Your posts are full of the usual cheater nonsense. your are minimising, rewriting marital history, and fogged up to the eyeballs.
Once day you WILL wake up and realise what an arse you are being. hopefully by then your wife will have found someone decent who is honest with her and doesn't consider ber a consolation prize. Someone that has the moral standards to actually listen to the vows they are speaking on their wedding day and adhere to them.
You and your OM are both betraying the trust of people they swore to protect and honour. What happened to "for better or worse"? You get that, right?
It won't work out. It so rarely does, even though every fogged up cheater believes that they have met their soul mate, the one they should have been with all along. There is not one RIGHT person for everyone. You can fall in love with anyone, if you choose to work at that relationship and commit to the vows you took. All you are doing is taking the easy path. Like everyone who cheats ad goes to the AP, you will find out sooner or later that things don't look so rosy once you have all the day to day traumas of a relationship to work through, plus all the baggage that comes from infidelity.
Personally, I'd let your wife go. She so much deserves a better man than you. She deserves a husband, which you are failing to be.
When you do talk to your wife, please do it kindly. Don't tell her how much she sucks or how much she doesn't measure up to your perfect lover. Be decent and let her know that you are the one who wants out because you are the one who found someone else or reconnected to someone else or whatever. Let her know that this is not about some deficiency in her but about the fact that you have never given your relationship with her a real chance simply because you were in love with someone else the whole time. She will probably grant you a divorce without much fuss so that you can go off and be with the woman of your dreams. Understanding why a spouse has been cheating really does help. Blaming the spouse you're betraying or picking on her to justify your behavior, however, is really not cool. So, be kind to her and be honest. If you can't be all in, then leave the relationship and let her have what she deserves -- better than this half-hearted sham of a marriage that you are giving her. If you aren't sure, then take a break from both women, spend some time alone and think about it. Then, pick a person and commit. You're not evil, but if you keep cheating, you know you're being a total jerk, right? You know this isn't right....even your post indicates that this is a moral dilemma, which means you know you can't keep this up and still have any integrity. Everyone makes mistakes, but you can't just keep making them after you recognize they're wrong or it's just bad behavior.
I shudder everytime I read one of these stories. They are all the same. Another cheating loser drugged up in the fog of their affair with the partner they were "meant to be with". Meanwhile, the committed spouse is left hanging.
I agree with all the other posters. Divorce your wife. She deserves better than you. Run to your paramour. You two deserve each other and the odds are that you will get what you deserve: A fantasy relationship that will crash and burn and eventually the realization of what you have lost.
Good luck!
Ewww! ; yeah let her go, she definitely deserves better than you! Sorry to be so blunt guy, but your posts made me want to vomit. Don't you see what a piece of sh** the OW is for getting involved with someone else's mate? As for thinking about the OW all the time, well that is just how lust works. Once you have destroyed your marriage, and have settled for a tawdry AP, you will be able to evaluate some of her "finer qualities" and it will fade ; then you will possibly wake up, and your wife will have moved on to someone who can appreciate her. You will then find out, first hand what second choice really means.
When you do talk to your wife, please do it kindly. Don't tell her how much she sucks or how much she doesn't measure up to your perfect lover. Be decent and let her know that you are the one who wants out because you are the one who found someone else or reconnected to someone else or whatever. Let her know that this is not about some deficiency in her but about the fact that you have never given your relationship with her a real chance simply because you were in love with someone else the whole time. She will probably grant you a divorce without much fuss so that you can go off and be with the woman of your dreams. Understanding why a spouse has been cheating really does help. Blaming the spouse you're betraying or picking on her to justify your behavior, however, is really not cool. So, be kind to her and be honest. If you can't be all in, then leave the relationship and let her have what she deserves -- better than this half-hearted sham of a marriage that you are giving her. If you aren't sure, then take a break from both women, spend some time alone and think about it. Then, pick a person and commit. You're not evil, but if you keep cheating, you know you're being a total jerk, right? You know this isn't right....even your post indicates that this is a moral dilemma, which means you know you can't keep this up and still have any integrity. Everyone makes mistakes, but you can't just keep making them after you recognize they're wrong or it's just bad behavior.
Yes, I know I'm being a total jerk and I fully realize the moral dilema I'm in...beleive me, I'm struggling alot with the "wrongness" of it all (is that a word lol), I never in a million yrs would have thought I'd be one of "those" guys...yet here I am. The truth is, this is the ONLY woman who could ever get to me because we have such a history. I am trying to take some time off right now and just think because I know I can't keep this up for a long time. It's not fair to anyone and I'm being a total A$$, I get that...it's just so hard sometimes.
I also think a lot about the "once a cheater, always a cheater" logic and while I know the saying is there for a reason, I just can't help but think it's a little bit different with me and the OW. It's not like we just hooked up randomly on the street - I guess we're just another one of those unresolved long lost love stories, except neither one of us was "lost", we've been keeping an eye on each other for 20yrs. That's the real unhealthy part I suppose, and neither one of us should have let these feelings hang out there for so long. I know the odds of success are really low, but a big part of me is willing to take the risk, even though it would surely turn my life upside down, even if it all worked out perfectly, which it of course won't.
Anyway, I really appreciate the advice and having a forum where I can vent since I really can't talk to anyone about this...thanks
Yes, I know I'm being a total jerk and I fully realize the moral dilema I'm in...beleive me, I'm struggling alot with the "wrongness" of it all (is that a word lol), I never in a million yrs would have thought I'd be one of "those" guys...yet here I am. The truth is, this is the ONLY woman who could ever get to me because we have such a history. I am trying to take some time off right now and just think because I know I can't keep this up for a long time. It's not fair to anyone and I'm being a total A$$, I get that...it's just so hard sometimes.
I also think a lot about the "once a cheater, always a cheater" logic and while I know the saying is there for a reason, I just can't help but think it's a little bit different with me and the OW. It's not like we just hooked up randomly on the street - I guess we're just another one of those unresolved long lost love stories, except neither one of us was "lost", we've been keeping an eye on each other for 20yrs. That's the real unhealthy part I suppose, and neither one of us should have let these feelings hang out there for so long. I know the odds of success are really low, but a big part of me is willing to take the risk, even though it would surely turn my life upside down, even if it all worked out perfectly, which it of course won't.
Anyway, I really appreciate the advice and having a forum where I can vent since I really can't talk to anyone about this...thanks
Stop hiding behind crap excuses and talk.
First man up - and be honest with yourself. Because you're not.
Second - stop with the lies:
" I know I'm being a total jerk and I fully realize the moral dilema I'm in...beleive me, I'm struggling alot with the "wrongness" of it all (is that a word lol), "
Because you don't struggle or feel the wrongness. What you really feel is that you want something (the OW) and you are upset that your wife and kids are keeping from having what you want.
You aren't prepared to give your wife everything you have financially etc. and continue to give her money for support so that you can have the OW.
If you really wanted the OW - you would sign every asset over to your wife, and give her 80% of your net income for support for the next 20 years.
But you aren't prepared to do that are you. Why - don't you truly love the OW? Are you choosing money over the OW.
See - the conflict you have with going to the OW is that you want it all. You want the OW, and you want the money, and you want the kids, and you want to avoid the humiliation you are due because you are a weak man who is cheating.
Yes, you are a weak man. A strong man recognizes a WANT from a NEED and chooses when the WANT is going to cost too much and he walks away.
You've weakly chosen to have the affair because you wanted to physically be with the OW. You WANTED to have sex with her. Even though the cost is high- you're integrity, your family, your right to be proud of who you are. You literally traded any right to self respect when you chose to cheat.
Now you continue to hide behind word and lies.
Dude, man up and do what's right - not what you want.
First man up - and be honest with yourself. Because you're not.
Second - stop with the lies:
" I know I'm being a total jerk and I fully realize the moral dilema I'm in...beleive me, I'm struggling alot with the "wrongness" of it all (is that a word lol), "
Because you don't struggle or feel the wrongness. What you really feel is that you want something (the OW) and you are upset that your wife and kids are keeping from having what you want.
You aren't prepared to give your wife everything you have financially etc. and continue to give her money for support so that you can have the OW.
If you really wanted the OW - you would sign every asset over to your wife, and give her 80% of your net income for support for the next 20 years.
But you aren't prepared to do that are you. Why - don't you truly love the OW? Are you choosing money over the OW.
See - the conflict you have with going to the OW is that you want it all. You want the OW, and you want the money, and you want the kids, and you want to avoid the humiliation you are due because you are a weak man who is cheating.
Yes, you are a weak man. A strong man recognizes a WANT from a NEED and chooses when the WANT is going to cost too much and he walks away.
You've weakly chosen to have the affair because you wanted to physically be with the OW. You WANTED to have sex with her. Even though the cost is high- you're integrity, your family, your right to be proud of who you are. You literally traded any right to self respect when you chose to cheat.
Now you continue to hide behind word and lies.
Dude, man up and do what's right - not what you want.
First off, I don't have kids, second I have NOT had sex in any way, shape or form with the OW except for 20yrs ago long before I met my W. Please read my posts. I admit being in an EA, but there has been no physicality. It's so easy to say "man up" and do this or do that, as if we can just make major, life altering decisions in an instant. I AM working through this, but I'm trying to think about things carefully and (somewhat) rationally...sorry if that's taking me a few weeks to work through.
Also, my W and I both work and contribute equally, even though I make much much more than she does. I would never give her 80% of anything, or anyone for that matter, that's just insane - especially with no kids. I'm sure I'd have to give her some support in a D, though honestly w/ no kids I don't beleive I should need to...but finances are not a consideration for me to D or not to D - I'll be fine either way in that regard. Appreciate the advice...
Every single person says "No - no no, I get how you could think that but WE ARE different. WE ARE soulmates." statistics disagree. You're far more likely to be like everyone else. Stuck in a fog, "Loving" her because you can't have her.
It's a childish, high school game. Love isn't butterflies and giggles and girlish gossip. Love is respect. Which you have shown none to either woman. Posted via Mobile Device
Are you in individual counseling? You mentioned that you feel you have no one to talk to as you're making your decision. I really think that talking to someone who is totally objective might be a good idea.
Why do you think that this woman is perfect for you? You have this connection, but you say you have never been intimate with each other and never actually had a relationship. So, what you're basing your belief on is actually a fantasy. If you think that's worth sacrificing a good marriage, then you really should go because you're looking for an excuse to leave this marriage anyway.
I'm not trying to be cruel or mean to you, but you have to hear the truth from people who are not invested in your life. You have not given your wife a fair chance. Your marriage is a sham. You either have to find a way to fully commit to your wife or just let her go! Really, how would you feel if you found out that your wife recoiled from your touch because she wanted another man instead of you? Would you want her to stay with you if that's how she really felt? Or, would you want her to tell you the truth so that you could choose to be with someone who might actually love you for who you are?
Don't justify your position. Just listen to what others are saying and why they are saying it and that is how you will come to make your decision. Every cheater has the same story that you have, the AP is perfect and my partner was only a runner up prize anyway. So, don't let that be your reason. If you really don't intend to give your wife 100% (because you're in love with some fantasy), then THAT is your reason -- you don't want to be married to her; if that's the case, let her go with dignity and decency and kindness.
You wanna know what happens if you don't? Read about my story.
My WH that I've been with for 7.5 years, married to for 1.5 of those years, and now separated from for .5 of those years is just like you. While we were engaged, he started cheating on me with the girl next door; she married someone else and he continued being with me. However, he had been having an affair all along and when we got married, he just continued it. He became cruel and abusive, pushing me away just so he could have more time with her, picking fights with me so he could storm off and spend time with her (or other women, because eventually that happened, too). All the while, instead of ever telling me, "Hey, honey, I'm sorry but I'm in love with someone else and you're just not doing it for me" he proceeded to tell me all the things that were wrong with me because he was justifying his cheating. I lost so much of my self confidence and self worth because I could tell he was never really there when we were intimate, because I could tell he wasn't really kissing me when we kissed, and I worked my a** off to try and please him, but it messed me up so much that I lost my job and nearly failed out of school because I had a breakdown and am trying to claw my way out of it now. The sad thing is that I love him so much that when I first found out, I actually said, "if you love her, go be with her; I'm sorry things didn't work between us." But, because he had never really committed to her or me, he just kept blaming and berating me and now all I get from him are insults and verbal abuse and threats over email because we separated and now his family knows about his cheating and he is mad. You're probably not abusive and it may not go to that extreme, but some of that is probably going on in your wife's head; the diminished self worth, the worry about why she isn't able to connect to or please her partner, and all the stuff she can't quite explain that's bugging her. That's the road you're choosing, if you decide not to man up and be decent. What you think she doesn't know will eat her up inside. Do you want to do that to someone you love, just because you can't make up your mind? Don't be that guy. Just tell her you're not sure what you want and that you want to take a break for a while. Be honest about your problems and you can either split up or work it out. She is your partner and you really should be talking to her. The more you exclude her, the guiltier you will feel, and you will start making her the bad guy because she is an obstacle to your guilt-free pursuit of pleasure. You're not understanding the severity of your actions. I'm not telling you to stay with her, but you have to tell what is going on with you like now. It's better for you both that way. Choosing not to be honest now is a big big big mistake.
I AM working through this, but I'm trying to think about things carefully and (somewhat) rationally...sorry if that's taking me a few weeks to work through.
It only takes an instant to stop lying. There's no middle ground in this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfman
I actually almost recoil a bit at her touch. Kissing I feel nothing. The sex is ok but truthfully I use porn to get myself going beforehand.
What you really ought to be thinking about day and night is that you owe your wife for ten years of crass falsehood. Some people would label you a deviant. I wouldn't want you around my kids.
You can't restore time, but you better think of something, because that debt will continue to grow with compound interest.
Unless, of course, you happen to be an amoral snake. Are you an amoral snake?
Are you in individual counseling? You mentioned that you feel you have no one to talk to as you're making your decision. I really think that talking to someone who is totally objective might be a good idea.
Why do you think that this woman is perfect for you? You have this connection, but you say you have never been intimate with each other and never actually had a relationship. So, what you're basing your belief on is actually a fantasy. If you think that's worth sacrificing a good marriage, then you really should go because you're looking for an excuse to leave this marriage anyway.
I'm not trying to be cruel or mean to you, but you have to hear the truth from people who are not invested in your life. You have not given your wife a fair chance. Your marriage is a sham. You either have to find a way to fully commit to your wife or just let her go! Really, how would you feel if you found out that your wife recoiled from your touch because she wanted another man instead of you? Would you want her to stay with you if that's how she really felt? Or, would you want her to tell you the truth so that you could choose to be with someone who might actually love you for who you are?
Don't justify your position. Just listen to what others are saying and why they are saying it and that is how you will come to make your decision. Every cheater has the same story that you have, the AP is perfect and my partner was only a runner up prize anyway. So, don't let that be your reason. If you really don't intend to give your wife 100% (because you're in love with some fantasy), then THAT is your reason -- you don't want to be married to her; if that's the case, let her go with dignity and decency and kindness.
You wanna know what happens if you don't? Read about my story.
My WH that I've been with for 7.5 years, married to for 1.5 of those years, and now separated from for .5 of those years is just like you. While we were engaged, he started cheating on me with the girl next door; she married someone else and he continued being with me. However, he had been having an affair all along and when we got married, he just continued it. He became cruel and abusive, pushing me away just so he could have more time with her, picking fights with me so he could storm off and spend time with her (or other women, because eventually that happened, too). All the while, instead of ever telling me, "Hey, honey, I'm sorry but I'm in love with someone else and you're just not doing it for me" he proceeded to tell me all the things that were wrong with me because he was justifying his cheating. I lost so much of my self confidence and self worth because I could tell he was never really there when we were intimate, because I could tell he wasn't really kissing me when we kissed, and I worked my a** off to try and please him, but it messed me up so much that I lost my job and nearly failed out of school because I had a breakdown and am trying to claw my way out of it now. The sad thing is that I love him so much that when I first found out, I actually said, "if you love her, go be with her; I'm sorry things didn't work between us." But, because he had never really committed to her or me, he just kept blaming and berating me and now all I get from him are insults and verbal abuse and threats over email because we separated and now his family knows about his cheating and he is mad. You're probably not abusive and it may not go to that extreme, but some of that is probably going on in your wife's head; the diminished self worth, the worry about why she isn't able to connect to or please her partner, and all the stuff she can't quite explain that's bugging her. That's the road you're choosing, if you decide not to man up and be decent. What you think she doesn't know will eat her up inside. Do you want to do that to someone you love, just because you can't make up your mind? Don't be that guy. Just tell her you're not sure what you want and that you want to take a break for a while. Be honest about your problems and you can either split up or work it out. She is your partner and you really should be talking to her. The more you exclude her, the guiltier you will feel, and you will start making her the bad guy because she is an obstacle to your guilt-free pursuit of pleasure. You're not understanding the severity of your actions. I'm not telling you to stay with her, but you have to tell what is going on with you like now. It's better for you both that way. Choosing not to be honest now is a big big big mistake.
I think that you might me over estimating this guy's ability to empathize with another person. He talks about the guilt he feels, but I very much doubt his words, his actions keep shouting over his words. Like most cheaters, he only sees what he wants to see; definitely not a cosmic thinker here.
Are you in individual counseling? You mentioned that you feel you have no one to talk to as you're making your decision. I really think that talking to someone who is totally objective might be a good idea.
I'm not, but it's probably a good idea. I will look into this. Thanks
Quote:
Originally Posted by desert-rose
Why do you think that this woman is perfect for you? You have this connection, but you say you have never been intimate with each other and never actually had a relationship. So, what you're basing your belief on is actually a fantasy.
We have been intimate, just not in a long time. You are correct that we have not ever "had a relationship" in the sense that we never lived together, had to deal with work, kids, bills, daily ups and downs etc. But then again, neither was I "in a relationship" with my W prior to meeting her, obviously. You never do those things until you do - are you somehow saying that if we'd been together before and broken up that this would not be so much a fanstasy?
Look, I get that I'm fogged up to the eyeballs and reading so many things here on TAM has opened my eyes to a lot of things and made me even more aware of the pain my actions can/will cause. You own story is very sad and I hate myself for being the same kind of guy that your H was. As I'm sure everyone knows here, when you are totally in the fog you are nothing thinking clearly and not even saying things that maybe you "really" think sometimes, right? That's why I'm amazed sometimes that people are so quick to say, do this or do that. You KNOW I'm not thinking straight - that's why I'm here. I'm just trying to figure this all out and get my head on straight.
Back to the OW though..we have a complicated past. This might be the fog talking, but I really DO think we have what it takes to make it. We've seen each other at our worst, believe me, and we've been there for each other during very difficult times in our lives. Sure, there is some "fantasy" going on, but we also spend a lot of time talking about real issues - houses, money, jobs, kids, health, friends, charities, you name it - it's not like we spend all day texting smiley faces and hearts to each other. we have a long back story - and the only reason we were not together all long is because of a couple of short sighted decisions long ago...
thanks so much to everyone for all of the advice, I do apprecaite it.
I'm sure everyone knows here, when you are totally in the fog you are nothing thinking clearly and not even saying things that maybe you "really" think sometimes, right? That's why I'm amazed sometimes that people are so quick to say, do this or do that. You KNOW I'm not thinking straight - that's why I'm here. I'm just trying to figure this all out and get my head on straight. .
Wolfman - do you think you are not able to recognize wrong from right?
What I hear is you twisting the fog idea around to justify you continuing to follow the status quo - which is nothing more than you continuing to cheat.
So you post here, you say you feel quilty, and then you delay by hiding behind various ideas and words.
Bottom line:
What you are doing it wrong.
You cannot continue to cheat.
You must tell the truth to your wife.
You must either divorce your wife or end all contact with the OW.
There is no moral middle ground here. There is no complex analysis. There is only a man who's cheating and who needs to man up and fix the crap he started.
Wolf - I said before there is no rabbit hole. All you're doing is twisting yourself up and ultimately confusing yourself more. The only way out of this for you is through the front door. Lay it all out on the table, bring it into daylight, and let it all unfold how it will once everyone has the truth.
As long as you are the only one with all of the information you will continue to be confused and conflicted because you are trying to predict other people's responses and reactions to the truth. Every time you play it through in your mind you can bring it to a different conclusion because you don't really know what will happen once all this comes to the surface - do you?
I think you believe that with enough thought and introspection you can come to a conclusion, decide on a course of action, put that into effect and move forward - calm, cool, controlled and committed. I assure you that when this comes to light any and all semblance of control that you have will fly right out the window in the first 5 seconds. This is going to be messy, it's unavoidable. My wife asked me just the other night that if I wanted out of my affair did I ever consider just confessing? My answer was no, because I kept thinking I could find a way to bring the affair to and end and resolve everything calmly and logically. HA!! What an idiot I was.
If you want this stomach ache to end, if you want some peace back inside your head and heart - fess up - get on with it. Take the consequences, pay the prices. The only way out is forward man.
You're suffering because you don't know what you want. All I'm saying is that you're going to hurt someone with your indecision. If you want to be with the OW, then go be with the OW -- but, please have the decency to be honest with your wife and tell her what you're doing instead of keeping her on the back burner while you figure it out. I didn't tell you my story for sympathy or pity but because you don't seem to understand that you're going to cause your wife some serious pain if you continue to cheat instead of being honest with her. I think that if my WH knew he was going to cause me so much pain, he would have ended our relationship before going after the other woman. There's no sarcasm in my words.
You have been in love with someone else for so long that you were not able to commit fully to your wife. You recognize that you want a chance with the OW. So, go seize the day. I'm agreeing with you -- go be with your dream woman, if you believe that's what she is. All I'm saying is, do it honorably by breaking things off with your wife first instead of continuing to cheat. The best outcome is that you find happiness with the OW and your can move on to find someone who loves her fully and isn't just keeping her on the back burner. Man up and pick one way or another, but don't justify your cheating by claiming indecision and a desire to spare your wife the pain of splitting up because you're not sparing her any pain by lying. You will feel wayyyyyy better about yourself and your life and you will be free to pursue your happiness when you are honest.
3Likes
Re: New here - My EA and confused love story 
