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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-10-2012, 09:21 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

I'll answer your question directly. If you feel you owe her an apology then apologize. Your apology to her has nothing to do with hers to you - the two are not related. An apology is a way of atoning for wronging someone, not a way of keeping score. I agree she owes you a huge one, but yours to her is not contingent upon hers to you, at least if yours is genuine. If you owe it to her, give it to her.
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Old 01-16-2012, 10:45 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

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Originally Posted by FrankKissel View Post
He's not rug sweeping anything and not once has he suggested that he is to blame for his wife's cheating. Rather, he's (bravely, IMO) taking responsibility for his part creating a marital atmosphere vulnerable to cheating. His willingness to recognize the faults of himself as well as his wife is the exact opposite of rug sweeping.

It seems a lot of posters around here want to believe infidelity occurs in some sort of vacuum, or can occur in otherwise flourishing marriages. That way the betrayed can absolve him/herself of any bad behavior. I suppose in a rare instance it may be true that an ideal spouse is cheated upon, but far more often than not infidelity is a symptom of a failing relationship, not it's cause.
Saki isn't taking the blame for the infidelity in his marriage, but he is recognizing that he shares responsibility for the failings that made infidelity possible.

It's a very mature outlook, and one I think gives his marriage a better shot at reconciliation than those in which one partner (or neither) is willing to own up to their failings.
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We were talking about him apologizing to his cheating wife. I suggested he apologize to her for his part in the failure of their marriage and then move on with his life without her.

In no way is he responsible for her infidelity.
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Old 01-17-2012, 04:37 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

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It's a very mature outlook, and one I think gives his marriage a better shot at reconciliation than those in which one partner (or neither) is willing to own up to their failings.
Reconciliation is more nuanced process than this, it has nothing to do with maturity.

Circumstances can be different for every couple, but there are real dangers that BS can guilt-trip themselves with apologies, or that WS will use it to rationalize the affair.

Not saying it has no place, but one has to be cautious.
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Old 01-17-2012, 06:06 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

Saki has came here for assistance with R. He has pointed out his own faults in creating huge problems with his M and with what I read he did so. I agree with the few that see no issue with him apologizing first, that is not rug sweeping. They both need to admit their own faults in order to go forward, if not, that is rugsweeping in my book. Both need to be in the M full time. If an apologizing does not come from her soon (within a day or two) I think he should sit her down and ask her why to her face. It may mean she is not fully in the M.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

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Hey guys, get off it.

Don't try to tell me about filing for divorce or justifying her cheating. I didn't post a thread about that.

Limbo is where I am not. I am trying for R. If you can't deal with that fact, don't post in my thread.
Saki, when you apologize, often you are really apologizing to yourself. You have no guarantee that the person you are apologizing to will accept your apology, or even want it.

You think that both of you deserve apologies from each other, and it sounds like you are correct.

But.

If you are wondering who should go first, your ego may be involved in the process.

If you have identified ways that your behavior hurt your spouse, there is no down side to apologizing for your actions. The down side shows up when you have an expectation that your spouse will do some introspection, realize how they have caused you pain, and apologize for that, except that they don't end up doing it.

If you believe apologizing will help you and your wife R, then by all means, apologize!

Here's hoping things work out well for you!
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:51 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

In this particular kind of scenario, apology can be a very fine line to walk. While both partners bear shared responsibility for the state of the relationship, only the cheater bears responsibility for their infidelity. In many such cases, however, the WS can and will take the LS's accepting responsibility for contributing to that state as the LS also taking responsibility for the WS's decision to cheat. As a result, any such apology on the LS's part must make it clear that they are not apologizing for "causing" or "forcing" their partner's infidelity, but only for their own shortcomings that contributed to the decline of the relationship. And that can be tough to do without the apology sounding hollow, at best.
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Old 01-17-2012, 02:34 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

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In this particular kind of scenario, apology can be a very fine line to walk. While both partners bear shared responsibility for the state of the relationship, only the cheater bears responsibility for their infidelity. In many such cases, however, the WS can and will take the LS's accepting responsibility for contributing to that state as the LS also taking responsibility for the WS's decision to cheat. As a result, any such apology on the LS's part must make it clear that they are not apologizing for "causing" or "forcing" their partner's infidelity, but only for their own shortcomings that contributed to the decline of the relationship. And that can be tough to do without the apology sounding hollow, at best.
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Old 01-17-2012, 02:48 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

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If you are wondering who should go first, your ego may be involved in the process.

The down side shows up when you have an expectation that your spouse will do some introspection, realize how they have caused you pain, and apologize for that, except that they don't end up doing it.
Yes this is exactly what I am afraid of.

I've spent my whole life giving with unspoken expectations of receiving, and giving only that which I wanted in return and not what the other person truely wanted.

I never want to be in a position where I blurt out "my apology was so much better then yours..." but I'm almost certain that is the thought that is going to roll around in my head.

I read "How Can I forgive you" by Janis Spring (or whatever her name is) and definitely found myself thinking that not only do I expect the type of apology she describes (regarding "earning geniune forgiveness") but I owe my WS one like that too.

Going through R properly is like an art. It's full of judgement calls on the timing of everything, when to say this, when to ask for that, is she ready to face reality yet, etc. It's especially complicated having kids and knowing that pushing too hard on this will cause my WS to withdrawl into a shell.

I don't really know how to gracefully end this post. I've deleted about 12 paragraphs of additional thoughts.

In the end, simply put I am committed to R and that means trying to both make myself happy and healthy and meet the needs of my WS.

I am finding it hard to balance these priorities when it comes to this issue. I feel I will be better able to meet the needs of my wife with this apology, but I also fear it could be an unhealthy source of resentment within myself - therefore at this time I feel I cannot give it.

I am still unsure of how to procede. In retrospect, I did not come here for the "answer" but I did come here for some perspective as well as some empathy, both of which I am getting. I appriciate the posts of everyone here and certainly don't mind hearing more on this subject.
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Old 01-17-2012, 02:53 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Apologies...feels like a sticky situation

You may feel you owe it, but it might be not the right moment yet. Give it some time.

(This coming from someone who endlessly apologized much of his martial history)
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