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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-08-2012, 01:20 PM   #31 (permalink)
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But guys, suppose you reconcile, your cheating spouse essentially becomes an outcast for life amongst your family and friends.
Yes and no. Owning up to the cheating and renouncing the awful choice to cheat, helps deal with that as well as actually being therapeutic to the WS by giving them something concrete yet hard to do.
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Old 01-08-2012, 01:43 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

So go ahead and sit back and let your wayward rewrite history and make you out to be the bad guy and now you are the outcast! Go ahead and keep quite and let the EA turn to a PA and wait another 1/2 a year or longer for your WW to come out of the fog, only to have more resentment and disrepect b/c she thinks in her fantasy that you always knew and didn't do anything to show you you cared.

She's already gone so take the steps to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible....making it very clear you will not share your wife and as a man, are confident enough to move on with out her if she continues.

More often then not showing this confidence and the self respect that tells everyone that you diserve better is the only chance in bringing her out of her fog. The sooner she faces the consequences the sooner *YOU* can move on with or with out her.

It will always be her choice to stay or go, but it is your choice to no longer tolorate it by asking others for there support for the marriage and exposing it to a small group of family and friends and OM.

By doing this she will have no respect for you and will resent you....wait she already does. So now that you have lost your W what more to you have to lose by protecting your self in exposing the affair?

I get you want to R, but your W doesn't and until OM is completely out of the picture your W won't even think about it. So go ahead and make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible and pour on the reality that you respect your self enough to open this can of worms that *SHE* has created.

Or you can wait and see as you quitely go through life as an unhappy man that believes he diserve this kind of treatment from another human being.
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Old 01-08-2012, 02:31 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Unless I missed it, let me ask if you have kids involved here?
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Old 01-08-2012, 03:23 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Unless I missed it, let me ask if you have kids involved here?
Yes, we have six children. Our youngest is only six.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:05 PM   #35 (permalink)
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The doctor isn't married. I'm not even sure if he's still local since some of the emails I've seen indicate that he's either moving or has moved out of the area.

It seems with plan A I should confront her with the facts I know about the EA? And get her to do a complete disconnect from the OM? This will be difficult and I know she has another friend of hers that is only encouraging her behavior. I'm also not sure how this will work out since she already wants the separation. Maybe I haven't read enough about plan A and B to fully understand how to implement them yet.

My goal is to reconcile but it seems everytime I bring up anything about our marriage it only pushes her away. Which now it's obviously because of the EA.
I don't think you should say anything to her until you're sure you know what you've got. Right now you're not even sure if the affair is with the doctor. I think you should hire a PI to follow her and find out what she's up to.

Who does she say she's moving in with? It may be OM.

I think you should order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. You can get it on Amazon.com. It has really good information in it for how to get her to end the affair. Don't let her see it.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:09 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Okay, so I should expose to my wife what I know. Then without telling her, expose to her family and contact the OM and ask him to not contact her while I try to rebuild the marriage?
I wouldn't ASK OM anything. I would TELL him that he can expect a little visit from you if he contacts your wife again. Let him know that you're not afraid to protect your wife and marriage from filth like him.

You need to find out for sure if he's married or has a girlfriend. It doesn't matter if your WW told you he's not married. She is probably lying to you. You need to expose the affair to his wife or girlfriend, as well.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:14 PM   #37 (permalink)
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I'd be careful about exposing the affair to others. That can cause alot of anger and resentment from your wife towards you.
Expose the affair to anyone who can put pressure on her to end the affair. Tell anyone she looks up to and respects. Their disapproval will go a long way toward breaking up the affair.

If you do a wimpy exposure and she doesn't get angry, you've got a problem.

I think you should ask your MIL to tell your WW that her OM will never be accepted into their family. I think it would be even better if your MIL called OM and told him that herself. Would she do that? I know that I would, if my daughter was seeing a guy who was slimey enough to break up a marriage and date a married woman.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:17 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Yes, we have six children. Our youngest is only six.
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You should tell her that if she doesn't stop the affair and you end up divorcing, you will not be her friend. And you will file for divorce, listing adultery as the cause. Tell her you will have OM subpoenaed to appear in court to testify about his role in the destruction of your marriage.

Tell her she will not be free to see her children whenever she wants, that you'll file for full custody. And that you'll arrange it so that they are never to be around OM.

In other words, paint a very ugly picture of how things will turn out if she doesn't break it off with OM.
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Old 01-08-2012, 05:54 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

If you expose her, she will get angry, and she may or may not eventually come out of the fog and R with you. But if you don't expose her, she WON'T come out of the fog (no consequences to her affair), and you will lose her anyway.

You have two chances to lose your M and one to save it.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:16 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I don't think you should say anything to her until you're sure you know what you've got. Right now you're not even sure if the affair is with the doctor. I think you should hire a PI to follow her and find out what she's up to.

Who does she say she's moving in with? It may be OM.

I think you should order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. You can get it on Amazon.com. It has really good information in it for how to get her to end the affair. Don't let her see it.
Yes, I have seen proof of an EA with this doctor.

She says she's moving in with a former coworker.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:05 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

So you have the children at the house and take care of them, paying all the bills etc while she can live the single life at her friends place???
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:15 PM   #42 (permalink)
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So you have the children at the house and take care of them, paying all the bills etc while she can live the single life at her friends place???
That's obviously her plan, not mine.
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Old 01-08-2012, 09:45 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

The longer you wait the worse it gets. Remember to let people know whats going on but not how you know it.

Pull the plug on this affair. The reason she is moving out is so the EA can go PA with out having to bother with you and the kids.

If she does move out be sure and change the locks while she is leaving and get a junkyard lawyer. I doubt she knows what her financial responsibilities are going to be. Of course the Dr. may have plenty of money.

I agree with committedwife about confronting Dr. Cheat. Let him know you are blaming him since this started when he started chating with her. Mention a subpoena if you have to . Doubt he will welcome the drama, he's aftersomething else. Find out why he's moving. Find his wife,girlfriend, ex. and find out his story.
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Old 01-08-2012, 09:45 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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No, absolutely no warning. You don't want her to paint you as a nut to the in laws. If you expose, do it with no warning.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:16 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Bmichael........
You will fill great empowerment - simple step
1. Talk to OM, tell him to leave wife alone
2. Expose - to family and friends
3. If she leaves house, it's not her hone anymore and will not be allowed in without your permission. That depression will result in proceeding with divorce
4. Offer reconciliation - NC with OM and MC

You can't continue letter be in charge and decide what's best..,..,.


You came her for advice, take it. If you came you TAM to post your sob story, to have us all cry with you as your life and marriage crumbles because you won't man up, I am afraid your at the wrong place.
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