1 heart, a billion pieces
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-09-2012, 08:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default 1 heart, a billion pieces

I've been married for 18 years and just found out my wife has been having an affair with a co-worker for 8 - 10 month (as I put more together is gets longer and longer) Full blown affair, love sex everything. She did this to me before about 5 years ago. However she swears there was no sex. She admitted to kissing on the beach after my relentless pursuit of the whole truth. I know she was lying. If she would do it now why not then? Plus like another member said, sorry forgot their handle :/, "I hate to tell you, she was having sex, snuggeling? what is she is middle school?" just add kissing. I have also caught her in the past chatting online in an inappropriate way with men. So this is strike three! Or a walk of grand slam. I don't think I can do this anymore with her. To make matters worse she sits at the same exact table as this guy and was texting him weeks after she told me she broke all contact with him. To help justify the affair she kicked me out of the house 6 months ago. We have had our problems in the past, I was not perfect but like any strong couple we kept plowing through. I knew nothing of the affair at that time however I was catching on to something going on and questions her "we are only friends" she said. The kiss of death. She said she has been married since she was 18 and needed a "break". I warned her many times that just because we are separated we are still married. I'm a fool and I cried for her almost every night when I was away. I find out about it and now she loves me again and want to try and work things out. Then she wants me out of her life again saying I was feeling guilty so I wanted you back but now I'm sure I want you out of my life. Now two weeks ago she loves me more than anything in the world and wants to work on things? I'm not so sure I do anymore. I do love her with all my heart and sole but I can't waste another year. I have two boys, 14 and 17, I don't want them to get hurt by this :/ I'm 38 and have been married since I was 19. I feel I may have missed out on things but have been in love and dedicated to my wife always knowing that is better than the single life. Being 38 now I feel it is going to be impossible to find a loving great girl to be with. I have no idea how to talk to woman and be assertive enough to get them interested in me. I never had too so of course I didn't. My wife is very attractive and for some stupid reason that is one of my reasons for maybe trying to work it out. I know, stupid but these are feelings and I cant ignore them. There is also the comfort factor. It's easier to stay. When I was away I wanted more than anything in the world to back with her. Now she wants me back and to work things out and I am leaning towards no. I can't get hurt again, heartache is the worst pain in the world. I'm on a crazy emotional roller coster and I just want it to stop one way or the other. Please help, I have no one to talk to about this and any advice would be awesome!
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Old 01-09-2012, 08:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Are you living back in YOUR house with YOUR kids? - if not move back in and into your bed in your bedroom. - her opinion on this doesn't matter.

Has she ended contact with him fully?

Do you have full open access to her phone, email, where abouts? - if not then the affair is still fully going.


btw - 38 yr old guy will actually do just fine out there - there a lots of single women who've dumped their cheating husbands and are looking for a good guy to move on with.
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Old 01-09-2012, 08:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Easier to stay but going insane and losing all your dignity can be easy too. Don't do the easy thing, do the right thing. She is a cheater and didn't learn her lesson the first time. She doesn't deserve a second chance. Don't you see that even IF you two worked it out that you would go through life never trusting her again? Move on and find yourself someone who is faithful and respectful. Sorry for your pain.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

If you do not respect yourself then who wil?: Have the both of you been tested for STD's? Sorry but you are the door prize. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been?

She put your health at risk for 10 months screwing this guy behind your back and now knows that you will accept anything she does. She clearly has no problem humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. You know she will probably do it again. Why would she respect a husband that would forgive her for this? She is now toxic to you. Good luck.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

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Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
Are you living back in YOUR house with YOUR kids? - if not move back in and into your bed in your bedroom. - her opinion on this doesn't matter.


Has she ended contact with him fully?

Do you have full open access to her phone, email, where abouts? - if not then the affair is still fully going.


btw - 38 yr old guy will actually do just fine out there - there a lots of single women who've dumped their cheating husbands and are looking for a good guy to move on with.
yes I'm home now. No she hasn't she works in an open room at work and they sit and work together at the same table. I know I'm just in that 20 years in a relationship and am so scared to go out into the "real" world again. They say there is life after divorce but I never thought it would be me.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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If you do not respect yourself then who wil?: Have the both of you been tested for STD's? Sorry but you are the door prize. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been?

She put your health at risk for 10 months screwing this guy behind your back and now knows that you will accept anything she does. She clearly has no problem humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. You know she will probably do it again. Why would she respect a husband that would forgive her for this? She is now toxic to you. Good luck.
Yes and I find out her best friend was screwing him right before she was. I guess my wife is more into the love and emotional side of it as much as the sex so that is why it lasted a very long time. Her friend on the other hand is banging anything that moves and I know the number has to be in the dozens. She is married too and I am very close friends with her husband and it kills me every time I see them together. I probably should get tested :/ I don't know what I'll do if I find out I have something. My wife is still best friends with this girl and this girl isn't going to quit, ever. Birds of a feather. My wife swears she won't do it again. She said she won't risk it. Doesn't that mean you want to do it still but you just won't?
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Has the cheating friend been exposed to her husband?

Have you exposed the OM?
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Have you exposed this affair at work and to the OMW if there is one? The following should be NON NEGOTIABLE:
  1. Has she written the NC letter?
  2. She absolutely MUST quit that job. As long as she sees him, the affair is still on in her heart AND you will NEVER be able to very NC.
  3. She has to immediately drop the TF
  4. She must be absolutely transparent.
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Old 01-09-2012, 10:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

I do not understand why you have not exposed the cheating friend to her husband since you are a friend to the husband? You say she bangs anything that moves so the chances are good that she will give him an STD. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to be told?

You make an excellent point about your wife saying it is not worth the risk. It means she would want to do it but does not want to ruin her meal ticket. This is not true remorse. See an attorney and stop her from continuing to make you look like a fool. Good luck.
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Old 01-09-2012, 10:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

You need to set up and enforce boundaries. She needs to know that you won't tolerate this behavior. The very minimum you need to demand from her is:

1) Quit her job
2) Give up her friend that screws anything that moves

These would be deal breakers. If she won't agree, then move on.

Also, if the OM is married or has a girl friend, tell them that he has been cheating with your wife. Tell your friend that his wife has been cheating on him.

You either need to set up firm boundaries and ensure your wife knows you will divorce her if she doesn't adhere to these boundaries. Or you need to divorce her. If you allow her back without boundaries, she has shown you that she will just cheat again.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

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Has the cheating friend been exposed to her husband?

Have you exposed the OM?
No She hasn't and I there is no way in the world I'm going to expose it. She will run out of luck sooner or later. I can't feel responsible for firing the ball of uranium. I would like her out of my wife's life but if this doesn't work out then I will walk away from all of it.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
Have you exposed this affair at work and to the OMW if there is one? The following should be NON NEGOTIABLE:
  1. Has she written the NC letter?
  2. She absolutely MUST quit that job. As long as she sees him, the affair is still on in her heart AND you will NEVER be able to very NC.
  3. She has to immediately drop the TF
  4. She must be absolutely transparent.
Okay so, I have to apologize, I'm a newb and I have NO idea what a OMW, NC letter or NC and TF mean? sorry once I know I can answer you!
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Like you said, "strike three."

I would've dismissed her at strike one, but hey... to each his own, right?

You say her friend was banging him too. This is even more insulting. Your wife- knowing that her friend was a notch on his belt- actually let herself be taken-in by him also.

This guy is having the time of his life at your expense, and her friends' husband.

If you're so close to her husband, then you got to let him know what's going on. You don't have to tell him what a tramp she really is, but you got to tell him she was banging this particular guy.

If I were you, I'd be ready to regulate on OM's ass.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I do not understand why you have not exposed the cheating friend to her husband since you are a friend to the husband? You say she bangs anything that moves so the chances are good that she will give him an STD. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to be told?

You make an excellent point about your wife saying it is not worth the risk. It means she would want to do it but does not want to ruin her meal ticket. This is not true remorse. See an attorney and stop her from continuing to make you look like a fool. Good luck.
Ya it puts me in a SUPER hard spot. I didn't do ANYTHING to deserve all this drama. I hate drama. I just want a simple mostly normal life. That's what I thought I had. I've been sucked into a darn desperate house wives season!! Not that is matters one bit but this are highly educated, intelligent, beautiful people doing this. I thought I was doing everything right. Wow. I just don't have the heart to tell him. I just don't
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: 1 heart, a billion pieces

Wish you would expose friend affairs to her husband.......wouldn't you want to know.....do it secretly
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You could be actually saving his life!
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