Hi all, just found this site and wanted to tell my quick story. Been reading a lot of threads on here and helps to see I'm not alone. Been married 6 yrs, together for 9 and no kids. Long story short, was madly in love with a girl 20yrs ago and for various reasons did not end up together. In fact, we never actually dated - we were both in love with each other for years, were intimate a few times, but I think at the time didn't realize what we had. There is a lot to the backstory but the long and short of it is, she got married and I moved on - or tried to. Truth is, she has never left my heart. I think about her all the time and have for 20 yrs. My wife, I hate to say it, was 2nd choice.
On the outside, our marriage is perfect - great house, jobs, income, get along great, etc. Most friends probably think it's perfect. The problem is I don't feel the passion, and never have. I'm a touchy kind of guy, I love to kiss, hold hands etc, and I just don't like to do these things with my wife. I actually almost recoil a bit at her touch. Kissing I feel nothing. The sex is ok but truthfully I use porn to get myself going beforehand. Once a week at best, like clockwork - zero passion and I find that our whole marriage I almost never initiate - and I'm actually a pretty sexually charged guy! So...I'm sure you all see where this is going. My love from the past contacted me recently and we've been in a pretty heavy EA for about 6 weeks now. We met once in person and talked for about 6 hours and nothing physical happened (well ok, one kiss). This isn't the first time we've talked in 20 yrs as we've always maintained communication, but this is the first time we've come out and said "I love you, I messed up, I've never stopped thinking about you, etc".
So, now I'm torn...I really, really want to be with this woman and part of me thinks I should get a D regardless of what happens. My W loves me to death and I know this would devastate her (she pursued me hard or else I probably never would have married...I caved). My life would also turn completely upside down if I were to pursue a new life with my "true" love for about a million different reasons...I know chances of success are slim, but why do I want it so bad?? I'm so confused...why is life so complicated?!
You make it complicated by bring back old loves so stop. As hards as it is stop and be the man you always wanted to be. Enless you grew up wanting to be a cheater, in which I doubt. So take the tough stance and either leave your wife of stop all contact with OW.
Sure it easier to have an affair but is that what you want to be. When you leave this earth do you want to be know as an adultoror?
This crap is not going to make any thing better so make the hard choice now, before this gets out of hand...and it will bro, this chick is all over you and she will continue so you need to do the NC on her. Or leave your wife. Do not try to do both thats not what you want to be...no body does but it just gets out of hand and as it snow balls you can not stop it until your W finds out and by then it will be to late.
Make a choice between your old love and your wife. I'm almost hoping you let your wife go so she can find someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved, not as a second choice.
Wow! Sounds complicated.
I can understand your feelings but there is no guarantee you will not feel this way about the other woman in the future. Right now it's fun, exciting and forbidden love. You said you were in love with but you didn't know her well enough to say she is "the one " .
I can understand where you are coming from when you say you are not in love with your wife. I was young when I married and my marriage had many problems. I was not attracted to my400+ lb hubby and felt bad about it.
Most people will tell you to stay and work it out but only you know if you are truly in love with your wife or if it's just infatuation with this previous woman you were in love with. You have to ask yourself many questions and answer as honestly as you can. Like you said neither of them may be right for you. Maybe your old lover is a stepping stone so you can start to move away from your wife. If you truly do not love her then it is unfair of you to hold onto a lie. You need to move on and be honest with her as to why you don't want to be together any longer. Good luck with your decision. Posted via Mobile Device
Make a choice between your old love and your wife. I'm almost hoping you let your wife go so she can find someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved, not as a second choice.
Yes this!!
Cheating will only destroy you all. Make a decision and pay the prices.
I understnd that your wife was second choice but the fact that you held onto a fantasy about this other woman for 20 years really never gave your marriage a fair run. I bet you too, that even though you still think this other woman is it, even THAT is based on your memories and unrealistic fantasies of her. We can tend to distort fantasies into something of an unrealistic dream. You have fed off of that dream and you may have to find out the hard way that even if you leave your wife that this other woman will not even compare to the fantasies that you have created of her. You will have hurt your wife, yourself and this other woman's husband, right? I assume she is still married? You need to decide what is right for all, and all around. Like the person above said, do you want to be that kind of man? You may be destroying alot of hearts and lives based on an unrealistic fantasy. You have fed on it for so long that you will be blind to any reality til it's too late. You better think long and hard about what you're doing and what you might be left with, or without. Even at this point, if your wife finds out, SHE may not be so forgiving or want to stay with you.
It is harder to find someone that loves you than someone you love. The other woman is a fantasy right now and has no flaws right . Would you be able to say the same if you are married to her?
If she was the one the true one-- you would not be asking this. And as for the flaws you'll find them. Everyone has them. And it doesn't mean her flaws will be unpalatable. And as for your wife- if she pursued u does that mean she is aware she was second choice? Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think giving up a woman that has adored you for 20 years for a woman you never actually dated or even spent any meaningful time with to establish love is a clever idea. But yeah, it's not fair on your wife.
I don't think giving up a woman that has adored you for 20 years for a woman you never actually dated or even spent any meaningful time with to establish love is a clever idea. But yeah, it's not fair on your wife.
I think you have it backwards...I've known the OW for 20+ years, and we have spent a ton of meaningful time together. My wife I've known for 10yrs. I agree, it's not fair...
It is harder to find someone that loves you than someone you love. The other woman is a fantasy right now and has no flaws right . Would you be able to say the same if you are married to her?
Fantasy maybe...flaws? For sure! The truth is, we (OW and I) know each other better than our SO I think...I know everything there is to know about her, I've seen her at her worst, I've seen her sick as a dog, in sweats, no makeup, cranky and angry at the world lol, and she still makes me smile. Although we technically never "dated", in essence we sort of did for years...like I said, the backstory could be a book in itself, but the point is this is not a random person I ran into and want to f**k, nor is it a HS sweetheart who I haven't talked to for 20yrs...there is a LOT of history here. I suppose that's why it was so easy to go from 0-100 so fast!
I understnd that your wife was second choice but the fact that you held onto a fantasy about this other woman for 20 years really never gave your marriage a fair run. I bet you too, that even though you still think this other woman is it, even THAT is based on your memories and unrealistic fantasies of her. We can tend to distort fantasies into something of an unrealistic dream. You have fed off of that dream and you may have to find out the hard way that even if you leave your wife that this other woman will not even compare to the fantasies that you have created of her. You will have hurt your wife, yourself and this other woman's husband, right? I assume she is still married? You need to decide what is right for all, and all around. Like the person above said, do you want to be that kind of man? You may be destroying alot of hearts and lives based on an unrealistic fantasy. You have fed on it for so long that you will be blind to any reality til it's too late. You better think long and hard about what you're doing and what you might be left with, or without. Even at this point, if your wife finds out, SHE may not be so forgiving or want to stay with you.
Agree with you on all points. YES, she is still married. Look, I'm sure there is some "fog" going on for both of us...I know 1 month ago I was 1000% sure I wanted a divorce, now I'm just confused...our communication has backed off some recently and I'm really just trying to get my head around everything. I do love the OW very much and she will always have a place in my heart - what that means for the here and now, I just don't know right now...
You know there's no magic rabbit hole out of the spot you're in right? You can contemplate it and ponder on it and lament it all you want but every time you turn around you will still be right where you are. You are not going to become clairvoyant or get hit with divine inspiration revealing the right course to choose.
I too had a two month EA with an old flame, unlike you my wife was never second choice but my AP and I had an incredible chemistry that is hard to resist. I have a real appreciation for where you are. You are going to have to pick and all of you are going to be crushed. There's no way your wife isn't going to find out - even if you call off the affair - because you won't be able to quit it. You're addicted to your affair partner as surely as if she was pure heroin.
There are only two ways out of this for you. One is to continue to do nothing until one of the women leaves you and then try to make up with the remaining one. The other is to pick a direction, commit to it and see it through - either your wife or your AP.
I can't tell you which is right. You're already in an affair so honor and dignity have already left the building. All I can really tell you as someone who has been there is that every day you stay in an affair like you are it eats part of your soul. The prices you - and I mean only you - will pay as a result are catastrophic. Regardless of how you exit this situation what you have done to yourself will haunt you for the rest of your life and the longer you continue it the worse it will be. And I'm not even addressing what everyone else gets to go through.
In the even that you choose to focus on your wife and end it with your AP - PM me - I've got a few things there you need to hear also but they're only worth typing if you elect that direction.
Why did you marry your wife? Is the OW married? Where did you go to w OW for 6 hours that you didn't tell your wife? Posted via Mobile Device
We sat in the car and talked. And I DID tell my wife...my W knows this OW as a "friend" of mine....I did tell her I was having lunch with her (maybe a lie about the 6hrs part, but she knew about the meeting..)
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New here - My EA and confused love story 
