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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-11-2012, 07:38 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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Yeah, she denies anything going on with OM, yet she gets the secret affair phone.

What smart phones cost around $200 right now? One of those Motrola Droid RAZRs?
My wife is in a deep, deep fog. Trying to get her out before this EA becomes PA if it hasn't already.

Need her toxic friend gone and proof that the OM is gone. At this point, I'm not even thinking about a R
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Old 01-11-2012, 07:47 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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My wife is in a deep, deep fog. Trying to get her out before this EA becomes PA if it hasn't already.

Need her toxic friend gone and proof that the OM is gone. At this point, I'm not even thinking about a R
Then tell her to GTFO of the house. Pack her bags and drop her off at OMs or TFs house.
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Old 01-11-2012, 07:53 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Then tell her to GTFO of the house. Pack her bags and drop her off at OMs or TFs house.
I can't make her leave when her name's on the deed and mortgage.
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:15 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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I can't make her leave when her name's on the deed and mortgage.
I know you cant really make her leave, but does SHE know that? Hell, most betrayed husbands don't know that. They just accept at face value that their WWs can kick them out and they just leave when their WW tells them to get out. We here have to tell them that the WW can't kick them out. It's a bluff.
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:28 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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I know you cant really make her leave, but does SHE know that? Hell, most betrayed husbands don't know that. They just accept at face value that their WWs can kick them out and they just leave when their WW tells them to get out. We here have to tell them that the WW can't kick them out. It's a bluff.
Yes, she knows that. My wife is very intelligent, except when it's about this EA stuff that's going on.
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Old 01-11-2012, 09:14 AM   #66 (permalink)
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My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have 6 beauitful children. Since the end of November, my wife had been acting very differently. Ever time I tried to ask her what was going on, it led to an argument.

I have had an anger problem most of my life where when things upset me, I yell a lot. I always calm back down and apologize and it seems like we've always moved forward from there.

I tried to ask my wife about her behavior and it resulted in another argument and she stated for the first time that she wanted a divorce. I asked her why and she said that she can't take my anger and negativity anymore and has had enough. She said none of our arguments have ever been resolved throughout our entire marriage and that she was no longer in love with me and simply viewed us as friends.

I spent a few days still trying to talk to her and everytime she rejected me and stated the same things. She insists there isn't anyone else even though all the signs are there. However, I was able to "snoop" and discovered that since the end of the November, when she began to act strangely, she has been conversing with a doctor she use to work for.

She's told him our entire marriage history, including personal things that were only between the two of us, as well as personal information about herself. She also stated that she really likes him a lot and she's been texting and emailing him every night, even when myself and my children have been in the same room. I told her that I knew there was someone else in the picture without exposing exact details and she still denied there was anyone else.

Ever after all of this, I still don't want a divorce and would prefer to work things out. I guess I'm unsure of how to proceed? Should I tell her the exact details I know and see how she responds? 180? She wants a separation and plans to move out, but hasn't done anything yet. She keeps saying she's waiting to talk to a lawyer. I've already consulted one as well as attended IC. We have MC set up but she told me she only agreed because she thought it would help me.
Hi BMichael:

I had very similar circumstance in October. My spouse said she had reached the conclusion that after 22 years and rearing our children that we were no longer good for each other. She became involved with a coworker (male) that I believe was offering her "advice" on the situation -he'd been through three divorces. Things like this defy rational explanation. I have felt extreme sadness and depression because of her actions. HOWEVER- the key point is that you need to take a look at your anger. It is amazing how anger destroys. Maybe the hardest part of an EA or even PA is that while we are the wronged party, we still need to look at ourselves. This is not to say the the EA is our fault- IT ISN'T!! Dealing with your anger will only help you. Whether you do separate with your wife or not, it will only make you a better person. I recently realized that letting go was the key. I have to let her go to take her course of life and that forgiveness is important. These are difficult tasks given the emotions involved in an EA. I would also suggest MC. Most likely your wife still loves you. She will need to make changes as well if you are to stay together. I know this is difficult, because truth is, things may not work out. Letting go is the key, but you may not be at that point for a while. May I suggest the book "Anger" by Thich Nat Hanh. It is a buddhist approach to "cooling the flames" of anger that has helped me immensely during this time. God bless.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:43 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Hi BMichael:

I had very similar circumstance in October. My spouse said she had reached the conclusion that after 22 years and rearing our children that we were no longer good for each other. She became involved with a coworker (male) that I believe was offering her "advice" on the situation -he'd been through three divorces. Things like this defy rational explanation. I have felt extreme sadness and depression because of her actions. HOWEVER- the key point is that you need to take a look at your anger. It is amazing how anger destroys. Maybe the hardest part of an EA or even PA is that while we are the wronged party, we still need to look at ourselves. This is not to say the the EA is our fault- IT ISN'T!! Dealing with your anger will only help you. Whether you do separate with your wife or not, it will only make you a better person. I recently realized that letting go was the key. I have to let her go to take her course of life and that forgiveness is important. These are difficult tasks given the emotions involved in an EA. I would also suggest MC. Most likely your wife still loves you. She will need to make changes as well if you are to stay together. I know this is difficult, because truth is, things may not work out. Letting go is the key, but you may not be at that point for a while. May I suggest the book "Anger" by Thich Nat Hanh. It is a buddhist approach to "cooling the flames" of anger that has helped me immensely during this time. God bless.
Thanks for the book suggestions.

My wife has now resorted to hurdling insults my way on FB. That's fine with me since she has me blocked, however, my kids can see everything her and her idiot friends are posting. I told them not to stand for it if it bothers them.

Also, I plan to tell my kids about my wife's EA. To do this, I was verifying my source of information and I came across a message I hadn't seen before. The OM was planning a trip to Vegas with my wife!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe she has the nerve to deny all of this to me, her family and her friends!!!!
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:53 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Well, the only question remaining now is whether it is/was a PA
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:55 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Well, the only question remaining now is whether it is/was a PA
From all the messages I've seen, it doesn't look like it went to that level. I'm so mad right now. I wish I could toss her out of the house on her butt!!!
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:07 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Have you confronted her?
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:13 AM   #71 (permalink)
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Have you confronted her?
I confronted her over the EA before I knew about the Vegas thing. She denied the EA even though I have proof. She also screamed at me for telling her family and friends.

I'm drafting up a separation agreement and I'm going to tell her I want her out of the house immediately. In NC you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:30 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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From all the messages I've seen, it doesn't look like it went to that level. I'm so mad right now. I wish I could toss her out of the house on her butt!!!
If they were planning a trip to "notellville" it's likely that you really haven't delved into their actions far enough to tell
what level the illicit affair has gone.
One way to tell is if you two have been having any physical contact since your wife has indicated she no longer wishes to be with you. If not, it's likely she's getting it elsewhere. Nobody bothers to start a new relationship based on no sexual contact.
I hope you get whatever you want out of what is left of your marriage, but from what you have revealed, it would appear that you will be starting over and it will be without her.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:34 AM   #73 (permalink)
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If they were planning a trip to "notellville" it's likely that you really haven't delved into their actions far enough to tell
what level the illicit affair has gone.
One way to tell is if you two have been having any physical contact since your wife has indicated she no longer wishes to be with you. If not, it's likely she's getting it elsewhere. Nobody bothers to start a new relationship based on no sexual contact.
I hope you get whatever you want out of what is left of your marriage, but from what you have revealed, it would appear that you will be starting over and it will be without her.
We've had some physical contact. We've hugged a few times, held hands after she told me she wanted a separation but not since I found out about the EA. No sex. Not like I was getting it that often anyway. This whole situation has killed my sex drive anyway.

She's also been sleeping on the couch for almost a month now.

I'm really shocked because she's always claimed that she would never cheat since her father cheated on her mother when she was little and it altered the way she viewed him for the rest of her life.

I can't barely stand the sight of her now. She's not even close to being the person I married.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:41 AM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

The children make things a whole lot harder for you than would be the case had you had none with her or they were all of adult age. All I can tell you is that there really isn't any way for one member of a marriage to salvage it if the other isn't interested. I sense that you would like this to not be true, but if she fails to come around, you will be moving on, alone just as others have had to do.
I liken my split with my ex to be similar to a person quitting smoking at "other people's" insistence. You may not really want to do it, but eventually you no longer miss them once you accomplish it.
Good Luck
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:43 AM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Yeah, I'm ready to move on without her. It'll be a lot easier whenever she finally decides to actually leave the house. I'll have primary custody of the kids and I think the situation will be fine once she actually goes.
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