Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

bmichael · 01-09-2012, 02:37 AM

Told the OM to back off while I repair the marriage.

Exposed the EA to her mother and close friends.

Exposed the EA to my wife. She insisted that they are just friends and that there's nothing going on, even when I saw the evidence myself that there is! She balked at the NC with the OM because she said there's nothing going on.

She said there was nothing I could say or do to make her change her mind about the separation. Her feelings for me have changed and she was preparing to speak to a lawyer this week.

We're scheduled for a counseling session next Monday but I'm not sure if she's going to attend or not.

Also, she unfriended me on FB. I'm sure it's because she's afraid that I'll go public on there.

We are still sharing our home until she decides to leave, if she actually goes through with it.

Would it be wrong, and what could be the reprocussions if I disable her iTouch, the device she uses to communicate with the OM, from our home network? Is that a good idea? Desperate to make sure she doesn't talk to him because frankly, everytime I see her on it, I'm assuming that's who she's talking to and I've had enough.

warlock07 · 01-09-2012, 07:08 AM

How did the OM react? You should get some of the iphone snooping tools

ArmyofJuan · 01-09-2012, 07:42 AM

Yea your wife is either lying or in complete denial of what she is doing as far as the A (some don’t consider it cheating unless there’s sex).

She is way too deep in the fog for a R to be a passing thought. You did all you can so now you have to move forward with the separation and don’t try to stop her or talk her out of it. You have to embrace it as if it’s what you want as well. They more you want to separate from her, the more likely she will have second thoughts.

There is a chance for an R if that’s what you want BUT it won’t be until after a few months of NC (you are going to have to ignore her as much as possible). Once they have been away for a while they start to question themselves and end up come snooping around. When they do, they are hoping you haven’t change so they will feel like they made the right decision to leave. If they find you no longer care about them and are even thriving without them then they panic realizing they screwed up and try to win you back.

In this situation (which mimics what a long time ex-gf did to me), she will more than likely start a “real” relationship with the OM the minute she is out the door. There is NOTHING you can do to stop it so don’t even try. Odds are it will not work out and within 6 months if they are not already broken up she will come looking for you and wanting to break with the OM. The timing could be a little off but I have experienced this myself and I’ve read many a story that ended up the same way. Once they get what they want they end up not wanting anymore.

vickyyy · 01-09-2012, 07:45 AM

Even your wife does leaves you to stay at her friends house, ask her to share children expenses.

Dont give her a free exit.

bmichael · 01-09-2012, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmyofJuan

Yea your wife is either lying or in complete denial of what she is doing as far as the A (some don’t consider it cheating unless there’s sex).

She is way too deep in the fog for a R to be a passing thought. You did all you can so now you have to move forward with the separation and don’t try to stop her or talk her out of it. You have to embrace it as if it’s what you want as well. They more you want to separate from her, the more likely she will have second thoughts.

There is a chance for an R if that’s what you want BUT it won’t be until after a few months of NC (you are going to have to ignore her as much as possible). Once they have been away for a while they start to question themselves and end up come snooping around. When they do, they are hoping you haven’t change so they will feel like they made the right decision to leave. If they find you no longer care about them and are even thriving without them then they panic realizing they screwed up and try to win you back.

In this situation (which mimics what a long time ex-gf did to me), she will more than likely start a “real” relationship with the OM the minute she is out the door. There is NOTHING you can do to stop it so don’t even try. Odds are it will not work out and within 6 months if they are not already broken up she will come looking for you and wanting to break with the OM. The timing could be a little off but I have experienced this myself and I’ve read many a story that ended up the same way. Once they get what they want they end up not wanting anymore.

Yeah, it's obvious that no matter what I say or do, she's just under a fog. My older kids know that she plans to leave and they are hurting very badly.

I'm going to 180 and do what I can to improve myself and get over this mess.

Initfortheduration · 01-09-2012, 08:05 AM

If your wife moves out, she is abandoning her children. That is what the court will see.

Shaggy · 01-09-2012, 09:01 AM

Ok, so you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP yourself.

You also need to consider if MC will help at all. IF she's deep in the affair fog, it likely won't help. MC isn't about convincing her to stop the affair - it's about the two of you learning to become a better married couple.

With her still in the affair - her energies are 100% going into building and growing that relationship.

The fact she dumped you FB says she's looking for ways to publically cut you out of her life and hide what she is doing from you.

At this point you should get the lawyer and file for D to show her you are willing to let her go if she can't end the affair.

warlock07 · 01-09-2012, 09:31 AM

What was the OM's reaction? How he reacted can give you some insight into their affair.

Dadof3 · 01-09-2012, 10:47 AM

Also - check with your lawyer (or the one you get) about alienation of affection statutes. With a Dr boyfriend - the plunder could be VAST!

bmichael · 01-11-2012, 06:34 AM

Wife slammed me yesterday. Yelled and was ticked. She just found out that I told her close friends about her EA, which she still has the nerve to deny. They have all said it's none of their business and are staying out of it. I kept cool, didn't let it affect me since I'm starting to 180.

There's NC with the OM anymore. Which she seems pretty upset about still.

My wife also thinks I hacked into her itouch to find the info and she's "secretly" purchaed a new cellphone. Not that much of a secret since I know about it. Now I'm wondering if I should confront her about this.

She refused NC to the friend of hers that is toxic and is convincing her to leave us. Got mad and said I was trying to control who her friends are.

I'm still wanting a R but she's acting like a crazy person right now.

Eli-Zor · 01-11-2012, 07:08 AM

Carry on with the 180 , you cannot control what she does you can control how you react , or don't as the 180 guides you .
Posted via Mobile Device

Eli-Zor · 01-11-2012, 07:11 AM

Sounds like someone is guiding her on the new phone, if it happens to be close at hand make it disappear.
Posted via Mobile Device

DailyGrind · 01-11-2012, 07:21 AM

How did you discover the secret phone?
Posted via Mobile Device

bmichael · 01-11-2012, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DailyGrind

How did you discover the secret phone?
Posted via Mobile Device

She withdrew $200 from our account, which she claimed was for a lawyer consultation, and her profile on FB states that she's using the Android app. She doesn't have an android phone.

My daughter also saw the phone last night. Just found that out this morning.

lordmayhem · 01-11-2012, 07:32 AM

Yeah, she denies anything going on with OM, yet she gets the secret affair phone.

What smart phones cost around $200 right now? One of those Motrola Droid RAZRs?