Hi...i am in the process of recovering from an EA that my wife had...i was wondering what the cheating spouse go through after they decide to come clean and try to rebuild the marriage any experiences that anyone will like to share?...as I find that my wife tries really hard but she has told me that she is angry at herself for letting it happen in the first place and with the OM for leading her on. In my wife's case she took the initiative at times whereas he led her on when they met but did not take the other steps like calling her etc and wanted her to come to meet him, call him etc do you think that her ego got bruised in the process? is that why she is feeling this way? please help I am trying to understand what is going on in her head
You will probably never understand what is going on in her head. Her actions are the biggest indicator in what she is feeling. The fact that your wife is trying hard and saying she is angry for letting it happen is a step in the right direction. Some spouses do not even acknowledge the pain they caused and do not try.
Keep you head up, brother. Good luck.
Confusion, Pain, Self Loathing, Regret, Fear, Heart Ache, Withdrawal, Temptation, Shame, Disgrace - just to name a few - sounds like fun right? Ah memories. The prices of cheating suck - badly - but they are all self inflicted so if you can help her, support her, love her, but don't cut her any slack.
An emotional connection is painful to break, just like an emotional connection you might have with anyone else. The fact that the relationship was illicit doesn't make ending the relationship any easier. In addition she is cutting off contact (hopefully) with someone who was meeting some need of hers intensely enough to make her willing to commit adultery. Then add in that she has developed a literal chemical addiction to the rush she gets from contact with her AP (affair partner) so she must go through withdrawal as surely as if she was addicted to cocaine. Then pile on top of that dealing with what she has done to you, your marriage, your family, and to herself and you can see that there's a lot a remorseful cheater has to work through. But again, we cheaters did it to ourselves, it's the price we must pay for betraying those we love - it's our stupid tax.
It's good that you want to understand where she is, she'll need your help just as much as you'll need her's. As you've been told, listen to her actions they will provide a much clearer picture of where she is than her words. With everything running around in her head and heart she may not even be able to express the truth in words right now. I will add that I would never have been able to quit my affair without my wife holding me accountable - never. The addiction was too strong.
My wife was really open and she tells me and I believe most waywards don't grow up wanting to be cheaters, so there is this bad taste in there mouth that continues to beat them selve up for it.
Not to generalize, I also have to say that folks can grow up not having any moral compase at all and some are just bad characters, damaged poeple if you will.
OK back to may case......I was told that during her affairs she never once thought about me or the kids. It was all about an excape from reality of having an unhealthy marriage. The lifestyle she created cattered to her needs and what she wanted to be "happy".
Well as time went on her life style was no longer fun or happy, it was just a search from guy to guy looking for something that was never going to happen. Often there were times when she was straight and true to her self and her real life, but somehow she would need the attention and one way or anther find it...even for a short time.
So as my wife went through life looking for something that was only fake and fantasy she continued to strugle with her own happiness..only to continue in making unhealthy choices and not make the hard dicisions to make her life better.
So when D day came it was more of a relief that opened up a chance to get this monkey off her back and move on with a husband that actually started to care about his wife. She felt it was a sign that we both need to make the nessasery changes for a healthier life style.
Sure she still beats her self up for what she became, but she understands the why and more importantly she understand how to prevent it from happening again. Its a regret in her life that she faces but does not let it define who she wants to be.
In her case it was an unhealthy life style that lasted for 13 years and not one dam thing good came from it, so hence the time to make the change. It was me that opened this door and it was her choice to step through it with me.
So as far as her thoughts go....she hated her self, she knew it was all fantasy but what she really wanted was to be loved, but even the fake love would have to do. After d day she felt the same, hated her self, she now see's she has something real with me and show her appreciation for that. She now feels she has to work harder at life and maintain a strength that will prevent her from hurting her self, her husband and her kids. She feels she can no longer aford to be the weak person she once was and avoid the users in the world.
thanks for the comments, in my case she is really trying hard to undo the damage I have not seen her work this hard at our marriage ever...and I have also realized stuff that I could do to help out though keeping a close eye on things
I am a cheating spouse. My husband does not know.
I'm not really ready to talk about it, this is the first time I have even told anyone at all. There is little possibility that my husband will ever know. I thought coming here would help, but reading these stories makes me see that I have done a lot of damage anyways.
I was wrong to think that it would be harmless if he never found out. It has changed me and the marriage.
I am envious of those who are strong enough to tell. I wish you the best.
I am a cheating spouse. My husband does not know.
I'm not really ready to talk about it, this is the first time I have even told anyone at all. There is little possibility that my husband will ever know. I thought coming here would help, but reading these stories makes me see that I have done a lot of damage anyways.
I was wrong to think that it would be harmless if he never found out. It has changed me and the marriage.
I am envious of those who are strong enough to tell. I wish you the best.
So what made lead you to cheat? Do you feel guilt after you are with him? Have you stopped the affiar?
OntheEdge: every cheating spouse has a different journey. I think a lot will depend on whether the betrayed finds out or not. In my case, both my exH and I told eachother that we cheated in the marriage.
For me: I was wracked with incredible amounts of guilt and a feeling of Omg, what have I done? I went to therapy for nearly 2 years to help deal with the guilt and process everything that happened. I still feel bad for the poor choice I made but man have I come out stronger and w/ better boundaries and a new way of thinking. I am really turned off by cheating now. My ex husband never apologized for what he did but that is on him. He did once tell me "wasn't thinking" and didn't realize the problems it would cause and he said maybe we could have reconciled easier had it not happened. We ended up divorcing.
There were a LOT of problems in our marriage. My own journey has been full of lots of different emotions, and I am really repulsed by what I did. I am really repulsed by what he did, too. I am, however, eternally grateful for the fact that we told eachother what happened and no one had to "find out" or "discover" it cause I think that is the cruellest way to find out.
I have learned a LOT!!!!!! So from the pain and insanity that is infidelity, I know I've come out better now, even it was an ugly thing to go through.
There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.
There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.
I do not think the guilt can be worked on until you come clean with your husband.
I am still trying to understand what my wife was thinking and feeling. She does answer some of my questions but when I ask her about how she ended up in bed with him, just happened? not buying it. She tells me she felt guilty afterwards but then she did it again and again. I am not sure I can get on with my healing until I have honesty and she can explain her feelings.
I also think the same thing applies to you! you have to be honest with him and see what happens. I still lose about three hours out of my day thinking about my wife's affiar.
There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.
Tell him.
You know you won't stop on your own. And even if you don't tell him, it is slowly destroying your marriage.
Don't make the assumption that he's unlikely to find out. That's what every cheating spouse thinks. They are often wrong.
One day, there will be a slip. Maybe you will get careless. Maybe OM's wife will find out. Maybe it'll be dumb luck. But the longer you keep this a secret, the worse the fallout will be.
Your husband has the right to know who he is married to, and what he's up against. He probably already knows there's a problem, and has no idea why or how to fix it. That's not fair to him, it's not fair to your marriage and it's not fair to OM's marriage.
There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.
Timid, you are feeling guilty because you are currently having an affair. You say there aren't emotions going on but I doubt it. Not if you've been sleeping with him for that long. You were sleeping with him during your marriage, and now during his. You say you've known him lon gso my bet is it's an EA too. Childhood friend? Ex boyfriend?
I wish you luck. It's not an easy road. But I can assure you that as long as you are having an affair, you are going to feel awful and your marriage doesn't have a leg to stand on.
what does a cheating spouse go through 
