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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-15-2012, 09:42 AM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Print the following out and refer back to it:

Stay the course. You are doing the right thing.
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Old 01-15-2012, 10:43 AM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Keep in mind whatever it is that YOU want. Don't let her anger or outbursts sway your actions, just keep marching towards your goal.

The evidence may be gone, but what does that matter? It's not like you are prosecuting her for a felony crime. It may have been nice leverage to threaten exposure, and thus get a concession out of her in the divorce agreement. Ultimately though the hard evidence doesn't really do much for you.

Are you talking to a lawyer? I scanned the thread but don't recall seeing that you have a lawyer. He/she can tell you what kind of evidence would be helpful in the future.

Don't kick yourself for revealing too soon. You followed your natural instincts. Your basic honesty also came into play, you felt some guilt for spying on her.
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Old 01-15-2012, 10:48 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Yes, I've consulted a lawyer.

It's a waiting game on my wife to see how she proceeds from this point. If she walks out, like she's content to do, she's not going to have any ground to stand on since she'll be walking out on all of us.
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:15 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

In my opinion the only time a betrayed spouse should pursue reconciliation is if their cheating spouse begs on their knees for it. You went above and beyond what was needed to save this marriage.

Just reading the stories on here, it's so sad to think the person you love more than anything in life would reduce you to this mini secret agent. VARs here, hacking email accounts there and for what in the end? even if you reconcile, it's just a long painful life ahead and if you don't it's the same anyway.

sigh/
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:30 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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Just reading the stories on here, it's so sad to think the person you love more than anything in life would reduce you to this mini secret agent. VARs here, hacking email accounts there and for what in the end? even if you reconcile, it's just a long painful life ahead and if you don't it's the same anyway.
I agree. In the end what is the point? Even if R does happen, you will always have doubts. You will always be looking behind your back, having suspicions about every man your wife talks to, wondering where she is if she's the slightest bit late getting home.... always expecting the worst.

That, my friend, is no way to live.

That I why I dumped my wife the very day I confirmed she was cheating (caught her at a motel about to do the act). Kicked her to the curb and for the next three months she cried, screamed, threatened, and begged me not to D her. But I did. That was barely five years ago and I'm glad I did not back down from my decision. She moved in with the guy she cheated on me with, then a month or so after our divorce she dumped him for her second husband. A year later he kicked her out for cheating on him with the man who is now her third husband. And now the scuttlebutt I hear from mutual acquaintences is that she is most likely cheating on him now!!!

Let your wife go. It is for your best.
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:47 PM   #126 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

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I agree. In the end what is the point? Even if R does happen, you will always have doubts. You will always be looking behind your back, having suspicions about every man your wife talks to, wondering where she is if she's the slightest bit late getting home.... always expecting the worst.

That, my friend, is no way to live.

That I why I dumped my wife the very day I confirmed she was cheating (caught her at a motel about to do the act). Kicked her to the curb and for the next three months she cried, screamed, threatened, and begged me not to D her. But I did. That was barely five years ago and I'm glad I did not back down from my decision. She moved in with the guy she cheated on me with, then a month or so after our divorce she dumped him for her second husband. A year later he kicked her out for cheating on him with the man who is now her third husband. And now the scuttlebutt I hear from mutual acquaintences is that she is most likely cheating on him now!!!

Let your wife go. It is for your best.
Glad you're doing better spudster,you can never really know a person can you.
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Old 01-16-2012, 02:04 AM   #127 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Told her last night that she was disinvited to the counseling session. She still insisted that she was going. I told her that there wasn't a need. I also gave her an updated copy of the separation agreement that I have done up so she had it prior to her meeting with a lawyer today.

She still insists that Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend isn't going to fly. That I'm not going to have primary custody. I don't know what she's thinking. As I stated before, she only has her student loan money and no other income, and doesn't even have a place to live!

She also threatened me about our joint bank account. The money in the account is from her student loans and that's what we're living on until I get my check from my job. She told me I would have to pay back any money I spent! For example, I'm taking one of my daughter's to NYC this week to audition for NYU and Juilliard. She said I would have to pay her back for my half of the trip! Like we're going to send our daughter to NYC be herself!

On top of all this, she's still in denial about her EA and even lies about it to our kids. Makes it sounds like I'm an over jealous whack job when discussing it with the MIL in front of my daughter, who was upset and told me about it. Then claims it was just a friendship that I wrecked and because he's a doctor and she's studying PA, I destroyed potential career contacts for her.

I wish there was something I could do to just make her leave the house. But now it seems she's going to try everything she can to rip the kids away from me.
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Old 01-16-2012, 02:23 AM   #128 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

She is trying to scare you. Take care.
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Old 01-16-2012, 04:42 AM   #129 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Indeed. She's trying to bully you into sweeping everything under the rug.
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Old 01-16-2012, 04:45 AM   #130 (permalink)
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Well, I'm going to continue to wait and see what she does or doesn't do. I have no control over it anyway. I'm struggling with the 180 here at the beginning but I'm continuing onward.

My MC session for tonight is now IC.

I have a feeling she's going to be hit by a dose of reality when she meets with the lawyer today and finds out things aren't going to go the way she thinks.

I've already spoken to a lawyer so I know the answers to some of the questions she's going to ask, and she's not going to like them.

I'm reading the "Just Let Them Go" thread and that's a wonderful way of looking at things.
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Old 01-16-2012, 07:09 AM   #131 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Trying to gather evidence. What's the best way to place this VAR in her car? Under the seat? Tape it somewhere?

Are there any legal ramifications with trying to use this as evidence in court?
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Old 01-16-2012, 07:21 AM   #132 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

depends on the state, most it won't matter as they are no fault on-some states even make it is illegal (but rarely enforced)
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Old 01-16-2012, 07:33 AM   #133 (permalink)
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depends on the state, most it won't matter as they are no fault on-some states even make it is illegal (but rarely enforced)
Ok. I have the VAR ready. Just need the opportunity to stick it under the driver's seat in her car.

Since I messed up and don't have the messages, I'm trying to get other evidence. Everyone besides my daughter who saw the messages thinks I'm an over jealous crack smoker. And now she's threatening me in regards to the kids... I'm not standing for that.
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:34 AM   #134 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

Use heavy duty velcro to attach it under the seat.
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Old 01-17-2012, 07:09 AM   #135 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

I didn't get a chance to do anything with a VAR yesterday as my wife was gone before I came home from work. She had her consultation with a lawyer.

Afterwards, she tells me that her lawyer suggested we set up a "bird's nest" custody arrangment for our kids. Does she actually think I'm going to agree to this?!

My lawyer already told me that if this separation goes through, I shouldn't have any trouble retaining the house, getting primary custody of the kids, and probably seeking spousal support from the wife since she goes to college all day, studies all night, and only has student loan money for income.

Plus, my wife is in complete denial that she did anything wrong at all. Still insists that the messages were between friends, and that the messages between her and the 3rd party were a flirty way of relaying the other conversations. I have moments where I start believing her, but this reasoning makes no sense to me. And she said she could never be with me again after I told a couple of her friends and her mother about the inappropriate conversations.

I'm trying to 180 but I find it so much more difficult when she's in this house and not leaving. I also find it hard since I'm so confused on whether I want an R or not, which I know I shouldn't even be thinking about right now.
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