Having a hard time dealing with everything - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 493Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #151 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 54
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Frankly, brother, your anger is misplaced. Each person encouraging you to divorce is trying to get you to understand that you should love yourself too much to tolerate a spouse who does this.

Every argument, minimization, excuse, justification, or lash-out you post is simply you reinforcing that your self worth is too low to accept that you deserve better than she is treating you.
The decision is not the issue any more. Every person is different and she doesn't do well with the direct approach. It just doesn't work to say "you did this, this, and this, and I'm not taking it any more and we're divorcing." That's blindsiding her. And when she's blindsided her defenses go up. When her defenses go up she can get nasty and vindictive when you're trying to work with her. Why would I want to do that if I know that's going to make everything more difficult? I have to do it differently.

If we wake up tomorrow morning and after coffee I say "oh, here's your divorce papers, consider yourself served," with no preparation or forewarning that will wreak more havoc than the divorce itself! If my self worth was as low as you're purporting I wouldn't be here talking about wanting to do this, and that's a lot better than I was 2 years ago or even 2 weeks ago. But it has to be a process - first an attempt to R, then an ultimatum, then D.

And still, this is hard as hell to do! @naiveonedave has been married for 20+ years according to his profile. I'll take that to mean he hasn't divorced any time recently, so it's really easy to throw that D word like it's a piece of cake.

Coping the Best I Can is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #152 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 367
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Just to forewarn you, your wife will not play nice in divorce, no matter what. Reading the past 11 pages has revealed that about her character. She will vengefully try to destroy you and grab at every last penny. Do you not know her well enough already to see this truth? This is a woman who makes up lies about you to disparage you to strange men. You think she won't do that for an attorney or a judge? You will accomplish nothing by trying to get her to play nice. Nice is for decent, loving people. Stop projecting your own kind personality onto her.
Tatsuhiko is online now  
post #153 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:53 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,165
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coping the Best I Can View Post
The decision is not the issue any more. Every person is different and she doesn't do well with the direct approach. It just doesn't work to say "you did this, this, and this, and I'm not taking it any more and we're divorcing." That's blindsiding her. And when she's blindsided her defenses go up. When her defenses go up she can get nasty and vindictive when you're trying to work with her. Why would I want to do that if I know that's going to make everything more difficult? I have to do it differently.

If we wake up tomorrow morning and after coffee I say "oh, here's your divorce papers, consider yourself served," with no preparation or forewarning that will wreak more havoc than the divorce itself! If my self worth was as low as you're purporting I wouldn't be here talking about wanting to do this, and that's a lot better than I was 2 years ago or even 2 weeks ago. But it has to be a process - first an attempt to R, then an ultimatum, then D.

And still, this is hard as hell to do! @naiveonedave has been married for 20+ years according to his profile. I'll take that to mean he hasn't divorced any time recently, so it's really easy to throw that D word like it's a piece of cake.
Sorry man, but @farsidejunky is spot on --

If you wanted to divorce, you'd be much farther along than you currently are.

You should be well beyond any considerations of reconciliation with this woman, and an ultimatum -- regardless of preparation or timing -- isn't going to work here.

She's got exactly the life that she wants -- all the sex, affection, and attention that she wants (and from multiple lovers) -- and a chump to fund it all.

She's not going to give that up easily, regardless of how you try to package and sell it.

You say that you're trying to wear her down into accepting the outcome that you want, but all the while it's you that's being worn down.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 05-03-2017 at 02:20 PM. Reason: Changed "behind" to "beyond"
GusPolinski is offline  
 
post #154 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 54
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Just to forewarn you, your wife will not play nice in divorce, no matter what. Reading the past 11 pages has revealed that about her character. She will vengefully try to destroy you and grab at every last penny. Do you not know her well enough already to see this truth? This is a woman who makes up lies about you to disparage you to strange men. You think she won't do that for an attorney or a judge? You will accomplish nothing by trying to get her to play nice. Nice is for decent, loving people. Stop projecting your own kind personality onto her.
This is where online forum communication really sucks. All the nuance is left out and people can only make their opinion based on how they interpret what they read on a screen. When we had moments of reconciliation through the years she would jokingly say "you're stuck with me," meaning "I'm in this for the long haul we'll get through this," not "I'm here to continue making your life a living hell."

We started the D talks before, several times. One time I remember it was peaceful and she was cooperative. Another time when I was getting emotional and throwing jabs at her she threatened to sue for alimony. Both times we stopped before making it final to try to work on R again.

She makes up lies about me to disparage me to strange men because she has a mental problem where she lives in a fantasy world, most likely as an escape from her CSA trauma memories. The fact that I acknowledge this doesn't mean I'm defending her and it doesn't mean I won't divorce her. I made it quite clear that I can't take that kind of abuse any more. MC and I agree that while she may look at it as all fun and games and make believe, if she thought it enough to write it or tell it to someone, then it's real. THIS is what I see as not changing, and this is why I will need to divorce. Not because she's a lying vengeful ***** who deserves every bit of hell I can give her because she gave it to me.

Again - this is a forum and you don't know the rest of the story. You've never seen her (or me) in real life. She's a decent person with a serious commitment issue because she's scared of men, especially family. Her affairs are a form of escape. It doesn't make it right and I don't approve or accept them. It will probably lead to D, whether it's now or in the future. Right now I'm doing the best I can to make it happen sooner than later but it's a process.

Another thing the forum doesn't know is my character. I'm an introvert - I need to go into my quiet little corner and think about everything before I make a move on most everything (although I kick ass at improvising in the kitchen!). This forum is that corner. So despite what everyone is thinking, all the comments are helping me sort stuff out in my own head. My reactive responses to everyone are just part of that process. An old friend once described my brain as "the committee."
Coping the Best I Can is offline  
post #155 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

If you think it's possible to divorce a woman like this "amicably", you're crazier than she is.

Just stay married like you want, cut out her smart phone, internet access, access to bank acct, limit everything.

Make life a little easier on you, harder on her and the cheating much more difficult.

You have trained her to be your child that you are going to have to take care of. You will supply all her needs, like it or not. Staying married will at least give you a little say in where your money goes.
You don't have to decide on divorcing, then.

You hold the purse strings now.
Make done adjustments to make Your life easier. I'd move to a smaller, trashier, cheaper house in a crappy neighborhood and start squirreling money away. In 5 years, she'd be ready to go and I'd have the savings to finance the divorce with.

Or just keep the status quo and enable your wife to have boyfriends.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #156 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 54
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
You say that you're trying to wear her down into accepting the outcome that you want, but all the while it's you that's being worn down.
@GusPolinski I'd like to know where exactly I said I'm trying to wear her down into accepting the outcome.
Coping the Best I Can is offline  
post #157 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 01:59 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,165
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coping the Best I Can View Post
@GusPolinski I'd like to know where exactly I said I'm trying to wear her down into accepting the outcome.
You're kidding, right?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #158 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,805
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coping the Best I Can View Post
The decision is not the issue any more. Every person is different and she doesn't do well with the direct approach. It just doesn't work to say "you did this, this, and this, and I'm not taking it any more and we're divorcing." That's blindsiding her. And when she's blindsided her defenses go up. When her defenses go up she can get nasty and vindictive when you're trying to work with her. Why would I want to do that if I know that's going to make everything more difficult? I have to do it differently.
I get what your saying, but, you want to know what one of the most liberating feelings I ever had was?

I was in an argument with my ex and she was doing her thing, turning it around on me, getting fired up and really, just being her. I told her to eff off, I don't have to deal with your crap anymore. I don't have to worry about how you have to take things because all that did was STRESS ME OUT!

Look man, I don't know you, nor do I know your situation more than you have told us. We get that there are nuances. You know what? You don't even realize how much you have given up from yourself BESIDES the sex. You will see one day, when it's all over, how much you weren't the person you wish you were.
Herschel is offline  
post #159 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 54
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
You're kidding, right?
Are you referring to my having to call her out on things I know and asking for the rest of the story? At this point I'm practically over that. It's the lies that need to stop, whether by D or by confession. Or both.
Coping the Best I Can is offline  
post #160 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:12 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 1,296
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Go see several attorneys around town.

get some advice on your divorce.


Take the evidence that you have to your attorney. The Divorce court usually does not care about the cheating, but it is good to have it in the records.

You should do this now and stop waiting for the MC to make any difference.

Have her get a job.

Maybe she will run away with one of her lovers and you will be free.

It hurts to see you stuck in such pain.

Get out.

harrybrown is offline  
post #161 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:12 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

This woman has you so messed up you don't know up from down.

You get nothing from this woman.
Except stress.

You know you're going to be at risk for a heart attack from years of hypertension at the hands of her, right?

You truly are coming up with crazy excuses to keep tolerating her abuse.
How much sleep did you get?
High bp?

I wish we could help, but we are only observers.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #162 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 54
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Look man, I don't know you, nor do I know your situation more than you have told us. We get that there are nuances. You know what? You don't even realize how much you have given up from yourself BESIDES the sex. You will see one day, when it's all over, how much you weren't the person you wish you were.
@Herschel

Oh, I know how much I've given up. I laid everything out in a one-on-one with MC 2 weeks ago, threw my hands up and said "this is my life." It was then he said maybe it is time for D. This is why I'm here talking to all of you. I'm half a world away from the closest of family because of her, and I barely have any ties from my old life any more. I know what I've lost, and I know I could have been so much more. I said it before, I'm only in my 40s, so I think (hope) there's still time to salvage my life.

I'm sorry I'm so roundabout with all this and it took 11 pages of crap to get here, but there it is.
Coping the Best I Can is offline  
post #163 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,805
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coping the Best I Can View Post
@Herschel

Oh, I know how much I've given up. I laid everything out in a one-on-one with MC 2 weeks ago, threw my hands up and said "this is my life." It was then he said maybe it is time for D. This is why I'm here talking to all of you. I'm half a world away from the closest of family because of her, and I barely have any ties from my old life any more. I know what I've lost, and I know I could have been so much more. I said it before, I'm only in my 40s, so I think (hope) there's still time to salvage my life.

I'm sorry I'm so roundabout with all this and it took 11 pages of crap to get here, but there it is.
There is man. There is plenty of time. And someone out there will $#@$ like they mean it.
Herschel is offline  
post #164 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:40 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,429
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

Coping, when it all gets confusing go back to the facts:

1) She had a three month affair many years ago;
2) You have strong reason to suspect she lied about the nature of that affair and that it was full-on physical;
3) She then started a phone/online affair with a second man three years ago;
4) She said she stopped but now you have just learned she never has stopped talking with this guy.
5) During this time that she has been talking to this guy, she has effectively cut off all sex with you.

There. What do these facts tell you? What "nuances" do you deduce from these unequivocal facts?

Empirical evidence, gleaned from hundreds of similar stories to yours over the years, have taught us here at TAM that a BS in your situation probably does not now a tenth of what the WS has been up to all these years.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #165 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 367
Re: Having a hard time dealing with everything

You're seeing her for what you want her to be instead of what she really is. The mental problems and fantasy world she lives in will turn you into the bad guy in her mind--the guy who must be punished for divorcing her with no justification. Heck, you were already the bad guy once her mind classified you alongside her childhood abusers and started to make up stories about you.

And you're stuck in the sunk cost fallacy, insisting that your 19-year investment in the relationship should finally show some returns. It will not. She is not capable of giving.

Her lies will only stop once she's out of your life and you can't see her mouth moving anymore.
Tatsuhiko is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What's going on? Kukabura Coping with Infidelity 304 04-05-2017 03:36 AM
Question From Wayward Spouse Nevermoreagain Coping with Infidelity 66 02-22-2017 10:59 AM
First Post - Need help, *long Post* MrW General Relationship Discussion 92 10-12-2016 02:19 PM
Not A Good Wife Wishes Coping with Infidelity 1001 03-27-2016 12:26 PM
time to write... Pob Coping with Infidelity 27 01-16-2016 11:50 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome