair.
1Absolutely expose the affair at once.
2.Get a paternity test done. There is a good chance the baby is not yours.
3.Get tested for STD's
4.See an attorney for your options. I am sorry but she is playing you for a complete fool. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting of this type of behavior? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
think about the story, let me suggest the following events:
1. she was in an affair with this guy she went out on the double drinking dates with.
2. she missed her period
3. he freak and dumped her
4. she ran back to you, wanting to "have a baby"
5. you took her back
6. he settled down, and is ok with her having his kid and YOU raising it
7. the affair is back on
think about the story, let me suggest the following events:
1. she was in an affair with this guy she went out on the double drinking dates with.
2. she missed her period
3. he freak and dumped her
4. she ran back to you, wanting to "have a baby"
5. you took her back
6. he settled down, and is ok with her having his kid and YOU raising it
7. the affair is back on
Wow Shaggy, that is exactly the conclusion I came to reading this thread. I would bet money the baby she is carrying is not her husband's.
think about the story, let me suggest the following events:
1. she was in an affair with this guy she went out on the double drinking dates with.
2. she missed her period
3. he freak and dumped her
4. she ran back to you, wanting to "have a baby"
5. you took her back
6. he settled down, and is ok with her having his kid and YOU raising it
7. the affair is back on
I am sorry to say that I thought the same exact thing. I have very little doubt about this being true.
I hate to say this but if I was the OP I would DNA test his other children as well. How many times do men end up raising other men's children and never realize it until something like this happens.
I hate to say this but if I was the OP I would DNA test his other children as well. How many times do men end up raising other men's children and never realize it until something like this happens.
Far too often I'm afraid and the innocent children are often the most devastated by it.
NEWBIE. Is it too late? (Kinda long, sorry) 
