Just to forewarn you, your wife will not play nice in divorce, no matter what. Reading the past 11 pages has revealed that about her character. She will vengefully try to destroy you and grab at every last penny. Do you not know her well enough already to see this truth? This is a woman who makes up lies about you to disparage you to strange men. You think she won't do that for an attorney or a judge? You will accomplish nothing by trying to get her to play nice. Nice is for decent, loving people. Stop projecting your own kind personality onto her.
This is where online forum communication really sucks. All the nuance is left out and people can only make their opinion based on how they interpret what they read on a screen. When we had moments of reconciliation through the years she would jokingly say "you're stuck with me," meaning "I'm in this for the long haul we'll get through this," not "I'm here to continue making your life a living hell."
We started the D talks before, several times. One time I remember it was peaceful and she was cooperative. Another time when I was getting emotional and throwing jabs at her she threatened to sue for alimony. Both times we stopped before making it final to try to work on R again.
She makes up lies about me to disparage me to strange men because she has a mental problem where she lives in a fantasy world, most likely as an escape from her CSA trauma memories. The fact that I acknowledge this doesn't mean I'm defending her and it doesn't mean I won't divorce her. I made it quite clear that I can't take that kind of abuse any more. MC and I agree that while she may look at it as all fun and games and make believe, if she thought it enough to write it or tell it to someone, then it's real. THIS is what I see as not changing, and this is why I will need to divorce. Not because she's a lying vengeful ***** who deserves every bit of hell I can give her because she gave it to me.
Again - this is a forum and you don't know the rest of the story. You've never seen her (or me) in real life. She's a decent person with a serious commitment issue because she's scared of men, especially family. Her affairs are a form of escape. It doesn't make it right and I don't approve or accept them. It will probably lead to D, whether it's now or in the future. Right now I'm doing the best I can to make it happen sooner than later but it's a process.
Another thing the forum doesn't know is my character. I'm an introvert - I need to go into my quiet little corner and think about everything before I make a move on most everything (although I kick ass at improvising in the kitchen!). This forum is that corner. So despite what everyone is thinking, all the comments are helping me sort stuff out in my own head. My reactive responses to everyone are just part of that process. An old friend once described my brain as "the committee."